DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

If you want children but not with him why are you even bothered about talking to him.
You are only going to get answers that you want to hear or benign explanations.

Unfortunately I think you will have a fight on your hands to get him to leave you alone.

I just couldn’t stand having someone question me over going to the supermarket. He is controlling you and you seem to have been trained to accept it.

I think you are being tracked and listened to and watched 24/7
Anyone who stands outside a bathroom door whilst someone is having a bath is just creepy. Coming in and looking round and almost expecting to catch you out is just weird.
I don’t care how much you get along with him I would almost think that you get along because he knows everything about you.

I wonder if he has got a key tracker thing on your phone as well.

Get another device/phone and start using that one. Leave your other one at home.

@lilroo87 I’m really worried she’s going to stop posting, and then it’s going to niggle at me forever that it’s because something has happened to her.

It sounds dramatic, but as I kept reading the thread, I thought never had a stalking case been laid out more clearly, and he seems ok as long as he has a compliant ‘victim’. If his victim was to change, and stand up for herself, so may he, in order to preserve the status quo.

Could you pack clothes in bags to leave at work for when you leave him. Was going to suggest if he asks tell him they are for a charity shop, but I'm not sure if charity shops are open now.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar it's my concern aswell. Hopefully she's just busy at work or driving home and hasn't had a chance to log back on.
Luckily he works nights so maybe we'll get an update from her tonight so we know she's ok

To all the people recommending that she change up her routine, play up to his worries, leave little clues around to throw him off her trail - STOP. This is not a cute game to show him how silly he's being and he'll snap out of it and say "sorry dear, I've been a bit ridiculous."

He is stalking her and controlling her. She says she's in no danger from him, but you never really know, do you? What if these little games make him think OP is secretly seeing someone else? Not so safe or funny anymore.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar and @lilroo87 and those that have said have a bag packed at work (with a new phone and SIM in it) just in case. Add a wedge of cash too.

Even if you don’t think you’ll ever use it and there is no need. Hundreds of women reading this think you should. So maybe just do it, and if you never use it, it’s max 100 pounds lost. But if you do need it in a hurry to disappear, it will be priceless.

I would rather die alone than live with a man like this. I don't know how you have stayed sane.

@CraftyYankee ok I’ve read more now, and agree with you. I think he is not well, and this will escalate. I think OP really ought to tell someone irl. Or post this link for someone irl to read. I’m sure he’s reading this too.

This might be of help to you OP - or anyone else who is reading this and wants to know how to check their home for spy cameras -

www.howtogeek.com/411095/how-to-detect-hidden-surveillance-cameras-with-your-phone/

This is insane and terrifying to read op. How have you being putting up with this behavior and thinking it's normal for so long is absolute madness. I feel so worried for you, your partner is not well and this is definitely going to escalate

No, this never ever happened to me, when I was married to my late Husband. It would seem odd, and an annoying thing to do, and would wonder why people had to do this. Must be a reason I suppose,unless they just have nothing better to do, as in doing little things around the house and getting occupied elsewhere.

You have absolutely no insight into the depth of the shit you're in, OP, and that's what is most scary and frustrating.

You imply that you need counselling for other issues. I bet they are inextricably bound up with how you relate to your DH, and your inability to see your dynamic at all objectively.

But of course, you won't see it, because that's how you find yourself where you are - with all of us, looking in from the outside, telling you there's something very wrong with this picture, while you remain calm and compliant.

What did your past teach you about what you had to tolerate as "acceptable"? And how do you normalise living with a man whose regressive paranoia is taking over your lives?

As PP have said this is not normal behaviour. He is stalking you. Don't think that he can't be a stalker just because you're in a relationship with him because that's exactly what is happening. This is coercive control and the very fact you had to post here to ask others opinions on it says he is controlling you and making you doubt your own judgment. He doesn't love you. He is obsessed with you at the most in the most unhealthy of ways.

He knows everything you do, from how you hang your keys, to what time you go to bed, to who you work with and what cars they drive. It wouldn't at all surprise me if there weren't cameras in the house or a tracker on your phone. He has clearly been walking past your walk to check you're there and to see who else is. It wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't followed your colleagues after work to gauge what kind of people you're working with and hanging around at work and has probably followed you too. If he's following you in the house then I guarantee he's followed you out and about. I don't care if he has low self esteem and anxiety(I have anxiety and have never done this) he's a nutter. You say he doesn't have it in him to be violent but how do you know? everyone has it in them to be violent and abusers will resort to this if pushed. You haven't threatened to leave yet or left so how do you know he won't go to those lengths? He's clearly hell bent on keeping you. I think even if you leave he will be obsessed with you. Counselling didn't work. I know it is hard to accept and more so because he's brainwashed you into thinking this is okay but you need to make a plan to leave and when you do you need to take a restraining order out on him. Don't ever get pregnant by him. It isn't fair on kids to think this is a normal relationship and you will feel even more trapped. He will have already seen you as a target as you have no family and accepted their behaviour towards you up until a certain point. Right now you have a job, money and colleagues and can get away. Do it before it's too late. Call womens aid at work. Use a work phone if you need to or a payphone but please please leave.

I really hope she is OK. The reason I suggested contacting the National Stalking Helpline is that I was hoping they could give her some perspective on his behaviour, and also hopefully advise her on how to leave safely.. I regret posting the "how to find hidden cameras" article now because actually doing so could be dangerous for her.

@lilroo87 @LifeAdvice @FollowYourOwnNorthStar you're spot on - bag packed at work, brand new handset and sim card which has never been inside the home. Some spyware can even survive a factory reset and if it is found and deleted, the lack of dataflow would warn him she had found out.

You can put recorders in showerheads. My first thought there is that there either is one that wasnt showing the room because it had been moved, or he thought you were looking for them and might have found them wherever they actually are hidden in there.

He's enjoying the control over you and letting you know he has it - the "colluege in the pub" story was to try and get you to think theres noone you can talk to or interact with that he doesnt have total knowledge of what they say.

I'd also spend a lunch hour or whatever going to Tesco but don't buy anything. If he is sulky and asking you what you bought then you know he has a tracker in your phone or car because there will be no other way he can know you went due to no reciepts/items/card payments in your banking.

This isnt to "play cute games" but to try and highlight exactly how scary he may or may not be being.

What you’re describing is coercive control. It’s a liberty crime and carries a maximum five year prison sentence.

You say that his behaviour started 15 months ago, but I’m wondering whether it’s more accurate to say that you started to notice his behaviour 15 months ago? I would confidently bet that he has always been like this to some degree, but managed to keep it just under your radar until recently.

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that includes psychological and emotional abuse of a victim in order to manipulate and control them. If the coercive control is having the desired effect, the abuser won’t need to use physical violence. Physical violence usually only happens when the abuser senses they are losing control of their victim and needs to up the ante. For this reason, when you hear of domestic violence incidents, you can almost guarantee that there is a long, long history of non-violent coercive control that has preceded it. It is also the reason why leaving a coercively controlling relationship can be an incredibly dangerous time for the victim. If you want to leave him - and I strongly suggest you should - you absolutely need to get outside support and make sure you can do it safely. Women’s Aid will be able to help with this.

OP, at the moment you seem stuck on the idea that you can somehow manage his behaviour. You need to understand that this is not possible. His behaviour towards you is deliberate, because it means he is able to maintain control over you. He won’t stop his behaviour because he doesn’t want to lose control over you. Things are the way they are right now because this is the way he wants it.

Given his intense level of scrutiny of you when he’s at home, I would be amazed if he hasn’t put some kind of surveillance in place so that he can keep up that level of scrutiny while you are asleep and he is at work. I think it would be a good idea to check your work CCTV and keep any footage of him hanging around your work as evidence - you will probably need it going forward.

I also suspect he has probably been monitoring this thread. I hope you are able to read this post and to somehow find a way to let us know you’re safe and if you need help.

This would drive me insane. I need my own space.

Understand more about coercive control here. Have a read and see if any bells start clanging:

www.laurarichards.co.uk/coercive-control/

Anyone else reminded of the show "You" on Netflix?

I really hope OP you will listen to everyone and leave this relationship, he sounds very dangerous, there is no way to tell to what lengths he will go to keep you under his control, and what's terrifying for everyone reading your posts, is how blind you are to the situation.

There is 0 chance that there aren't some sort of tracking devices in your home or car or phone.

Hi Op
Your Partner sounds like a Serial Stalker from a True Crime Tv series
The Type the suspect in which a ex -friend/Partner Suspects her former Partner of being up to No Good etc.!!

Does your Partner have a History a reputation of being Weird/odd/manipulative
/Very Obbessive ,very Possessive
With ex -Girlfriends or and ex wife if he has been married before?

Also Does your Partner have a reputation of being thought of as eccentric(weird (strange Odd,in any way to outsiders/to family members of his own?

What do your family/friends really think of him?(what is their attitude/comments generally about him?

Jeez, I just casually posted my last comment after reading the ops first post. Things have taken a dark turn since then!

Op, this really is not normal behaviour, I’m worried for you.

Despite your biological clock going off it is clear you are not mentally ready to move on yet. I think you know deep down that you will eventually leave but you are dreading the fall out. I suggest your next actions are geared towards preparing yourself for a major life decisions and the pain of following through, even if the decision you make is to stick with the current option of be with him and have no children.

How about you have counselling for yourself asap? Not joint, just for you. See if you can do it from a work computer in a meeting room. Leave your phone far away. Just in case.

Personally, I would stop appeasing actions (like with the keys) and would stop using words to change his behaviour.

I would also escalate to force the issue. I would take action to overload him to see what he prioritises. Do random shit constantly. Move stuff. Browse weird websites. Take a crazy route home. Be randomly late. Do your hair differently. Switch your phone off at work or leave it in the car. Tell stupid lies: Bob has a new Tesla; Mavis thinks she has a stalker so work have told security to watch out. Explain nothing at all. Channel your inner teenager "dunno", "no reason", "just felt like it", "why", indistinct grunting noises, "What's for dinner?", "Who would win in a fight between a snake and Brenda's cat?". This will serve two purposes (1) you notice how fearful you are (2) you find out what he is really like when pushed. You will soon be ready to move on.

Or
Your Partner is suffering from a very Severe Mental health disorder,
even possible multiple Mental health disorder .!

Does your Partner say he often/a lot feels he is being watched by Outsiders?

Does he say often/a lot that the Authorities are after him or watching him frequently such as the Police, the Council etc?

Has your Partner Personal hygiene gone down hill such as he does not wash often enough etc?

Does he not take so much care of appearance at home or outside?
Obviously as he is in work he goes there smart enough)I am thinking besides that tho.

Is your Partner a hot headed quick temper and irritable often?

Does he often leave the house in a mess you have to constantly have to tidy up?
Or is obsessed with every thing being perfectly cleaned and everything being in perfect order?
Is obbessed with washing his hands often all the time?

I would also escalate to force the issue. I would take action to overload him to see what he prioritises. Do random shit constantly. Move stuff. Browse weird websites. Take a crazy route home. Be randomly late. Do your hair differently. Switch your phone off at work or leave it in the car. Tell stupid lies: Bob has a new Tesla; Mavis thinks she has a stalker so work have told security to watch out. Explain nothing at all. Channel your inner teenager "dunno", "no reason", "just felt like it", "why", indistinct grunting noises, "What's for dinner?", "Who would win in a fight between a snake and Brenda's cat?". This will serve two purposes (1) you notice how fearful you are (2) you find out what he is really like when pushed. You will soon be ready to move on.

This advice is so stupid and dangerous I can't put it into words.

You're really suggesting fucking with a mentally unstable stalker, messing with his head and pushing him to his limit?

He will unravel and eventually snap. Then what?

Screw your head back on ffs. OP needs to back away slowly not fucking push him to nuclear explosion.

@Sparklfairy

I would also escalate to force the issue. I would take action to overload him to see what he prioritises. Do random shit constantly. Move stuff. Browse weird websites. Take a crazy route home. Be randomly late. Do your hair differently. Switch your phone off at work or leave it in the car. Tell stupid lies: Bob has a new Tesla; Mavis thinks she has a stalker so work have told security to watch out. Explain nothing at all. Channel your inner teenager "dunno", "no reason", "just felt like it", "why", indistinct grunting noises, "What's for dinner?", "Who would win in a fight between a snake and Brenda's cat?". This will serve two purposes (1) you notice how fearful you are (2) you find out what he is really like when pushed. You will soon be ready to move on.

This advice is so stupid and dangerous I can't put it into words.

You're really suggesting fucking with a mentally unstable stalker, messing with his head and pushing him to his limit?

He will unravel and eventually snap. Then what?

Screw your head back on ffs. OP needs to back away slowly not fucking push him to nuclear explosion.

It won't get that far. I rarely address other posters on threads here but I will this time. OP currently has her head half way out of the sand. She does not believe he is remotely dangerous. Telling her he is on the verge of murder is not likely to be either true or something she will listen to.

She would pick a few random things to do. He will get weird. She will realise how controlled she is. Her head comes the rest of the way out of the sand, she stops messing and starts exiting.