Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[Bartlet]

People are piling on because the scenario covers the old faithful mumsnet truisms. Second wives are always wrong and that first wives/ children must always always be prioritised over everyone else’s feelings (even if they’re wrong, unreasonable, etc).

In this case I do think that him attending the funeral was the right thing to do but people on here love to throw abuse at the second wife.

The OP has been remarkably restrained in light of the non-stop insults.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

@sickofit39

Give over. What a load of tripe. Are you the OP?

Goodnight and godbless America Hahaha haha!!

[prawncocktailpringles]

I am not a first or second wife. I just think that anyone should be able to pay respects to whoever they like and it isn't really anyone else's business.

[Woahisme]

@Bartlet

People are piling on because the scenario covers the old faithful mumsnet truisms. Second wives are always wrong and that first wives/ children must always always be prioritised over everyone else’s feelings (even if they’re wrong, unreasonable, etc).

In this case I do think that him attending the funeral was the right thing to do but people on here love to throw abuse at the second wife.

The OP has been remarkably restrained in light of the non-stop insults.

Yet more bullshit that I don't 'subscribe' to. Maybe its because in this case its blindingly obvious the kids need their parents support. That's the striking thing here. I can't think of many people who base their lives off an internet forum 😂

[Onthedunes]

And I think if you wish to prioritise your feelings over the feelings of children, who by the way have not had the luxury of living with your husband being a full time parent with them, speaks volumes about your empathy towards children of divorced parents.

It's not about hating 2nd wives or 1st wives being nightmares, its about his children, for Gods sake , if they want him there and you disallow it,
how does that that make you look?

The disrespect of him not listening to you is because you are unreasonable and unable to compromise about anything to do with his ex partners's life.
Be more understanding for his children's sake, you will feel better for it.

[londonscalling]

@Bartlet

People are piling on because the scenario covers the old faithful mumsnet truisms. Second wives are always wrong and that first wives/ children must always always be prioritised over everyone else’s feelings (even if they’re wrong, unreasonable, etc).

In this case I do think that him attending the funeral was the right thing to do but people on here love to throw abuse at the second wife.

The OP has been remarkably restrained in light of the non-stop insults.

I don't think it's because she a second wife at all. I think people are piling on because OP asked everyone's opinion but doesn't appear to want to take them on board.

[sickofit39]

Whoaisme

Get a life . If she doesn't do as she's told she's out of the mumsnet brigade is it . Your comments screech of nasty ...

[sickofit39]

Woahisme

Oh dear I spelt your name wrong in my last post 😩 now I'll probably get bashed for spellings and grammar 🙄🙄

[sickofit39]

[quote BendyLikeBeckham]@sickofit39

Give over. What a load of tripe. Are you the OP?

Goodnight and godbless America Hahaha haha!![/quote]
Tripe you say ???
How does your bullying comments to me help this situation...
I bet you troll these threads to dole out abuse whenever you feel like it
Keyboard warrior ...🤣

[User88454]

@CaD14

This has probably already been said in some way and I only have time for a quick post on it, I am currently a carer for an elderly relative ( as well as working full time), life is stressful and busy and I often have to do things I just don't want but feel morally obligated to do. A couple of days I said to my husband about needing to buy some essential items, taking them to my relative, then spending time cleaning/ cooking etc to get things more organised. My husband said he didn't want me to do these things and a massive argument ensues. I felt controlled, I felt that my decision making ability was being challenged (and not for the first time). Ultimately I said this to my husband and to my relief he understood and agreed that he was trying to control me because my choices were causing him to feel frustrated.

This is what is happening with you I think, and my advice to you would be to spend some time considering what you want your relationship to be. As adults there are certain decisions we should be allowed to make regardless of what our OH says or wants. This is one of those times. You are holding the reins very tightly, and I actually understand why, but I think you would benefit from letting go a bit. It's not a good way to live.

[OwlLovesTea]

His children's granddad.

You cannot expect him to not go to that funeral.

[BottleFlipper]

[quote CaD14]@Sssloou - not at all, it doesn’t mean I have to agree.

@notacooldad - I don’t know how the conversation would have gone, as we never got the chance to have it, but I do know I would have reacted more rationally if he had approached it differently.[/quote]
That's quite doubtful given how "black and white" you see things...

[Woahisme]

Haha are you feeling ok @sickofit39?

Maybe if you are easily offended by different opinions you should give it a rest from MN? If you see anyone trolling feel free to report.

[sickofit39]

@Woahisme

Haha are you feeling ok *@sickofit39*?

Maybe if you are easily offended by different opinions you should give it a rest from MN? If you see anyone trolling feel free to report.

Have a good Sunday love 👌🏻

[Woahisme]

@sickofit39, I take sugar with my passive aggression thanks. Off you pop.

[BillMasen]

@Bartlet

People are piling on because the scenario covers the old faithful mumsnet truisms. Second wives are always wrong and that first wives/ children must always always be prioritised over everyone else’s feelings (even if they’re wrong, unreasonable, etc).

In this case I do think that him attending the funeral was the right thing to do but people on here love to throw abuse at the second wife.

The OP has been remarkably restrained in light of the non-stop insults.

There’s no pile on, no insults, just the vast majority saying she’s not acted fairly and should consider that.

It comes across like you have a chip on your shoulder about how 2nd wives are treated on here (fwiw I probably agree with you on that, but that’s not a driver on this thread)

[BillMasen]

@sickofit39

Hello all 😒
I can't believe what I'm reading here .
This thread has deviated from the original source of the problem and almost become a witch-hunt for the op.
In fact it's almost like cyber bullying. Mumsnet is supposed to be a supportive community that we come to for help anonymously when we feel down and distressed and need to talk because we can't talk to our nearest and dearest but more and more is turning into an adult form of making people feel like shit for asking for help in the first place 😒.....
Food for thought .
We are supposed to help each other not come from a place of moral high ground . Just saying . This thread reminded me of when a teenager gets bullied online and the consequences of that can be catastrophic. Let's remember we should help the op not slam her for being vulnerable. I'm sure she's not a monster step mom and by the sounds of it has been put through the ringer by this "family". Some ex's are extremely vindictive and sadly they poison their kids against their stepmom or stepdad . I feel the op is genuine and has been abused in this situation and rightly expects some back up from her husband. That's the least she deserves. She matters too . This is HER life too .
Goodnight and godbless America . It's like Jeremy Kyle on here lately .....

Helping can take the form of telling someone something they don’t want to hear. I’ve not seen a witch hunt.

She’s wrong. She’s been told. Sometimes bluntly sometimes constructively.

[vanillandhoney]

@Bartlet

People are piling on because the scenario covers the old faithful mumsnet truisms. Second wives are always wrong and that first wives/ children must always always be prioritised over everyone else’s feelings (even if they’re wrong, unreasonable, etc).

In this case I do think that him attending the funeral was the right thing to do but people on here love to throw abuse at the second wife.

The OP has been remarkably restrained in light of the non-stop insults.

Nobody is "piling on". People are just giving their opinions. OP is free to disagree (and she clearly does).

If someone told me I wasn't allowed to attend a funeral (or gave me grief over attending a funeral) I'd be having a long, hard look at my relationship with that person.

[sickofit39]

@Woahisme

"My "post" that mentioned the word trolling was not to you or directed at you so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ why you came back and attacked me again .
As I said enjoy your Sunday . More interested in getting the last word with me than helping op . I learned to stand up to bullies like you back in the school yard days so I won't be popping off anywhere or getting off mumsnet either .

[BillMasen]

[quote sickofit39]@Woahisme

"My "post" that mentioned the word trolling was not to you or directed at you so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ why you came back and attacked me again .
As I said enjoy your Sunday . More interested in getting the last word with me than helping op . I learned to stand up to bullies like you back in the school yard days so I won't be popping off anywhere or getting off mumsnet either . [/quote]
@Woahisme isn’t bullying you

You also seem unable to understand lots of people telling an OP she’s wrong is also not bullying, nasty, a pile on or any of those things.

[sickofit39]

@BillMasen
Thank you I see your point of view . I just feel that lately there's a lot of deviation off original posts on mn .
Anyway I guess emotions are high for everyone and of course everyone has a different opinion. That's the beauty of this place 🥴 taken down and duly noted though 🤗

[sickofit39]

@BillMasen
Telling me to take a break off mumsnet cause I don't agree with her opinion is bullying to me that's what @Woahisme said .

[Ellapaella]

As a step mum and a Mum to my own three children (my eldest has a different father to the youngest two and I have a stepdaughter) I honestly think OP that it's best to pick your battles with this one.
I'm sure that there are times when you find the whole situation extremely frustrating especially if the ex has been as troublesome as you say but this is about a funeral, a member of the children's family has passed away.
Your husband is right to attend - he can support his children at a time when their mother is likely to be very upset and emotional and I think it's good for him to be there too.
I would let this one go, that doesn't mean you roll over and let everything go but why create yet another divide between you all?

[ravenmum]

[quote CaD14]@Sssloou - it wasn’t unanimous, but the vast majority. What I was hoping to get from this was someone’s experience/viewpoint that struck a cord with me to question my position. I’m yet to see that. People repeatedly saying child come first hasn’t changed anything. I’m not that heartless that I don’t already know kids come first, but that doesn’t account for everything, so no I’m afraid in this instance whilst others may feel I am wrong, I haven’t changed my mind.[/quote]
You don't have to change your opinion, but can you do anything at all with the realisation that out of a decent-sized crowd of Internet users, no-one's experiences or viewpoints have struck a chord with you? Does that provide any useful information on what you could do to improve your relationship with your dh, or what your next steps might be?

[Woahisme]

[quote sickofit39]@Woahisme

"My "post" that mentioned the word trolling was not to you or directed at you so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ why you came back and attacked me again .
As I said enjoy your Sunday . More interested in getting the last word with me than helping op . I learned to stand up to bullies like you back in the school yard days so I won't be popping off anywhere or getting off mumsnet either . [/quote]
And like I already said, if you feel people are trolling whoever that statement was directed at, then feel free to report them. Hardly bullying to point out the obvious.

People have been helpful on this thread, I hope the op is having a good birthday after taking some of the suggestions onboard. It's honestly not worth arguing with her partner about.