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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

345 replies

AnonymousMama1 · 13/01/2021 05:35

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 14/01/2021 09:23

He's openly pursuing a new relationship in front of you ... this is over OP 🌺

harknesswitch · 14/01/2021 09:36

A 5am jog = phoning his new/old friend

Original poster
AnonymousMama1 · 14/01/2021 10:03

Not the best. He keeps turning it around on me (gaslighting i know) and we never got it finished because the baby woke up.
I confronted him about time differences between the phone call and snapchat messages and he “cant work it out” basically.
She has sent him another snap today and he hasnt looked yet but has agreed that i can see it with him when he does look at it. But im guessing that wont be until my daughter goes to bed tonight

OP posts:
bigbird1969 · 14/01/2021 10:06

i wouldnt get too upset about his mum, he will definitely have minimised the interactions with this woman to her. I would be very surprised given his behaviour that if you showed her the truth that she too would think he has crossed the line.

He is in the middle of an emotional affair and gaslighting you. Stay strong, you need to decide what your going to accept in this relationship.

Disillusioned4now · 14/01/2021 10:15

Why can’t he quickly look at it? It takes 10 seconds to read a snap chat message. I don’t see why it has to be put off until tonight. This gives him the chance to read it alone in the bathroom or similar, he could call her and ask her to send another innocent one to take its place and explain you’re going to see it. I cannot believe he is still turning it around on you and making out there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing!!!!! Unbelievable!

bigbird1969 · 14/01/2021 10:21

snapchat messages dissappear so he is playing you

Hoiking · 14/01/2021 10:37

He doesn't need to 'get it' as in fully understand the exact minutiae of the psychological reasons you feel like this. The fact is that YOU DO FEEL LIKE THIS and he needs to fucking stop.
Ultimatum time I think.

Skyla2005 · 14/01/2021 10:48

He will definitely make sure you don’t read that Snapchat. He will look at it and then it will disappear ! I would have demanded there and then. This woman needs telling to fuck off and your husband needs to grow up hope your ok

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 10:59

@Skyla2005

He will definitely make sure you don’t read that Snapchat. He will look at it and then it will disappear ! I would have demanded there and then. This woman needs telling to fuck off and your husband needs to grow up hope your ok
Or he'll have asked his friend to send an innocent one and then say it's proof nothing dodgy is going on.
Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 11:05

Op I don’t know why you’re even discussing this with him or waiting to see snapchats that he can meddle with b4 you see them . You’ve already seen all the evidence you need to see! We are all in agreement that he’s cheating , you know he is too . Please just get him to move out for a bit And go no contact with him for a few days and he might get some time to reflect and come back with some kind of realisation . My dh would be on his knees begging if I discovered something like this , not gaslighting me further . He just wants to make you feel in the wrong so he gets to carry on

Literallynoidea · 14/01/2021 11:15

I do think it's over OP. He will secretly message her and ask her to send another snap that is fine.
He is 100pc pursuing another woman.

For your own long term happiness, get rid.

Disillusioned4now · 14/01/2021 11:15

@Happyone8

Op I don’t know why you’re even discussing this with him or waiting to see snapchats that he can meddle with b4 you see them . You’ve already seen all the evidence you need to see! We are all in agreement that he’s cheating , you know he is too . Please just get him to move out for a bit And go no contact with him for a few days and he might get some time to reflect and come back with some kind of realisation . My dh would be on his knees begging if I discovered something like this , not gaslighting me further . He just wants to make you feel in the wrong so he gets to carry on
This ^ It doesn’t seem like this is being taken seriously enough at all. He should be packing his bags and begging for forgiveness. In the gentlest possible way, I think you need to be more assertive here. He is walking all over you. We are all here for you sweetheart. Be strong x
BigTroubleLittleEngland · 14/01/2021 11:25

Op only just before Christmas i "reconnected" with a very old male friend. We chatted back and forth on messenger for an evening just catching up on the last 30 years. Since then we message very sporadically (once a week max), mostly with any questions we forgot to ask the evening we messaged loads (eg forgot to ask how is your mum).

From what you've described in your op, this version of reconnecting is out of bounds of acceptable catching up. I'd not be happy.

Fifi1086 · 14/01/2021 11:26

The very fact that you're waiting to look at the Snapchat whenever he decides he wants to open it is incredibly frustrating 🙈 take some control of the situation.

Beautiful3 · 14/01/2021 11:45

I would ask him to open it right now in front of me!!!

harknesswitch · 14/01/2021 11:54

You do realise his 5am jog was to ring her, and warm her not to send anything dodgy today as you'll be checking his messages.

formerbabe · 14/01/2021 11:59

@BlueThistles

He's openly pursuing a new relationship in front of you ... this is over OP 🌺
Yep I agree.

Hiding in plain sight

Flippy87 · 14/01/2021 12:00

You need to take control. Whatever that snap is it will have been planned by him I think. I’d be done with him now tbh. He should have cut her off and put you and your child first.

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 12:10

@AnonymousMama1

He says hearts between friends is ok. And then will say “love u” is not the same as i love you.
He said love you to another woman? Is he 15, why do they need to chat so often? Are you in the conversations, is their any talks of you ever meeting his so called ‘friend’
Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 12:13

@Mummabearofthree it’s gone way past hearts and I love you’d now , blatant cheating . We are hoping the op kicks him out and doesn’t put up with this shit . Time for talking is over , time for action ..
we are all here for you op x

CatMumOnPurrlough · 14/01/2021 12:23

@AnonymousMama1

Not the best. He keeps turning it around on me (gaslighting i know) and we never got it finished because the baby woke up. I confronted him about time differences between the phone call and snapchat messages and he “cant work it out” basically. She has sent him another snap today and he hasnt looked yet but has agreed that i can see it with him when he does look at it. But im guessing that wont be until my daughter goes to bed tonight
Do bear in mind snaps can be opened and then reloaded/"replayed" so he would be able to gauge the nature of it before letting you see it. Messages are auto deleted unless you save them, so it wouldn't be hard for him to check the snap, tell her to send something innocent and then let you see it. Take note of the timer on the snap before its opened (1hr ago, 3hrs ago, 5m ago, etc.) So make sure that time stamp lines up with the time she sent it today. If its sooner, he likely rigged it.
HighSpecWhistle · 14/01/2021 12:24

In all honestly you don't need any more chats or seeing the snapchat.

He's emotionally cheating. No doubt about it.

Now it's up to you what you do. You can stay, but you'll have to accept that he may continue this affair. Or you leave and show him that his actions have consequences.

There's no way he's not cheating. I'm really sorry, I know it must take time to get your head around.

Noshowlomo · 14/01/2021 12:53

He sounds like a 10 year old girl. He’s a father ffs ! With a really anxious concerned partner and it sounds like he doesn’t give a shit.

BlueThistles · 14/01/2021 12:58

@Noshowlomo

He sounds like a 10 year old girl. He’s a father ffs ! With a really anxious concerned partner and it sounds like he doesn’t give a shit.

agreed... this is horrible and cruel 🌺

Icanflyhigh · 14/01/2021 13:15

I'm struggling with much of this to be honest, but only because DP has a lot of female friends and he messages with them often. Some of them I've met, some I haven't, and the messaging can be anything from a quick "how are you?" exchange to a full on "OMG its been ages, do you remember when...... with hearts and flowers etc"
The bottom line is that I trust him, and the one time (very early in our relationship) that I was a bit nervous about someone, he picked up on it before I did and told her she was out of order. She responded by saying she would always be there for him no matter what I did to him, and he just binned her off after telling her she was completely in the wrong.

I think if you trust him, what is the issue? I don't agree with other PPs that have said he's having an EA in plain sight, what if he just wants to maintain some connection to his past? Is that so wrong?