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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being pressured to become a SAHM

526 replies

whattodo202000 · 17/01/2021 16:10

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 19/10/2021 14:11

Hang on in there

I agree is either desperate for a shag/to get you pregnant or he is emotionally abusive and this is Mr Nice cycle.

Have you read "why does he do that" by Lundy?

Triffid1 · 19/10/2021 14:21

Aaah OP, this is so hard. But it's not like you haven't told him, repeatedly, what you need and want. If he's now stepping up a little, he probably thinks, "grand, we're all sorted" but of course your'e suspicious and will need this to be a much longer term thing. Carry on with your plans. If, over the next few weeks, you start to feel different, you can always assess. But the truth is that someone treating you badly over a long time can't be fixed with a few nappy changes and flowers over the course of a week.

billy1966 · 19/10/2021 16:00

Yes OP, be very vigilant about him sexually.

He would love another pregnancy to muck up your independence and promotion.

Itstimetoquit · 20/10/2021 00:52

He's just after sex!

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 20/10/2021 07:41

He's either sending you pull away so he's changing his tactics as his usual behaviour isn't working. Don't worry he'll return to type, or as the pp said, he's after sex.

picklemewalnuts · 20/10/2021 08:00

What a delight of a thread. Woman pops on to MN for advice during mat leave.

Reassesses her situation and discovers she accidentally married a sexist pig and manages to keep her work and independence allowing her to be free of said sexist pig and avoid long term emotional abuse.

Result. Well done, OP. Well done, wise women of MN.

PorridgeGoneWrong · 22/10/2021 19:25

Hey OP, thinking about you.

You sound like you know how to look out for yourself. Well done you!

How is it going? How long did Mr Nice Guy last?

Original poster

whattodo202000 · 16/11/2021 08:27

Another update, I am counting down to my solicitor appointment next week!

Since I last posted it has been a strange time. He was being super nice, doing household chores, cooking dinner, started playing with DD . I started to feel a bit guilty about leaving him and nearly cancelled my solicitor appointment.

On Sunday though, all that changed. After our family breakfast (which has been a new thing he suggested) I asked if he could watch DD while I had a shower and got dressed. I was gone about 15 minutes - had a nice shower, had my music on, dried my hair. When I was dressing I heard DD crying so called downstairs to see if he needed help. No response and DD sounded hysterical so I ran downstairs and found her alone, in a dirty nappy, TV on and he was no where to be seen! I noticed his bike had disappeared and called his mobile no answer.

Turns out he got bored and fancied a bike ride. He can't understand what the problem is since I was in the house! Maybe I am over reacting but who leaves a 14 month old alone unattended. He says I am going to make her clingy. She is happy to play alone while I am in the kitchen but I really don't feel right her being left without anyone nearby. Anything could have happened..... Sorry just have to get it out there, it has really shaken me.

OP posts:

Owambe2021 · 16/11/2021 08:41

I’m sorry, he did what?! That may be the most irresponsible thing I’ve read on here.

I think I hate your husband.

Original poster

whattodo202000 · 16/11/2021 08:46

Yes sadly true. Truth is I have no idea how long he left her alone for, I couldn't hear anything with the shower on and music on and feel so guilty. She does get involved with her toys so I suspect he snuck out while she was playing and she went looking for him and got hysterical when she realised no one was there .

Never again. Do I have to go 50/50 with him after divorce? I really don't trust him with her. I am sure solicitor will advise but I really don't want him having her alone after this incident.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 16/11/2021 08:53

I can't imagine he'll have much interest I n50/50 but will likely threaten it to scare you

Ugzbugz · 16/11/2021 08:57

Don't be embarrassed or feel silly, unfortunately it's a very common occurrence. I was with DP for 9 years before we had our baby and it was over by the time our baby was 18 months. He was utterly useless and selfish and I was so taken back. 13 years later he's still the same.

From what you've said, I doubt he will even want your daughter 50/50. Stick to your guns and get rid.

NettleTea · 16/11/2021 09:27

he will say 50-50 so that he doesnt have to pay maintanance. But in reality he is very VERY unlikely to actually want that, nor be able to facilitate it due to his work. Dont let him have every weekend either - you need to think of a sustainable ongoing pattern that doesnt leave you doing all the hard work in the week, whilst he gets the funtime weekend.

the usual standard seems to be every other weekend and one night in the week - where he will have to be responsible for pickup from school/nursery and drop off the following day.

JustKittenAround · 17/11/2021 04:09

@whattodo202000

Never again. Do I have to go 50/50 with him after divorce? I really don't trust him with her. I am sure solicitor will advise but I really don't want him having her alone after this incident.

Talk with a lawyer about your options.

Also… guy isn’t going to want her 50/50 they never end up that way.

He can’t even watch her while you take a shower. Come on.

PurpleOkapi · 17/11/2021 04:50

I love my DH staying at home, because it makes my life much easier. But if he wanted to do something else, I'd fully support that, because I'm not a selfish twat.

ironorchids · 17/11/2021 05:16

I think you need to contact a divorce lawyer.

SaltyPepper · 17/11/2021 05:21

I think most men would have a SAHM and SAHW if they could. If he wanted this (or something closer to it) then he shouldn’t have married someone who n the career path. Not your problem OP.

Graphista · 17/11/2021 05:51

my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first

Wow!

Then I realised that was Jan and read the updates

He's a shocker isn't he!

Don't feel silly. I was with my ex 13 years, married 10 but dd was a year old when we split - he was having an affair but I think he had it at least in part as he couldn't cope with seeing himself as a responsible father. He was an involved and engaged father while we were still together but as soon as we split he had no interest in dd.

I very much regret now that I pushed hard for contact to be maintained. With hindsight and seeing how his indifference to dd, favouring of his dc with ow, and later complete absence from dds life for several years (his choice by his inaction but he blames me) affected and continues to affect dd (now 20) i wish I had let him simply gradually disappear from her life when she was little and wouldn't have known the difference

I don't see your Dh going for 50/50 except possibly to try and dodge maintenance

On that score my advice would be don't depend on getting that it's very poorly enforced in the Uk

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/11/2021 06:01

@PanamaPattie

Your mother is right. Always earn your own money and never be dependent on a man.

You are putting her first. You are providing her with a happy. mentally stable mother who is able to provide for her if things go wrong, You are setting a good example for her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2021 06:30

@whattodo202000

Never again. Do I have to go 50/50 with him after divorce? I really don't trust him with her. I am sure solicitor will advise but I really don't want him having her alone after this incident.

I wonder if that's his plan. Make you think he can't be trusted so you don't leave him. Offer crumbs of love then withdraw them so you're scared.

Your poor DD. Her father is such a wanker. Fortunately she has you.

FlamingoQueen · 17/11/2021 07:14

You sound like such a lovely lady and don’t deserve any of this. Don’t feel bad about divorcing - this is not your doing!

I wish you every success for the future.

lentilsandeggs · 17/11/2021 07:21

Op you are awesome. You’ve got back into work and scored a promotion on three days a week.
The plan is coming together. Hang in there.
And please don’t feel guilty about your daughter. Any idiot would know not to leave a 14 month old baby entirely unsupervised.
I feel sorry for your daughter having such a useless dad but at least you are unlikely to have him make a serious demand for 50/50.

Dery · 17/11/2021 07:35

“She went looking for him” - okay, at a push I thought maybe she was strapped into a chair or something. It would still be completely wrong but she would probably be safe. But the fact that she was free to wander. 14 months old. Does he not realise that above all tiny children must be watched at all times to keep them alive and uninjured. To keep them safe. If she was wandering, she could have picked up the wrong thing, swallowed it and choked. To death. That is the risk he took. Tiny children cannot be left unattended unless they’re asleep. She must have been terrified, poor little thing. And this wasn’t after you’d left them for hours on end (still not okay) - this is what he did when you went for a shower. I agree with PP - it may be subconscious but he has an agenda.

picklemewalnuts · 17/11/2021 07:36

Pay yourself on the back, OP. You could have blindly stumbled along for a few more years and another DC, losing your career along the way. You've been determined and clear sighted. Your DD will learn strength and independence from you, as you did from your mum.

Megan1992xx · 17/11/2021 07:46

I think you should become a SAHP because every child benefits from being with their Mummy

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