DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

I thought some of the posts about spying etc seemed ott earlier but after your most recent update I'd definitely be suspicious that he is spying somehow. It's seems too much of a coincidence he has just changed suddenly like that.

Oh he has read this thread alright, no doubt about it.

He's an absolute freak.

Get the hell away from him and don't look back.

Hmm yeah, his behaviour today - as pleasant as it was - is suspicious. Will see what happens tomorrow. My eyes have been opened today though so thank you to everyone. You've all been excellent, albeit a bit blunt but I do appreciate it.

OP he has chipped away at your innate sense of privacy and normal boundaries. being in a relationship does not mean accounting for every minute and every action. Please phone the stalker's line mentioned above and get some outside perspective on it.
Imagine having DC and telling them 'don't tell Dad we had chips/went to the park/ called in on a friend etc'. So damaging.

@bringwineplease I think it's worth considering getting a new phone that you can hide and keep at work so that you can try and form some contact that isn't on your phone. Maybe even using Mumsnet so he doesn't know.
That way it will rule out one area that he can watch what you do

OP, he's never going to change. You can't fix this.

Doesn't matter if he's all sweetness and light today, abusers are rarely 100% bad.

But, he's read this thread and you are in danger. He wants that control over you, clearly.

It's going to be really hard for him to rerun it back in this time, OP. His compulsion to know what you are doing - and to drop sly little comments so you know that he is watching what you're doing - will be too strong at this point to suppress for long. He might be able to return to the facade for a week or two at most before the comments start slipping in again.

Good luck and stay alert. Don't get lulled back into a false sense of security.

*rerun it back = rein it back

Reading more of this is worrying. He's stalking you at work and spying on everything you do at home.

I'd say he's made up some conspiracy theory about you in his head. Maybe it's that you're cheating or maybe it's that you've been replaced by a government bot.

Too much of a coincidence. He read it. He is now playing nicely so you stay. Don't stay. He hasn't actually changed. Leave this guy. Talk to someone. I don't have a good feeling about him or this situation at all

Ask work to check the CCTV.
He thought it was broken. Still spying.
Get proof.

I’m appalled at your counsellor OP.

I went through 26 years of this hell. Heed the warning of a pp, it is so much worse once you have kids with them.

It was a counsellor who pointed out to us that this was domestic abuse.
My exdp by that point was watching me through the window at work for entire shifts, it built up from checking my pay and display tickets, checking mileage, tracking my phone etc etc

He robbed me of years of my life. He was able to live a normal life, go out with colleagues etc. I was doing the school run or I was at home. Anything else meant I had to defend and answer his questions and it just became too much.

I loved him and believed he loved me, too much. He didn’t, he didn’t love me at all, he was obsessed. Everyone thought he was a lovely bloke, most still do and that I must have driven him to behaving that way. Of course they would think that. He is always up for a laugh and I was quiet and withdrawn and in the end I avoided people. And I loved him so I only ever said good things about him.

That counsellor saved my sanity and possibly my life. She refused point blank to counsel us unless it was towards splitting up safely.

He thought it was a waste of time and we never went back. But she had made me see what I couldn’t before. It took me another 5 years, a huge financial hit and unfortunately he did violently assault me when he realised he really was losing me.

I feel ill reading your op. You are me 30 years ago. Please learn from mine and others who have posted their experiences, mistakes. Don’t make them for yourself. This is not love. It is obsession. They look similar from certain angles (yours) but obsession is dangerous and you deserve to be loved.

I can guarantee that your “d”p is reading this.

Please stay safe. Contact Paladin for a chat. I wish they were around a few years ago

I've just read OP's post from last night stating he's not not following her around and asking as many questions. Hmm coincidence much.

He's reading this thread OP 🙈

Have you watched the series You? 😬😳

I think that this has happened so gradually that OP doesn't feel it's as weird and creepy as it actually is.

Write a diary you could make a film about this. I hope the ending is a good one for you.

Who is in charge of the work cctv? Is it someone you could speak to and trust not to air your business to everyone else at work? Because you need to see that footage asap.

@Morgan12

Who is in charge of the work cctv? Is it someone you could speak to and trust not to air your business to everyone else at work? Because you need to see that footage asap.

Maybe you could ask them without telling them (I would be worried they would repeat it). You could say you think you were being followed or you saw something usual.

Or maybe speak to HR who could then access the CCTV. They would have to do it in confidence. Im not sure how it works though so maybe you could explore this..

There's an issue with many CCTV systems only storing data for around a week unless it gets manually saved due to an incident. It would depend on how modern their system is and how long they keep the data for.

It isn't necessarily a bad idea and there might be some recent footage, depending on when he found out the system was working again.

It's not against the law for him to walk past the building and the OP will just look weird asking for this.

Hi OP, you keep saying that you're giving your relationship go off the back of what the counsellor said. Forget everything the counsellor said. They gave advice based on your 'D' Ps lies - it is advised is that you shouldn't have counselling with an abusive partner because they lie like DP and the abusive partner uses it as a tool to abuss/control you. Which is what has happened to you, you don't have communication issues, your DP is abusive.

He is absolutely reading this. You are not safe, OP. Please, please make sure there is someone checking in with you on a regular basis.

Please read OP
www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

It's not against the law for him to walk past the building and the OP will just look weird asking for this

It is against the law for him to walk past her work building if he is doing it as part of a pattern of deliberate behaviour in order to stalk, harass or intimidate.

This explains the law in more detail.

It seems certain he is now reading this.
Anything you say on here now, will be a heads up.
Basically your relationship is compromised, even if he behaves better for a while, it just means he will be more careful.
If you stay with him, this is how your life will be.
Always having to justify yourself, daily inquisitions, watch where you put your fucking keys, & having to lock the bathroom door....
It just fills me with revulsion

He is definitely reading this. But instead of having a "normal" reaction of thinking, what the heck have I been doing, I better apologise to bringmorewineplease and have a heart-to-heart, he's just gone back to hiding the behaviour again.

That should tell you all you need to know.

I know you've convinced yourself he's harmless but I really fear you're wrong.

Everything you describe just screams dangerous. You have no idea what an obsessive stalker will do if they think they're going to lose their prize.

Another possibility is he cheats and judges you by his own standards.

This is so far from normal it's scary.