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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

345 replies

AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 05:35

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/01/2021 13:20

@Icanflyhigh either you've not read all of OP's posts or you have an exceptionally poor concept of boundaries in a relationship.

Disillusioned4now · 14/01/2021 13:21

@Icanflyhigh there’s nothing wrong with a friendship or keeping a connection to the past, but the content, tone and frequency of the contact is the problem as well as her partners total disregard to her feelings and putting the health of his relationship with this other woman above and a detriment to his relationship with his partner and mother of his child. Priorities.

MrsVogon · 14/01/2021 13:31

@Icanflyhigh

I'm struggling with much of this to be honest, but only because DP has a lot of female friends and he messages with them often. Some of them I've met, some I haven't, and the messaging can be anything from a quick "how are you?" exchange to a full on "OMG its been ages, do you remember when...... with hearts and flowers etc" The bottom line is that I trust him, and the one time (very early in our relationship) that I was a bit nervous about someone, he picked up on it before I did and told her she was out of order. She responded by saying she would always be there for him no matter what I did to him, and he just binned her off after telling her she was completely in the wrong.

I think if you trust him, what is the issue? I don't agree with other PPs that have said he's having an EA in plain sight, what if he just wants to maintain some connection to his past? Is that so wrong?

Well, many of us have been in OP's position.

It's often the start of an EA. You are very lucky, other's aren't.

TwoSwans · 14/01/2021 13:31

I think he's paving the way to go off with her by saying "do you want to throw it all away" to you. Pure gaslighting! His narrative will then be, "she ruined our marriage due to her trust issues" before then getting together with the OW.

Basically you need to clarify your boundaries and then reinforce those. If he loves you and wants the relationship to last he will respect these boundaries - full stop.

MrsVogon · 14/01/2021 13:37

@Happyone8

Op I don’t know why you’re even discussing this with him or waiting to see snapchats that he can meddle with b4 you see them . You’ve already seen all the evidence you need to see! We are all in agreement that he’s cheating , you know he is too . Please just get him to move out for a bit And go no contact with him for a few days and he might get some time to reflect and come back with some kind of realisation . My dh would be on his knees begging if I discovered something like this , not gaslighting me further . He just wants to make you feel in the wrong so he gets to carry on
Totally this.

Me ex gaslighted me when it all went on with his OW. The OH of the OP is totally being defensive rather than reassuring.

My current partner, I trust implicitly . He has female friends from Uni and I know if I felt something was crossing a line he would do everything to make sure he was doing the right thing for our relationship and proving loyalty.

OP you don't need further evidence here. He's being a complete and utter c**t.

MrsVogon · 14/01/2021 13:39

Another one spot on using the wife/partner's scrutiny as a vehicle to validate the 'friendship'.

Standrewsschool · 14/01/2021 13:55

“ he picked up on it before I did and told her she was out of order. ”

@Icanflyhigh

The difference is that op’s dh hasn’t recognised that him and friend has overstepped the boundaries between normal friendship and obsessive friendship/EA. Dh hasn’t acknowledged his wife’s feelings, and/or recognised how intense this new friendship has become, and so quickly.

supportivemyarse · 14/01/2021 13:57

"has agreed that i can see it with him when he does look at it" that's big of him.

He's refusing to stop it then? not deleted/blocked and apologised for shaking your trust and fucking with your head? tells you all you need to know.

Disillusioned4now · 14/01/2021 14:14

How are you doing OP?

Catty1720 · 14/01/2021 14:18

You can see it when he opens it? So still on his terms. What’s to stop him opening it and getting her to send something else?? You need to get control here. He shows you when you ask!!

BlueThistles · 14/01/2021 16:21

@Icanflyhigh

I'm struggling with much of this to be honest, but only because DP has a lot of female friends and he messages with them often. Some of them I've met, some I haven't, and the messaging can be anything from a quick "how are you?" exchange to a full on "OMG its been ages, do you remember when...... with hearts and flowers etc" The bottom line is that I trust him, and the one time (very early in our relationship) that I was a bit nervous about someone, he picked up on it before I did and told her she was out of order. She responded by saying she would always be there for him no matter what I did to him, and he just binned her off after telling her she was completely in the wrong.

I think if you trust him, what is the issue? I don't agree with other PPs that have said he's having an EA in plain sight, what if he just wants to maintain some connection to his past? Is that so wrong?

this is not OP situation... but congratulations on bring super cool 🌺

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 16:40

[quote Happyone8]@Mummabearofthree it’s gone way past hearts and I love you’d now , blatant cheating . We are hoping the op kicks him out and doesn’t put up with this shit . Time for talking is over , time for action ..
we are all here for you op x[/quote]
I hadn’t read the thread properly! Woah I hope she does too bless her x

alwayssomething1122 · 14/01/2021 16:47

I wouldn't put up with this at all, everyone always says make it known to him you don't like it and see if it stops, but if he isn't aware this is wrong from the start then it would be the end for me

Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 17:24

@alwayssomething1122

I wouldn't put up with this at all, everyone always says make it known to him you don't like it and see if it stops, but if he isn't aware this is wrong from the start then it would be the end for me
^ absolutely
sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 14/01/2021 17:43

Just read all your updates

He was setting up to leave you for this other woman. Obviously he wanted to make sure it was signed sealed delivered before telling you and you've found out too early.

LTB!

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 18:18

This is definitely not normal. Sadly Snapchat removed anything unless you save it so you'll never know what other photos or chats they've sent but if they talk on Facebook why do they need to message on Snapchat aswell, apart from to hide messages.
The fact he saved those specific messages are for him to keep looking at to know they both feel the same about each other.
The fact he's told her you're arguing is not ok and he's probably told her why.
Also telling his mum aswell but probably not giving her all the info so you now look crazy.
Definite gaslighting behaviour with his reactions, I hope you get/got some answers after his jog and that you don't get too much of a surprise if you get to view the Snapchat with him

Icanflyhigh · 14/01/2021 18:33

I've obviously missed some of the OP updates so I apologise if my response came across as crass and minimising.

If he is not respecting OP feelings and recognising that he is way outside of their boundaries then I agree he needs to address this pretty damned quick.

Sorry to have caused offence, definitely not my intention and reading the full thread makes me realise just how fortunate I am to have the trust that I do in DP.

Good luck OP, I hope you get the outcome you want from this x

Icanflyhigh · 14/01/2021 18:37

So the app hadn't loaded all of the messages, which is why I hadn't read the full thread. I've just logged into PC and seen them all and I am wholeheartedly sorry for posting what I did when the situation has clearly escalated hugely from the OP.
So sorry for you, make sure are calling the shots now and deciding what happens from here on.

Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 19:22

@AnonymousMama1 what’s happening ? Hope you’re ok x

Beautiful3 · 16/01/2021 09:56

Hows it going op? You okay?

Standrewsschool · 16/01/2021 11:15

Hi, have you had anymore ‘chats’?

LadyPenelowee · 16/01/2021 11:23

This wouldn’t sit right with me.
If they was that good friends why didn’t they not speak for ages?
The fact that he doesn’t show you messages, has deleted some messages and says your get wrong idea if you read them all scream that he knows he is being inappropriate.
Like others have said, he’s using a lot of time and energy on her when it should be on you and your kids. He needs to get his priorities right.
I also wouldn’t feel comfortable him discussing you with her.

TripleSeptic · 16/01/2021 11:48

I wouldn't stand for that at all. Draw a line now, tell him if this woman means so much to him, to go to his mum's, that it's over.

He is disrespecting you, lying to you, devoting more time to a relationship with this woman than you and your children, and he's minimising it all.

Pack him a bag, no, get himself to pack himself a bag. You shouldn't be chasing him for a chance to chat/hear his piss-poor explanations. Let your next chat be your last one. It's her or you. A question you shouldn't even have to ask!

Happyone8 · 16/01/2021 15:54

Hi @AnonymousMama1 it would be nice if you came back to update us since we spent time giving advice

AmywithanL · 16/01/2021 16:32

*Happyone8

Hi @AnonymousMama1 it would be nice if you came back to update us since we spent time giving advice*

Why? She doesn’t need to come back. Her life isn’t a soap for your entertainment.

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