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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cross dressing - wise words needed

390 replies

Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 13:34

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 17/01/2021 16:27

@OhCaptain

“I’m a man. And I think that it’s your fault you were lied to because you went looking and stumbled across evidence of deceit. That’s on you. Also, he’s somewhat decent so you need therapy because you want to stick to your boundaries.”

That takes mansplaining to a new level.

Absolutely. Man tells woman how she should be feeling. stupid woman should just tolerate man’s paraphilia cos he’s a ‘good’ man.
Soontobe60 · 17/01/2021 16:53

Does that mean women cannot comment on mens threads? White people cannot comment on black matters

As a white woman I would not comment on either of the threads you suggested unless invited. Ie a man asked for a woman’s perspective or a Black woman asked for a White woman’s perspective. In this instance, the OP did not ask for a man’s perspective but you chose to comment and turn your posts into an argument, despite the fact that the OP directly commented on your unwelcome posts.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 17/01/2021 18:43

The receipt was from last year - almost a year after I asked him about the internet history and over 2 years into our relationship

@Understatedhyperbole, is it possible that when you first asked him he hadn't actually started CDing, he was just looking online at that point? If so, he didn't actually lie to you? However, even if that's the case and you feel OK about that aspect, there's still the "ick" issue, and to be honest I probably couldn't get past it. Good luck with your chat to him x

Noshowlomo · 17/01/2021 20:57

OP just wanted to add that it’s so admirable that you’re recognising your boundaries and are sticking to them. Many wouldn’t.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/01/2021 21:04

And the medal for the most spectacularly self-absorbed and tone deaf person on the internet goes to...........(drum roll please)

@Jakey056

NameChange123454321 · 18/01/2021 17:14

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including @Jakey056 , who has made some very valid points! Have a good evening everyone.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 19/01/2021 19:50

Name change there Jakey?

Russellbrandshair · 19/01/2021 21:20

@NameChange123454321

Hi Jakey! Lolol

BarbieBrat · 19/01/2021 23:24

@Jakey056 you’ve never been in this situation so shut up and have a seat in the corner. Your comments are absolutely ridiculous. She doesn’t need therapy just because she finds lying and deceit unacceptable.

My ex is like this. I took your attitude and ignored the fact that actually he HAD lied and hid things. I ended up being raped and knocked about for 2 years and people like YOU directly contributed to keeping me there as long as I stayed!

Iris27 · 20/01/2021 07:15

Omg this thread is ridiculous and I have given up reading it because of the stupid back and forth between certain posters who just have to have the last word.

I really hope you found at least some good advice here OP and I wish you luck.

ShyAmy333 · 20/01/2021 08:02

Try and talk to him, he may well be desperate to try to explain but I know from my own experience how difficult it can be for everyone in this situation. I started dressing up at the age of 10 kept it a secret for years and that was in itself destructive
I've now transitioned and my path led to that and I know that it was right

MegtheShark · 20/01/2021 16:57

Hope you are getting on ok op.

It’s so refreshing to see a woman who knows it’s not her responsibility to ‘support’ a mans fetish. Especially when that fetish usually carries on escalating.

Nonamesleft14 · 21/01/2021 18:11

Speaking from my own personal experience, I found if very hard competing with a 'woman' that I would never, ever be better than. I always found myself feeling inferior and not good enough. I pushed boundaries within myself that I shouldn't have, but I was eager to please and didn't put myself first. To be honest its left me a little messed up.
Thats my experience and everyone is different. Dont be hard on yourself for not being ok with it. You are allowed xx

Pleasebemyyearforababy · 25/01/2021 16:57

@Understatedhyperbole did you get chance to discuss it with him? Hope it went well. Have been thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 25/01/2021 20:17

So he insists he isn't a transvestite or transgender. It's something he gets off on - being submissive and sissification. He insists he completely thinks of himself as a man and has absolutely no desire to start wafting around the house or town in dresses - it's purely a kink thing. He can see that I would find the whole thing an utter turn off.

He claims he bought the stuff one night after having too much to drink and went on the fetish website for excitement. He regretted it the next morning and threw out the stuff when it arrived. I checked the profile on the website and it's clear it's never been 'active' and there are no details, messages or meet ups. He said he felt it was more like looking at porn and he never intended to hookup.

I was aware when we got together that he was far more into the Sub/Dom thing than me and made it clear that I was happy to have a varied sex life and experiment, but that if he was heavily into this we would not be suited. Each to their own - but I find kinks tiresome. It's like being with someone who always orders the same meal when they go out to dinner or always wants to go on holiday to the same place. I also don't want to police his sex life. If this is so important to him he should live it - but it's not for us as a couple.

Not really sure where this leaves us. I'm afraid I can't really get the thought of it out of my head and now don't see him the same way. I am not sure that will pass. I am also pretty sure he's playing down his interest in this.

We are having some time out. He wants to put it all behind us and move on, but I'm not sure that's what I want so will do some reflecting. We have managed to be amicable and open about it - so that's good. He is going through an incredibly stressful time due to family issues, so not making any final decisions right now. I am sad, but ultimately, I'm quite good on my own and have survived worse - just need to make the right decision for me.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 20:49

You sound incredibly level headed op.

Probably more than he deserves.

That would be a gigantic, fundamental turn off for me too.

He really needs a partner who is into such a fetish. I daresay there aren't many but he only needs one. He shouldn't be trying to have a relationship with a more regular type of woman and hiding it etc.
It's dishonest and disingenuous.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 20:51

I would also be inclined to think he's underplaying it - he clearly finds advantages in your relationship and wants to retain it, so he's going to.

He couldn't be upfront about it - even when you made it clear early on, and even when you asked him before. So it's natural to doubt his total honesty/transparency.

MegtheShark · 25/01/2021 20:52

Great job at stating your boundaries op, I think you are well aware of how much he is downplaying his ‘kink’.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 20:54

I also have a bug bear about people who join sources for dating, sex etc while in exclusive relationships and then.ckain it's just for stimulation, it's just like porn.

Nah, it's not really just like porn .... And it's highly inappropriate in an exclusive relationship. Is love to know how they'd feel if their partner was browsing those sites full of "real" people with the ever present opportunity to interact.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 21:07

Also (sorry for the machine gun posts) I am.inclined to think that the reason someone like him doesn't actually just seek out a woman who would be happy to get involved in a BDSM/sissification etc relationship is that he doesn't perhaps actually want that *sort" of woman as an all round partner. He wants that in sex but not in the overall relationship. A woman who's happily get involved in sissification domination is likely to be a more "alternative" type, extremely open-minded, quite sexually motivated, very possibly active in fetish scenes, and who perhaps might not be as sure a bet for exclusivity as a more "vanilla," woman. I think men like him want the more conventional, exclusive/monogamous, well rounded, socially acceptable, family friendly woman - while indulging their fetish separately and relatively secretly.

(Of course they might get a BDSM dominant woman who's into sissification who can appear conventional and wants exclusivity, and is social scene and family "friendly" etc but in my experience and observation, they're not that common).

They want to have their cake and eat it. A d they're willing to be dishonest to do so.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 25/01/2021 21:25

@Sandals19

He told me he did have a very BDSM relationship when he was younger and it was an absolute car crash by all accounts.

However, I am also sure there are some very ‘boring’ accountant types who are well into the scene but you’d never guess it (one of my friends at uni was like this). I expect the main reason for dating ‘vanilla’ women is that the pool of available women into any given kink is pretty small.

He is not my ex (who was a compulsive liar / cheat) and he’s not a player - but I agree if you have a strong desire/need/compulsion for a certain type of sex - long-term, I’m not sure how that can fit in a monogamous relationship where it’s not available.

OP posts:
Whichnamepls · 25/01/2021 21:34

I'm finding it hard to believe he just threw the stuff he bought out if it cost so much money.

I suppose it's down to whether you feel you trust him now, and if you still feel like you can fancy him or if it has already changed this for you.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 22:07

I expect the main reason for dating ‘vanilla’ women is that the pool of available women into any given kink is pretty small.

Exactly.

But it's totally unfair to regular women.

*He told me he did have a very BDSM relationship when he was younger and it was an absolute car crash by all accounts.

That sort of confirms my thoughts about why he won't just seek out a fetish "friendly" woman, which may not be easy to find but is certainly a lot easier with the web than it would ever have been. He may associate it with instability, extremity, possibly cheating etc. and he wants the stable, "normal" relationship that's likely to be with a "vanilla" ish woman, and he's dishonest in it.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 22:11

I'm finding it hard to believe he just threw the stuff he bought out if it cost so much money.

Also finding it hard to believe he splurged in expensive, specialist stuff on a whim/when carried away. He was probably using fillets in bras and decided it wasn't cutting it.

It's hard to trust his word tbh.

In any case, blokes who enjoy sissification are just not my cup of tea, it's a turn off - and I'd imagine it's the same for the majority of women.

It actually also seems to incorporate a certain misogyny .. like you have to be dressed as, pretending to be a woman .. in order to be totally, truly submissive and objectified.

Sandals19 · 25/01/2021 22:17

However, I am also sure there are some very ‘boring’ accountant types who are well into the scene but you’d never guess it

I'd imagine it could take a great deal.of trawling the BDSM scene for a woman who appears (and is) conventional like this, who is single, who he gets on with for a relationship (and vice Versa) etc. And if he's honest, he doesn't even involve himself the BDSM scene (aside from browsing that site). You could imagine how he'd default to getting into normal relationships and put the fetish in a box he brings out privately when it suits him. Totally disingenuous of course.