DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

Totally agree with what @RUOKHon says and especially this
OP, at the moment you seem stuck on the idea that you can somehow manage his behaviour. You need to understand that this is not possible. His behaviour towards you is deliberate, because it means he is able to maintain control over you. He won’t stop his behaviour because he doesn’t want to lose control over you. Things are the way they are right now because this is the way he wants it.

You can’t manage his behaviour.

He won't change OP. This is who he is.

@StrippedFridge where did I say murder? I didn't.

There are safer ways of letting OP see how bad this is without playing stupid games and poking the bear. There have been many good suggestions on this thread. All of which involve taking action under the radar.

He has form for pivoting if you will. Getting pulled up on behaviour, and stopping that particular behaviour but doing something different that ends in the same result. I.e. his actions when she is home late.

He's watching her every move. He'll see the complete change in behaviour from her and realise she's onto him. He'll back off like he did after counseling and stop everything to lull her back into a sense of security. OP will then breathe a sigh of relief that he's back to normal, it must just have been a blip, it's fixed now etc. Until he starts to ramp it up again and she's even more entrenched and it'll be more difficult for her to extricate herself from the relationship.

OP is not going to obey anyone on this thread. She will absorb many ideas and make her own choices. Suggestions are just suggestions.

It’s a myth that coercive control is caused by mental illness.

It is caused by misogyny and male entitlement. Pure and simple.

Op - just another one adding to the voices. Completely controlling and coercive behaviour. Sorry - I know you don’t want to hear this, but these people don’t change. In ten years’ time you will be a shell of yourself. Please move on and live your life free.

Ps my mum has spent her entire life with someone who coercively controls her. It is an absolute tragedy to see how much life she has had sucked out of her and how she is now too mentally fragile to move on, even though she has finally realised how bad her situation is

I had an ex like this. It didn't last long. That gut feeling you have about his questions- your gut is right. Leave him.

My ex used to ask all the same stupid suspicious irrelevant questions and would also resent me being in a different room from him or doing my own thing. He'd notice everything I did. Everything. And question, for example, why I'd moved something slightly or put it out of place. It was endless.

I am now in a relationship with a kind and normal man and I realise more and more every day how fucked up my ex was. It's controlling and it will leave you feeling on edge for the rest of your life.

I hope you leave him.

Please reach out to people about your concerns.

Please have a bag, a phone, important papers and money somewhere safe.

Pleae prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

And for christ sake done even think about have a child with this man.

So seriously disturbed.

This thread just gave me shivers. My ex was exactly like this. I spent ten years thinking it was normal - some of your posts like putting keys back in exactly the same place are so familiar it’s scary.

The thing is, for me, it escalated. He hid a recording device in my house behind a cabinet so he could call in remotely and listen to anything that was happening at home (90% of the time, nothing. The other 10% maybe me calling my Mum or singing as I was cleaning etc). He began scrutinising my phone bills to see who I was talking to. He read my messages, my mail, my diary, and if I queried it then I was crazy.

I found out years later that he had been cheating on me almost the entire relationship, including with escorts and people he went looking for online. Classic case of holding everyone else to the standard of his own behaviour - if he was doing it, I must be too.

I’m not saying your partner is the same, but some more counselling to explore exactly why he does this is a good idea.

@bringwineplease

"Investigated in your own home" - absolutely this.

The one that made me lose it last year was I decided to "test" him. I ordered myself a takeaway pizza (which I never do) from our local peri peri place (which we've never ordered from before) thoroughly enjoyed it, put the (plain) wrappers in the bin then the bin bag straight out into the wheelie bin outside. Low and behold, the very next morning- "did you enjoy your takeaway last night?" "how the hell did you know I got a takeaway last night???" "I could smell it as soon as I walked through the door last night, what was it? Peri peri chicken?"

Sorry OP but I don't believe this at all. He cannot tell what food something is (that you've never had) by smelling it. He's tracking you somehow, either by some type of surveillance in your house or a tracker on your car, or both. Is your phone bugged too?

I'm just catching up on everything. He sounds so strange and creepy

I hope you are well and safe.

@bringwineplease

lilroo about a month after I bought them, we were sitting on the sofa one friday night watching tv then out of nowhere, he says "so are you actually using those dumbbells much?" what dumbbells? "The ones you bought a few weeks ago" how the eff? "I could smell them when I got home from work! they have a horrible plastic smell to them" I said so your sense of smell is so good you were able to track them all the way upstairs to the small plastic box under the spare bed??? Doe eyed innocence "yes, don't you smell them??"

And you believe him?

There are almost certainly cameras in your house.

I think he is tracking her bank account.

@bringwineplease maybe change email password, switch on two step authentication, then reset passwords on everything especially bank account, Amazon and Paypal.

So, this afternoon was strange. I got home from work, and he didn't immediately rush to the door to greet me. Washing my hands, he asked me 2 questions about work "Is (manager who was off sick yesterday and I had to cover for) back now? How is he feeling?" Yes, he's fine now. He paused for a second then said "I'm going to go check on the dog, be right back" and went upstairs... came back down and it felt like he was back to his old self! Laughing, joking, making generic chit chat, no strange or intrusive questions, didn't follow me around once. Granted, some new tech had been delivered so I was setting that up while he cooked dinner so we were distracted. But it's very odd.

My first thought was, he has read this thread and is now desperately back peddling. He's at work now (without asking what my plans were?) so a couple of hours peace for me now. We're both off for the weekend so I'll see how he is tomorrow.

P.s. checked the bathroom fan now and showerhead. Nothing. Sprayed the whole lot with my new flash so hopefully it has short-circuited anything!

Thank you StrippedFridge

Glad that you have updated, I think a few of us were worried on your silence.
That is very odd behaviour. Is there a way he could be mirroring your phone to see what you are doing? It would explain his sudden shift in behaviour, he would know that you've been discussing him on here.
Not really sure what the alternative explanation is for him suddenly acting so different.
Glad that you are ok and no hidden cameras in the bathroom

Your dog lives upstairs?

Haha no he doesn't live upstairs but he is a lazy pup and was upstairs snoozing on our bed when I got home from work.

No he doesn't and it would really piss me off. We love spending time together but I'd hate him watching me like a creepy stalker

Really does seem like he has spyware on your phone/devices plus possible cameras etc

What’s your job?

Is he WFH? Does he see anyone else?

Hi, OPs partner!! Nice to meet you. You seriously need some help mate. This clear level of tracking is totally not ok and as a PP has mentioned, is a form of coercive control which is a crime.

OP - you do know if he stops acting the way he has, that doesn't mean the problem is solved, don't you? It literally just means he's hiding it better. Which you know, because he reigned in his behavioursbafter your counselling (though not necessarily his stalking, tracking and watching) but they've bubbled back. Which means he continued to do them but hid it better. I can't believe you sound so calm about this or think it's repairable. It's all "this is so weird" followed by some chilling, controlling anecdote.

Jesus this is really upsetting. I read all your posts OP. He does not trust you and is interrogating you to try and catch you out in a lie. You said he works nights so I am guessing he thinks you are messing around on him while he's at work. I was in this relationship five years ago and it was crushing. It killed who I was and I walked on eggshells constantly - to the point I had to video where I was and what I was doing as proof.

I know it's all a bit of a sudden realisation but I truly think you need to make plans to leave him. This isn't something that is going to change with counselling.

So creepy. Backpeddling so you can stay with him for a bit longer and then he'll start again.