Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Op i really hope you keep head strong this time and have made a firm decision.

You need to re-read this thread back. Everytime your "d"h senses a change or a shift he doesn't like he manipulates you by behaving precisely how you want him to and love bombs you into a false sense of security.

You CANT keep buying it. Its a lie. Who he is majoirty of the time is the real him. He has already shown you his true colours for a long while now but you keep allowing him to put the blinkers over your eyes.

If you ever waver or doubt his intentions PLEASE read your updates again. Its a constant cycle of him being bad/him being good and you falling into it. I really hope you can put an end to this and it doesn't drag out any longer.

Good luck op with your appointment. Stay strong!

Don’t stop working, you’ll regret it x

I think if you enjoy your job, continue. Everyone's positions relating if they choose to work or is very individual but...
For me I enjoy working part time, my children see this and I hope I am a good role model for them to also become independent and have a fulfilling career.

If I was in your position I would continue to work 😁

He may threaten 50% but probably won’t stick to it. You need make sure that on his days he is responsible for the whole day and night including the childcare. Do not agree to a situation where he collects in evening and drops back early morning. He collects from childcare (or in future from school) and drops at childcare and pays the childcare for his days. Many men game the system by only doing the night. when dc go to school 50% means covering 7 weeks holiday a year plus half sick / snow days and before and after school on his days. As few jobs allow for this and men generally don’t want to go part time at work or pay several weeks of holiday childcare it’s unlikely he will want 50% if you stick to your guns that this is what 50% means.

@Megan1992xx if you'd bothered to rtft you'd realise that, thankfully, you're wrong.

@whattodo202000

I am so impressed by you! I was in your position with a husband just as selfish and absent as yours.I stupidly had two kids with him, and our marriage lasted over 20 years. I have finally very recently built up the courage to leave him, but I so wish I hadn't wasted all this time being married to him. I can't wait for my new life to properly start! My advice, get out as soon as you can. You and your DD will have an amazing life together and it sounds like you have a very supporting mum to help too when things get tough. Good luck!

No more doubting yourself OP, leaving this cretin is the only sensible option.

YANBU, my DH earns less than me and financially we would earn more collectively if I worked full time and my DH was a stay at home parent.

However he wants to earn his own money (says it would feel wrong taking "family money" to buy presents for me and also doesn't want a massive career gap on his CV. He works part time.

Additionally I really don't want to work full time now since our DS was born, so I work part time despite the pay drop which my DH has no problem with. Between us we're avoiding huge childcare costs and both get time looking after our DS solo and together, AND both have no career gaps.

Don't let him tell you it can't be done.

@Megan1992xx

I think you should become a SAHP because every child benefits from being with their Mummy

awww you are so right Megan1992xx, i will quit my job immediately so i can stay at home with DD.

I will send you my bank account details so you can pay my mortgage, council tax, gas, electric bills etc

Not everyone can afford to be a SAHP so stupid statements like this are pointless and finger pointing.

Your doing so well OP. That is all! Keep going.

He can’t possibly argue for 50/50 when he gets so bored after 10 minutes that he LEAVES HER AND GOES FOR A BIKE RIDE. That’s divorceable all on its own .
Don’t feel bad Op, he hid how selfish and lazy he was fairly well. People do that. You’ve done everything right once you realised. Gone back to work, got promoted… so many women just seem to put their hands over their ears and have another baby or two.

OP, I remember this thread and think I commented before. What a horrible horrible man. Do not let him change your mind. I think you're doing brilliantly though and soon you will be free of him. It's incredibly sad when someone shows you they aren't who you thought they are.

For me, him going out wasn't okay but the thing that I'd find outrageous about that is that he didn't even tell you. He literally has no concern for you or your DD.

He will threaten 50/50. He'll go back to telling you that your'e not maternal etc. The judge will laugh in his face because you will very easily be able to show that you are the only caregiver.

Really hope you can kick this idiot to the kerb OP.

You’ll be so much better with out him. FFS you trusted that he’d put her interests first for the duration of your shower and he just left her? At 14 months. That’s unforgivable. Had there been some kind of desperate emergency bike ride situation he could at the first least have brought her to you so she’d be safe. But no, because clearly there’s no such thing and he just snuck out.

Normal people don’t do that! We acknowledge the importance of the safety of little children. I mean if I were a random visitor/electrician/cleaner or what not and you dashed up stairs for the loo leaving your 14 month old with me, I’d stick around until you came back or would call up to you and offer to bring her to you if I had to leave. Babies always have to be handed off to someone else. Her own father just left without saying anything 😠

OP,

This is very important.

You need to tell the solicitor that THIS is the final straw.

Tell your GP too.

Your child could have died.

You cannot leave a child unsupervised at that age.

He won't look after his child for 15 minutes.

Please log this with your GP.

On top of him doing absolutely nothing with her since she was born.

I hope your new position is going well.

Without dramatics, he absolutely put your child at huge risk.

You are doing the right thing 100%.

He is scum.

Easy. You don't want to stay at home so don't. He doesn't get to make choices about your career.

Oh sorry didn't spot the date

Having a SAHP is lovely. You get your house cleaned and your dinner cooked and your child looked after, while all you have to do is swan out of the house to your job. I don't blame him for wanting to lump you with all the awful and draining domestic responsibilities.

Unless you 100% want to stay home, don't do it! And make sure he picks up his fair share of the domestic responsibilities once you're back at work. There's a risk he'll still leave you to cope with everything, then try to use you being exhausted as an excuse for why you should give up your job.

Wow, that's appalling. Time to steam forwards with the divorce. What a useless tosspot he is.

As for the handmaiden who has popped up - ODFOD.

YANBU OP. You've clearly thought this through and have a fab plan in place in terms of going back part time then increasing your hours. It's also setting a fab example for your DD for when she's older as well.

It’s not just your career future, the money now…the other reason to stay working is your pension and paid leave and any other benefits your company may give
Women’s pension are generally tiny compared with men’s. If you leave work you have big gaps in your and your companies contribution into a private scheme. As these gaps are at a young age the accumulation of that over years when the money you would have put in would have grown for maybe 25-30 years, becomes massive. You need this for your future financial independence. Remember the state pension does not pay out a widows pension and many pension draw downs don’t include spousal ensigns either unless you take massively reduced pensions/drawdowns.
Tell your husband if he wants you to stay at home, he pays you your salary plus your pension 🙄
Also don’t underestimate the benefit of paid leave. If you are a SAHM you literally can never have a day off to do anything without the kids unless partner agrees or you have willing family close by. With paid leave, kids can still go to whatever childcare they’re in and you can have a day without them to catch up on stuff that needs doing or just a day to do something you want to do. I used to keep some of my paid leave for family breaks, school hols, a bit to cover child’s sickness, and then reserve 1 day per quarter for just “me” time. I really benefitted form that.
It’s also about a sense of achievement with a small “a”. Looking after children full time is relentless and the housekeeping/domestic labour that goes with it is futile and unrewarding. Going to work and actually being able to do stuff and complete it and get to do the bits of the work you enjoy is priceless.
No, don’t be full time SAHM. Not unless it’s what you’ve always wanted and you’ve both agreed to pay you a salary and pension for doing that.
I suspect this is much more about it being easier for your partner and less demands on him than your child benefitting.

You are a class act OP - seriously, pat yourself on the back
Don't feel ashamed - this is not your fault.
Come back on here and reread the support and advice if ever you are having a wobble or second thoughts. Leaving him is the right thing to do.
Your DM sounds great. I'm glad that you have the support of (what sounds like) a wise woman.
Congratulations on your promotion. Stay strong. You can this and will be so glad down the line!

After the last stunt I'd be telling him he can see his dd as long as there was someone there to supervise the contact (sod 50/50). If he says no then I'd get SS involved and let them know what happened and why you want him to have supervised contact. They can help with this and it can all be done in a local contact centre.

Please, whatever you do dont do it. After 16 years of doing so, because I thought i’d be married forever…and having just split from my ‘D’ ex H of 20 years he's now trying to screw me over financially and doesn't want me ‘freeloading’ from him whilst I get back on my feet career wise having supported him fully for years to get him to his now 6 figure salary.
Dont ever hand any man that power, no matter how honorouable you think they are .

@whattodo202000

Another update, I am counting down to my solicitor appointment next week!

Since I last posted it has been a strange time. He was being super nice, doing household chores, cooking dinner, started playing with DD . I started to feel a bit guilty about leaving him and nearly cancelled my solicitor appointment.

On Sunday though, all that changed. After our family breakfast (which has been a new thing he suggested) I asked if he could watch DD while I had a shower and got dressed. I was gone about 15 minutes - had a nice shower, had my music on, dried my hair. When I was dressing I heard DD crying so called downstairs to see if he needed help. No response and DD sounded hysterical so I ran downstairs and found her alone, in a dirty nappy, TV on and he was no where to be seen! I noticed his bike had disappeared and called his mobile no answer.

Turns out he got bored and fancied a bike ride. He can't understand what the problem is since I was in the house! Maybe I am over reacting but who leaves a 14 month old alone unattended. He says I am going to make her clingy. She is happy to play alone while I am in the kitchen but I really don't feel right her being left without anyone nearby. Anything could have happened..... Sorry just have to get it out there, it has really shaken me.

That is truly shocking. He abandoned his baby because he was bored. Make sure you keep a record of that for when you go to court so you can show how neglectful he his. Bastard!