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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

someone give me a shake and help me out of this

280 replies

NoraNellie · 18/01/2021 11:53

Namechanged for obvious reasons. Need advice on how to stop feeling like this, because it's taking up WAY too much headspace.

Here goes. DH has a work colleague. About 18 months ago we started socialising with him and his wife. We all get on really well. Kids the same age etc.

As soon as we met, I felt a strong chemistry with DH's colleague. Without meaning to sound like a stupid, starry-eyed teenager - believe me, I feel like one! - it felt pretty full on. Haven't found anyone this attractive for many years. I think he's beautiful. We get on brilliantly. Same interests, make each other laugh, blah blah....

Over the course of various dinner parties and nights out, it became clear the feeling was mutual. Lots of low level flirting, long glances. Some crossing lines with physical contact when no-one else was looking. Suggestive words when no-one was listening. Not great, I know.

Neither of our partners noticed. I think they just think we get on really well and it's a fun 'foursome'. We are both in long, solid, happy marriages. I certainly don't want to embark on affair and I don't think he does either.

Obviously, we've seen these friends a lot less since the pandemic began. Once or twice for a walk when restrictions were lifted - and I didn't feel any differently. It's almost painful. During the summer, he and his wife invited us on a weekend away, and I made up some excuse about when I could take leave to my DH because it just felt too dangerous.

We live in the same town and last week I bumped into him, alone. We couldn't stop grinning at each other. And yet again, I can't get him out of my head.

I get all the stuff about hormones in midlife, the yearning for excitement, the psychology behind it. I'm trying to be an adult here, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me completely insane. I feel about 15.

How do I get over this? I'm proud of myself that I swerved the weekend away (much as part of me was desperate to go), but there will only be so many excuses I can make to avoid them etc. Plus, I don't even want to avoid them! I love their company - both him and his wife. I just need to stop feeling like this.

Advice very much appreciated.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 19/01/2021 16:09

[quote tigerlily20]@samyeagar you're one of those "humans aren't meant to be monogamous" types aren't you? Confused [/quote]
Oh no, not at all. What I am is a realist though, and acknowledge that some people struggle with it more than others. For some, it comes perfectly naturally, for others, it has to be a conscious choice.

dontgetmewrong · 19/01/2021 16:23

I've not read the whole thread yet but I do think some of the responses are very harsh. People can't help how they feel.

If you can't go no contact completely I would go cold on him when your out. Don't linger with the eye contact, don't sit beside him, make sure your never alone with him. Limit the amount of socialising you have with them. You can make excuses to not meet up all of the times they invite you. If anything he'll take the hint & back off & it'll fizzle out eventually.

Maybe take up a hobby that will take your mind off obsessing about him all of the time.

ravenmum · 19/01/2021 16:32

And even then, there is no actual proof for any of us, or the OP to see that this guy actually is some complete sleazy player.
He kissed her on the lips and was chatting her up with his wife in the next room. Of course that's sleazy.
OP set up this thread specifically asking for people to shake her out of it. That's why we're suggesting he's sleazy - because we are imagining her to be a normal person who'd not want to do sleazy things, and imagine that showing her the sleaze will shake her out of it - just as she asked ...

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 16:44

@ravenmum

And even then, there is no actual proof for any of us, or the OP to see that this guy actually is some complete sleazy player. He kissed her on the lips and was chatting her up with his wife in the next room. Of course that's sleazy. OP set up this thread specifically asking for people to shake her out of it. That's why we're suggesting he's sleazy - because we are imagining her to be a normal person who'd not want to do sleazy things, and imagine that showing her the sleaze will shake her out of it - just as she asked ...
But she is participating in, and wants to do the sleazy things. She wants to get her own sleazy thoughts out of her own head, and wants to stop wanting to do sleazy things.

Pointing out that he is sleazy might have an impact if she was dreaming of anything beyond just wanting to shag the guy, but the fact that she's not thinking beyond just wanting to bang him is at least partly why she is seemingly resistant to that part of the advice here. She doesn't care if he is or isn't sleazy. She sees a hot piece of ass and wants him. That's it. That simple.

As to how to break her out of it...Given how long this has gone on, even through extended no contact, I really think the only way might be for her to have that difficult talk with her husband.

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 16:49

Also maybe, as she doesn't see herself as sleazy, and this behaviour isn't typical of her, she's giving him the benefit of the doubt that this is just some kind of temporary madness for him too? Which it conceivably could be. Although I do think hands on knees under tables is sleazy and sounds like something from an off-colour 70s sitcom.
Sorry to butt in.Smile

ravenmum · 19/01/2021 16:56

She doesn't care if he is or isn't sleazy.
Now we've tried it, that seems pretty clear. But it was worth the try. Your theories are just theories too - you don't have the magic key to the OP's psyche, and I don't see you coming up with anything better ...good luck, though, if you do try, rather than just acting the part of the critic :)

ravenmum · 19/01/2021 16:57

Tbh I think she's just on here to talk about her exciting affair anyway, but that's also only based on her later comments.

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 17:11

@ravenmum

She doesn't care if he is or isn't sleazy. Now we've tried it, that seems pretty clear. But it was worth the try. Your theories are just theories too - you don't have the magic key to the OP's psyche, and I don't see you coming up with anything better ...good luck, though, if you do try, rather than just acting the part of the critic :)
The OP seems like an intelligent person, and while she is acting the part of a 15 year old giggly school girl, the fact that she is an active and equal participant in this from the very beginning said straight off that she doesn't care about the sleazy behavior.

And as for coming up with something better, I did state that I think the only way out for her is to tell her husband, and hope the shock of that snaps her out of this, otherwise, I see this festering on until she ends up getting shagging the other man.

Part of my insight here comes from knowing my wife. While not an exact analog, she is someone who can easily separate the physical sexual desire from any other component. If the lust kicked in, that's all that mattered, and no amount of her reframing her own thoughts would help. It would take an external shock to stop them.

SummerBlondey · 19/01/2021 17:32

While not an exact analog, she is someone who can easily separate the physical sexual desire from any other component. If the lust kicked in, that's all that mattered, and no amount of her reframing her own thoughts would help. It would take an external shock to stop them

You've been put on notice for when the inevitable happens. Lovely Jubbly.

tigerlily20 · 19/01/2021 17:35

-We have an instant chemistry, so much in common, a lot of interests
-I enjoy his company
-I haven't seen him over lockdown, it's almost painful
-he's quiet and shy and works in a mostly male industry (he's not like all the other guys)
-He doesn't come across as a suave serial philanderer (what we have is special)

It's seems like something deeper than just wanting to shag someone, you sound like you want op to be blasé and cool about this, that op is just a cool sexually liberated woman who is one of only a handful of woman who has managed to separate sexual attraction and love Hmmbut honestly it sounds like she's besotted with him and cannot find any bad points about him, he is the love interest.

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 17:52

@tigerlily20

-We have an instant chemistry, so much in common, a lot of interests -I enjoy his company -I haven't seen him over lockdown, it's almost painful -he's quiet and shy and works in a mostly male industry (he's not like all the other guys) -He doesn't come across as a suave serial philanderer (what we have is special)

It's seems like something deeper than just wanting to shag someone, you sound like you want op to be blasé and cool about this, that op is just a cool sexually liberated woman who is one of only a handful of woman who has managed to separate sexual attraction and love Hmmbut honestly it sounds like she's besotted with him and cannot find any bad points about him, he is the love interest.

She may use the flowery language and all that, but at the same time holds steadfast to being happy and satisfied in her marriage. Has not given any hint at wanting more than something physical. No indication of wanting to future plan.

I think a lot of her language is attempting to rationalize and reconcile her internal conflict. The disconnect between he being genuinely happy and satisfied in her marriage while at the same time, a raw lust for another man, and using the flowery language to rationalize her lust for him.

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 17:57

With all due respect, I'm not sure you understand women as well as you seem to think. Yes there is clearly lust going on, but how can you read that and not think there's an emotional component? Ime there usually is, and that makes it all the more dangerous.

tigerlily20 · 19/01/2021 18:00

@samyeagar ok, Freud 🤣 genuinely hope op manages to reign in her raging lust

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 18:11

@Aspiringmatriarch

With all due respect, I'm not sure you understand women as well as you seem to think. Yes there is clearly lust going on, but how can you read that and not think there's an emotional component? Ime there usually is, and that makes it all the more dangerous.
Ok, yes, there is an emotional component in that they are all friends, she and he have shared interests, that they get along swimmingly. All those things tend to build attraction in general, or at least not decrease attraction.
samyeagar · 19/01/2021 18:15

[quote tigerlily20]@samyeagar ok, Freud 🤣 genuinely hope op manages to reign in her raging lust [/quote]
This pretty much boils down what the OP has been asking this entire thread.

SummerBlondey · 19/01/2021 18:16

Whilst I'm sure some women can shag away for months on end with an affair partner, and not become emotionally invested, it is certainly not the norm. It's hardwired in to women to be this way. Sometimes I wonder if men really understand women at all.

ravenmum · 19/01/2021 18:25

I did state that I think the only way out for her is to tell her husband, and hope the shock of that snaps her out of this
Ah, so you repeated what I and others said yesterday, except as a man. Genius.

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 18:34

@SummerBlondey

Whilst I'm sure some women can shag away for months on end with an affair partner, and not become emotionally invested, it is certainly not the norm. It's hardwired in to women to be this way. Sometimes I wonder if men really understand women at all.
Of course it's not the norm, for anyone, men included. An ongoing sexual relationship usually leads to deeper emotional investment, but an awful lot of sexual relationships start without any significant emotional investment for men or women.

Looking at this particular case, the typical things that would stop these feelings haven't worked. Things such as framing the guy as a sleezy player wooing her, future trust issues, if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you, imaging the farts in bed, complaining about the dishes and sock let all over the floor...

Those things only tend to work when there is future planning, when they apply to what is wanted, and in regards to the OP, it doesn't appear to have any effect because she isn't looking for anything to which those would apply. She's not rewriting marital history, she's not wanting to run off with this guy, she's not wanting to lose her marriage.

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 18:37

samyeager I think maybe you're underestimating how powerful infatuation can be in both blinding you to someone's likely faults or making them seem irrelevant.

tigerlily20 · 19/01/2021 18:41

@samyeagar you don't have to preach to the choir, I've been here from the start WinkJust giving my opinion and that comment was genuine, I really hope she does put her family first.

samyeagar · 19/01/2021 18:41

@ravenmum

I did state that I think the only way out for her is to tell her husband, and hope the shock of that snaps her out of this Ah, so you repeated what I and others said yesterday, except as a man. Genius.
Not sure what me being a man has to do with it if we are in agreement there. I just happened to have a different take than others here that led to the same conclusion. It's not like anyone else's ideas were making any headway with the OP.
samyeagar · 19/01/2021 18:51

@Aspiringmatriarch

samyeager I think maybe you're underestimating how powerful infatuation can be in both blinding you to someone's likely faults or making them seem irrelevant.
Infatuation is indeed powerful and can totally blind people, but given what the OP has said about how long this has been going on, even with significant periods of no contact, most of the time, simple infatuation would have worn off, or at least waned a bit by now. One thing though that has been missing in this thread from the OP is the typical confusing infatuation for love. Haven't really seen the OP suggest she is in love with the guy, and falling in love, or wanting him to fall in love with her, or any of those things that are typical of infatuation
Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 19:23

The problem is with your theory @samyeagar is that feelings change.

Lust nearly always plays the part initially in an affair but then emotions change, along with that can come feelings of a different future.

You say nothing will change op's mind until she's shagged him, surely some people have the capability of seeing the consequences of their actions?
Can you imagine the fallout of this little scenario, because I really don't think the op can. Her husband works with the guy, his wife is friends with her, the children probably know one another, their work circle of friends, family, the list goes on.
Apart from the fact it will be the biggest humiliation for her husband, I just don't know what could stop this juggernaut of feelings she has for him escalating.
She has mentionitus, she has it bad.
Other than calling her salacious names she seems adamant on ruining everybodies lives.

Op grow up and let him destroy someone elses family, so what he's attractive, other women probably feel the same about him, what he thinks of you though could be quite different.
He probably thinks your just a desperate 50 year old whose exceptionally easy to pull.

Why not respect yourself if you can't respect others.

BareFacedLila · 19/01/2021 19:29

Wow, can't believe this thread is still going! You've had loads of advice OP. If none of it has helped you get over this, then just have the affair or find a counsellor.

Aspiringmatriarch · 19/01/2021 19:34

Honestly, infatuation can run and run! I think there's some biochemical explanation to do with intermittent rewards and their effects on the brain.