Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[CaD14]

@ravenmum - 9 years and married 4.

@DuzzyFuck - you’re probably right!

@youvegottenminuteslynn - well saying ‘this is what I want to do, I know you won’t be happy but it’s for the kids not the ex or family, I want to support them.’ Would have been better than ‘I’m going to the funeral to be with them all, I’ve told her I’ll do X and Y, is that fine? (Sarcastically) and wondering why I said ‘no not really’.

[BillMasen]

OP he doesn’t need your permission

You were out of order

Own it and apologise

[BillMasen]

@SnowflakeCulture

Your birthday is more important than his ex's dead dad.
He still has feelings for the ex.

Fuck right off. This is utter bollocks

[vanillandhoney]

well saying ‘this is what I want to do, I know you won’t be happy but it’s for the kids not the ex or family, I want to support them.’ Would have been better than ‘I’m going to the funeral to be with them all, I’ve told her I’ll do X and Y, is that fine? (Sarcastically) and wondering why I said ‘no not really’.

I genuinely don't understand the difference

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

well saying ‘this is what I want to do, I know you won’t be happy but it’s for the kids not the ex or family, I want to support them.’ Would have been better than ‘I’m going to the funeral to be with them all, I’ve told her I’ll do X and Y, is that fine? (Sarcastically) and wondering why I said ‘no not really’.

Right so explain that to him then let this one go. If it happens again and you're not happy with it (though it's still hard to tell why you're so angry about this particular instance) you need to make some hard choices.

Also can you not see that expecting his ex to be 'the parent' to her children on a day she will be pretty much on her knees grieving doesn't make sense? Her dads funeral is a day she is the child grieving her parent. An adult child but still his child. Your partner wants to be there (even though her family are mostly horrible to him) so his children feel safe and as calm as possible - I think that's a pretty nice personality trait personally.

[lunar1]

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where my husband and I would have this conversation either way round.

His attitude over it is probably because you are so uncompromising/controlling.

Why should he stand their and justify himself to you, knowing full well that you are disapproving and won't flinch on the issue. He probably doesn't want to go, he's doing it for his children.

In this situation I can't imagine being anything but supportive to my husband. Marriage should make the tough things in life easier to cope with, your marriage is the opposite, he's going through a rough time and you are making it worse for him.

[harknesswitch]

I'm not sire why he thinks being there will be a positive. The dc mum will be there to support them.

My mum recently died and I'd not have appreciated my ex being there. I'm perfectly capable of looking after the dc. The same would be said if my ex mum died, I'd not dream of going to the funeral.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

@CaD14 It’s clear to me this is a variant of the “she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink” scenario - everyone is focussing on the “dishes” i.e. the funeral which in idolisation, would be 100% unreasonable for you to feel the way you do. But it’s blindingly obvious you’ve been ground down for a very long time by the toxic dynamics your DH and his ex and family have brought to your relationship and it’s skewed your perspective so you’re choosing an inappropriate time to make your point.

A funeral is obviously an emotive subject so I’m not surprised you’re receiving the responses you’re getting but try not to take them to heart. Let the dust settle then have a think about the bigger picture of your relationship and whether it can meet your needs.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

When I said "if it happens again" I'm not even sure what 'it' is, because I genuinely can barely see the difference between the two examples you gave. But all you can do is explain how you feel to him. You can't dictate or veto what is a parenting decision if you aren't one of the parents. You can give an opinion but you don't get the final say. You can vote with your feet and leave though if it's not for you.

[AhNowTed]

I've known my MIL for 40 years.

If we divorced of course I'd go to her funeral.

Some of these posts are so ridiculous.

[ravenmum]

Have things changed over those 9 years or is it more that things have stayed the same, and you have just found it increasingly hard to deal with?

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be.

This sounds controlling to me.

Whatever the back story OP, on this occasion you should have just said, fine. It's a funeral. And I cannot believe you mentioned it was your birthday, it's such an immature, obvious attempt at emotional manipulation on your part.

If I were you, I would sit down with him, open the conversation with a genuine apology and then discuss your communication problems with him now, otherwise you're going to end up divorcing imo.

[CaD14]

@MyCatHatesEverybody - thank you. This is it. And yes of course a funeral is emotive but it really feels like the icing on the cake for me. Just something else I’m supposed to ‘get’ and feel a certain way about. Sorry but no, I don’t get it and can’t help how I feel about it.

[Tigertigertigertiger]

I think you are totally in the wrong. Sorry , I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

That's his kids' grandfather. You have no jurisdiction over that .

[Tigertigertigertiger]

And there is no point I. Discussing it with you because he knows you won't like it so what's the point ?

And the birthday reference is just silly.

[CaD14]

@ravenmum - things were very different at the start. I think the ex thought I’d be ‘another girlfriend who goes away’ and eventually they’d end up together. The kids used to stay at our house and we’d do things together. As we got more serious the ex got worse as did the kids behaviour. Things have spiralled and instead of being me and H together we are often at loggerheads. I understand he can’t be objective but he doesn’t seem to get that I can be? I don’t have the unconditional love that he does. For me, it’s another scenario of someone’s done you wrong move on. But again I do understand that isn’t how it works with kids.

[CaD14]

@Strugglingtodomybest - sorry why does that sound controlling? Genuine question. To me not doing something that makes your spouse uncomfortable is logical?

[AppleKatie]

But again I do understand that isn’t how it works with kids

Do you really? Because that’s the crux. It doesn’t matter what the ex/her family do- literally anything up to and including criminal behaviour and it would STILL be the right thing for your DH to do right by the children and that would include attending funerals etc....

[2bazookas]

Respect is a two-way thing.
Despite the problems with his exand her family, he's going to put that aside so that he can support his children at their grandfathers funeral.This may be the first funeral they've attended; at 16 and 13 they are just kids. Of course he needs to be there.

Show some respect for the childrens loss and their feelings, and respect DH for being there with them.

[ravenmum]

And yes of course a funeral is emotive but it really feels like the icing on the cake for me. Just something else I’m supposed to ‘get’ and feel a certain way about. Sorry but no, I don’t get it and can’t help how I feel about it.
It just sounds like the two of you see things totally differently - that he doesn't get how you think any more than you get his view. Perhaps it worked at the start because it was you two together against the ex - and that covered up the fact that actually you don't really see things the same way at all?

[AhNowTed]

No it's not logical and making him choose between you and his children's emotional well-being will push him away.

If you were my partner that would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Bourbonbiccy]

but I don’t want children nor do I particularly like them, so I find it hard to cut them some slack.

You chose the wrong man then and made a massive mistake, as did he.
If you have already walked away from one relationship with someone with a child, why would you jump into another with someone with children, you sound so utterly selfish.

[alexis4theppl]

I think each family set up is different. because of the issues you have had with his ex and family I see why you cannot understand his decision.
I think it also depends on the relationship he had whilst with the ex..he may have got on well with the man that has passed? Ultimately he is going for his kids and you need to support that as that is the right thing to do.
When my Paternal granny died my mum and Nan came to funeral. My mum and dad have a friendly relationship now and they wanted to come as a sign of respect to my granny and the rest of family. my parents split a long time ago and they went through lots of crap years before they divorced and even after, but they did share a life together for many years and have kids and a lot of it was happy.. X

[Bourbonbiccy]

I don’t know how the conversation would have gone, as we never got the chance to have it, but I do know I would have reacted more rationally if he had approached it differently.

How should he have worded it then to be allowed to go without getting in trouble ?

[CaD14]

@AppleKatie - in theory yes, I know that’s how it is. But probably on reality, no.

@ravenmum - I’ve thought this too, on and off during the relationship. But when it comes to other things such as financial decisions/life decisions/politics etc we are very much aligned.