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Original poster

Cross dressing - wise words needed

390 replies

Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 13:34

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

OP posts:
Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:15

@Understatedhyperbole

Hi Jakey

I’m pretty sure you didn’t realise how patronsing your post was - you seem surprised at the reaction. If you had read the thread you will see that my partner has blatantly lied to me, he has been asked directly and we have had very open discussions about sexuality and boundaries.

It is possible that my partner has no shame about this - but his behaviour indicates otherwise. If he truly has no shame then that is even worse. It means he has hid this from me solely because he wants to be in a relationship with me and has no regard or care to my feelings, needs or boundaries. That is borderline psychopathic.

You put a lot of emphasis on me ‘finding out’ and keeping things private from your wife. I wonder why this is so important to you. Maybe you need to fully experience and explore intimacy so you don’t get caught up in a narrative where your relationships are just about you and you’re own needs. Maybe a psychotherapist could help you explore this further.

Life is short! Be brave!

Thats an interesting reply. I think I have a different view than you have however it is your relationship so up to you to decide what you want to do. If you have reached the conclusion that your partner is a liar and borderline psychopathic then clearly this is not a healthy relationship for you and you should leave.

I do think however from an outsiders perspective that there are two things goig on here, your background at having heing lied to before and his hiding his cross dressing. It does sound like you have made your mind up though which is grest.

As for therapy for myself, I actually did a good bit of therapy over the years so I guess Id have a pretty good insight into myself. My relationship with my wife is balanced to both our needs as we both have learned to compromise to each others not so nice sides. Thanks for your concern though. I wish you all the best and hope your next relationship will be healthier for you.

OldLang · 17/01/2021 12:16

Oh and @Understatedhyperbole

This twat doesn't deserve you. You are great!

OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 12:18

If you have reached the conclusion that your partner is a liar and borderline psychopathic then clearly this is not a healthy relationship for you and you should leave.

OP never said anything about psychopathy. What is wrong with you?!

It’s so weird that you keep reading things that aren’t there and wilfully ignoring things that are.

Almost like you have an agenda.

Yep. Definitely time for more therapy.

TreacleTarte · 17/01/2021 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:18

[quote SummerBlondey]@Jakey056

Why not explore it, find out more about it, why, what does it make him feel like

Would you do this for your wife, if she wanted to dress like Bob the Builder in secret, with a prosthetic penis and her breasts strapped up? If that's what turned her on?

Highly doubt it.[/quote]
I actually would explore it!!!. I think relationships are there to be explored. Im open to every experience and if my wife wanted to explore what you have suggested Id give it a whirl. Im comfortable in my relationship, she is honest, has not lied to me and we work as a team. Why not bob the builder?!!

*goes to google bob the builder pegging sets...

TreacleTarte · 17/01/2021 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:20

@OhCaptain

If you have reached the conclusion that your partner is a liar and borderline psychopathic then clearly this is not a healthy relationship for you and you should leave.

OP never said anything about psychopathy. What is wrong with you?!

It’s so weird that you keep reading things that aren’t there and wilfully ignoring things that are.

Almost like you have an agenda.

Yep. Definitely time for more therapy.

Go read her last post.

'It means he has hid this from me solely because he wants to be in a relationship with me and has no regard or care to my feelings, needs or boundaries. That is borderline psychopathic'

Nothing wrong with me. Apology welcome.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:21

Nah. My input is as valid as yours despite the bullying.

OldLang · 17/01/2021 12:23

@OhCaptain

The gift that keeps on giving!

Our visiting oracle has now given op PERMISSION to reach her own conclusion and do what's best for her. Hurrah.

Can't wait to see his AIBU...
"Man here for context. My wife has decided it turns her on to wear a strap on and ride me like a horse going into battle. AIBU to decline because I'm just not into the dick despite behaving like a massive one myself"

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 17/01/2021 12:23

I also know I shouldn’t have to do this but...

I’m in my 40s and have always had a strong sex drive, it’s a massive part of my life. I have experimented a lot (especially in my younger days) and there isn’t an awful lot that shocks or upsets me. However, I am very clear about what I like and where my boundaries are.

Some of the replies here seem to think I’ve only ever had sex in the missionary position with the lights out.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 12:23

@Jakey056 ah she did, too.

Apologies!

OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 12:25

[quote OldLang]@OhCaptain

The gift that keeps on giving!

Our visiting oracle has now given op PERMISSION to reach her own conclusion and do what's best for her. Hurrah.

Can't wait to see his AIBU...
"Man here for context. My wife has decided it turns her on to wear a strap on and ride me like a horse going into battle. AIBU to decline because I'm just not into the dick despite behaving like a massive one myself"[/quote]
Yes, yes!

@Jakey056 very big of you to allow the OP to still to her decision after your careful, many consideration of the facts.

We couldn’t have gotten here without you and your magical, problem-solving penis.

We are not worthy.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:25

[quote OldLang]@OhCaptain

The gift that keeps on giving!

Our visiting oracle has now given op PERMISSION to reach her own conclusion and do what's best for her. Hurrah.

Can't wait to see his AIBU...
"Man here for context. My wife has decided it turns her on to wear a strap on and ride me like a horse going into battle. AIBU to decline because I'm just not into the dick despite behaving like a massive one myself"[/quote]
Did you want to respond to your previous post? Where you accused me of making this up?

Or would you prefer to gloss over?

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:26

Thank you so much. I do think I offer a useful perspective

OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 12:26

Did you want to respond to your previous post? Where you accused me of making this up?

Or would you prefer to gloss over?

That aimed at me? I didn’t type that post ^.

I’ll await your apology...

CaraDuneRedux · 17/01/2021 12:26

Some of the replies here seem to think I’ve only ever had sex in the missionary position with the lights out.

And in a flannel nightie with no clitoral stimulation. Don't forget that Wink

It is honestly quite weird the way people think (a) having boundaries = boring, no experimental sex of any sort and (b) liking vanilla sex (a perfectly valid choice) = frigid, no orgasms ever.

OldLang · 17/01/2021 12:28

Funnily enough I didn't see it until after I posted. Glad you confirmed that you do see posts here (however selectively).

I hope you and Bob the Builder are very happy together. Lord knows we don't need any more angry men unleashed to the world.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:28

@Understatedhyperbole

I also know I shouldn’t have to do this but...

I’m in my 40s and have always had a strong sex drive, it’s a massive part of my life. I have experimented a lot (especially in my younger days) and there isn’t an awful lot that shocks or upsets me. However, I am very clear about what I like and where my boundaries are.

Some of the replies here seem to think I’ve only ever had sex in the missionary position with the lights out.

Its awful that the mostly female audience this post has attracted have put you in a position where you have had to publicly explain your sex life.
OldLang · 17/01/2021 12:30

@OhCaptain

I think he quoted a post that I'd tagged you in. Definitely aimed at me!

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 17/01/2021 12:30

Jakey

You are cherry picking - I said IF he has no shame about the cross-dressing then that would be bordering on psychopathy, as he is knowingly disregarding my boundaries and needs simply to get what he wants from me.

For the record, I think he is full of shame and fear - I know his background and position and I can understand and empathize with that. Still doesn’t mean that I have to accept the relationship.

OP posts:
CaraDuneRedux · 17/01/2021 12:30

Toddler tantrums, people. Toddler tantrums. Leave them to roll on the floor kicking and screaming and being ignored while the grown-ups get on with the conversation around them.

I know it's hard to ignore the screaming. We've all been there. But it's the only way.

TreacleTarte · 17/01/2021 12:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Jakey056 · 17/01/2021 12:32

@OhCaptain

Did you want to respond to your previous post? Where you accused me of making this up?

Or would you prefer to gloss over?

That aimed at me? I didn’t type that post ^.

I’ll await your apology...

You did. Go read it.
OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 12:32

[quote OldLang]@OhCaptain

I think he quoted a post that I'd tagged you in. Definitely aimed at me![/quote]
Hard to keep up with the flow of verbal diarrhoea isn’t it? Grin

OldLang · 17/01/2021 12:33

Its awful that the mostly female audience this post has attracted have put you in a position where you have had to publicly explain your sex life.

HAHAHAHAHA

Shall we ignore your helpful insight telling her to be open-minded, understanding and willing to explore his "kink"?

Can you consider making a special guest appearance more often? I've really enjoyed this.