Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

I agree with your mother. I'm so glad I didn't give up my career as my relationship went south and I was still able to financially provide for my family. It's very important to me and I always advise people of this too.

Your dh is being a tit calling you selfish... maybe if he feels so strongly about it all HE should go part time too.

He's being incredibly selfish by effectively telling you to sacrifice your career forever whilst guilt tripping you into staying home and somehow feeling no responsibility for anything. Is he usually a controlling cunt or is this new?

Well done for having a plan.

He wanted you utterly dependent on him so you would feel stuck.

Thank goodness you weren't foolish enough to fall for it.

He is one of life's wasters.

Get as organised as you possibly can re housing, finances, financial paperwork.

Get the house valued as well.

The more paperwork you have re his salary etc the better.

Great update.
Please do so again.

The strangest thing has happened today! Instead of locking himself in his room gaming, he asked if I could teach him how to change a nappy and wants to do DDs bath and bedtime! He’s also cooking us dinner tonight and is being very clingy. I haven’t told anyone of my plans and was going to start looking at solicitors next week.

He has also decided that instead of doing his hobby all weekend (he is part of a cycling group) which he never cancels, he has insisted on taking us out and spending the weekend with me and DD. No idea what to think. Going to make the most of his sudden support but part of me feels it’s too late.

I have told him in the past how unhappy I was but he never did any of this. Really strange.

He's definitely got wind of you wanting to leave him from somewhere. Have you spoken to any mutual friends about it?

Any way he could have been alerted to MumsNet?

Is there any way he has seen this thread? Or logged onto a shared pc and check your history?

If he has seen this thread and it has made him wake up to what a dick he has been, fine. But it needs to be a permanent change, not just a flash in the pan. He will also have to work really hard to show you that he does actually care about you and respect you.
If it’s too late, change your password and username and come back here on a separate thread for support.

He’s read your thread. Stay safe

He's read this.

He's 100% read this.

He has absolutely read this thread.

Without ANY doubt.

Please be very careful.

Please tell someone of your intentions.

I would suggest you ask MN to delete this thread.

Log out fully.

Set up a completely new account.

He IS on to you.

Stay safe.

Sounds like he has read this thread.

Not ideal but not the end of the world either. May have to leave him before your fully ready but saves having the discussion about why you are leaving.

What s terrible father and husband he is - I know you will be far happier without him.
And from the sounds of it your DD doesn't know who he is so won't impact her either.

It's all a bit too little, a bit too late, isn't it?

I find it utterly pathetic that any grown adult can have a child who must be around a year old now? And is suddenly asking you to 'teach' him how to change a nappy.

That's just embarrassing that he suddenly thinks he should know how.

I also came on to say he has hacked your phone or laptop and read your posts. Please be careful as now he knows what you were planning and will have the upper hand.

It is a thing when people become parents they revert back to the roles of their parents as thats the way they have effectively been taught how to parent. But his way is extreme. And in general, anyone who wants their partner to make a big life change that only benefits them and not their partner, is inherently selfish. Anyone who let's their partner do their entire share of housework and childcare is selfish. Anyone who doesnt bother getting to know their own child, but wants their partner to have another, so they can ignore them as well, is selfish

Maybe this thread has given him a shock. But more likely he has just staying true to form and thinking about himself and thinks someone making his dinner and looking after his child, is best for him.

Definitely follow some basic security steps- change passwords, log out on all devices /apps and log back in. But teach him some skills while he’s pretending to be interested, he will be having to do some parenting soon enough!

I got to the bottom of it. There is no way he would be able to access MN and we have separate laptops and phones that are password protected.

I think what has sparked all this was my mentioning my upcoming promotion to him on Thursday night. After all the cooking and clinginess, he kept talking about my work and promotion and felt we had to make a joint decision on whether I should take it or not. Cut a long story short, I told him I was accepting it (irrespective of what he felt), didn't want to have sex with him. He went off to his room to sulk/game and has just announced that he has changed his mind and is off cycling today . That didn't last long. I cannot make sense of him anymore.

You'll be so much happier away from this horrible man.

Oh he sounds awful! Keep going with your plans to separate. You do everything yourself anyway.
Enjoy him being out of the house. What a prick!

Wow, what a selfish man. I'd be tempted to tell him I don't give a toss whether he stays or goes as it's not like he adds anything to your day anyway. In fact, you'd prefer him to go.

What's your earning potential like now in relation to his?

Would there be any mileage in suggesting you become the primary breadwinner and he goes PT / becomes a SAHD since he's so focussed on one of you being responsible for the housework/childcare?

Congratulations on the promotion.

Hopefully a plan will come together for you to lose the loser.

Congratulations on the promotion!

It’s quite clear that he thinks he’s your lord and master. He really does see you as a domestic slave, nanny etc and how dare you rise in your own career ambitions.

You will be a hell of a lot happier when you leave him.

No I wouldn't. And certainly not if I didn't really want to. And not because a man thinks it would be great to have his own residentaial maid of all work at home administering to his every need. Tell him to leave work and be your servant.