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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

540 replies

bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 14:26

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine. Hmm

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door Hmm I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again Confused

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?" Confused

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
CoolCatTaco · 13/01/2021 20:26

I would hate that. Tell him to knock it off before you knock him out!!
I would worry that he's following you about because he's afraid you'll find something on him rather, than the other way round...

DownTownAbbey · 13/01/2021 20:27

PerfidiousAlbion

Is he into technology/IT? The clearing of the steam made me suspect cameras

This sounds weirdly plausible, especially when you say he knows things you've never mentioned. He could be reading your emails or somehow recording you.

lilroo87 · 13/01/2021 20:29

@DownTownAbbey

PerfidiousAlbion

Is he into technology/IT? The clearing of the steam made me suspect cameras

This sounds weirdly plausible, especially when you say he knows things you've never mentioned. He could be reading your emails or somehow recording you.

That would be so odd but possible I guess.

OP, maybe check around the house tonight while he's at work.
Hopefully it's nothing weird and he's just being a bit more clingy than usual

EarthSight · 13/01/2021 20:33

@bringwineplease

Today's gem: "Why has the showerhead moved? I thought you were having a bath last night?" (Every evening before he goes to work, he asks what my plans are for the night, bath or shower? tv? what time do I plan on going to bed?) Me: Confused I did have a bath last night. Him: then why did you move the showerhead? Me: so I could rinse the bath after I was done...? Him: but why move the showerhead? Me: ......so I could reach it...? Him: oh ok, I was just wondering.
Oh my God Confused

That just sounds like a type of obsessivness or anxiety to me. He needs to know what you're doing at all times otherwise it puts him on edge. Next thing will be installing secret cameras or CCTV. Don't joke about that though....might give him ideas.

EarthSight · 13/01/2021 20:35

@lilroo87 @DownTownAbbey Fuck that's a grim thought :/

lilroo87 · 13/01/2021 20:42

@EarthSight I know, not a nice thought at all and I really hope it's nothing like that

Aminuts23 · 13/01/2021 20:45

Check everywhere. He sounds nervous to me, like he’s following you so you don’t find whatever it is he’s done/hidden. Check your phone, your laptop, everything.
My ex was like this. Truly sinister behaviour. I may be wrong of course and he’s just being very needy but it just rings alarm bells with me

EarthSight · 13/01/2021 20:48

Right, here's a test. Next time, have a bath at your usual time with him in the house and lock the door. Fill the bath with steaming hot water, so hot that you wouldn't get in (careful though)! It will cause a lot of steam to fill the place up, much more than usual, and make sure you keep the window closed too. Then just shuffle about a bit as if you're getting undressed but don't. Just get a book or your phone out, some headphones and just entertain yourself there for a while.

When the water has cooled down, try to give your hair a wash over the edge but keep as much clothes or underwear on as you can. The aim is to look and sound like you've had a completely normal bath, but you've had your clothes on the whole time. It will be difficult though because if you normally exit the bathroom with just a towel on, he'll expect you to do that this time as well.

If he seems really on edge or is really questioning you after that, I would start wondering if he's doing a livestream of you to his buddies online. Confused I really, really hope that I'm wrong about that.

Sparklfairy · 13/01/2021 21:15

Crikey, this thread has taken a dark turn Confused

Before you jump to hidden cameras OP, it sounds to me like his mental health could be really struggling with Covid and lockdown. If his mind has been 'opened' by conspiracy theories, then he can become suspicious of everyone and everything. His view of the world has been shattered and he could really start to unravel with paranoia and delusions (I know more than you think I know etc) very quickly Confused

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2021 21:32

@bringwineplease

Hes been watching conspiracy videos on YouTube a lot, but I don't think he's at the hidden camera stage despite a few occasions where he knows things I've never mentioned and tells me he notices more than I think

When I say to him why is he asking what time I went to bed, hes defensive. Just taking an interest/just making conversation.

You've said that in quite a light hearted way Op (him knowing stuff you haven't told him) when actually it's really invasive and creepy is it not?
ScrapThatThen · 13/01/2021 21:39

He is anxious to not be alone with his thoughts I'd say, and filling his time.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 21:41

Crikey, this thread has taken a dark turn
It has that! I'm 100% sure he is not livestreaming me in the bath. Our bathroom is tiny, nowhere at all to hide a camera. Plus I have an app on my phone which tells me what devices are connected to our wifi and theres nothing there.

The "I notice more than you think" comments started before Covid but they've definitely ramped up recently. Just today he made a cryptic yet blatant comment about a bottle of Flash I bought recently (mundane, I know!) I didn't tell him I was going to the shops and I put the bottle with the rest of our cleaning stuff when I got home. Yet the next day he questioned me about "doing anything out of the ordinary" (I rarely go to the shops in the evening) and asked me if we needed to add Flash to our shopping list for the next trip. Seems coincidental but he does that with a lot of things.

I agree though I don't think his obsession with the stats and vaccine is healthy. I've tried talking to him about it but he's absolutely convinced he's right.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 21:45

Christ, this is moving from "lost puppy dog" to "I know what you did last summer". Sorry guys, I just keep remembering the little things and thinking actually that seems odd... I've maybe just become desensitised to certain comments over time.

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 13/01/2021 21:57

Omg tell him to fuck right off that would drive me mad

Itstimetoquit · 13/01/2021 22:28

Very odd behaviour

BillMasheen · 13/01/2021 22:33

The Flash thing is creepy as fuck.

ReallySpicyCurry · 13/01/2021 22:33

What the actual fuck?

He's trying to catch you out over a bottle of Flash?

Why is he even interested in whether or not you took the unusual step of buying Flash?

And then being all passive aggressive about adding it to the next shop?

If this is new behaviour, then coupled with the conspiracy videos I would think he's heading for a nervous breakdown.

Does he smoke weed?

JengaJanga · 13/01/2021 22:35

I would wonder that if its a mental health issue

Theunamedcat · 13/01/2021 22:36

My ex husband used to do that got to the point where he would refuse to shower unless he could shower with me sitting outside the toilet while I'm going to the toilet trying to talk to me while he was on the toilet following me everywhere I went into town with the kids shopping one day he was sleeping as he worked night shifts he got up ran to the car drove around looking for us and picked us up claiming he couldn't sleep without me in the house 🙄 suffocating isnt the word

ReallySpicyCurry · 13/01/2021 22:36

I can't get over this Flash thing. My DH knows his way around a cleaning cupboard and pulls his weight with housework, but wouldn't make a peep if I bought so much Flash I could bathe in it- would probably assume I'd read something about it on here

tenlittlecygnets · 13/01/2021 22:50

Blimey, op, this is actually worrying. My dh wouldn't notice if I bought 18 bottles of Flash...

Are you sure you're ok?

sheworkshardforthemoney · 13/01/2021 23:16

I don't like to throw around diagnoses but does he have anxiety about things being moved?
Is it in OCD thing?
Does he count rings and have to have them in a certain place and he wants to check you are doing things 'right'?

billy1966 · 13/01/2021 23:17

OP,

Your updates are very strange.
Not normal.

I think you need to speak to him and start to keep a note of his very strange behaviour.

The Flash is definitely not healthy or normal.

You really need to protect yourself.
Flowers

sheworkshardforthemoney · 13/01/2021 23:17
  • counting things
Porkchops22 · 13/01/2021 23:48

Seems as though he's following you around into each room to check that you haven't found whatever he has hidden? Camera/mic?
When you were in the bath for ages, he may have panicked that you had found something in there.