Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[quote CaD14]@Strugglingtodomybest - sorry why does that sound controlling? Genuine question. To me not doing something that makes your spouse uncomfortable is logical?[/quote]
He's a grown adult and can make his own decisions independent of you and your feelings.

These are his CHILDREN. In the nicest way, your feelings don't come into it. It's not about you.

@Bourbonbiccy - I didn’t leave the previous relationship because of the child. Whilst I don’t want children, because I’d had a long term relationship that involved a child, I thought I could do it again.

[quote CaD14]@Strugglingtodomybest - sorry why does that sound controlling? Genuine question. To me not doing something that makes your spouse uncomfortable is logical?[/quote]
Telling your partner who he or she should see or not see is normally listed as a sign of coercive control.

OP you're going to have to get over the fact that you're with a man with children, who had a life before you came along, and his responsibilities don't vaporise just because he's in another relationship.

How many more times do you need to hear it.

OP zooming out the real issue seems to be your husband's contact with his ex's family generally. Your perspective is that they're toxic people who've done him an immense wrong and he'd be happier completely cutting ties.

That's a clear-sighted outsider's perspective and I think in your position I'd agree.

But we can't force people to deal with their relationships in the way we think is best, even if we're right. I've had a couple of friends go through abusive relationships, I suspect many here have, and unfortunately it's impossible to MAKE them leave - until they realise they have to. It's heartbreaking supporting them as they slowly come to this decision but it's all you can do as a loved one.

I’ve thought this too, on and off during the relationship. But when it comes to other things such as financial decisions/life decisions/politics etc we are very much aligned.
Have you ever been in any critical situations like this before? Many couples get along fine until a major event occurs, and it turns out that their relationship has simply never really been put to the test before. For many couples, that happens when they have children and it changes their lives, but obviously your relationship wasn't put to that test. Maybe this is the test?

@ravenmum - yes definitely would class that as control. I didn’t tell him not to see her/them we discussed it, I said it made me uncomfortable after everything and he agreed it was best for us that he wouldn’t. Obv he would still see the kids but he would pick up/drop off rather than go in.

Genuine question. To me not doing something that makes your spouse uncomfortable is logical?

Because context is everything. What about when you are the one making him uncomfortable?

It makes your partner uncomfortable that you're giving him such a hard time about the way he phrased telling you about going to the funeral to be there to support his kids. It's made him very uncomfortable. So by your logic, any other than letting it go would be... illogical surely?

It works both ways.

Sorry but I think YABVU

You’re accusing him of dictating to you and think he should have “discussed” going to the funeral with you. But it sounds like he did? He asked you if it was fine and you said no it wasn’t, and then the discussion became a “huge argument”. You’re just upset that you didn’t get your way. And your way is unreasonable. The funeral is of his DCs grandfather and his former FIL- he is still family to them and to him. You sound irrationally jealous and controlling.

And yes, unfortunately the funeral was the same day as your birthday, but you can’t blame him for that. He’s not the one who picked the date. And you get a birthday every year, there will only be one funeral for his relative. It’s right that he should go and pay his respects and then come back to you in afternoon for your birthday. I hope you ate not expecting him to be in a happy and cheerful mood that afternoon. He has to be grieving and that doesn’t go away because you’re having a birthday.

You sound very self-centered almost how dare there be a funeral on my birthday. What about my birthday? You seem to have zero sympathy for your DHs loss and what he must be feeling.

[quote CaD14]@Bourbonbiccy - I didn’t leave the previous relationship because of the child. Whilst I don’t want children, because I’d had a long term relationship that involved a child, I thought I could do it again.[/quote]
You can't, you are not equipped to deal with a relationship with someone with children as you are proving how you have no comprehension of what that involves.

That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you both made a bad choice.

@ravenmum - yes I’d say there have been big things to overcome before. Things with my family, loss of jobs, financial and emotional/family problems and things have always been resolved and we’ve agreed on most things.

You might not understand, or get it, or feel happy but the least you can do is be on his side and not make things worse/harder

Whatever the relationship/problems there have been with the ex. the children's grandfather has died. Imo it is entirely right that he should be there to support them. You can celebrate your birthday the next day. If you 'win' and he doesn't go I cannot see you having much of a celebration. He will remember that you made an issue about your birthday at a time of his children's grandad's funeral. If he goes he will also be feeling sad when he gets home. The gracious [and right] thing to do imo is to be supportive of him going and celebrate your birthday the day after. In the early days of his ex's relationship he may well have had a good relationship with this man. You can't erase the past op, don't let it spoil the future by him having memories of you being awkward at this time

@CaD14 I don’t know if this helps but I’ll give you an example from my own life. My dad was abusive to the point where I went no contact with him for 15 years. I only agreed to see him again when I discovered he was terminally ill. On the night he was admitted to hospital I went to visit him, and one more time after that, and I went to his funeral.

My exH gave me a really hard time about it as he couldn’t understand why I’d want any involvement at all with someone who’d been so abusive. He didn’t understand that I needed to do it for me, to help me process all the other shit that had happened. On paper I should have wanted nothing more to do with the man but I knew what I needed out of the situation. It’s not like I was going to get another crack at it when I felt more prepared.

Ok so I know this isn’t your DH’s father, but it is his DC’s grandfather. The very nature of bereavement means all normal rules are suspended around how people “should” or “shouldn’t” process their emotions. In your particular case this specific incident is being clouded in the fog of your back story, but I do think you need to step back from this one and let your DH process this situation in whatever way he sees for. His general dismissal of your feelings is a conversation for another day.

Oh, and happy birthday

You say you've agreed on most things, but you also say I always feel like I have to back down/am being told my feelings on a situation aren’t important.

Can you see how mentioning your birthday in your post does sound rather petty all things considered?

@ravenmum

You say you've agreed on most things, but you also say I always feel like I have to back down/am being told my feelings on a situation aren’t important.

This. It feels like you want people to say he's been a dick by mentioning that you feel you always have to back down etc... then when people suggest maybe you're not a good fit you say how great a relationship it is in general...

@ravenmum - sorry no I mean in general things are fine but when I raise an objection to a bigger issue (his kids or not) it’s that my opinion isn’t welcome. Sorry I wasn’t clear.

@ravenmum and more so recently. When issues have popped up previously it’s been fine but not so much now.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Can you see how mentioning your birthday in your post does sound rather petty all things considered?

Not really no? May not be relevant to the funeral but is relevant for me.

Not really no? May not be relevant to the funeral but is relevant for me.

When there are children involved, you have to realise it's not all about you. Celebrate your birthday another day. Their loss is so, so much more important than a birthday.

I think you also need to remember that because of Covid, your children will not be able to sit with extended family who can make sure they are OK. Obviously they can sit with their mum but she will be upset herself or maybe comforting her mum.

He needs to go and you need to support and encourage him to go. It's the right thing!

It might be best to make your peace with it OP because this is a scenario that will likely reoccur. Your DH's kids could (and hopefully will be) in their 50s or older when their Mum passes away.

If he's as supportive and devoted a Dad as he sounds and he's still around himself he'll probably want to be there at the funeral for them. If they pass the other way around, their Mum may well want to be at your DH's funeral, even though the kids will be grown adults.

There'll also be graduations, special birthdays, weddings, grandkids, other family funerals and so on that demand your DH have some contact with the other half of his DC's family, and some of these you'll be expected to join too. It won't end just because you don't like it.

OP, you need to get over yourself and stop making this all about you.

Your DH is doing the right thing for his kids. He will always do that and you will be second in line. That is what parenting is. Accept it or find a childless man to be with.

You don't like or want kids, you cut the last stepchild out of your life (I would say poor kid but they are probably better off), I bet you don't really like your current step kids and you resent their place (and priority) in your DHs life.

You are being selfish and controlling, wanting him not to go to the funeral.

All this crap about 'discussion' is really about you wanting the chance to persuade him not to go, and him agreeing to do what you want.

He knew you'd react like this. So he told you his decision and closed the opportunity for debate. I don't blame him.

Let him be a good dad and stop trying to control and manipulate him into putting you first. It will and should never happen.

Your title says you feel your husband doesn't respect you, but do you respect him? You repeatedly say he didn't respect your feelings on the matter, but you don't sound like you respect his decision. I can understand the family were very unpleasant and you'd prefer him to have nothing to do with them, but he is tied to them through his kids and believes he is right (and maybe wants) to attend the funeral. There's no discussion to be had. You had a row because you were annoyed but that doesn't make him in the wrong over this.

Maybe there is a history of incidents like this where his decision is less clearly the "tight" one. And you may be right about what you say his attitude towards you is, but this event does not illustrate that.

I find your hard and fast attitude about cutting people out very uncomfortable. It's not something I would do. No one is perfect- you don't understand what pressures might have been on his kids to make false allegations.

In situations where someone has done something questionable, where one may be unsure what to do, my response would be to take the moral high ground and be the better person. Sounds like that's what your DH is doing, but not something you would understand because your strategy would be to simply move on regardless.