DP happy to sit back and struggle with house renovation

[PandoraRocks]

A bit of background. DP and I are in our 50s. We have a good business together but live apart. We have been together for a long time, well over 10 years.
He wouldn't move into my previous house because he didn't like the area and he won't move in with me now because 'I might throw him out'. I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I've started renovating my house as it needs a lot of work. DP used to be a builder/plasterer years ago and is very skilled and knowledgeable. He has done work for me on a rental property in the past and I paid him.
However, he said he wont help with my house renovation because there's 'nothing in it for him', it would just increase the value of my property and I won't sell it anyway. I might sell sometime but surely thats up to me. I'm in no rush.
I've painted the outside, with DP help for which I paid him 2/3 of the going rate. I guess he did this for the money I've replaced the windows. But from then on, its been a nightmare. Cowboy builders and a half finished small extension. I've left that till the weather improves and started on the inside. I've just had a stud wall done by a carpenter and that's not up standard.

Honestly I am so pissed off and upset that DP can watch me struggling and losing money when he could help me. What a contrast to the way he treats other people - helping friends with cheap jobs, running around for weeks trying to find and pay for a bloody car for his married, adult daughter. She only has to click her fingers and Daddy comes running. But he can listen to me crying on the phone and say 'well tradesmen don't give a shit about you'.
I'm seriously worried I'm just going to go through money as its so so hard to find decent tradesmen. I've got one and he won't help me. I'm in despair. AIBU?

Reread the OP's posts @PlanDeRaccordement she was paying him for work performed.

But it doesn’t benefit him to do the work even if she pays him because he wants to for e her hand into selling the house. He is a manipulate arsehole.

Really, there sounds so little love from both sides, and so much anger and resentment expressed about this and that, it barely seems worth resusitating.

Maybe just focus on your house and the tradesmen?

@EKGEMS

Reread the OP's posts *@PlanDeRaccordement* she was paying him for work performed.

EKGEMS I did. She said she paid him 2/3 of the going rate. Or essentially a pay cut of 1/3rd. My post says she should not be expecting him to do the work on the cheap.

He is a tradesman with skills, yet his own house is dilapidated. Maybe he's waiting for some one to pay him to fix his own place?

It sounds like he places no value on a home being a pleasant and congenial place to reside. There is no point wanting him to help you, since he has no interest in helping himself.

Don't sacrifice the lovely home you have to put your lot in with this man.

OP this man doesn't like you.

Sorry.

He won't move into your house in case you split up, but is ok with the idea of buying a different house together - but you stil might split up? Strange.

I've inherited my parents' house where I currently live - large detached on a big plot. He's wanted me to sell this ever since they died and get a place together in a different area. I'm not keen because we've split up twice, his house is small and dilapidated and I like my house and area.

I'm with those suggesting he's seeing pound signs, not a partner to share his life with.

Your inherited house is going to be worth a lot. If you sell it, you will no doubt be expected to pay a very large share of the price, possibly all of it, and it will be bigger and nicer than his 'small and dilapidated' current property at no real expense to him. Keep the house, get rid of him.

Curious too why such a good tradesman would have a dilapidated house. You've been together 10 years - has he had his eye on your inheritance all along so not bothered with his own place, expecting that you'll magic him away from it?

@MrKlaw

He won't move into your house in case you split up, but is ok with the idea of buying a different house together - but you stil might split up? Strange.

I would presume he doesn’t want to lose his place on the property ladder by getting rid of his own place and moving in with OP (he would own no stake in her house) whereas if they buy together he will have a stake.

He sounds like a peach. I'd dump him personally.

I agree with some PPs that I wouldn't do this work at mates rates either, for a house I wouldn't have a stake in, for a person I didn't see a long term future with.

I think he's given a clear message here. He's done work for the mother of his child, his sibling, and bought his child a car. All lifelong relationships. He doesn't see you that way.

Don't you think that if you were "meant to be" then by now you'd be living together and married?

Can I just check if I've understood correctly: you've offered to pay him his going rate for the work, and he has declined?

Or have you offered him reduced rates / two thirds rate / what you think is the going rate?

If he splits with you and your have moved in together to another house, Is he then entitled to half? Possibly another motive.

@namechange I have offered to pay whatever he thinks is fair. He chose to charge me a bit less than the going rate as a concession because I'm his girlfriend and he felt sorry for me 😔
He has only slept at my house twice. Its always me travelling to his place. He won't even consider living with me until we have a joint house because I could throw him out in an argument, he says. His own place needs too much work and he doesn't have the money. He intends to auction it. But he's set to inherit a large amount from a parent anyway.
He has little to do with the ex, never speaks to the sibling and is extremely bitter that he has been 'taken for a ride' by people when he has got nowhere in life (according to him).

I don't think this sounds like much of a relationship, sorry. It sounds more like FWB.

You don't appear to have a shared vision of the future, and in my view, if he's not even willing to help you when he is perfectly capable of doing so then it doesn't show love and affection.

He's a greedy and jealous CFer. Bin him and I guarantee you'll feel a million times better.

A qualified builder and decorator who owns and lives in a dilapidated house obviously doesn’t enjoy doing the work - so I can see why he doesn’t want to do yours, paid or otherwise. I don’t think he’s an arsehole for it: I’m a qualified accountant and I still don’t do DP’s business finances and accounts, for no other reason than I don’t want to, whether he pays me or not, because there’s a reason I left the profession. I’ll happily spend an hour here and there on occasion looking into a tax issue or explaining something he doesn’t understand, but it isn’t my job to step in and do the heavy work just because I’m his partner. Perhaps I’m unusual in feeling that way.

Ultimately, this doesn’t sound like a happy relationship. You can’t agree on living arrangements, you (understandably) don’t want to lose your house, he (understandably) doesn’t want to live somewhere where you could kick him out without notice. You think he’d behave better if he cared for you and view his not wanting to help as a sign he doesn’t love you. Perhaps it’s just reached a natural end.

Fair enough for him to want some level of security at his stage in life, he doesn’t want to move in to your house for the same reasons you don’t want to sell your house and share a home with him.

Neither of you trust each other, which is odd if you share a business.

This isn't a loving partnership, too much one sided angst.

I did. She said she paid him 2/3 of the going rate. Or essentially a pay cut of 1/3rd. My post says she should not be expecting him to do the work on the cheap.

and as OP explained ...

I have offered to pay whatever he thinks is fair. He chose to charge me a bit less than the going rate

she did ask him to name his Price 🌺

OP you don't need this guy.... he's draining the life AND money out of you... for very little in return 🌺

@PlanDeRaccordement She asked him to name his price and he's refusing to help her but happy to help everyone else free

[quote EKGEMS]@PlanDeRaccordement She asked him to name his price and he's refusing to help her but happy to help everyone else free [/quote]

Yip 🌺

The thing is though that he says we don't have a future because I won't share, his words. By that he means get married and share finances which he would like. But he's got children and parents and I have nobody. My parents are dead, I'm an only child with no children. My house and savings are my only security and I'm too scared to risk it at my age in such an unequal partnership. Not being selfish just practical.
This was to be a bit of a dream house for me and I'd like to live in it for a few years at least. I might well move in future but he doesn't want to wait. Always going on about getting older and his time is limited blah blah. Very depressing.

For "Taken for a ride" read "No one has given me what I think I deserved on a plate with no effort from me"

I rather suspect that when he gets his own inheritance you will see even less of him because he wont need your money anymore......