Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

You are both being hardline.

You cut people off.

He refuses to cut people off.

He knows your hardline so he has come at this the same way you do but the opposite outcome. No wonder you clash over it.

"right" one

Yabu. It's his children's grandfather. He's being a good parent, and you shouldn't be trying to get in the way of that, or dictate what he can and can't do.

Not really no? May not be relevant to the funeral but is relevant for me.

Well no of course it's not relevant to the actual funeral because it's the funeral of someone else... my point was that it's a bit shocking you can't see that your birthday is not relevant to your issue with him going to the funeral.

He didn't choose the date. Your birthday celebrations can move to another date. You're an adult. Someone died. He's putting his kids first by being present because their other parent will be grieving their own parent.

I get that the backstory may be affecting your thought process on this but you're coming across as very entitled and selfish expecting your partner to be hugely concerned funeral is taking place on your birthday - you're an adult!

Black and white thinking is an emotional immaturity based on defensiveness and blame of others.

It is polarised views with zero empathy to walk in another’s shoes. It gets you into a destructive thought patterns and behaviours - which become more and more entrenched and polarised. Which we have seen here.

OP you need some grey. Otherwise you are going to keep finding yourself in high conflict and burning bridges through out your life - and you will be lonely.

What happened in your own childhood for you to feel so threatened?

@Sssloou - I’ve always been this way, as far as I can remember? And I’d say I had a pretty normal childhood. I genuinely have never been able to see a grey area. To me something is always right or wrong, good or bad. I personally don’t thing there is anything wrong with this, just as I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who can see the grey area, I just don’t get it.

I read through this post expecting to read in a later post that you have autism or another special need that made it hard for you to see things from other people's POV.

It sounds like they are not very nice people but this is a funeral so the usual grudges need to be buried and people need to act adult. Your h is doing the right thing going as support for his kids. Their mother may not be in a position to support them so it's perfectly proper that your h attends. Having to ask you before he goes it outrageous behaviour on your behalf. It's a funeral fgs.

I suspect that the funeral is not the real issue here. Either you don't understand why co-parents have to suck it up and try and get along because you're single and can cut exes off immediately or he has a history of not discussing trivial stuff and this is a straw that broke the camel's back situation. If it's the latter then remind yourself that it's a funeral so you can't treat this like the times in the pass or when he's let you down by springing stuff on you.

with your posts and also your latest one, I wonder too whether you are neurotypical. Not that that is an excuse for being a controlling twat, but it might explain your perspective on absolutes and emotional detachment

I realise there is a huge backstory here, but it’s his kids’ grandfather’s funeral, so of course he’d want to be there.

Again, I realise they may be very difficult people but it is totally unrealistic to expect interactions between your DP and his kids’ mother or her family to be limited to pick ups, when the younger child is relatively young. Ideally there would be a active, friendly extended family relationship as this is best fit the kids, although of course this can be impossible sometimes.

I am a stepparent and it can be a tricky situation, but I think you need to be more grown up about this OP. His kids are his priority, and it is immature of you not to understand this, and also immature to sulk the morning after an argument.

What I'm wondering is, are you ever able to admit to having been in the wrong? Because we all are sometimes, and the thing to do when you are is to own it and apologise, and then learn from it.

For a relationship to work, it really is important to be able to compromise as well, as there will always be disagreements and you can't have your way all the time. It's also part of being an adult.

@partyatthepalace - agreed, in an ideal world it would be a happy healthy interaction but it isn’t and doubt it ever will be.

@BendyLikeBeckham - no not neurotypical I just don’t see situations the same way as you/others But I’m not alone, there are a lot of black and white thinkers.

Have a read about black and white thinking.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)#:~:text=Splitting%20(also%20called%20black%2Dand,is%20a%20common%20defense%20mechanism.

@Mittens030869 - absolutely can and do apologise, have done many times throughout my life when I’ve been in the wrong. But I also believe there are many things you shouldn’t compromise on/apologise for as everyone has boundaries.

@Sssloou I’ve read in to it many times as I’ve always viewed things this way, and don’t honestly think it’s a failing or should be seen as a negative.

[quote CaD14]@Sssloou I’ve read in to it many times as I’ve always viewed things this way, and don’t honestly think it’s a failing or should be seen as a negative.[/quote]
Oh the irony....!

@CaD14

I find you mentioning your birthday childish and self centred. The entire family has not chosen that date to spite you, it is what it is and his children have lost their grandfather for gods sake!
By the age gap he was obviously in that mans life for many years and regardless of what happened later down the line the man had died.

Secondly, it's just his ex, it's the mother of his children and grandfather of his children. He is tied to them for life. It's not like a standard relationship like you mentioned where you just "cut ties". It dosnt work like that.

Birthdays as adults are not big deals, your not a child. You sound very hard work and self centred.

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - I don’t agree that birthdays are just for kids. But the whole thread shows it’s really not about the birthday. It’s an added point.

@Sssloou hardly. Your viewpoint is the same as me saying people who see the grey area/are more forgiving are weak and afraid of conflict so take the easy route. Just because I might say it (I’m not saying it, just an example) doesn’t make it true or make people who are that way, think it’s true.

[quote CaD14]@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - I don’t agree that birthdays are just for kids. But the whole thread shows it’s really not about the birthday. It’s an added point.[/quote]
I never said birthdays are just for kids. I said making a deal about any celebration being on THAT exact day. Is for kids, which it is.

Goodness me you are prickly OP! I wonder if maybe sometimes you don't realise how you and your tone come across to others? And if maybe that extends to you not understanding other people's tones, empathising and respecting their opinion even if you don't agree with it?

It must be very tiring to always use the black/white tactic in a world full of so many shades of grey. Just because it's how you've always been and you think it's worked for you, that doesn't mean there might not be a better way to interact with people effectively.

@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - again I’d say that isn’t true. I’d say for all of my friends/family/people I see on FB and insta, they celebrate their birthday on their birthday. Booking annual leave to go out for the day/out for meals and drinks/nights out with friends etc. obviously not currently with Lockdown, but I think if you were to speak to most people they like to celebrate their birthday on their birthday. But that aside, like I said, this whole post wasn’t about the birthday, it was an additional point.

[quote CaD14]@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - I don’t agree that birthdays are just for kids. But the whole thread shows it’s really not about the birthday. It’s an added point.[/quote]
People aren't saying you aren't allowed a birthday or to celebrate, they are saying it's very strange for an adult to be even slightly annoyed about someone else's funeral being on their birthday.

You asked for opinions, and the prevailing view seems to be that your H isn’t unreasonable for wanting to go. I think it must be quite hard for him, you having such black and white views. So no, he isn’t disrespecting you, he is trying to do what he things is right for him him and for his family (which may be ‘ex’ but still matter to him).

@youvegottenminuteslynn - I respect everyone’s right to an opinion, even if I don’t agree with it.

It’s not tiring when it’s how you naturally see things, and I think people naturally associate with others who think similarly to them friends etc, so it’s a part of everyday life for me.

[quote CaD14]@sabrinathemiddleagewitch - again I’d say that isn’t true. I’d say for all of my friends/family/people I see on FB and insta, they celebrate their birthday on their birthday. Booking annual leave to go out for the day/out for meals and drinks/nights out with friends etc. obviously not currently with Lockdown, but I think if you were to speak to most people they like to celebrate their birthday on their birthday. But that aside, like I said, this whole post wasn’t about the birthday, it was an additional point.[/quote]
Yes they'd like to but wouldn't be that bothered at all if they couldn't and certainly not if the reason was because of someone's funeral. If so many people are saying your reaction is very unusual and seems immature, do you not think that your reaction may in fact be unusual and immature, rather than everyone else being wrong?