He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

*you’re overreacting

Its cheating in mine too.
I dont know what ill do. Cant do anything else until tomorrow even though sitting in bed beside him made me want to beat him with a pillow (coz the baby sleeps in my room)

He sent those messages tonight? After he had told you he wouldn't contact her?

Oh I couldn’t bear to be next to him , he wouldn’t be sleeping - I’d be giving him an earful ! Then he’d be packing his bags .
I have a young ds and I know how scary it must be right now , feeling like you don’t know what to do and you have a baby to consider . I would personally find it very hard to trust again especially as he’s not even sorry and just gaslighting you more . I wouldn’t want to be around him and would ask him to go to his mums while you take time to figure out what to do . Screen shot the snapchats next look and send them to his mum , no doubt he’s spun her some lies too .
Have you got any friends to talk to ? Big hugs x

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

He sent those messages tonight? After he had told you he wouldn't contact her?

No. He sent those sunday night

Ah ok
Even so! You must feel sick. I know I would.

There's no mistaking what he is saying to her..and he knows that she has feelings for him and is encouraging her, not dissuading her.

What will you do?

I would screenshot everything (if you haven't already)

I dont know. Ive felt sick about this for days already. Now i just feel worse.
It was all justified.

Awful. I wouldn’t give him another inch. No discussion. Out.
He’s a fool and not a decent person. He is a fool to think he knows her in any sense and deeply nasty in his disrespect to you.
Take care of yourself.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

I would screenshot everything (if you haven't already)

Oh i have. So its all there to confront him tomorrow

Would you believe him if he agreed to cut all contact with her?

At least you know your instincts were right, small consolation but he was making you out ( as were a few posters) as someone who was being insecure and over the top etc

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is there anywhere you and the baby can go for a few days to give you both time to think? Do you have supportive family?

Perhaps a bit of space would give him some perspective and make him realise some thrilling superficial messages aren’t worth losing his family unit.

Or you may remember how strong you are and that you deserve better and gain the courage to leave him and enjoy life with the chance to meet someone who truly loves, values and respects you

Please do not accept this and allow him to downplay this any longer and make out like you’re crazy and the one in the wrong. He is despicable

Please show him this thread to show you have solidarity and that you know you aren’t crazy!

Wishing you all the best x

I think I'd be packing a bag for him to take to his mums

Then waking him up and handing it to him

Thankyou all for the support.
Im thinking of dropping him back at his mums tomorrow but who knows if that will juat give them more of a chance since she is only down the road from his mums place.
Urgh my head hurts with all this anger right now.
The fb messages were tame and not really anything to worry about but that snapchat. Woah.
Cant wait to see how he tries to get out of this one when i talk to him tomorrow.
Sitting right beside me saying that. Thats just not on!

@Cokie3

"she's not going anywhere"

That's a red flag to me. She said 'love you' on a post where she also said he was handsome. She's single and talking to him for a couple of hours at a time. THEN, instead of apologising to your DP for making his you uncomfortable and upset, instead of retreating and saying 'she's right, it isn't really appropriate for us to be messaging this much, it's been good to catch up though. Good luck for the future' kind of message, she ups the ante by saying "I'm not going anywhere"??

In anyone's language she is throwing down the gauntlet and saying she won't stop, and will be there for him.

Even if he's not interested in her, she is certainly interested in him, her defiance shows that.

Turn it around on him and ask him how he would feel if you were to reacquaint with an ex over messenger, he liked a facebook picture of you and called you sexy, said love you with lovehearts, and also said "I'm not going anywhere" when you told him that your DP was uncomfortable with you messaging him and phoning him for 2 hours.

Ask him what his reaction would be? Then ask him why you should feel any different with him and this woman that is clinging onto him and basically throwing herself at him?

I interpreted “I’m not going anywhere” to mean “don’t worry if you can’t message for a while - I’ll still be here (I’m not going anywhere)”. Not as defiance and ‘throwing down the gauntlet’!

I know you don’t want to put him in temptations way , can he stay somewhere else so it’s one less thing to worry about ? I wouldn’t be dropping him anywhere , he can sort his own shit out ! I would tell him you don’t trust him and he needs to stay with family or friends ( preferably not his mum ) as you need to consider what you want to do .

The trouble is that you shouldn’t feel worry about them meeting up if he goes to his Mums. He’ll do what he wants to do.

You can’t be in a relationship with someone who only doesn’t cheat because there isn’t the opportunity.

You shouldn’t feel like you have to keep them apart to stop him cheating. You should be able to trust him. He isn’t trustworthy. He’s proven that with these messages and furthermore lied about it and tried to make you feel crazy. It’s just evil.

Absolutely, it's just so bloody disrespectful. The cheek of it! And downplaying everything too. Tosser.

Maybe some time away would make him realise what he's got to lose? I don't think it makes any difference geographically where she is, if he's going to cheat on you he'll do it regardless.

And if he does go to her, well I know it wouldn't feel like it now but you'd be well shot of him.

What a nightmare, I really feel for you

Honestly OP - if he is going to go running to her because the mother of his child is feeling very hurt and angry because of the way he has been behaving then let him go because that isn’t someone who is properly committed to you and your relationship.

And I know right know that absolutely sucks. But if he does go then you are better off without him.

And he goes away and realises what he is risking and comes back and tells you how he is absolutely committed to you and will stop contact then I think that’s fair enough and worth giving it a try.

Feels like you are being allowed to see this early 'affair' so you can become the 'unreasonable harpy' that drives him to have a physical affair.

You will be blamed, he will be the innocent who was driven into the arms of a caring friend, while you were mean and cold etc.

If I was behaving like your DH and told my mum she would turn round and say what are you playing at!!
OP you need to prepare yourself to hear stuff you won’t want to hear as you know he will try and justify it all and twist it onto you.

Wow. You were right, and so were we (most of us). He is clearly having an emotional affair, and your recent posts detailing the messages is even worse than your first few posts! He has all but admitted that he cares about her more than a friend, and that he thinks of her as wife material (for him, certainly not for some other guy he didn't even know!). He is clearly cheating and if he goes straight to her after you kick him out, that will be the proof you need in your mind to move past it. Those messages leave absolutely no doubt now, don't they? You are better of being rid of him and thus rid of the stress. You'll find you'll probably cope a lot better in daily life and as a parent, as well.

This is not ok. Hiding in plain site as they say.

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time or however that quote goes.

Even if it was her it’ll be another one.

Your instincts were right. Now follow through with the required actions. You deserve better.