Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

540 replies

bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 14:26

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine. Hmm

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door Hmm I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again Confused

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?" Confused

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
ApolloandDaphne · 14/01/2021 08:16

It sounds so suffocating. Are you planning to call him out or do anything to resolve the situation? I can't gauge from your posts if you are thinking you should leave him it if you just want it to stop.

KatherineSiena · 14/01/2021 08:17

This sounds rather sinister actually. The bath intrusion sounded quite creepy. Are you sure he hasn’t got a tracker on your devices? In any case, it certainly isn’t normal behaviour to follow your partner around the house, nor rummage through bins to check receipts or empty packages. I certainly couldn’t live with this.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 08:22

I do plan on calling him out on it. I just needed to check I wasn't jumping the gun but I'm going to pull him up on every comment from now on, and if it continues or gets worse, we'll be having a sit down chat about things. I can't live like the way he was a few months ago. I was going insane. Having intrusive thoughts and really self-destructive behaviour.

OP posts:
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/01/2021 08:22

I'm feeling claustrophobic just reading this OP. I've no idea how you've tolerated it this long.

CallmeAngelina · 14/01/2021 08:24

This would Drive. Me. Up. The. Fucking. Wall.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 08:28

"We know almost everything about each other and each others families- we've been together for over a decade".

This means sod all frankly; what do you know about him in terms of his relationship history and family background (particularly that)?. You clearly did not know about this side to him and its a side of him he has kept well hidden from you until now. But its always been there hasn't it?.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 08:34

I'm close to his entire family. I love them. No red flags from them at all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 08:36

"I do plan on calling him out on it. I just needed to check I wasn't jumping the gun but I'm going to pull him up on every comment from now on, and if it continues or gets worse, we'll be having a sit down chat about things".

As if a sit down chat would help here?!. He knows and he has awareness here. You will merely play into his hands if you at all tell him how his behaviour is affecting you. I would absolutely not do this and instead quietly firming up a plan to leave him.

This is likely not what you want to read at all though, you possibly still think that you can and should live with someone like him for your own reasons without you being affected by him. But you are being profoundly affected by this from him. You are absolutely not responsible for him and his own state of mind.

IndieTara · 14/01/2021 08:36

I'm thinking hidden cameras. Have you checked your bathroom fan?

Mamette · 14/01/2021 08:38

Aside from being creepy and intrusive, which is a huge issue in itself, the constant lying and minimising- “oh I just” this and that- would be repellent to me.

I’m the type to stand there hands on hips repeating “Why though?” and “What do you mean?” on a loop until I break through the BS. As I mentioned above I’m amazed at your tolerance. Are you afraid to quiz him in case he gets angry? Or are you feeling worn down from it all?

Arobase · 14/01/2021 08:39

Does he work? If so, I don't understand how he has time to keep texting you constantly when you're working.

HighSpecWhistle · 14/01/2021 08:40

I'm concerned about your communication.

What he's doing is wrong, very obviously wrong. Yet this whole time you've hardly said anything to him about it. You may little remarks but at no point have you said "stop questioning me about what I do in the evening and stop following me - I don't like it. If you don't stop then I'll have to rethink if this set up is working for me as it's not at the moment".

I mean, why are you writing all this stuff here yet don't feel able to confront him?

I suspect he has cameras. I would feel very uncomfortable if I were you. He doesn't trust you and he gets pleasure from feeling dominant over you. Big red flags.

You need to work on your confidence. Have you considered counselling for yourself? Most people wouldn't put up with this.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 08:43

I was feeling worn down. I let it go on far too long the last time before I spectacularly snapped. Now that it's happening again, I feel like this deep knot of dread in my stomach and a kind of disappointment every time he mentions something new or asks another strange question. I am going to try that tactic though of constantly asking how/why? I do let things drop far too easily for a quiet life.

Yes, but he works nights so he's off during the day and able to text me.

OP posts:
Thefirsttime · 14/01/2021 08:44

This sounds as creepy and sinister as hell. It’s horribly controlling and is no way for you to live.

I know you’ve been together for 10 years and I often think people on mn are too quick to say LTB, but in this case I am surprised at how few posters have said LTB here. I think rather than confront him you seriously need to end this relationship.

It is definitely not normal to be watched, followed and interrogated like this. It is really so so far from normal and the way he is behaving (and I don’t say this lightly) is psychologically abusive.

CallmeAngelina · 14/01/2021 08:44

And you say you're 90% certain he's reading your MN posts?

Arobase · 14/01/2021 08:44

Doesn't he sleep, then?

Cavagirl · 14/01/2021 08:45

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I do plan on calling him out on it. I just needed to check I wasn't jumping the gun but I'm going to pull him up on every comment from now on, and if it continues or gets worse, we'll be having a sit down chat about things".

As if a sit down chat would help here?!. He knows and he has awareness here. You will merely play into his hands if you at all tell him how his behaviour is affecting you. I would absolutely not do this and instead quietly firming up a plan to leave him.

This is likely not what you want to read at all though, you possibly still think that you can and should live with someone like him for your own reasons without you being affected by him. But you are being profoundly affected by this from him. You are absolutely not responsible for him and his own state of mind.

I agree with this, sorry OP.

I read the first page or two feeling a bit sorry for him and thinking, that's annoying but poor guy sounds really anxious about covid.

Then the further examples & drip feed (not a criticism - I think it's helpful you held it back) that in fact this has been happening for at least a year and a half, you've had counselling & he apparently acknowledged his behaviour was an issue and agreed to change. Any unacceptable behaviour that was worked on in counselling that then reappeared would be a concern - but this is actually quite sinister behaviour. It's a personality trait he's developed now. Can you live with this for the rest of your life? How much time do you want to invest in hoping he goes "back to normal"?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 08:47

His family may be "nice" but they are not him.

I think you have become further ground down and conditioned by him over time to tacitly accept this. That was his intention all along and I have no doubt at all he targeted you. A man like this is frankly a danger to any woman.

Does he expect an almost instant reply to any text messages; what happens if you had to delay sending a reply for whatever reason.

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2021 08:55

This is way past the point of a chat op
You’re being stalked in your own house
Don’t carry on living like this

Mamette · 14/01/2021 08:59

He works nights. I must say when I read the cameras comment upthread I though it was ott. But given his behaviour when he is home it seems highly unlikely that he’s just happy to leave you to your own devices at night.

I don’t know. He’s monitoring you somehow. The Flash thing is too weird.

KizzyKat91 · 14/01/2021 09:00

Christ this is creepy behaviour! Definitely think there are cameras involved. Asking what time you plan on going to bed, could be a sign that there’s one in the bedroom. Could he be watching you sleep whilst he’s at work?

I think you should test him. Start mixing up your routine whilst he’s at work and see if he comments on it.

Gliblet · 14/01/2021 09:04

@AttilaTheMeerkat

His family may be "nice" but they are not him.

I think you have become further ground down and conditioned by him over time to tacitly accept this. That was his intention all along and I have no doubt at all he targeted you. A man like this is frankly a danger to any woman.

Does he expect an almost instant reply to any text messages; what happens if you had to delay sending a reply for whatever reason.

His family may also be just as lacking in middle gears and there may well be someone/people there who he's learned these behaviours from.

Either that or they're thinking 'thank god he's found someone who seems to be able to handle him/put up with him, don't do anything to put her off'...

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:07

No he doesn't expect an instant response, but he still sends messages even when I don't reply. Looking back on yesterday messages. "Oh well not long left at work now" 18 minutes later "well that's me away to take the dog to the park" 14 minutes later "omg it's so cold outside" then an hour later "that's me home now, not long left at work for you now" Confused the last message was 10 minutes before I was due to finish so I didn't even read it.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/01/2021 09:13

This is absolutely terrifying to me. I've experienced similar in the past. OP if he's using a Virtual Private Network or using a mobile device as a hotspot it wouldn't show up on your wifi. Also he knows things that you definitely haven't mentioned, that means he's finding out somehow.

He could have installed a keylogger on your phone/ tablet etc so he knows everything you write, he also could have installed spyware, this would let him use your phone's camera and microphone to see and hear everything you do, Spyware can be installed and viewed remotely and you'd have no idea it was on your device. I'm also thinking secret cameras, they can be hidden in places like plant pots, curtain rails, tv units .

Do you have any trusted tech expert friends who could check your devices? Also you could get a cheap PAYG phone, see if that helps. Can you get into any of his devices and see what he's downloaded or if there's any video or audio recordings of you?

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 09:14

@bringwineplease if you plan on talking to him then I would tell a friend when and that you will contact them at a certain time. If they don't hear from you then they should try to contact you and if you don't reply then to go round.
I know it seems extreme and I'm guessing he's never been violent before but tit could turn that way and it would be awful.
I know it's suffocating but you need to be very careful how you approach it.