Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

You did. Go read it.

Ah. I was right. @OldLang posted that, dear.

Where’s my apology?

OP, I think very few posters here are making assumptions about your sexual preferences.

I also think that the point most reasonable posters are making is that it doesn’t matter what they are, the only thing that matters are your boundaries and that you are completely free to have any sexual preferences you like without having to defend them.

I am sorry that you felt that this even was up for discussion.

@TreacleTarte

Jakey, can you not see that you're derailing this thread? OP could be getting some decent support but instead, your desperation to be applauded and acknowledged is stripping that chance from her.

Eh yeah. You're right. Its fully my fault. Its not @ohcaptains fault at all The OP has had a slew of opinions.

@OldLang

Its awful that the mostly female audience this post has attracted have put you in a position where you have had to publicly explain your sex life.

HAHAHAHAHA

Shall we ignore your helpful insight telling her to be open-minded, understanding and willing to explore his "kink"?

Can you consider making a special guest appearance more often? I've really enjoyed this.

I have enjoyed it more! Thank you. Its always nice to have a reminder of what makes munsnet special. Rage beneath the veneer.

@Jakey056

Its awful that the mostly female audience this post has attracted have put you in a position where you have had to publicly explain your sex life.

This is a support board - and I am genuinely extremely distressed by this situation and there are 5 children caught up in it.

The fact that you are here trying to score points does not reflect well on you.

@OhCaptain

If you have reached the conclusion that your partner is a liar and borderline psychopathic then clearly this is not a healthy relationship for you and you should leave.

OP never said anything about psychopathy. What is wrong with you?!

It’s so weird that you keep reading things that aren’t there and wilfully ignoring things that are.

Almost like you have an agenda.

Yep. Definitely time for more therapy.

@OhCaptain Read above.

You said 'OP never said anything about psychopathy. What is wrong with you?!'

But she did.

@Jakey056 and then I acknowledged that she had in fact said it and apologised.

Anyway, shhh. I'm done with you now. You're boring everyone.

Your poor "wife"!

@Understatedhyperbole

Jakey

You are cherry picking - I said IF he has no shame about the cross-dressing then that would be bordering on psychopathy, as he is knowingly disregarding my boundaries and needs simply to get what he wants from me.

For the record, I think he is full of shame and fear - I know his background and position and I can understand and empathize with that. Still doesn’t mean that I have to accept the relationship.

Posting this again for @Jakey056 who seems very excited about arguing with women and being right.

I have not said my partner is a psychopath.

I was earlier about to post that the reaction of male posters to Cara’s excellent post about boundaries being valid included everything from cross dressing, to anal and rape could indicate that maybe they hadn’t thought through their position properly and were coming from a place of subconscious misogyny where they expected women to be kind without having thought through all the implications of this.

Unfortunately the combination of the previous posts where the OP was encouraged to push her boundaries and the recent posts where females were accused of shaming the OP for those very boundaries makes the argument for a naive poster weaker.

[quote Understatedhyperbole]@Jakey056

Its awful that the mostly female audience this post has attracted have put you in a position where you have had to publicly explain your sex life.

This is a support board - and I am genuinely extremely distressed by this situation and there are 5 children caught up in it.

The fact that you are here trying to score points does not reflect well on you.[/quote]
I fully hear you.
I think its awful it has turned into a series of posts where you are painted as some sort of dolt for not going along with your partners kink. Sure, I said in my opinion I would explore it but I also did say you should be also super comfortable about saying no or leaving as should any man or woman.
Its got derailed because people think it is about vanilla vs adventure. Its not. Its about trust. I know you have kids involved and really hope you can resolve it. I felt it unfair that you had to explain as you did.

@Jakey056

More cherry picking.

No rage here, just genuine exhaustion at the constant tirade of shit thrown at women. Also occasional disbelief at the arrogance of some posters but it's mostly empathy for a woman who, by all accounts, has had her personal life thrown upside down and posted for support only to be told to be kind and understanding of a man who has treated her badly with abandon.
Told to seek therapy, ignore her boundaries and centre this dishonest and gaslighting man while berating her for daring to be resolute in her own opinions and boundaries.

If you had an ounce of respect for the experience of women and the impact of misogyny, you wouldn't have shamelessly added to the string of men who have disappointed OP and treated her poorly.

@CoffeeTeaChocolate

I was earlier about to post that the reaction of male posters to Cara’s excellent post about boundaries being valid included everything from cross dressing, to anal and rape could indicate that maybe they hadn’t thought through their position properly and were coming from a place of subconscious misogyny where they expected women to be kind without having thought through all the implications of this.

Unfortunately the combination of the previous posts where the OP was encouraged to push her boundaries and the recent posts where females were accused of shaming the OP for those very boundaries makes the argument for a naive poster weaker.

But she was shamed. They painted the issue as being about sex. Its not.

[quote OldLang]@Jakey056

More cherry picking.

No rage here, just genuine exhaustion at the constant tirade of shit thrown at women. Also occasional disbelief at the arrogance of some posters but it's mostly empathy for a woman who, by all accounts, has had her personal life thrown upside down and posted for support only to be told to be kind and understanding of a man who has treated her badly with abandon.
Told to seek therapy, ignore her boundaries and centre this dishonest and gaslighting man while berating her for daring to be resolute in her own opinions and boundaries.

If you had an ounce of respect for the experience of women and the impact of misogyny, you wouldn't have shamelessly added to the string of men who have disappointed OP and treated her poorly.[/quote]
I disagree with your post respectfully.
I think you have been focused on undermining my opinion since the very start on the basis of my male perspective.
I would go read my post again, however much it sickens you to do so. I suggested exploring her relationship history because it is one of the thjngs that drives difficulty in future relationships. I dont think I suggested ignoring her boundaries in fact I told her that she should feel comfortable saying no and leaving. Please read the post if you want to make a point.

@OldLang well said.

Absolutely bang on.

So sick of women constantly being told to be kid and having their boundaries and consent pushed on.

I didn’t see any shaming for sexual preferences (I may have missed those). I saw posters encouraging her to discuss her sexual boundaries, to give it a go, to emphasise with this man, to see that this was just a small part of the bigger picture.

It wasn’t. Cross dressing was a boundary and OP said no. I don’t care where people’s boundaries are, I am not interested in their sex lives. However, I will always support women in enforcing their boundaries.

The older I get, the more sad I find it that some people think that women’s boundaries are up for discussion.

@Jakey056

Disagree if you like. However, you'll find I replied to each and every point you made in your original post, including the one where you said the shame was possibly the OP's and another where you encouraged her to try and understand/explore his "kinks" (all highly disrespectful of OP's boundaries). You then responded accusing me of having disordered thinking and also suggesting I attend therapy (hardly a considered response to the things I actually wrote?).
You have cherry picked each post you've responded to, it's not me who needs to read things properly.

I have no experience with this but, I have been in relationships where people have, quite far along, disclosed fairly extreme sexual tendencies. It's a hard pill to swallow that they didn't reveal this sooner so I can understand that side of things. That said, I can also understand how difficult it must be for a person to feel unable to talk about such things. You are right and he probably feels ashamed. I think some of the comments you see on mum's net would give you a good idea why.

I personally could deal with this given a couple of provisos. 1. It was something that was explored in private and didn't spill over into public life. 2. We had an open and honest discussion to explore where this is going i.e. do they feel like they identify as female or is this purely cross dressing.

I don't think you can make a decision until you have had a really honest discussion with him about this. He will likely need support from you to be able to do this and is likely to feel afraid for the impact on your relationship.

@OldLang
'If you had an ounce of respect for the experience of women and the impact of misogyny, you wouldn't have shamelessly added to the string of men who have disappointed OP and treated her poorly'

Shame, disappoint, treated poorly, respect,...some narrative you got going on there.
I offered my opinion. Its up to the OP to take it on board or not. My opinion however it differs from yours is still valid.

@Jakey056

With all due respect (not much to be honest), your opinion means absolutely nothing when you have no lived experience of womanhood and all the things that come with it.

And yes, strong narrative. However, it also comes from decades of lived experience and evidence of exactly how women are treated, especially by men. So no, your opinion is not as valid as that of women who have personal experience of all the things discussed on this thread. You won't ever understand, and your arrogance is astounding if you think you do.

Spectacular me-rail on this thread.

[quote OldLang]@Jakey056

With all due respect (not much to be honest), your opinion means absolutely nothing when you have no lived experience of womanhood and all the things that come with it.

And yes, strong narrative. However, it also comes from decades of lived experience and evidence of exactly how women are treated, especially by men. So no, your opinion is not as valid as that of women who have personal experience of all the things discussed on this thread. You won't ever understand, and your arrogance is astounding if you think you do.[/quote]
Oh OK. Does that mean women cannot comment on mens threads? White people cannot comment on black matters? Human beings have a lived experience and if you are striving for equality and are quietly desperate at the lack of it as your last post implies then maybe include and listen to opinions outside of your comfort zone. If I put up an issue for an answer I dont care who replies, I just want perspective. Despite all that I see your point and appreciate that you wrote it.

Im off to garden now for those of you who were seething or rolling your eyes.
Appreciate all the perspectives even the left of centre ones

Next time please dont tell me when I can and cannot comment because of my gender thanks.
And maybe go off and learn how to look at an argument instead of personalising it.
Thanks

Yet, this is EXACTLY what you are doing to the women on this thread.

The hypocrisy here is breathtaking

@Beamur

Spectacular me-rail on this thread.

Quite. Annoyed at allowing myself to be drawn in and contributing to that. I hope OP is feeling ok.