Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Don’t try to apply logic to this behaviour OP. This stuff is primal and there is no logic to it. He needs to dominate and control the mother of his child, it is as simple as that. His behaviour does cross the threshold into low level abusive - not parenting his child is neglectful of him, not supporting his wife, dominating and bullying are all her just shitty low level abusive behaviour. Non abusive behaviour looks like compromise, negotiation, participating in parenting, supporting, having your back. Having a child has brought out the absolute worst in this man. He has shown himself to be highly immature and lacking in morals and values.

Congratulations on your promotion and I’m appalled at his attempts to talk you out of it with 1,(one!!) meal and a broken promise of a day out.
I think your instincts about getting out were correct. He does not value you as a person.

Congratulations on your promotion!

I think he is misogynistic and lazy. He wants you to do all the parenting, housework and mental load for you to be the little wife at home whilst he can do as he chooses as you are default parent and everything else.

In terms of separating I'd be tempted to move in with your Mum if it will make your life easier. He can have DD EOW, no doubt he'll ripe his Mum in to help.

The 2nd child was all about keeping you trapped and stuck at home.

@whattodo202000

Thank you for all the replies and sorry for not updating everyone individually. I did not expect so much so much support and thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

To answer a few questions, his mother was a SAHM and has a negative view of women who choose careers over raising a family. This could be where he has got this idea from. It is like a switch flicked in his head once DD was born. Before she was here he did at least 50/50 on housework (without being prompted I might add) and was my biggest supporter in furthering my career and seeing me get promoted at my company. He always said he had the upmost respect for working mothers and when I was pregnant with DD was very keen that I not loose my career as I have worked so hard for it, I earn a good amount of income from it.

As soon as DD arrived, it is like he has forgotten how to load a dishwasher, how to hoover, how to put use the washing machine, etc and of course has never attempted to change a nappy, a feed, a bath for DD. A few weeks after DD arrived, I got so upset by everything (being fully responsible for DD, the night feeds, the upkeep of the house), I had what I can describe as a mini breakdown where I packed a suitcase and was going to move into my DM's for a few days but he managed to talk me round and made be feel like it was my hormones or PND.

I am now at a point where I WILL be going back to work part time (with DM looking after DD while I am working) for now and see where we go from here. He is sulking at the moment but I am past the point of caring how - I really have had enough of this. I am thinking of moving in with DM temporarily again, at least I will have the support I am not getting here.

I think deep down I am embarrassed by what he has become and the fact we have not been married that long (just over 2 years now) so would feel like a failure if we got a divorce .

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think some people don't realise that men aren't always honest with women about what they want, and that sometimes men simply change their minds once they have a taste of what it's like to be King of the Castle.

I have read multiple cases like yours but usually it's because the woman has mistaken silence or luke-warm nodding for agreement when it comes to modern views of gender roles. In your case, your partner was demonstrably supportive and had an existing good track record of splitting the housework 50/50 and having no issues with that. You seem to have done everything sensibly. No wonder you thought it was a good idea to proceed and have children with him.

Here's what I posted on another thread. It might have some relevance for you. LittleRuby's thread is here, in case you're interested -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4370339-Verging-on-having-a-breakdown-due-to-my-relationship?msgid=111500397#111500397

**

<strong>littleruby</strong>

*Yes it's the resentment that I am struggling with the most. I just don't understand how someone can lie in bed so engrossed in their own world whilst their other half is really struggling with not only the children but also unwell. I just can't get my head around how you can treat someone like that. I've worked so hard to look after the children and keep everyone happy , I think it's now that I've become ill that I realise I can't keep on like this and I realise how selfish he is. And I only have hopefully a temporary illness. If I was seriously unwell I honestly think he'd just be angry that there was no one to get up in the morning with the kids! Or now they're at an age he'd most likely just tell them to sort themselves out I suspect...
Yes I agree I don't like the sort of image this projects to the children either. I think they should see parents supporting each other, not a mother run ragged and a father then shouting at her when she asks him to help*

I know why - it's because your husband neglected to tell you that he had 1950s expectations. And why on earth would he have been honest about that with you? A lot of women would simply run in the other direction and so these types men keep it quiet until it's too late. That, and possible a dose of selfishness and maybe lazyness.

With men like this, they decide in their heads that housework and child rearing is entirely the women's responsibility, and if she wants to work, then that's her choice you see. This is especially the case is the man earns a lot more - he simply won't see the point of her working and thinks it's some kind of tiresome self-indulgence that he has no plans to support. Therefore, he doesn't mind seeing her struggle because it's her choice to be struggling with all of that. No one is making her put all of that on her plate. She could simply reduce her hours or not work at all......but of course he has no plans to do the same as he would find that preposterous, emasculating, and he knows it would make him financially vulnerable to cut back on working like that.....but it's ok for women to do that.....because it's the woman's role in life to do this.

I'm not sure if your husband would see himself as selfish - it's likely he will simply see you as not performing your womanly, motherly duty properly and he has to indulge and tolerate you not coping with everything perfectly out of your own choosing.

@whattodo202000

The strangest thing has happened today! Instead of locking himself in his room gaming, he asked if I could teach him how to change a nappy and wants to do DDs bath and bedtime! He’s also cooking us dinner tonight and is being very clingy. I haven’t told anyone of my plans and was going to start looking at solicitors next week.

He has also decided that instead of doing his hobby all weekend (he is part of a cycling group) which he never cancels, he has insisted on taking us out and spending the weekend with me and DD. No idea what to think. Going to make the most of his sudden support but part of me feels it’s too late.

Yes I can see how that would be confusing.

The way that someone behaves when they want something, or they feel they're going to lose something, is not the same as someone's baseline, natural traits that they exhibit in everyday, mundane situations.

he has insisted on taking us out and spending the weekend with me and DD. No idea what to think

Wow - so your company is suddenly enjoyable all of a sudden??

I think he's already shown you who he is and it's really turned you off him.

Instead of locking himself in his room gaming
instead of doing his hobby all weekend (he is part of a cycling group

This is very common on Mumsnet, at least. So many problems with gamers or men who disappear all weekend cycling.

I think what has sparked all this was my mentioning my upcoming promotion to him on Thursday night. After all the cooking and clinginess, he kept talking about my work and promotion and felt we had to make a joint decision on whether I should take it or not. Cut a long story short, I told him I was accepting it (irrespective of what he felt), didn't want to have sex with him. He went off to his room to sulk/game and has just announced that he has changed his mind and is off cycling today angry. That didn't last long. I cannot make sense of him anymore

God, so it was performative then. He was trying to butter you up :/

It's not always obvious what abuse is... my narcissistic exh would also turn on the charm and do things 'unexpected' when he wasn't getting his own way, or if the sulking or other abuse didn't work. So he could turn round and say 'well I did ask you nicely' or 'I've been helping with the dc so I don't think you should do X' it's all part of the abusers toolkit to keep you on your toes and to ensure you okay the game.

Congratulations on your promotion! The PP's suggestion of moving in with your mum sounds like a good one, if that would be possible. I'm sorry he has changed since you had your daughter, you are better off without him.

Would he discuss a promotion of his with you, or just accept one and expect you to celebrate with him?
Tell him if he wants a second child so badly, he can be the SAHP.
Congratulations on your promotion 🎉

Lovely to have an update, they are so rare. Well done on the promotion and return to work, but most importantly not putting up with this shit. You will be a great role model for your daughter.
Best of luck with the divorce!

Well he's bloody selfish. Working full time, god what a neglectful parent!!

He's full of self-serving bull. I bet its great having someone make your life easier by taking all the responsibility for parenting while he gets to focus on his career.

Tell him to jog on and make sure he steps up.

How are you today?

Bloody hell I wish I'd noticed the date, I thought it said 10 not 01!

I am inspired by your strength. My ex did this when we got married, he suddenly seemed to think it was my duty to serve him.

Sorry for going quiet, thank you so much for asking how I am and for all the messages of support. It was your standard weekend - he went off cycling all day on both days while I had the weekend to play with my DD, I took her out, I cleaned the house and then back to work yesterday. I am tired of it all tbh, he is suddenly going through periods of being super nice and clingy to ignoring me! I have had a load of text messages this morning saying how much he loves me, how he is so lucky to have me and DD in his life, etc.

I was going to try to sit tight till I get my first payslip (post promotion) so when we are splitting I am in a position to take over the mortgage on the house. I won't be able to pass the affordability on my current wage but will with my increase in salary. It is just so hard to keep going now I have woken up and realised what an idiot I married.

I have known him for years and just can't grasp how he has become this. I am with a stranger. Please tell me it gets better. That is what keeps me going, I just know that it will be worth it in the end.

It will get better.
How could it not.

He's a loser.
A complete waste of space.

Can you get your new salary confirmed on paper?

Take this time to be as organised as possible.

Continue to detach emotional.

How will you manage childcare?

Have you told family and friends that you are biding your time to get him out?

Both days cycling?
Could he possibly be a more selfish waster.

I would answer his texts with "clearly you don't value me or our daughter, as you never do ANYTHING with her or us as a family, and spent both Saturdays/Sundays cycling".

At least you will have proof of that.

He's the type of waster who will tell you he wants custody of a child he has NEVER bothered with🙄.

Such a loser.

Keep posting.

He went cycling both days!!!

This weekend tell him you are going out both days for x hours and he is in childcare and house duty so he needs to xyz done like you had to last weekend.

I'd be beyond fuming! Your poor DD that he takes zero interest in parenting her.

Life will be better on your own as you won't have the raging resentment and you will actually get time off from parenting unless he doesn't have any contact with DD at all!

It will get so much better when you're divorced and don't have to have this idiot in your life any more. Yes, you'll still have to do it all - but it will be one person's mess, and you'll be in charge of your life and your household.

@whattodo202000 you sound like a smart woman. You know this is not the relationship model you want your daughter to observe and emulate.

I think he has realised something is going on. He has become very affectionate - sending soppy text messages, bought me my favourite chocolates and flowers the other day, etc. Totally different man and is the same man I fell in love with. Has a sudden interest in DD and since last weekend has spent all his spare time playing with her, being involved in dinner, bathtime, etc! A total U turn.

I feel so guilty but have to post here to get my emotions out, I still want to proceed and separate. I know he has changed (for a few days!) but it just feels too little too late. I feel silly since we have only been married over 3 years and I feel like a failure being a divorcee in my early 30s. I have a solicitor appointment booked in for early November and will be sticking with it.

I just need to keep reading this thread to keep me on track.

People don't often change, especially without an acknowledgement that their behaviour is unacceptable and a sincere apology. Basically, changing means they have to learn to consider others alongside themselves and, when you've got into the habit of putting yourself first and viewing those around you as being there purely to facilitate you, that's a hard thing to do.

Classic.

He no doubt has copped that you have emotionally disengaged and so he knows exactly what he needs to do.

OP, he ALWAYS knew how he should behave as a husband and father but he thought he didn't have to because he's a selfish prick, who thought you would suck up his behaviour.

That was why he wanted you stuck at home and dependent.
He would have only gotten a lot worse.

But you were too smart, too clued in, to independent.

He COMPLETELY underestimated YOU.

COMPLETELY.

He now realises that and is backtracking.

This is not the real man.

The real man is the selfish prick who has treated you appallingly.

Stay on track.
He is not a man to EVER depend on.

Stay on track.
Don't respond or acknowledge this new version of him.
Stay on track and carry on as normal.

Expect him to want some praise and acknowledgement of great he is suddenly being.
He could well be nasty if he doesn't get it.

Stay on track with your job and plans.

Tell family and friends for support.

You have NO reason to feel embarrassed.

He turned out to be a deeply unpleasant, controlling man who has shown NO interest in his child.

Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Keep posting and keep that appointment.

Totally different man and is the same man I fell in love with.

You feel in love with an ideal that did not last. Look at his actions in the longer term to know who he is. All abusive relationships ever start off with a great guy and then the mask slips, but it is very easy to put the mask back on once in a while to keep you confused.

His being pleasant is just a mask.

The real him is a man who has done nothing for his child but felt justified telling his wife who does everything she is selfish for wanting to go to work 3 days.

This is who he is in a nutshell.

He wants another child when he has zero interest or involvement with the child he has.

He's a joke.
He just wanted you stuck.

Kindly, I don't think you EVER knew him.

I think he has potential to be emotionally abusive, he certainly would have ramped it up if you were at home and pregnant again.

He is an utter failure as a husband and father.
Keep reminding yourself of that.

Have you valued the house?

Getting as organised as you can is key.

Keep posting.

PT Work and looking after your child is a lovely balance and great for your mental health, career, pension and your bank balance. Happy mum = happy baby.

Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM! It can be brutal! And once you’re there you are often stuck!

By all means HE can be a SAHD but don’t YOU be pressured into jettisoning your career - just so he doesn’t have to put the bins out!

He’s showing you his true colours here…he has NO IDEA how much he’s asking!

Just read your updates. Sorry he’s so awful OP.

If you can use the waiting for solicitor time to reach him how to look after your DD you won’t be so anxious when it’s his turn to have her.

You haven’t failed - he has - spectacularly!

Good luck with your new life.

He’s just trying to trick you into having sex with him. His mask will slip again after he gets what he wants.