someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

With the physical stuff that's already happened, I really think you're on track for an affair OP. I actually think unless you cut all contact with this man permanently (and sod the 'friendship'/ awkwardness - how is that anywhere near as important as rescuing your marriage?) then one thing will 'lead to another' with him. And it will be because you allowed it to - you're creating the ideal conditions for it to happen, and clearly if you're allowing him to touch your knee under the table, you're not going to suddenly develop more self-control next time something happens. Literally nobody touches someone like that unless they're putting the moves on them, it's hardly on the level of harmless flirtation. I'd be so hurt if my partner did even that, I wouldn't be thinking we had a strong relationship or he was a good man. I'd be waking up to the fact that I couldn't really trust him anymore.

So whatever your impressions of this man, he's already being very disloyal to his wife and acting out a very clichéd scenario. That's the reality, not the fantasy you're creating. I think you need to seriously change the narrative in your head, this isn't Brief Encounter.

I also think you'd be doing the right thing by telling your husband. Not in detail, and without the starry-eyed bit. Just be matter of fact and tell him you think lockdown is sending you a bit round the bend because you've developed a slight crush on x and it's really daft and embarrassing and juvenile, and you love and want him, not x, but you think it's less embarrassing all round if you give that couple a swerve for the foreseeable. I'm sure it will upset him (or maybe not if he's a very secure and relaxed type), but you're not in marriage- ending territory imo, and you're only going to get past this if you stop hugging it to yourself like it's the most exciting thing that's happened in decades.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - yes, we are a group of friends as I explained it my OP. It's another reason why I feel so bad about it.

@tigerlily20 - I did come here for advice and appreciate all of it, including the advice you've given me too . I'm just not entirely sure that suggesting my marriage must be lacking in my situation is really 'advice' as such. I think we've got a good marriage and I don't want to risk it further. That's why I'm here. Sorry you've got a migraine, they are hateful.

I can't say I've ever touched someone's knee under the table, accidental, drunk, sober or not. It just doesn't happen unless you want it to happen. Even if it did "accidentally" happen by some hot guy, I'd be looking across to his wife and think "what a creep" about the man sitting next to me.

Op he was testing the boundaries, seeing how you'd react. You've played along nicely for him. You certainly can't have a friendship with this couple now. Lots of women find their friends husband attractive but you've gone beyond an innocent "ooo he's handsome..," you've enjoyed, played along and no doubt encouraged little physical touches from him. You cannot be friends with them because basically you've betrayed his wife.

@JamieFrasersSassenach - thank you. I have had some therapy in the past as I had a pretty difficult childhood and felt I needed to work through stuff before becoming a parent. It was incredibly helpful, and I do wonder if I could benefit from more at this point. I do feel quite overwhelmed by my feelings right now, which isn't great.

@Aspiringmatriarch - I do see the logic. If we were just friends it might be easier as I could sort of encourage seeing them less, but the fact that DH works with this guy makes things more difficult.

Well if I was her I certainly wouldn't consider you a friend of any sort if I knew what had been going on. And I would think my husband was even more of a prick.

Only I can say that I'm confident my marriage is a happy one, which is precisely why this is such a headfuck

That's the point. If your husband found out about the physical stuff and how you can't stop thinking about his mate, the marriage wouldn't be happy anymore would it?

So it's only a 'happy' marriage on the surface because you're doing something behind his back that is hurtful and nasty. Which to me, is not a happy marriage.

You seem to twist what people say to minimise or double down, despite posting asking for advice. So here's some advice...

You need to adult your way out of this. You're obsessed with a man (before you say you're not, read back your posts where you repeatedly say you 'can't stop thinking about him') who is such a smug prick that he put his hand on his wife's knee under the table and was confident you would enjoy it. Unfortunately he was right.

You need to grow up, look at your life, wonder if it's worth losing for the aforementioned smug prick and if not then be an adult and stop banging on about him in your own head.

He's a run of the mill dickhead who you fancy. That's it.

Grow up. If you can't stop yourself then you'll need to stop socialising with them. Its spectacularly cruel to pretend to be pals with a woman whose husband you are sharing all these mills and boon looks and touches with.

It's very clear self esteem isn't the issue so maybe respect for other people would be a better start. Along with wanting to be decent more than wanting to flirt with your husband's mate and have him touch you up, all with your husband in the room.

don't think my marriage is lacking just because I didn't charge off to my DH to say 'hmmm, your colleague put his hand on my knee for what I perceived to be a second too long after 4 glasses of wine'.

Ahh the minimising kicks in at last.

OP you're a lost cause. As pp said, no contact is only option. If you can't be honest with dh why then your marriage is not as solid as you delude yourself it to be.

Your poor DH.

[quote NoraNellie]@JamieFrasersSassenach - thank you. I have had some therapy in the past as I had a pretty difficult childhood and felt I needed to work through stuff before becoming a parent. It was incredibly helpful, and I do wonder if I could benefit from more at this point. I do feel quite overwhelmed by my feelings right now, which isn't great.

@Aspiringmatriarch - I do see the logic. If we were just friends it might be easier as I could sort of encourage seeing them less, but the fact that DH works with this guy makes things more difficult.[/quote]
Except it doesn't - unless he's working out of your kitchen? You're not obligated to socialise with them, people cool off friendships all the time for any number of reasons. It matters so so much less than keeping your marriage intact. I can't see why it would cause great ructions, especially at the moment with everyone in lockdown. Just be busy, arrange other things with other people (when we're allowed to!), or come up with some excuse that works for a long time - e.g. you're suffering from stress or you're now very into a particular hobby or project. I don't see how it would affect things for you're DH at work, unless you actually tell him his friend has been groping you, which would be accurate (if a little selective).

Your dh, not you're, sorry

@youvegottenminuteslynn - I AM trying to 'adult' my way out of this. I am trying to stop 'banging on about him' in my own head. Telling me that I'm awful, or he's awful, or you feel sorry for my DH, or my friend - yes, I know...it's clear I know that. I'm not afraid of home truths - I need them. But just making me feel worse probably isn't constructive. I know I'm obsessing over him, and I hate that. I've said repeatedly that I'm not proud of myself here and that I don't want it to go further. I have looked at my life and know he's not worth the risk. Again, I came here asking for advice in how stop myself feeling this way.

[quote NoraNellie]@youvegottenminuteslynn - I AM trying to 'adult' my way out of this. I am trying to stop 'banging on about him' in my own head. Telling me that I'm awful, or he's awful, or you feel sorry for my DH, or my friend - yes, I know...it's clear I know that. I'm not afraid of home truths - I need them. But just making me feel worse probably isn't constructive. I know I'm obsessing over him, and I hate that. I've said repeatedly that I'm not proud of myself here and that I don't want it to go further. I have looked at my life and know he's not worth the risk. Again, I came here asking for advice in how stop myself feeling this way.[/quote]
What's the plan then? People can help if you let them but you're dismissing most of the suggestions other than counselling which I think would be a great start.

There's no reason at all that just because your husband works with him, you can't have a 'migraine' or have accidentally double booked for the evening the next couple of times...

I think you misunderstood me, I haven't said you weren't in a happy relationship before you developed feeling for this man but if I were your spouse and I knew what was going on I wouldn't feel like I was in a healthy, happy relationship, in fact I don't know if I could get passed it... I'd always worry it would happen again, I would be paranoid, suspicious, hurt, resentful. But not just because you fancied someone else, because of the things that happened because of your attraction and the fact that you didn't know if you could control yourself if you were alone with this man. I wouldn't know the person I married anymore. Thanks, migraines are absolute shits.

The only way to stop feeling this way is to go no contact, ride it out and let time heal any crush or feelings. Focus on your dh and kids. Time will heal your feelings but only if you don't engage any longer.

@Takingontheflab - perhaps I am minimising behaviour, yes. But I'm not sure I would have given it so much thought had I not found him attractive (and let my own feelings get so OTT), if that makes sense. If it had been anyone else, I might well have thought 'ugh, slightly drunkenly flirty that night, wasn't he?' and not given it a moment's more thought, let alone mentioned to DH.

@Aspiringmatriarch - well, true, lockdown does help. But when it's over, there will be dinners, bbqs etc etc. I can turn down invites and make excuses up to a point. But without it seeming pretty weird, it would be tricky to stop seeing them forever. I'm not making excuses there, it's just the reality of the situation given our work/friendship groups etc.

You might find it helpful to look at how the obsessive part of ocd is treated. Obsessions are caused by intrusive thoughts that we constantly ruminate on. Mostly that is horrible stuff in ocd but it might work for this type of obsession?

I do think it might also be good to research ego. It seems that a great deal of affairs are about our ego.

Good luck, I really hope you beat this for all the people who love you.

Then you're going to have to make sure your willpower is strong, bolster your resources and seek some counselling to explore why this is something you're finding so hard to stop thinking about.

And do not be alone with him. Ever. He will make a move and you seem like you would find it almost impossible to say no. As I said, a man with the smug confidence to touch his mates wife under the table in front of his mate is likely to keep trying his luck. Particularly as he's had a mutually enthusiastic participant until now.

Be aloof and offish with him when you see him if you really can't just not be there when he is. Don't be alone with him it's asking for trouble.

In that case, you're doooomed. Keys in the bowl, OP. It's happening.

@Emeeno1 - thank you. That’s quite powerful to hear ‘beat this for all the people who love you’, because that’s DH and the kids - and that’s who I stand to hurt immensely should I not beat this, of course.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - thank you. Good advice to ensure I’m never alone with him. Will also try to go teetotal too as that doesn’t help clearly.

I need to go, but thank you for the advice on this thread so far. Really hope that none of you ever feel like this and for those of you who’ve experienced similar, thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom x

well, true, lockdown does help. But when it's over, there will be dinners, bbqs etc etc. I can turn down invites and make excuses up to a point. But without it seeming pretty weird, it would be tricky to stop seeing them forever. I'm not making excuses there, it's just the reality of the situation given our work/friendship groups etc

I think you need to set yourself the aim of having gotten over the crush by then, and plan with that in mind. The way you describe it it's like this is something that's happened to you, that you've had no control over. And while I think you've had a bit of a bashing on this thread it does feel a bit like you believe you're passive in this situation, like you're a person who's had an unfortunate event befall them & goodness what to do.
But you do have control over it. Thinking about him is a habit you can break. You can get to a point when you'll see him and feel indifferent. As PP suggested OCD techniques & counselling might be the way to go. But you do really need to want to get there though, and recognise it's a choice you have made to get to this point, and therefore you can change it.

[quote NoraNellie]@itwillbehormones - thanks for sharing your experience and it's helpful for me to hear it. It would be pretty difficult for us to contact each other privately for various reasons, so that's a good thing.

@wildraisins - thank you. Yes, you are right - it was enjoyable (in a sense) to feel that spark with someone, but I just want to dial it RIGHT down so it doesn't feel like it occupies my head space or is a risk.[/quote]
@NoraNellie Understandable. But it's often difficult to control these things - especially if you're beating yourself up over it. Accept that you feel it and it will be a lot easier to cope with.

NoraNellie, stopping alcohol completely (for the time being at least) is a great way to start. I was in a different but similar situation to yours and stopped drinking last summer to remain levelheaded. It has really helped me behave more rationally and see things more clearly.

Good luck.

@Cavagirl - thanks again. Sorry if I sound passive and a bit ‘whoops what’s happening?’ here. Appreciate how annoying that could be! To be clear, I certainly take responsibility for my feelings and actions (or lack of). While he might have been more forward with the physical contact than I was, it’s not like I stopped him and I’d be lying to suggest I wasn’t flirting too. It would have been fairly clear (to him) that I found him attractive I think, and I hold my hands up to that of course. It’s more the snowball effect of feelings on the back of all that though that I feel passive to - but I need to learn how to manage/control them.

I've had long term crushes and attraction on 2 different men. Not acted upon and people I had a close relationship with and connection.

They did pass!!

Dial down your friendship with his wife, be unavailable to meet for coffee or whatever, more often than not. Eventually, stop seeing her. Never meet him alone, cross the road if you have to or if you've literally bumped into him invent a reason to dash off immediately, say you're running late and leave, don't stand there talking about late for what. Don't suggest to your husband meeting these two, ever.

Increase your other friendships at the same time and family days out. Introduce other friends to your husband. If your husband suggests meeting with these two, suggest some other people to invite too, so you'll be busy socialising. Don't sit next to him at table. You'll be forced to curb your behaviour because there's more people to notice.

Guaranteed if you stop flirting back or being alone with him, he'll stop trying it on. He knows you're interested, make it clear by your behaviour that you're not.

Do you think you're attracted to the feeling rather than the man?

I can see how with lockdown boredom, any sort of mild flirtation could be jumped on and blown up, because everything is dull and it's good to feel alive again, vital.

But in actual fact if you think about this man as a person, separate from your attraction to him - if you took the feelings out of it and imagined being with him, you probably wouldn't be as enamoured.

I think you should go and climb a mountain or do that wild sea swimming or something and get addicted to another form of "feeling alive" to replace this one.

Either that or find out if they're swingers