someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

OP I feel for you but you've already crossed a line from feeling an attraction to a man to acting on that attraction, so I'm not sure why you're asking for help with your feelings when really it's your behaviour that's the problem! The lingering eye contact, the secret smiles, the flirting, the touching, the suggestive words...it all needs to stop. This behaviour is quite literally feeding and enabling the feelings of chemistry you have towards him (not with him, to him). So you need to address that first - stop the behaviour and the feelings will eventually fade. If you're really serious about stopping the flirting tell him you're aware of it and you want it to stop, not that it 'needs' to stop but you WANT it to stop! And then follow through...

What's the bet that as soon as op stops flirting back/steps back/gets busy elsewhere, all of a sudden he'll be saying to his wife "na let's meet up with other friends for dinner," and starts making out to his wife he finds you guys boring all of a sudden...

Several years ago, I developed a huge crush on a colleague. I have passing crushes all the time but this was different. I don’t really think it was reciprocated but that’s irrelevant because it wouldn’t have been acted on. It made no impact on my feelings for my DH - I loved him just as much as ever and had no interest in being with anyone else. It was powerful. In time - it blew itself out. Probably about 2 years from beginning to end. What really helped was the thought that these were just feelings. As someone said on another thread (Eckardt or Category 12 I think) - feelings aren’t facts. You can have them but ignore them. You can certainly control what you do about them. It was a painful time but I learnt a great deal from the experience. Very, very occasionally the grass is greener. But that’s rare. I knew the grass was already more green where I standing than it would ever be elsewhere. You know that the grass you’re standing on now is as green as you need it to be. Focus on that.

I wouldn’t call either marriage strong when your Husband and his Wife have been served the proverbial ‘shit sandwich’ for over a year.

This infidelity has been going on for quite some time. Instead of shutting it down early on, you repeatedly carried on the lingering gazes, suggestive language, flirting, and allowing the OM to touch you in an intimate way. Your Spouses were on the premises/at the table. Did that add to your rush? This practiced player is certainly getting a buzz out of humiliating your H and his W, as well as by discovering just how far you’ll go with him.

Seeking out a ‘friendship’ with his W when you’ve allowed his sensual touching and you’ve been exchanging suggestive remarks is appalling.

You have agency here, OP. If you are so desperate to stop this, why haven’t you addressed your mutually inappropriate behavior with OM and insisted that it cease? Why didn’t you address it and set a firm boundary when you saw him last week instead of grinning at him?

I agree that you should seek individual counseling to strengthen your boundaries and examine your attraction to the feelings engendered by this sleazy man who doesn’t respect any of you.

Has anyone suggested talking to "the other man" about this? Even if it is one sided, telling him you've got a massive crush and, whether it's reciprocated or not, you will not be acting on your crazy feelings (because you are both happily married and you love your husband and his wife is a dear friend) and therefore would like some space might be a sensible option? 🤷🏻‍♀️ IF he's a good man, he will respect you, your feelings, your confidentiality you, your husband, and his wife!

Jesus Christ this is bloody boring now

@AmberItsACertainty

Dial down your friendship with his wife, be unavailable to meet for coffee or whatever, more often than not. Eventually, stop seeing her. Never meet him alone, cross the road if you have to or if you've literally bumped into him invent a reason to dash off immediately, say you're running late and leave, don't stand there talking about late for what. Don't suggest to your husband meeting these two, ever.

Increase your other friendships at the same time and family days out. Introduce other friends to your husband. If your husband suggests meeting with these two, suggest some other people to invite too, so you'll be busy socialising. Don't sit next to him at table. You'll be forced to curb your behaviour because there's more people to notice.

Guaranteed if you stop flirting back or being alone with him, he'll stop trying it on. He knows you're interested, make it clear by your behaviour that you're not.

All spot on ideas - but I've a feeling op is actually enjoying this a bit too much

You have to treat limerance like any other addiction, and the chemicals really are addictive. Cold turkey with a side of therapy to work out how you found yourself allowing such destructive and self sabotaging behaviour. You say in a PP you're finding it hard to work/eat/sleep over a guy who's creeping around physically behind his wife's back. Work out how you got there. And stop engaging with him.

OP, if you're finding the things written here hard to swallow, i think you should consider how awful they'll sound when they're coming out the mouths of people you know and love.

It's not too late to get back over the line imo. But you're dangerously close to losing all sight of it.

If I found out my husband had been stroking any woman's knees and back and arms or whatever when I wasn't looking and kissing her on the lips I'd be gutted: if he did that with my friend right in front of me when my head was turned I'd divorce him. Him making a fool of of his wife like that isn't enough enough to turn you off but voting brexit would be? If either were a solid marriage it would have been nipped in the bud before it got to this stage.

You say it started before the pandemic, you've both been making a fool out of your spouses all that time? If he's been taking up so much headspace and you've been distracted from your children and marriage for the best part of a year, if not more then how can you say you have a solid marriage? Would your dh agree if he knew the truth? .

You know there's a very good chance you'll fuck him if you are on your own with him, you know it's more than drunken flirting and this is the type of behaviour that leads up to "it just happened" if you don't want it to escalate you need to stop being around him.

I don't agree with making out to your DH like he's sleazing on you as a few pps suggested. If he told his wife you were hitting on him to get him himself out of trouble he'd be a cunt so I do have respect for you for not doing that, you're both equally to blame for any damage to marriages and friendships. You didn't brush his hand away and you didn't turn your head so he'd peck you cheek.

I know it's often trotted out on here but maybe counselling for yourself might help. I would want to know if my husband had been behaving like this because I'd want him gone but I know it's unlikely you'll do that, maybe because you know your husband will be hurt or maybe because you know the marriage will be done for and I'd scale back the friendship with the wife and I'd making it clear to mr disrespectful strong marriage husband that the flirting and stroking stops immediately and any physical contact moving forward is unwelcome and you stop the smiling and flirting with him.

Just because neither spouse has said anything about the flirting it doesn't mean that they haven't already noticed, maybe they are already doubting whether it's in their head or not, you maybe watched closer than you think you're getting away with.

You’re going to have to tell your husband that this bloke makes you feel uncomfortable, and stop seeing him.

Otherwise, you will shag him.

Both will be very difficult, but one will be devastating in the end. Probably.

So, both hard choices. Just choose one. There’s no magic button, sadly.

You’re not trying hard enough
You are giddy with excitement about it.
If your DH found out what had happened so far he’s be devastated.

Also why did your ‘friend’ go along with weekend away?

Your resistance to him is low and you are kidding yourself. NC is the only option.

My ex had an affair - the fallout was truly horrific. He didn’t resist either. I could tell something was going on.
And no it didn’t just happen, there’s always a build up.
What’s important to you? Focus on that.

OP there is a thread running where the poster just found out her husband has been having an affair with her friend.

Pop along and read it.

You aren't really helping yourself though. All the constant talk of I can get him out my head etc. If you think and speak I that way, then you most definitely aren't going to be able to.

Ok, lets talk reality.

This man has done this kind of thing before, know the type, very confident in his own skin. Any man who can flirt and lay their hands on you in plain sight in front of your partner is a player.

Your husband will know this, men understand fully when other men are a threat.
He has found a rediculous play mate in you, fawning over this his juevenile flirting. He knows full well what type of person you are.
Don't think for a minute that you are in the driving seat you are not, he believes he can turn you into another conquest.
It's not a big love affair, he want's to reduce you to a ...... , he wants to make you husband look a fool and you are helping him.

Also don't think for a moment your husband hasn't noticed, it's been 18 months, how do you think most people are alerted to their partners being attracted to others? it usually start with noticing a change in your behaviour.
20 years with you, don't you think he's noticed how happy you have been, a spring in the step, all jovial and light, more confident, feeling more attractive?, the happiest girl through Covid !
He will have noted all these things, your post screams out woman infatuated like a love pup teenager, do you seriously think he hasn't seen the change in you?

He has noticed, pull back, this man just wants to win, be it in his own marriage or someone elses, he doesn't love you and never will, what's the point.
Your husband on the other hand whether this comes to light or not, will remember this wonderful crush of yours, don't be surprised if this one bites you on the bum and your posting next year asking for advice on whether your h is cheating behind your back

Don't presume people are stupid, they are not, and although this may not blow your marriage up, rest assured if your h wanted retribution he may do it very stealthily, and put you through hell for revenge.

Respect your husband, you are making a mug out of him, he wont forgive you for that, and I woudn't blame him.

The OM just thinks you are an easy lay, and he thinks your husband is a loser.
That's the reality !

You call all of you friends, but that is disingenuous. The only real, mutual friendship here is that between your betrayed spouses. Your risky, thrilling touches, looks, and provocative banter amount to cheating right under their noses. It is grim that when you get together as couples or families, you and OM are sharing a sordid secret.

Your boundaries are weak for this Chancer. He is playing you like a fiddle and you’ve chosen to be putty in his hands. You may consider him to be “beautiful,” but he is rotten to the core. If you want to keep your marriage and family, you must find a way to detach and back off from these people. That is the only way to avert devastation.

Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

I can't work out how to link another post, but go look for this one and read it.......

A poster on another thread shared this - OP, you might find it useful www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/couple-support/articles/the-ten-second-rule

Another poster shared this useful advice for getting over attractions and affairs:

Keep your knickers on and block his number.

Stuff like running a hands down my back, stroking my arm, touching my knee under table, leaving his hand on mine a moment too long, moving a hair out of my face. Kissed me on the lips saying goodbye once (though not a snog)

This actually made me so angry to read. My ExH was exactly like this, with multiple women, throughout our 20 year relationship, and I was literally the last person to know.

Our break up devastated our children. Thankfully, I moved on, and I am now married to a lovely man who would never do the creepy things you describe here.

My ExH however, cheated on every subsequent woman he was with after me. He also shagged my best friend, so I lost her too. He is now living with a lovely lady, and guess what...still shagging around (she doesn't know).

The man you describe sounds like a serial flirt or shagger. And I will tell you this:

1. You won't be the only other woman he does this with.
2. If he can betray his longstanding wife like this, he will do the same to you in a heartbeat
3. You're in danger of blowing up your marriage for a serial creep, who you won't see for dust, as your life crumbles from beneath you.
4. If you could get a look at his phone, you'd find multiple flirtatious conversations going on with other women.

Personally, I would leave your DH, and let him find someone who would afford him more respect.

Just to add also, you haven't been on the dating scene since your 20's (I think?). Back then you would have been dating very young men, with not much life experience. This guy is what - 50's? Sounds like a real player and he will have honed his pick up moves over many decades. I met lots of these types in between my marriages. If you fall for his "charm" and shag him, he will drop you pretty quickly afterwards. And you'll feel 100 times worse than you do now. This guy will be using the scatter gun approach - be "charming" with as many vaginas as possible, and eventually someone will bite. After the first few shags, drop them and off to hunt new blood. There are 1000's of married men like this. Don't be a mid life cliche for this creep.

@SummerBlondey

Just to add also, you haven't been on the dating scene since your 20's (I think?). Back then you would have been dating very young men, with not much life experience. This guy is what - 50's? Sounds like a real player and he will have honed his pick up moves over many decades. I met lots of these types in between my marriages. If you fall for his "charm" and shag him, he will drop you pretty quickly afterwards. And you'll feel 100 times worse than you do now. This guy will be using the scatter gun approach - be "charming" with as many vaginas as possible, and eventually someone will bite. After the first few shags, drop them and off to hunt new blood. There are 1000's of married men like this. Don't be a mid life cliche for this creep.

I think the thing that sets this situation apart from the bog standard affair grooming by the player is that it really doesn't seem as if the OP has any desire to leave her husband and run away with the other man for the happily ever after. She's not dreaming about the other man leaving his evil wife to wisk her off into the sunset with the white picket fences and endless vacations and any of those other fairy tale endings. She doesn't seem to be harbouring any of those emotional, relationshippy delusions.

She just wants to shag him.

So all of the advice pointing out how he is a player, how he would just shag her and move on, how he would just use her, and doesn't really care, how he would betray her too, that there are other women...none of that matters, because the OP isn't looking for any of those kinds of things where any of that would have any impact. That advice is like telling a kid who hates to read that they are grounded from books.

No. She's not falling for him. She's not wanting a relationship with him. She just thinks he's hot, and want his dick. That's it.

That's also what makes this much more difficult and insidious to deal with. There are far fewer negative what if's to have to consider. She doesn't have to consider the downsides of the other man dumping her, or not wanting a relationship, or any of the normal grass is not always greener considerations.

She might not want to run off with him, but maybe she would also rather shag someone who does not sleep with other women regularly and could have an STD? Someone who is not a sleazy creep who sticks his hand up another woman's skirt while his wife is next to him at the table? Someone who is not pretending to only have fallen for her, despite being a Lovely Man, as he knows that's the best way to get into a woman's knickers?

But maybe it's just hard for me to get into the head of someone who would find a man like that attractive.

@ravenmum

She might not want to run off with him, but maybe she would also rather shag someone who does not sleep with other women regularly and could have an STD? Someone who is not a sleazy creep who sticks his hand up another woman's skirt while his wife is next to him at the table? Someone who is not pretending to only have fallen for her, despite being a Lovely Man, as he knows that's the best way to get into a woman's knickers?

But maybe it's just hard for me to get into the head of someone who would find a man like that attractive.

Those things you describe would only significantly matter to someone looking for more than a shag. And even then, there is no actual proof for any of us, or the OP to see that this guy actually is some complete sleazy player. He is just as likely to be in the same mindset as the OP where the sparks are flying with this specific person. There is no seduction going one here. Just two people falling into their respective mating ritual roles.

@samyeagar you're one of those "humans aren't meant to be monogamous" types aren't you?