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Original poster

DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

164 replies

PandoraRocks · 21/01/2021 13:38

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

OP posts:
LilMidge01 · 21/01/2021 16:31

@earthyfire

10 years together and yet so little commitment. It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship at all.
he wanted them to buy a new place together- sounds like commitment to me and OP has just completely brushed it aside because they've already 'split up twice'...sounds more like OP is afraid of commitment here but wants the benefits of a committed relationship and partner in order to renovate her house....(just playing devil's advocate)
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/01/2021 16:32

I've noticed you've only addressed the questions about tradesmen on here OP. You are deliberately missing all the comments about how awful he is towards you. I'd recommend you take your head out of the sand and dump the guy

ancientgran · 21/01/2021 16:32

It sounds like alot of work. Has he got a fulltime job? Maybe he just doesn't feel up to taking on a big project?

I feel your pain with dodgy workmen, they are like gold dust.

isadorapolly · 21/01/2021 16:32

Op I’ve been in your situation, large house to renovate with money to do it, but I also found it really hard to find decent tradesmen. Most of them see a single woman and the price goes up.

Can your dp not even recommend good tradesmen if he was in the business himself? Or even be there when you have people round for quotes etc? It sounds so sexist but that’s the way it is unfortunately.

He doesnt sound very nice tbh.

User2921 · 21/01/2021 16:34

Obviously there are issues with your relationship in general, but on a purely practical level, I can to an extent see his point.

He doesn't want to give up his house to move into your house to which he would have no rights if the relationship ended.

You understandably, don't want to move out of your house, so that gives no real option for getting a place together.

He doesn't want to work for free on your house, to which he has no rights even if the relationship continues.

I think at this stage in life, people become more concerned with what is 'theirs' rather than sharing everything as couples might when starting out together. You both have your own assets that predate your relationship and in his case at least, other people to consider such as his daughter.

You both also understand that relationships can and do end, and are both right to look to your own interests.

Practically, would a solution be to pay him for the work as you did previously?

tinselearedcow · 21/01/2021 16:34

OP, have a look on your local planning portal for nearby properties that have been renovated recently, then maybe pop notes though a few of the homeowner's doors asking if they are happy with the work and if so who did it (you may also be able to see who did the work from the paperwork submitted).

LocalHobo · 21/01/2021 16:36

As LilMidge01 says, neither of you seem to prioritise each other's wishes and both make decisions to increase your individual wellbeing, not operating to improve your relationship.

Speaking very logically, I can understand why he would refuse to help you do something that he doesn't want you to do.
And I can see why you want him to help when he has the necessary skills but basically, neither of you are prepared to compromise to make the other happier.
I would call it a day.

Ikora · 21/01/2021 16:41

He wants to sell the house, this is a way of trying to get you to give up with the enovations, It’s patently obvious to me.

fourquenelles · 21/01/2021 16:43

Well, he's a grabby cunt isn't he?

gospelsinger · 21/01/2021 16:46

I'm wondering who decided the workmanship on the stud wall was not up to standard? Was it him? Would you have been happy with it if he hadn't commented?

Fortherosesjoni70 · 21/01/2021 16:47

You have serious cracks in this relationship. He is basically telling you he doesn't want to be with you. Maybe he is sticking around because the business is a complication. Maybe deep down, you ate too.
He is basically expecting you at some point to wake up and realise your relationship is over, hence the lack of commitment.
Wrap things up with him. Move on. He is clearly not invested in your relationship.

PancakesAndSyrup · 21/01/2021 16:48

This isn't a partnership is it? He will happily see you suffer unless he directly benefits from helping you? That's horrible and I would be questioning what exactly this relationship was bringing to my life.

harknesswitch · 21/01/2021 16:53

He won't help you because there's nothing in it for him ? What a horrid horrid man!!!

Whatever happened to wanting to help those you love and out of common decency. Especially as you've helped him out with his admin and financially. He's using you op and won't help. Awful man!

Dump him or at the very least do not help him in anyway shape or form ever again

hansgrueber · 21/01/2021 16:58

@HollowTalk

Why on earth are you with this man? He doesn't give a shit about you. Thank god he's not living with you.
Were you offering to pay him or were you expecting to 'help' you for nothing? If the latter then I'm with him.
Adversane · 21/01/2021 16:58

He sounds controlling and unpleasant. Tell him your ending your ‘relationship’ as there’s ‘nothing in it’ for you.

NailsNeedDoing · 21/01/2021 17:01

I can see the two sides to this. He would rather you sold the house so that you could live together somewhere, but you’ve told him no. You’ve sent the message that you’d rather have the house than have him. It’s understandable that he doesn’t want to help you renovate the place that (possibly) in his mind is preventing you from living together. There’s also the possibility that you having a much bigger house than him makes him feel a little bit jealous or dents his manhood slightly, which would be unreasonable, but he’s only human.

On the other hand, I can understand why you don’t want to commit to living with him if he’s given you reason to want to split up with him twice before, and it is hurtful for him to choose not to help you when he could.

There’s got to be something else going on with the relationship that runs a bit deeper than disagreeing over renovations.

Ariela · 21/01/2021 17:02

Did you ask him for a quote for the work as in 'I'm asking for quotes to do x and y would you like to quote for the work, I'll consider it vs the other quotes'

GreenlandTheMovie · 21/01/2021 17:03

He's not really a partner, is he? And while his reasons for not wanting to move into your house may be valid, he isn't really suggesting any alternatives or getting anything organised to move the relationship forwards. Good partners do things to make each other happy, not only where they benefit themselves. They put themselves out and are generous with their time and effort.

If his own house is small and dilapidated, its likely that he just isn't that bothered about many of the things that most people strive for.

I'm really shocked that you paid off his car and he still charges you for work. You would think the least he could do is either pay you back, or if he isn't prepared to do that, do the work for free in return.

minipie · 21/01/2021 17:05

@LilMidge01

He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I can see how if this wasn't properly communicated or discussed, he might feel hurt and now also slighted that you want him to help on a house whilst havign dismissed his attempts at having a new life together with you.....He definitely isn't expressing it well, and is dealing with his emotions childishly...but it does sound like you've hurt him

I agree with this.

Look at it from his perspective. You’ve said no to getting a place together, because you’ve split up in the past and you like your house and area.

In other words you’ve made it clear you are not willing to commit or compromise for him. Maybe with justification, I don’t know the history, but clearly he wants to go to the next stage of relationship and you don’t.

Why should he do work at mates’ rates for someone who’s unwilling to commit to him or compromise for him? And especially when the work is on a house that is the centre of the whole disagreement.

The equivalent is the girlfriends who end up looking after their DP’s children for little reward when the DP clearly has no intention of committing. They get told on here they’re being used as cheap childcare and to get rid.

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/01/2021 17:07

Its not that there’s ‘nothing in it for him’, it’s that he wants you to fail and sell the house so he can move you to a place that suits him. It’s passively manipulative and by ringing him crying he’s actually enjoying it.

SunshineCake · 21/01/2021 17:10

TBH I'd only read a few sentences in when I was just thinking God another one.

Don't fall for sunk costs fallacy. This is no relationship. Your parents house is security for you. He isn't your security.

End it with him and get better tradesmen.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/01/2021 17:14

You want to look at the going rate for all the stuff you do for him

Admin £15 an hour
Finance 8% of loan value
Sex - I’ll leave that one with you to decide

Then talk to him about ‘help’

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 17:14

Oh he was happy pushing for you to sell all your properties and buy with him though... because that benefits HIM...

This is NOT a relationship.. he is NOT a kind decent person ... please end this .. 🌺

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/01/2021 17:15

He’s not a partner, but a boyfriend or FWB.
It’s not fair for you to expect him to do work for free or on the cheap.
If you want him to help you, you need to pay him the going mates rate. At least you’ll know that he gives a shit and it will be done well.

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 17:15

@PlanDeRaccordement

He’s not a partner, but a boyfriend or FWB. It’s not fair for you to expect him to do work for free or on the cheap. If you want him to help you, you need to pay him the going mates rate. At least you’ll know that he gives a shit and it will be done well.

But she WAS paying him... he named his price not OP