Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

I get the impression that the OP is no pushover

@Beamur

I get the impression that the OP is no pushover

Well and truly to put people in their boxes. Love it.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

*Next time please dont tell me when I can and cannot comment because of my gender thanks. And maybe go off and learn how to look at an argument instead of personalising it. Thanks*

Yet, this is EXACTLY what you are doing to the women on this thread.

The hypocrisy here is breathtaking

Not really. I never told anyone their opinion didnt count because of their gender, or mentioned their poor wife, or hoped they didnt have a daughter, or told them they couldnt comment because of the history of inequality between men and women. Read the thread and ask yourself if the replies to me would be the same if I were a woman?

Read the thread and ask yourself if the replies to me would be the same if I were a woman

We'll never know will we- because you came on here and announced you were a man as if we should all listen to you and bow down to your superior knowledge, being a man and all that.

Even the OP said you weren't helping and found your "advice" patronising yet you're still blathering on about your important views and how we should all listen to you.

The word mansplaining exists because of people like you.
The reason the word "womansplaining" doesnt exist and isnt a thing is because women dont tend to tell men how they should feel about men's issues or explain masculinity or things only men can experience TO THEM.

Hope that helps!

@Jakey056
For the love of God just shut up.

No one cares what you think

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Read the thread and ask yourself if the replies to me would be the same if I were a woman

We'll never know will we- because you came on here and announced you were a man as if we should all listen to you and bow down to your superior knowledge, being a man and all that.

Even the OP said you weren't helping and found your "advice" patronising yet you're still blathering on about your important views and how we should all listen to you.

The word mansplaining exists because of people like you.
The reason the word "womansplaining" doesnt exist and isnt a thing is because women dont tend to tell men how they should feel about men's issues or explain masculinity or things only men can experience TO THEM.

Hope that helps!

I gave my gender as most of the perspectives were from women. A mans view is also important. Interpret it as mansplaining if you wish.

[quote Russellbrandshair]@Jakey056
For the love of God just shut up.

No one cares what you think[/quote]
No. Why would

I?

Good grief...

Oh OK. Does that mean women cannot comment on mens threads? White people cannot comment on black matters?

Sounds like Laurence Fox. No I wouldn't go on a thread on a forum mainly populated by men or black people to say 'as I white woman, I will offer my perspective' because it would be tone deaf and irrelevant.

No I wouldn't go on a thread on a forum mainly populated by men or black people to say 'as I white woman, I will offer my perspective' because it would be tone deaf and irrelevant

Exactly. I can’t imagine how ignorant, insensitive and down right patronising that would be to do that. Yes, never mind how black women have experienced xyz issue! I’m white and it’s never been a problem for me!!! Therefore it can’t possibly be an issue for them right?

Geez. 🙄

Well there's a lot at stake here. For you the trust has gone, but it's understandable that he didn't tell you initially. And then after a coupe of years where you brought it up, he was invested in the relationship and realised he would lose you if he owned up so he lied.

If there is any way forward, it's an honest and open conversation and see if you can salvage anything. Since he has kept it hidden for 3 years, perhaps he's happy to continue in private. Only niggle there for me is belonging to that fetish site where perhaps he did meet up with people.

You're talking about settling down with this guy. How big a part of his life is his CD really? The rest of yours / his life is a hell of a long time.

Yeah I suggested an open and honest conversation a few days back .

What are you thinking of doing OP ?

"a man's view is also important

Actually, no its not. NOT when the topic at hand is a woman's feelings about her husband's cross dressing and how she explores or expresses her own personal sexual boundaries regarding what feels comfortable to her and what doesnt.

A "mans view" is utterly irrelevant here. A mans view is utterly irrelevant in lots of topics that centre on women and women's feelings about their own sexuality and gender and how that is expressed in the world.

@waitrosetrollydolly

Yeah I suggested an open and honest conversation a few days back .

What are you thinking of doing OP ?

Click on "view all OP's posts" and you'll see she's decided the relationship has run its course.

@Understatedhyperbole

I also know I shouldn’t have to do this but...

I’m in my 40s and have always had a strong sex drive, it’s a massive part of my life. I have experimented a lot (especially in my younger days) and there isn’t an awful lot that shocks or upsets me. However, I am very clear about what I like and where my boundaries are.

Some of the replies here seem to think I’ve only ever had sex in the missionary position with the lights out.

However it doesn’t matter to anyone else if you have only had sex with the lights out. We are all allowed boundaries. False stop.

He didn’t tell you because he knows you wouldn’t want a relationship with him ultimately.

And nor would I want a relationship with a man that cross dressers.

Apart from a bit of de-railing and some posts urging me to ‘explore’ things I have no wish to explore, I have found this really helpful in clarifying my mind - so thank you to all who have contributed..

What I have got from this is that some people can continue in a relationship with a cross dresser but that seems to be on two conditions:

1. The CDer was honest from early days and there was no attempt to deceive them.
2. The partner is happy to incorporate some of the cross-dressing into their lives e.g. going shopping together or role playing sexually.

1. Obviously that didn’t happen and that’s the crux. I need to believe my partner will put me first and consider my needs as important as theirs - not use me as a prop to make their life easier.
2. This is simply a definite no for me. I just don’t want that to be my life.

The other question is whether this can be contained and there seems to be no answer to this - I really wish there was. If someone could guarantee me that my partner could go away to a hotel room once a month and play dress up and it would never impinge on us, I would probably still give it a shot. But no one can guarantee that.

I also doubt whether my partner can know this or would be honest with me - which makes the ‘full and open’ conversation a bit tricky. If I continue in this relationship there is a good chance that in 10 years time when the kids have left home, ‘Barbara’ may be a full time fixture and the man I loved a ghost.

So lots of sadness. I will let you know update next week if I can. Thank you again - especially the ones who made me laugh, as I’m mostly crying right now.

I don’t think I’d look at it as a betrayal as it’s just himself involved rather than anybody else but it would 100% turn me off and I wouldn’t be interested in a sexual relationship with him anymore. I think it’s a really personal thing, some people wouldn’t mind but as someone who is attracted solely to men, it wouldn’t be for me. I think you feel the same op but maybe have a think about it all and understand your feelings about it before you go to him with this.

is it any of your business what he does in his own time? well of course it is if they're in a relationship and it's a paraphilia! He's not train spotting, he's strapping on female body parts, dressing up and wanking. As someone up thread said, some women get the ick with how their OH brushes their teeth! I'd say wanking to an image of yourself presented as a feminine stereotype trumps that.

OP you have every right to end any relationship for what reason you want.

Say he was smelly and didnt wash, and that was your deal breaker. What ever. Deal breaker is a deal breaker. It's a relationship not care in the community

Good luck OP. It's good that the thread has helped clarify your own feelings

@Understatedhyperbole I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, but it's completely understandable.

It's meaningless I know, but I really do admire the way you're handling it and how you've considered your feelings and come to a perfectly acceptable decision about your own life.

Best of luck to you. This is just shit. It really is.

It's meaningless I know, but I really do admire the way you're handling it and how you've considered your feelings and come to a perfectly acceptable decision about your own life

I agree. I greatly admire how you have handled this OP, with such maturity, kindness yet respect for your own personal boundaries which takes courage. Wishing you all the best.