He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

It’s definitely over the line
So disrespectful
Don’t put up with it

I’m glad you trusted your instincts on this. To me this is way far over the line, I think I’d be packing his bags for him. He doesn’t appreciate what he has with you and his behaviour is disgusting- trying to make you look unreasonable! How would he react if it was all the other way around??

It's absolutely fine and normal for men and women to be close friends and to catch up after a while. but what you describe is way beyond that. It is a sudden new obsession. He is ignoring you while he focuses on her and making you feel bad for challenging this behaviour.

Remind him that he has a partner and young son who aren't getting showered with messages and love hearts and two-hour-long chats and promises that they mean more to him than they realise. Ask him to think hard about what he stands to lose by his very immature behaviour. Will he risk not living with his son as he grows up just because he has a crush on someone from years ago who may not, in real life, be as charming or sexy or as easy to live with as he imagines. Not once the glamour wears off.

If you didn't have a child I'd say ditch him. As you do, I'd say give him one short-lived chance to sort out his head and focus his energy and attention where it should be. Ultimatum. No second chances.

Oh no, sorry op, that's awful what he's done and doing 😔.

she'e a tryer, he's enjoying the ego boost fantasy thing.

you have a baby, he shouldn't have either the time, energy or enthusiasm for constant messaging with some random throwback. drop him off at his mums, tell her why and that this woman lives nearby so the mum will know to expect her.

if he respects you, she'd be off his social media and rejoining the ranks of people he's not seen in a decade, after a message to tell her thanks but no thanks. don't be a mug or low hanging fruit, set a high bar for yourself.

AnyFucker

He's having an emotional affair in plain sight

The "openness and honesty: is pure manipulation designed to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.

This. He doesnt give a shit how you feel
Again this .

If they get together as he's nearer you're better off. You can't keep him under lock and key. He's messing around when he's with you. It hasn't stopped him because he's not geographically closer.

Not appropriate at all. It's really simple, whos feelings are more important to him? Hers or yours?

If his mother dare to defend him tell her you are not prepared to sit watching your DP sit for houses on end swapping messages with a woman where they tell each other how much they mean to each other

He is making you unhappy and miserable and you have explained why and asked him to text and message less and his response is to send her 💖. He is being totally disrespectful to you and your relationship. How can you have sex with.s person sending 💖 to another woman? I would be telling him stop this behaviour or move on. I would say I don't want to be in a relationship with a person who sends most of his attention on another woman. Then give him a couple of weeks to choose but would not be having sex with him until I had got a response. The way you are feeling is perfectly understandable. Don't let him gas light you. Don't put up with it through.

Oh we arent having sex. Funny thing is right before this happened i thought i was pregnant. We were both excited. Now im glad im not
Hes gone for a 5am jog. Says he wont be messaging her until we are all good. Well buddy, you are in for a hell of a chat when you get back. Im just getting angrier as time goes by.
Ive had about an hour sleep. Feel even more sick that i was before all of this.

Not Just Friends is a really good book all about some of these issues with boundaries.

He won’t message her ‘until you are all good’?!
Is he having a laugh? This idiot hasn’t got a clue, is he normally this dense?

Give him hell OP

Why can’t he just not message her. I’m sorry but if this was me I’d be so hurt. How dare he sit and message another women when it’s your time together. Yes have friends but come on?? My DP is my best friend (cheesy I know) but I couldn’t imagine wanting to talk to any one more than I do him.
Don’t take any rubbish. If this was innocent he’d be able to go 5 minutes without talking to her!!!!

Your manipulative P is emotionally cheating right under your nose. He is going to downplay his infidelity because he is determined to continue building his connection with OW. He is thrilled with it.

He is making a mockery of you, OP. I wouldn’t tolerate this for one more minute. Why give him another opportunity to gaslight you? Send him away.

The current APfree 20201 thread here might give some good insight into what you aren't seeing yet.

5am jog

Got his phone on him? Guess who he'll be ringing!

Don't put up with his bullshit OP

His carrying on like a loved up teenager right under your nose. This is wrong on so many levels. Put your food down its you or her

He is deluded. Also, I couldn’t see in your previous posts. How/why were they out of contact for so long in the first place?

Completely unacceptable behaviour from him absolutely no way would I tolerate this

Terrible behaviour,kick him out and move on x

DH did this and I gave him a deadly serious ultimatum. Me or her.
He chose me and cut her off.
Don’t stand for this BS, have some self respect and make sure you mean it when you say you will leave.

Don't let him turn it on you going on about trust.

Tell him This isn't about trust, this is about boundaries and respect. When your with someone, live with them, have a child with them, are in a relationship with them, love them supposedly...you don't talk to a friend of the opposite sex for hours on the phone, use love hearts on messages etc.

Ask him how he would feel you doing this with a Male friend?

He is totally disrespecting you. It could be totally innocent but it's not the point. Its inappropriate. It needs to stop out of respect for you.

@AnonymousMama1

I honestly dont know what would help. Ive spent days asking myself that exact question. Hes had other female friends hes talked to before but not to this extent and i have been fine with it. I dont know what he talks to he about because he just says “about me and how we met and how serious we are and stuff”. Had told me about where she works and her kid and thats about all. He says back when they were kids he had no interest in her as more than a friend and tells me they were close. She knows his brother too. And that when she was out with her parents that she was speaking to him and she had to tell them they werent dating (wonder what would give them THAT impression) She wants us all to go out for dinner. Me, him, her and our kids as well. I dont know id i could and “play nice” or if I should go and like someone else said see how they interact with each other.

As if all their conversations are about you and him and how you met. Absolute bullshit. He lies like a child and sounds like every cheater/ chancer I've ever met. The dinner is bullshit too, it's literally to make their relationship sound harmless. Personally I would tell him to leave over this. You already know he's deleted some messages...

You are nothing mad. I would not be happy with this at all.

I'm so sorry. It must be awful. I would have it out with him.

How did the chat go, OP?