Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

@Giraffey1 - absolutely and I welcome everyone’s opinion, that’s why I asked. I thought it may make me feel differently/see it another way but it hasn’t.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - most people I know/associate with would be bothered if they couldn’t do something with friends/family on their Bday.

At no point have I said everyone is wrong. I’ve asked for opinions, have discussed and gone back and forth with people, but my viewpoint is unchanged.

@BendyLikeBeckham - no not neurotypical I just don’t see situations the same way as you/others But I’m not alone, there are a lot of black and white thinkers.

If you're not neurotypical then this explains why you can't see your h's point of view.
He's behaving in a neurotypical way by ignoring the past for the sake of the funeral. He is placing his children's feelings over the past which is what good parents do.

From a neurotypical point of view black and white thinking is a sign of immaturity/inexperience or selfishness. Young children are a prime example of black and white thinking but are forgiven for not having more knowledge of the world so thinking they are right. When I say selfish I mean a person might be determined to be right and paint the other person wrong.

I am not neurotypical either but my experience of life is that both people can be unreasonable and neither can be unreasonable too.

You're not unreasonable to think that their behaviour was outrageous. He is not unreasonable to prioritize his kids for the day. You're unreasonable to be uncomfortable and think that this warrants more of a conversation. He is unreasonable for taking you for granted and not talking to you in previous instances.

Out of interest are you ever wrong ? Do you see different shades of right and wrong?

[quote CaD14]@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - again I’d say that isn’t true. I’d say for all of my friends/family/people I see on FB and insta, they celebrate their birthday on their birthday. Booking annual leave to go out for the day/out for meals and drinks/nights out with friends etc. obviously not currently with Lockdown, but I think if you were to speak to most people they like to celebrate their birthday on their birthday. But that aside, like I said, this whole post wasn’t about the birthday, it was an additional point.[/quote]
I don't know anyone over the age of 21 in real life who gives a sod, even in normal circumstances. Never mind over a funeral.

Put into perspective his children have lost their grandfather. Your adult birthday is meaningless at the moment. These children are in your life forever and you seem bitter at them for needing their fathers support.

It's terrible you can't see that.

Sort your attitude out

I can see where the OP is coming from. The inability to recognise how lack of Emotional Intellegence is damaging her nearest and dearest can be explained by Dunning-Kruger effect.

@marshmallowfluffy - Yes there are definitely times when I am/have been wrong and can acknowledge that.

And yes I would say I do see shades of right and wrong, I’d say more so wrong. Someone can do something wrong, someone can do something worse which is ‘more wrong’. But I guess if something is right, it’s right?

[quote CaD14]@Sssloou hardly. Your viewpoint is the same as me saying people who see the grey area/are more forgiving are weak and afraid of conflict so take the easy route. Just because I might say it (I’m not saying it, just an example) doesn’t make it true or make people who are that way, think it’s true.[/quote]
It’s not my personal viewpoint. Black and white thinking is a well understood psychological trait associated with MH and PD disorders. That’s why I posted a link for you.

Where are you at now?

You asked if you were wrong - unanimously everyone said “Yes” - you disagree - which of course is your prerogative.

What will you do now?

The issue is op, you've written "am I in the wrong?".
98% have said you are - but you still can't see that.
I don't think you're going to benefit from this thread at all, unless you start at least attempting to see this from another viewpoint.
Put yourself in the shoes of a teen. They've lost their DGF, the world is terrible, we are in lockdown. Imagine then being told your dad won't be coming to support you, because his wife doesn't like your mum, or you. She's also written on an Internet forum about how much she dislikes you.

You absolutely need to accept his DC come before you. You can kick and scream all you like, but if you want to stay in this marriage, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

It's not as if you can go out celebrating on your birthday!

OP, you are like a dog with a bone. A broken record.

For the hundredth time, you are in the wrong on this. Accept and move on

@Sssloou - it wasn’t unanimous, but the vast majority. What I was hoping to get from this was someone’s experience/viewpoint that struck a cord with me to question my position. I’m yet to see that. People repeatedly saying child come first hasn’t changed anything. I’m not that heartless that I don’t already know kids come first, but that doesn’t account for everything, so no I’m afraid in this instance whilst others may feel I am wrong, I haven’t changed my mind.

I get the feeling that you are that black and white, there could be NOTHING that would change your mind OP. But you are still wrong. His children will always, ALWAYS come first. Gonna have to learn to lump it, sorry thats just how it is.

[quote CaD14]@Sssloou - it wasn’t unanimous, but the vast majority. What I was hoping to get from this was someone’s experience/viewpoint that struck a cord with me to question my position. I’m yet to see that. People repeatedly saying child come first hasn’t changed anything. I’m not that heartless that I don’t already know kids come first, but that doesn’t account for everything, so no I’m afraid in this instance whilst others may feel I am wrong, I haven’t changed my mind.[/quote]
Ok what about supporting you husband in something that clearly matters to him and deciding to be on his side and make things easier rather than harder. Still think you’re right, but decide to do what helps him. Like so many on here would say is the right thing to do

Ok what about supporting you husband in something that clearly matters to him and deciding to be on his side and make things easier rather than harder. Still think you’re right, but decide to do what helps him. Like so many on here would say is the right thing to do

This is really well put.

@CaD14 'I haven't changed my mind'.
Why did you ask, then?

[quote mineofuselessinformation]**@CaD14 'I haven't changed my mind'.
Why did you ask, then?[/quote]
That’s unfair. Posters are under no obligation to unquestionably accept the judgment of the MN hive mind.

@CaD14 FWIW I don’t think you’re being prickly. I think people are getting more and more irate that you won’t bow down to their thinking. Stepchildren are always a bit of a trigger anyway, so some would have said you’re wrong by virtue of being a stepmother, regardless of the situation.

For you now, you’re at an impasse. He’s not going to change his mind and you’re not going to magically be happy about it.

I actually think he sounds like a twat constantly shouting you down until you back down. What sort of relationship is that??

It could be that you’re fundamentally unsuited.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t let armchair psychologists on here make you think there is.

But...perhaps a relationship with a father just isn’t going to work. This funeral will only be one of many, many things that will come up regarding his children and likely his ex, too.

You’re entitled to any boundaries you set. Any! But it does sound like your boundaries aren’t compatible with his wants as their father.

So I think you have some thinking to do.

Maybe next time his own kids wrongly tell social services he beats and starves them, or their family tell police he is a pedo and get him suspended from work whilst being investigated I’ll just tell him ‘it’s happening deal with it’.

This is an extraordinary thing for a 14 year old and an 11 year old to do, and for social services and the police to be involved, for it all just to ebb away.

How was it ever resolved?

Were you implicated, or was this allegedly pre-you?

I think it's very hard to make a call on things when we don't know the backstory.
You have been together 9 years, you say he left his girlfriend 10 years ago. (Did you know him before he left? ) I would call her his ex partner who has 2 children.
They would have been 6 and 3 when he left.

The level of resentment his children feel to actively make a statement that he has abused them shows a level of toxicity that doesn't add up.
His ex partners extended family who have also accused him of child abuse.

All I can say is children can feel deserted, abandonned and forsaken due to fathers leaving them. Their hurt is truly palpable, they obviously blame you and so does the rest of the family, not just the ex partner.

What caused this utter hatred towards you?
You cannot change this situation but you could try seeing it through the eyes of his children.
Children should always come first, no exceptions, you say you understand that but you don't.
This funeral is just another example where you wish him to show the world that you come first.
Lose that perspective and in time hell who knows what bridges could be built.

You have no idea how much pain those children have felt by being abandoned by their father, crushing pain, pain that never goes away and is unfathomable for them to understand, it is not their fault.
They are allowed to see things as black and white, you are not, you are an adult.
Unless you are a parent you will never know how hearbreaking it is to see your children in pain.
We don't know how often he has put your needs above his own children.

Lose the argument about the funeral, this isn't about that, he's trying to balance the hurt out and putting his kids first. About time.

That’s my personality, people do something and I cut them out of my life.
I disagree with your entire life approach then, so can only advise that most if not all people will strongly clash with your approach at least sometimes, and if you could work at modifying your approach to add a little empathy and understanding for others, remembering nobody is perfect, then your relationship and your whole life might be easier.

Hello all 😒
I can't believe what I'm reading here .
This thread has deviated from the original source of the problem and almost become a witch-hunt for the op.
In fact it's almost like cyber bullying. Mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive community that we come to for help anonymously when we feel down and distressed and need to talk because we can't talk to our nearest and dearest but more and more is turning into an adult form of making people feel like shit for asking for help in the first place 😒.....
Food for thought .
We are supposed to help each other not come from a place of moral high ground . Just saying . This thread reminded me of when a teenager gets bullied online and the consequences of that can be catastrophic. Let's remember we should help the op not slam her for being vulnerable. I'm sure she's not a monster step mom and by the sounds of it has been put through the ringer by this "family". Some ex's are extremely vindictive and sadly they poison their kids against their stepmom or stepdad . I feel the op is genuine and has been abused in this situation and rightly expects some back up from her husband. That's the least she deserves. She matters too . This is HER life too .
Goodnight and godbless America . It's like Jeremy Kyle on here lately .....

@timeisnotaline

That’s my personality, people do something and I cut them out of my life. I disagree with your entire life approach then, so can only advise that most if not all people will strongly clash with your approach at least sometimes, and if you could work at modifying your approach to add a little empathy and understanding for others, remembering nobody is perfect, then your relationship and your whole life might be easier.

Just wow

You don’t get to dictate who ex keeps in his life. No one should have that much control over another person.

The children's mother will be there to support them.

I did not attend my Ex H mothers funeral, (our kids were teens at the time and did attend).

@sickofit39

Hello all 😒 I can't believe what I'm reading here . This thread has deviated from the original source of the problem and almost become a witch-hunt for the op. In fact it's almost like cyber bullying. Mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive community that we come to for help anonymously when we feel down and distressed and need to talk because we can't talk to our nearest and dearest but more and more is turning into an adult form of making people feel like shit for asking for help in the first place 😒..... Food for thought . We are supposed to help each other not come from a place of moral high ground . Just saying . This thread reminded me of when a teenager gets bullied online and the consequences of that can be catastrophic. Let's remember we should help the op not slam her for being vulnerable. I'm sure she's not a monster step mom and by the sounds of it has been put through the ringer by this "family". Some ex's are extremely vindictive and sadly they poison their kids against their stepmom or stepdad . I feel the op is genuine and has been abused in this situation and rightly expects some back up from her husband. That's the least she deserves. She matters too . This is HER life too . Goodnight and godbless America . It's like Jeremy Kyle on here lately .....

Oh come off it. Bullying??

OP asked for differing opinions, she asked if she was in the wrong and she clearly is. She isn't wrong to feel how she feels. She is wrong to put herself before her partners kids, i.e. her birthday should come before him supporting his kids. And the fact that she admits herself she has B&W thought patterns couple with a lack of self-awareness is why she is being told as much, politely by the majority of people on here. People have engaged with her, she has refused to listen. I don't know what else anyone can suggest 🤷‍♀️

You and OP may not like the opinions given, but don't twist them into something they are not. Dramatic, much?

@Woahisme the problem is that what you mean by “she won’t listen” is “she won’t do what we say and change her mind”.

So the romances have become more and more irate and harsh.