Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[gannett]

[quote CaD14]**@mineofuselessinformation* @MysweetAudrina*
Thanks, it’s useful to hear other people’s experiences. Me personally, I’m the other way in that a relationship ends, I cut them out my life including family. My ex who I was with for 5+ years, who I was SM to his son, I’ve never spoken to since the day I left. That’s how I cope with things. So it’s alien to me when people behave differently.

I understand it’s different when kids are involved, but also I think you don’t really understand unless you have them.[/quote]
This is a really rigid and hardline approach to people who have wronged you.

You're free to decide your own personal approach but you can't be surprised or annoyed if other people are happier to compromise. Your way works for you but if your husband wants to keep some sort of peace for the sake of his children that's reasonable too.

I also don't see what there is to discuss about him going to the funeral either. I don't "discuss" where I intend to go with DP unless it affects him.

[CaD14]

@samanthawashington - I think the point in discussing it is to show that he knows I don’t get it, but is still doing it anyway?

I think all it takes is him to say ‘the funeral is on X I want to go to support the kids, I know you won’t like that the ex and family date there but I want to support them.’ Rather than basically saying, I’m doing this, deal with it.

The outcome would obviously still be the same but I think it would have avoided the row between us.

[Pinkdelight3]

I don't know if that would avoid the row. You're very hardline, I can see why he hasn't discussed it as you think his opinion is wrong so how could it not cause trouble?

I think all it takes is him to say ‘the funeral is on X I want to go to support the kids, I know you won’t like that the ex and family date there but I want to support them.’

And you'd say: "Very well, thank you for acknowledging that I don't like this but I accept that you're going to do it even if I disagree?

That's just not how these things go. He made his own decision to go and told you about it as a fait accompli because as you say, it's the same outcome anyway. I think the birthday angle feels like a guilt trip unfortunately. Surely he doesn't have to be there all day on your birthday, especially as you must be together all the time at the moment anyway.

It sounds like there's wider issues, but your stance on cutting off exes isn't a fair comparison with his DC in the mix and you need to leave him to it. Making him run things by you when he knows you'll disagree even if it's just to get some kind of rubberstamp doesn't sound like the solution here.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Why isn’t their mother capable of supporting the children at her father’s funeral?

When my DH’s ex’s dad dies his ex will support their children. The man is a nasty bully and it’s the ex’s decision to maintain a relationship between him and the DC, despite how awful he is to everyone. DH wouldn’t go to the funeral if you paid him. He wouldn’t want to pay any respect to someone who was horrible to him for years, during and after that marriage.

OP, this is a stark reminder of where you feel you sit in his priorities, obviously not the first. It’s not about the funeral, or your birthday, it’s about how he speaks to and thinks of you.

Of course he should maintain a relationship with his children but if he doesn’t give a shit what you think why stay with someone who makes you so unhappy? You don’t have to.

[CaD14]

@AnneLovesGilbert - you’re right. That’s exactly how I feel. I understand he wants to support the kids but this is her family so in my opinion falls to her to be ‘the parent’.

As I’ve said I’m not a parent, so appreciate this is a very black and white way of looking at things, but as most of my comments probably show that’s exactly how I see things throughout life.

[peboh]

[quote CaD14]@AnneLovesGilbert - you’re right. That’s exactly how I feel. I understand he wants to support the kids but this is her family so in my opinion falls to her to be ‘the parent’.

As I’ve said I’m not a parent, so appreciate this is a very black and white way of looking at things, but as most of my comments probably show that’s exactly how I see things throughout life.[/quote]
They're both parents. It never falls on just one to be a parent. Never. The mum will be understandably heartbroken, it's her dads funeral. It will help the children to have a parent who can be a bit stronger on the day as a support system.

[Bluntness100]

I think the fact you think he should cut all contact with his own children is horrific and says everything about you. No wonder he doesn’t discuss it with uou.

Your behaviour is controlling and not acceptable.

[dressedupinyou]

I don't really know what you want here? You feel the way you do but your partner doesn't agree. I can understand that it would worry you or piss you off given the way the ex's family have behaved but it's not your decision.

I think you're right that he should have talked to you but it seems pretty clear he knew what the answer would be.

If this is part of a wider issue then you need to be clear about that. How did he deal with the malicious accusations etc? Does he generally discuss things with you and have your back when needed.

[cherrypie111]

Why would he need to ask you to go to a funeral? I don't understand why you think that's acceptable in a relationship. It's a bloody funeral, he is going to support his children.

You are seriously in the wrong here

[dressedupinyou]

@Bluntness100

I think the fact you think he should cut all contact with his own children is horrific and says everything about you. No wonder he doesn’t discuss it with uou.

Your behaviour is controlling and not acceptable.

She was talking about the ex and family not the kids. This has already been clarified.

[unicornsarereal72]

I think it is communication that has caused the issues here. I have a relationship with my ex in laws. They are good and kind people and I was family for 14 years. I will attend their fu wraps whe the time comes. But would not expect to be up front with the family. I will pay my respects.

As for my family. Ex would not be welcome. He has treated me and the children very badly. And I have written in my will he isn't welcome to my funeral. My family will support my children.

[dressedupinyou]

[quote CaD14]@AnneLovesGilbert - you’re right. That’s exactly how I feel. I understand he wants to support the kids but this is her family so in my opinion falls to her to be ‘the parent’.

As I’ve said I’m not a parent, so appreciate this is a very black and white way of looking at things, but as most of my comments probably show that’s exactly how I see things throughout life.[/quote]
She'll be grieving and upset. Maybe she wants someone else to be looking out for the kids in case they find it distressing?

[Pinkdelight3]

She'll be grieving and upset. Maybe she wants someone else to be looking out for the kids in case they find it distressing

Absolutely this. And if there was any chance my DC would be upset (which is a good chance at their GF's funeral), I'd want to be there for them even if their other parent was around. It's good that he cares for his kids enough to be there for them. These things can't be compartmentalised neatly to suit newer relationship arrangements.

[IMissFrance]

His kids come before you. Thats how it should be.

I don't think he needs to check with you if the children are involved.

[IMissFrance]

@Pinkdelight3

She'll be grieving and upset. Maybe she wants someone else to be looking out for the kids in case they find it distressing

Absolutely this. And if there was any chance my DC would be upset (which is a good chance at their GF's funeral), I'd want to be there for them even if their other parent was around. It's good that he cares for his kids enough to be there for them. These things can't be compartmentalised neatly to suit newer relationship arrangements.

Yup. This. Absolutely.

My dad is terminally ill and I have been thinking about his funeral.

I know I'll need to be supporting my mum, and my DH will need to be supporting me.

I'm grateful already for the other family members that will come who love my DC and will be able to make the day easier for them. I have fond memories of my aunt looking after me at my grandads funeral as I wasn't really able to stay with my parents the whole time.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

She won’t be on her own, his other family will be there as well and there’s obviously a horrible back story around her relatives being unpleasant to OP’s husband. I think it’s odd he wants to be there.

OP, I’m a step mum and a mum. I don’t think you’re wrong.

[peboh]

@IMissFrance

His kids come before you. Thats how it should be.

I don't think he needs to check with you if the children are involved.

Exactly this! When it comes to his children, a discussion isn't needed. He told op his intentions, she's not okay with that but has to respect his decision regarding his children.

[Cherrysoup]

I think all it takes is him to say ‘the funeral is on X I want to go to support the kids, I know you won’t like that the ex and family date there but I want to support them.’ Rather than basically saying, I’m doing this, deal with it.

So it’s a communication issue? You don’t like him not asking permission? That’s the impression I get. Yes, the ex’s family has clearly done some horrible things, but your DP is supporting his dc, plus it’s his ex fil’s funeral so pretty normal for him to go.

[londonscalling]

My friend took her son to his grandfathers funeral. Her ex, who had been abusive, was there, but she wanted to support her son and pay her respects to her former FIL.

You've asked everybody's opinion but don't appear to like the answers you're getting. Why ask in the first place then?

You need to grow up!

[londonscalling]

Thanks

[CaD14]

@londonscalling - I don’t dislike any answers, am grateful for all view points. As a non parent it’s very easy to say ‘I don’t understand’ hence why asking on this site?

To clear up any confusion, I’ve never said cut all ties with kids, the wider family. I thought comments further up explained that.

And it’s absolutely not about asking permission it’s about having a conversation with your spouse, about a situation that you both know is unpleasant. We are supposed to be equals in the marriage and him practically saying ‘this is happening, deal with it’ is the same as if I’d said ‘you’re not going, deal with it.’ I genuinely can’t think of a time where I’ve ever told him somethings happening and he has to suck it up, if I’ve been planning to do something he possibly wouldn’t be happy about, I’ve had the decency to mention it to him first.

[samanthawashington]

You are very hardline OP. Very black and white. If I don’t get on with someone, I cut them out of my life.

Perhaps your H won’t discuss things with you because he knows he will hit a brick wall and there will be a row. Maybe experience has taught him this?

You need to be more empathetic and see it from his side. I am sure if you were this type of person he would have discussed this with you beforehand. It appears he knows he’s not going to be heard.

You’re not really listening here either, are you?

[samanthawashington]

And maybe you don’t have to say to DH, I’m doing something, deal with it, because he understands what you want to do and doesn’t object or disagree?

[Cheesypea]

Ok I'm glad your not competitive with the ex. You still need to disengage with this. It's his issue.

[CaD14]

@samanthawashington - just because I don’t necessarily agree doesn’t mean I’m not listening. That’s exactly why I’m asking for other viewpoints, as I’m aware I’m very hardline things are black and white to me, but I don’t see it as a character flaw. It’s served me well so far in that you never get taken for a mug by people.

There have been many times where I’ve said I want to do X with Y and my husband has had an opinion about it and sometimes been pissed off. I think this is the same situation.