someone give me a shake and help me out of this

[NoraNellie]

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - no, I wouldn't be happy about it whatsoever. I think I said that already?

@NoCauseRebel - hang on, are we really now seriously thinking my DH and his wife are having an affair?! That's sounding more like a John Updike novel by the minute. I'm not having an affair, and nor is DH! I'm not in love with this man either. I just find him very attractive, and I wish I didn't.

@Takingontheflab - obviously I don't know really anything about their marriage. But I know my own - and it is happy. Finding someone else attractive and having my head turned like this has thrown me.

Oh sorry just saw your other post where you said you h wouldn't take this well. My friend does have a very open communication with her h which I'm aware not all people have

We are both in long, solid, happy marriages

There's nothing solid or happy about either of your marriages.

A solid, happy marriage, where the husband and wife are a team, where they love each other and support each other and cherish each other is nothing like the marriage you are in.

If you genuinely loved your husband and hadn't had your head turned by this man's flirty attention, you would have told your husband the minute he began behaving inappropriately.

As it is, you are behaving like the heroine in some abysmal chicklit you can download for free on Amazon. Ridiculously flattered that someone other than your husband fancies you.

You sound like someone with terribly low self-esteem.

I could of written your post 5 years ago, I'd just hit 41, felt great about myself, no issues with DH and met up with a new couple, friends of friends.

My life changed from that day - the husband in the new couple reminded me of an old boyfriend, he paid me attention, he was amazing with his children, he cooked, cleaned and was so involved as a husband and father. I realised actually there was something wrong with my dynamic in my marriage and I started to think about him all the time, and started to dismiss any feelings for my husband.

Then I found that more and more we would be the ones to arrange the gatherings, he'd be the one saying "let's invite" and gradually the hand holds, they eye contact and then the messaging on Facebook that moves to whatapp all messages were deleted and were both of us equally choosing lines.

We'd talk for hours about how we just felt, how he understood everything, he totally and completely love bombed me! And I fell for everything.. I was obsessed, we'd talk first thing, calls every drive home, any excuse to meet we'd sneak off, I was messaging him from my family holidays.

Then we started meeting without partners for a coffee and drinks and it escalated way beyond where I ever thought I'd end up.

I felt totally happy, like I had this amazing secret and it was just fun and exciting.. if typing this makes me smile.

I considered leaving DH who by this point had a pretty good idea of what was going on and was not in a good place.

He actually left his wife and moved out and I'd go and visit him, it was a bloody great mess.

So fast forward, I've not spoken to him for 2 years, we both decided to go no contact and broke our own rules a few times a quick happy birthday or hey how are you. He's back home with his wife and family and I'm living in a dead marriage that I killed.

When we went no contact it was like going through a marriage breakup, while married. It was the hardest thing I've done in a long time.

It was the support and help from mumsnet that made me realise it was those last chance hormones, it was a crush an escape from the slightly boring life and to be strong and grow the fuck up.

So you are at the start of the above.. it will escalate because you don't actually want us to tell you why you shouldn't do it.

You just want to share your excitement and joy as having someone fancy you and you want your affair validated, I did this as well because mumset is safe (as long as the daily mail go away!)

Read my story do you want a dead marriage where you've trashed your love for your husband and can't begin to figure how to get it back? Do you want to feel sick with guilt?

I'm living in limbo, I wish I'd never laid eyes on that man, if I could I rewind time I'd of told my husband I was worried about our marriage and addressed everything that was wrong and burnt my stupid phone and never downloaded whatapp!

Unsure as to why so many posters are putting the blame on the man....oh yes, I forgot.. it's MN.

Both as bad as each other !

@kittykat93 - thanks for the slightly more measured response there. I get that the flirting isn't big or clever, and I'm trying to minimise opportunities for that to escalate. Most of all though, I want to stop thinking about him. I do think it's a bit to think that marriages must be unhappy if you find someone else attractive.

@NoCauseRebel - well, yeah. I think that would hurt DH a lot, particularly when he has to work with the guy. I'd rather try to be an adult and just deal with it myself.

You say you want to stop thinking about him, but do you really?

On some level, even if you don't admit it to yourself, you are probably enjoying it. You have to be open with yourself and accept that.

It's OK to meet someone that you find attractive. That happens! Just acknowledge it to yourself, and don't feel guilty. It is what it is. It can be a nice feeling, and you can enjoy his company.

It doesn't mean you love your husband less or you are going to run off with this man - as you say you are both in secure stable relationships and you don't want to change that (or at least, you say you don't?)

If that's true then you should just be able to enjoy this guy's company for what it is, within the boundaries of your friendship.

You know where the line is with this... and that line is there because you want it to be. If you cross the line then you never wanted it to be there in the first place, did you?

@MaelyssQ - my self esteem is fine, I think. I'm not particularly flattered - he's not the first man to find me attractive since I've been married, and I'm sure various women have found my DH attractive also. We do have a happy, supportive marriage, and as I said earlier - this man is the only person who has truly turned my head in many years, and I don't like it.
His colleague has been (too) flirtatious on occasion, as have I, and if you read what I actually say, it's clear I don't want this to escalate.

I don't think my marriage is lacking just because I didn't charge off to my DH to say 'hmmm, your colleague put his hand on my knee for what I perceived to be a second too long after 4 glasses of wine'.

I do think it's a bit * to think that marriages must be unhappy if you find someone else attractive.*

Agreed. Finding other people attractive is totally natural.

But in a genuinely strong, happy marriage people don't tend to allow other people - especially a friend of their partner - to touch them under the table, brush hair away from their face, stroke their skin etc.

You keep reiterating you want to know how to stop thinking about him. If you really 'can't' do it yourself willpower wise, you need to go to a counsellor to talk it through.

You just wishing you could feel differently isn't working is it? And you're romanticising something (saying you feel like a starry eyed teen) that is just pretty grim and also really nasty to both your partners.

Why not try some solo counselling if you really do want to stop being obsessed with someone behaving like a prick and enabling you to do the same?

@itwillbehormones - thanks for sharing your experience and it's helpful for me to hear it. It would be pretty difficult for us to contact each other privately for various reasons, so that's a good thing.

@wildraisins - thank you. Yes, you are right - it was enjoyable (in a sense) to feel that spark with someone, but I just want to dial it RIGHT down so it doesn't feel like it occupies my head space or is a risk.

I don't think my marriage is lacking just because I didn't charge off to my DH to say 'hmmm, your colleague put his hand on my knee for what I perceived to be a second too long after 4 glasses of wine'.

No, people are saying your marriage may be lacking because you liked it and it's happened again and again. And you can't stop thinking about him - your words.

That is why people are saying your marriage isn't as happy and strong as you keep saying.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - thank you. Yes, I know the physical stuff has crossed a line and I allowed it to. I do take responsibility for that. I'm trying not to romanticise it...well aware I'm closer to fifty than fifteen, and there is nothing glamorous about it, but the feelings are overwhelming to me. If I can't get past them then perhaps I do need to talk it through with somebody. I doubt that Dh's colleague gives me or this situation this much thought in the grand scheme of things, which is sobering.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - you are right. In those moments, finding him as attractive as I do, I did like it and I didn't stop it....and now, I can't stop thinking about him and my head is in a mess. I know this is my fault as much as his.

[quote NoraNellie]@kittykat93 - thanks for the slightly more measured response there. I get that the flirting isn't big or clever, and I'm trying to minimise opportunities for that to escalate. Most of all though, I want to stop thinking about him. I do think it's a bit to think that marriages must be unhappy if you find someone else attractive.

@NoCauseRebel - well, yeah. I think that would hurt DH a lot, particularly when he has to work with the guy. I'd rather try to be an adult and just deal with it myself.[/quote]
You don't just find him attractive do you, though? You have flirted, exchanges suggestive comments, touched/caressed and kissed in the presence of and behind your partners back. You didn't go on a weekend away because you thought there was a chance you'd sneak off and shag him. Come on op, you know what's up. You're only listening to the posters who suit your narrative/minimise your actions. I'm sorry but this isn't what happens in healthy relationships.

[quote NoraNellie]@youvegottenminuteslynn - you are right. In those moments, finding him as attractive as I do, I did like it and I didn't stop it....and now, I can't stop thinking about him and my head is in a mess. I know this is my fault as much as his.[/quote]
You are also contradicting yourself

It's normal to find someone else attractive
I can't stop thinking about him

Like one minute playing it down, the next you're infatuated.

honestly, i think you’re sick to be meeting up with his wife as a friend. that is really disgusting behaviour.

your poor husband, he deserves better. and so does his wife.

@malarkinn....agree 100%

I would work reconnecting with your DH emotionally, I mean above and beyond what you already have.

That instant connection with someone is a deep rooted thing, recognising something familiar in each other.

I'm not saying your marriage is lacking but that find something positive to increase and renew things with your DH will help. Have date nights the works and talking being really open etc.

[quote NoraNellie]@youvegottenminuteslynn - you are right. In those moments, finding him as attractive as I do, I did like it and I didn't stop it....and now, I can't stop thinking about him and my head is in a mess. I know this is my fault as much as his.[/quote]
That's why people have been frustrated when you kept doubling down on how happy and stable your marriage is.

People in a happy message do not enjoy another man secretly touching them under the table in the presence of their husband.

And they definitely don't then let it happen more than once and get infatuated.

It's ridiculous to say otherwise tbh,

@tigerlily20 - I don't think I'm contradicting myself really. I think it's normal to find other people attractive over the course of a LTR. I don't think it's normal to feel as strongly as I do for another person - so I came here for advice on how to stop that before it escalates further. I have a good marriage and a lovely husband and I know what I stand to lose. You can think our relationship must be lacking in some way if that makes you feel better. I know it's not - which is why this situation has messed with my head so much...

[quote NoraNellie]@tigerlily20 - I don't think I'm contradicting myself really. I think it's normal to find other people attractive over the course of a LTR. I don't think it's normal to feel as strongly as I do for another person - so I came here for advice on how to stop that before it escalates further. I have a good marriage and a lovely husband and I know what I stand to lose. You can think our relationship must be lacking in some way if that makes you feel better. I know it's not - which is why this situation has messed with my head so much...[/quote]
Well this isn't about making me feel better, I thought this was about giving you advice? But this thread has made me feel better, it's distracted me during a banging migraine so thank you

you know what to do op to stop it escalating, you don’t need mumsnet to tell you.

what would you expect your husband to do if he was carrying on like you and you found out?

do that.

Oh wait do you meet up with his wife as friends separately? You have a friendship with her too?! I think I missed that. It's all so grim, bloody hell.

@randommess - thank you. Good advice. I'm sure lockdown isn't helping in the grand scheme of things.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - I might well have said the same as you before I was in this position. I think there would be others who might disagree. Only I can say that I'm confident my marriage is a happy one, which is precisely why this is such a headfuck. But even if I now said 'oh well, this must mean my marriage is indeed lacking in some sense, even though I thought I was happy before', what good would that actually do? Many people (including some on this thread), mistakenly throw away good things and live to regret it. I don't want to do that.

@NoraNellie I think with what you are asking for help with, my suggestion would be to have some counselling (by phone or online).
Try to find a counsellor who specialises in relationships - in my opinion it would benefit you immensely to discuss this completely openly without fear of judgement.
I can hear that you don't want to act on this chemistry you feel - but clearly there is something stronger than your conscious thoughts and some good therapy will help you to uncover whatever that is so that you can overcome the chemistry.
Sometimes we have to be able to lay our souls bare to really get to the bottom of something - and there may be things you have not been able to admit to yourself yet. I wish you luck.
HTH