Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[ilovepixie]

My OH went to his ex's fathers funeral. In fact I went too to support my step children, he's still friendly with his ex's family and they have made me welcome at weddings and so on involving the children. I think it's nice we can all get on for the sake of the kids.

[Mittens030869]

The OP's issue here is with the fact that she can't understandably why anyone would stay in touch with an ex's family (apart from the DC). Because her way is to cut them out of her life once once a relationship is over. She can't understand why he would view things differently.

Obviously, it's different when there are DC involved. My DSis has always got on well with her DH's ex, the three of them have cooperated with each other very well for the sake of her DSS. She gets on well with his ex MIL too, as does my DM (as long as the subject isn't Brexit ).

The OP pays lip service to understanding why it's different when there are children involved but still gives him a hard time about it. As he isn't pushing her to come along, too, this really doesn't have to be a problem at all. And it's a funeral, which is a very rare one-off event; it isn't as if he's deserting her every weekend to hang out with them.

[OhCaptain]

@ilovepixie

My OH went to his ex's fathers funeral. In fact I went too to support my step children, he's still friendly with his ex's family and they have made me welcome at weddings and so on involving the children. I think it's nice we can all get on for the sake of the kids.

Well that's great but not helpful because it's the complete opposite to OP's situation.

[Mittens030869]

I think she didn't help her cause by complaining about him seemingly forgetting that her birthday was on the same date (he probably hadn't, it was just not in the forefront of his mind right then). AIBU is always full of posters who love to poke fun at adults who care about being made a fuss of on their birthdays.

[Mittens030869]

Apologies, I've remembered that this is the Relationships board, not AIBU. However, I do think there has been a lot of helpful advice for the OP and most of it was well meant.

[sickofit39]

@Woahisme
Agreed . I hope she has a good day too . Happy birthday op . There's more important things in the world than proving points . I'm sorry for getting so defensive.
Hope you had a good Sunday. Really this time 🤗

[calamitykay]

I may get a bit of slack here but as a "non-parent" step parent myself I can sympathise with the OP.
Whilst I haven't had to deal with a funeral I have had the chat of "I'm doing this, is this fine" scenario a few times- and it hurts. It comes across as though it isn't a discussion, but a warning...and it's presented as a question when really it isn't. So in the end you don't feel like an equal that is entitled to put across your own view because the decision was already made.

As for the funeral I honestly don't know how I'd react. Probably the same though. After hearing for years about all the issues his ex has caused it would feel like a slap in the face to then be told he was going to her Dads funeral and disregarding my birthday.

Having said that, this would be my cue to disengage. I think my personal response would be to tell him how unhappy and disrespected I felt...but...if he wants to go then fine. However do not ever use me as a moaning board for any future issues that may come up. Do not ever speak to me about that side of the family (kids being the obvious exception as really they are innocent in all this) and definitely do not moan if I make alternative birthday plans that do not include him. If I'm free for the afternoon then great but if not, tough.
Then I'd call my girlfriends and do just that!

[daisyjgrey]

Er, they have their mother for support and they're not tiny children. He'll also be right at the back and not sat with them anyway. He's also arguably taking up a space for a family member who actually wants to be there.

[sickofit39]

@daisyjgrey

Er, they have their mother for support and they're not tiny children. He'll also be right at the back and not sat with them anyway. He's also arguably taking up a space for a family member who actually wants to be there.

Absolutely I agree

[sickofit39]

@calamitykay

I may get a bit of slack here but as a "non-parent" step parent myself I can sympathise with the OP.
Whilst I haven't had to deal with a funeral I have had the chat of "I'm doing this, is this fine" scenario a few times- and it hurts. It comes across as though it isn't a discussion, but a warning...and it's presented as a question when really it isn't. So in the end you don't feel like an equal that is entitled to put across your own view because the decision was already made.

As for the funeral I honestly don't know how I'd react. Probably the same though. After hearing for years about all the issues his ex has caused it would feel like a slap in the face to then be told he was going to her Dads funeral and disregarding my birthday.

Having said that, this would be my cue to disengage. I think my personal response would be to tell him how unhappy and disrespected I felt...but...if he wants to go then fine. However do not ever use me as a moaning board for any future issues that may come up. Do not ever speak to me about that side of the family (kids being the obvious exception as really they are innocent in all this) and definitely do not moan if I make alternative birthday plans that do not include him. If I'm free for the afternoon then great but if not, tough.
Then I'd call my girlfriends and do just that!

Yes

[SpiderGwen]

I don’t understand why you’re so intransigent. He told you he was going. You had a “massive” argument that night, he tried to talk to you the next day and you couldn’t bear to speak to him, and we have 11 pages of you doubling down in it. Why are you making yourself unhappy over this?

You do not come first for him. And that’s a good thing - for any decent parent, the children come first. It’s as true at 16 as at 6. That’s particularly true at times of crisis like a bereavement. It is his JOB to be there for his teens while they are grieving.

He doesn’t need to ask you. He’s not trying to get you to come too, he’s telling you about something he is doing in the future. That’s not controlling or dictating how you are allowed to feel, or anything else you’ve accused him of.

He is doing the right thing for his children. You don’t have to like it, but you absolutely need to support it. If you can’t, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children because these issues will come up again and again.

The whole thing will be over within an hour and you can celebrate your birthday in whatever way the pandemic permits.

[BeforeThisThenWhat]

There was no need for him to discuss it with you as he would have known exactly what you think. I think I would have done the same as him in this situation.

[gutful]

Am shocked that anybody can think it’s ok to tell someone to not attend another person’s FUNERAL

People can feel compelled to go to a person’s funeral for support/to pay their respects/get closure/whatever reason then that is OK. Nobody should have to justify & argue their right to attend a funeral. People who have been estranged still attend funerals to make their peace. You have not an ounce of sympathy for your partner, it’s all “me me me”.

It’s not like this side of the family invited him to attend Grandfather’s 90s birthday bash or something - the OP would have more of a leg to stand on.

As it currently stands, the OP’s Insensitivity to a death is appalling & if her partner was my friend I would be hoping they were able to escape this controlling relationship.

I actually think you may be not mentally well (ie have a personality disorder) to not understand that you are wrong.

I don’t agree with autism either - I’m pretty sure you could explain to an autistic person that funerals are serious things. Someone has freaking died here. That’s not autistic to not understand that - that’s a personality problem right there.

Oh and I’m childfree so have zero sympathy at a grown ass woman who knowingly becoming involved with a parent then cracks the sass because grandad’s funeral falls on her birthday.

Get a grip love - most other people would drop you like a hot potato for preventing them attending a funeral because that’s straight up controlling behaviour.

[gutful]

Cracks the sads* - though I bet OP was sassy when trying to put her foot down about that funeral though!

Am so glad he didn’t listen to OP and told her stthat he was going. How awful that it had to be an argument & negotiation though. Such an awful memory to have - that your partner tried to prevent you attending a funeral...

Op does not own him & if She keeps acting so selfishly it’s likely she won’t be living with him either.

[londonscalling]

And realistically, regardless of supporting his kids, he may just want to go anyway to pay his respects.

His ex's father may have been a big part of his life for a long time.

A friend went to his ex's sister's funeral. What's wrong with that?

I'd sooner be with someone who cared about people than someone who didn't want to go to a funeral!

[Dery]

See this is one of the things I’m struggling with a bit. OP said she doesn’t want children and doesn’t like children and another poster has described herself as a “a "non-parent" step parent”.

But that seems to me to be focusing on the ‘step’ part and ignoring the ‘parent’ part. A step-parent has step-children. Surely if you don’t want to be involved with children, you shouldn’t marry someone who has them.

[calamitykay]

@Dery

See this is one of the things I’m struggling with a bit. OP said she doesn’t want children and doesn’t like children and another poster has described herself as a “a "non-parent" step parent”.

But that seems to me to be focusing on the ‘step’ part and ignoring the ‘parent’ part. A step-parent has step-children. Surely if you don’t want to be involved with children, you shouldn’t marry someone who has them.

Not at all - at least from my perspective. I can't speak for others, granted. It's just how I identify myself to others situationally.
I don't have bio children but I am involved with someone with children.

I've always said with children of my own if it happens, it happens. If not it's just how my life turned out. That doesn't make any reference as to how I feel about others children or children in general.

[Dery]

Thanks, @calamitykay. Probably I was reading too much into what OP said.