Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

I'm not sure if I have some sort of sensory overload issue, with having to turn off lights when there's too much noise, hence me wanting to compare.

Do you ever get out on your own ?

He comes in, puts down his keys, takes off his coat and shoes, and comes upstairs to help with bathtime. He takes the younger, dresses him and reads him a story while I read with the oldest then we switch. Then we have dinner together.

I think "yay, DH is home!" Both because I can use the help with the kids and because, you know, I like him.

I don't think your reaction is typical. It seems like you may have some sensory sensitivities and find it hard to cope with the noise and reality of family life and are projecting this on your DH. I can't see what he's done so very wrong in your depiction other than exist while not being you.

DH gets home and we sit straight down to eat. Chat about our days. Then he plays with the kids while I do some housework (i play with them all day!) or ill join in if there isn't much to do. Then it's bed time, we alternate nights. That's it really.

I get sensory overload too. And I hate being a sponge. I think it's fair to let everyone know you need a bit of quiet and space to do things without everyone around.

Ask your DH to come home and take the kids so you can finish dinner. Tell him he needs to engage with everyone at dinner time or get out! And please just explain all this to him. He might not read your annoyance, as much as you want him to. You might just have to spell it out.

If he's a good person then he will absorb this information and act on it.

Can you trace back to when this annoyance with your husband/situation started? Is this (the annoyance, heaviness, frustration) a relatively new thing or can you trace it back?

What strikes me is that you feel overloaded, over burdened and resentful of your role in this dynamic. Perhaps your husband wouldn’t be irritating you to the same extent if you’d had a busy and enjoyable day.

I don’t have kids so I don’t think my experience would be useful in this scenario but it’s not like this. Usually glad to see him and chat over our day.

But I’ll wade in anyway! and say you desperately need a break, you sound at the end of your tether. FWIW I don’t think he’s doing anything inherently bad, but you sound like you have nothing left in the tank and he wants yet more attention from you, rather than reading and responding to your needs. You’re dreading the straw coming home to break the camel’s back.

You probably have but literally say ‘this is what I need from you every evening’ and leave for a walk when he gets home, depending on what time he walks in? Push dinner back a bit?

Is it the noise specifically that stresses you?

He needs to do more generally so your not tapped out completely by early eve?

OP sounds like you need to talk with your OH and make sure that each day after he’s come in, you get some space. Perhaps after dinner. In an ideal world, after tea you go off to your bedroom or another free room in your house and just have some time to sit and decompress or whatever you do. Turn the lights off, meditate, look at your phone, drink a glass of wine in solitude. And he takes care of clearing up and watching the kids.

I get sensory overload so I sympathise.

If it’s tricky for whatever reason, like he’s incapable of looking after tbe kids for a few minutes then do it once every 2 days. At least then you’ll know you have some time and space to look forward to. Perhaps word it to him that you feel like you’re going mad by this point in the day, and to be the best mum and wife, you just need this little slot of time.

Any reasonable, loving partner would do it for you. He doesn’t need to understand it, just do it.

Op I get this with my partner . Also when it's near his time to come home I get it too and also when he walks in . Are you happy in your marriage ? I come close to having a breakdown a few weeks back and what you have said I felt the same way just before I nearly cracked up . We women do way too much for everyone and nothing for ourselves and it just gets too much xxx

I get worse sensory sensitivity when I’m stressed about something completely unrelated OP.
Could it be symptomatic of something deeper?
Are you at all happy in your marriage? Are there also good parts?

Dh comes in from work, although wfh atm so emerges from his office. He makes dinner whilst I finish any school work with dd. He then loads the dishwasher whilst I supervise dd’s shower. We then sit down and play something with dd for half an hour before bed.

I don't have any sensory issues like you do but I do get the feeling of dread when I hear him approaching. I am not pleased he's home.
We seem very much in the same boat - with him offloading to me, he'll drone on and on about people I neither know or care about for absolutely ages.
Then he'll nitpick about what has or hasn't been done, how I did it and why. Etc etc.
Whinge after whinge.
Never asks what I'm doing or feeling. He honestly doesn't have a clue what's going on in my world and I'm past the point of even attempting to explain anything.

I can't see that he's done anything that terrible too although it sounds like you are crying out for him to sweep him and take the kids and himself away from you for a while. If this is true why not voice it?

Asking him not to stand in front of the cupboards reminds me very much of my daughter who does this all the time whilst I'm cooking and she wants to chat to me. Its absent minded and not malicious. Most times I just grab a glass of wine and sit down and listen and chat to her for 5 minutes then go back to making tea?

The thing is that you know what’s going to happen when he comes home, do you go straight to overload. I understand it as I had this when the kids kicked off when they were young.
You need to change what happens when he comes home.

Sorry, hadn't finished.

I know that feeling dread when I hear him coming isn't normal.
I'm pretty sure we're done but covid has chucked a spanner in the works. I'm a bit trapped for now but I'm making my plans to go.

DH gets home, scoops baby for a quick cuddle (mechanic so usually filthy), goes for a long shit & shower. Gets dressed,'leaves trail of dirty clothes and towel upstairs. He usually cooks our dinner whilst I bathe & settle baby. I put her to bed and come down in time for dinner. I do the dishes, sort the dogs food/water out, let him out then lockup and go up to bed. DH is usually staring at his phone/Xbox whilst I do all of this.

I’m not working atm so our current evening routine looks like this...

DH comes in and kisses the dog who is jumping all over him. He cracks a joke about wishing I was that excited to see him. He gives me a kiss and asks how my day has been. I tell him (nothing exciting, I’m in lockdown) and ask about his day.

DS wanders in to stick his head in the fridge and ask what’s for dinner and chat with us.

While I’m cooking DS sets the table, and DH goes upstairs to do some press ups, get a shower, and generally takes 30 minutes to decompress.

We sit at the table for dinner - phones aren’t allowed, and we just chat shit basically.

After dinner DS clears the table and loads the dishwasher, DH wipes up and then we all crash in front of the TV/laptop.

It doesn’t sound like you get any time to yourself to decompress at all. I get a bit like you, when it’s too noisy, too many lights, too much chatter, it’s like I need to switch something off. But we are a generally quiet house, only child who is an older teenager and e.g. last night we turned the tv off at 8.30 because there was nothing on and DH and I were both reading while DS watched something in his laptop with headphones on.

If dh comes home when I am cooking the first thing he always says is ‘what can I do to help?’

It would drive me mad if he stood around and talked at me while I was trying to think about dinner. Not to say that we don’t have a nice chat if it’s at a point where I don’t have to think, but I don’t think YABU to find it stressful.

Do I like him?
Sometimes,no.
I feel like his mother. Perhaps if there was more conversation and intimacy from him when the kids were in bed then I wouldn't feel like this. But, as soon as the kids are asleep, he shuts himself in the spare room where he will do his online hobby or watch action films.
I feel like he's acting like a teenager, following me around, talking about his own day and not listening to mine, having to be reminded to pay attention to the DCs, spending a long time on the toilet and then skulking off to his room in the evenings to do his own thing.
I feel used.

Forgot to add - my husband comes in from work, kisses me, offers to put the kettle on and will then ask me how my day was and tell me about his. He NEVER cooks though he's rubbish at it so its swings and roundabouts, sometimes I'd like him to.

I feel stressed out when there are too many lights and lots of loud devices on OP, I think that's pretty normal when you are trying to process lots going on at once. I'm forever turning the big light off and putting lamps on/ turning tv down etc

If you are the type of person who needs to not be bombarded when everyone is at home that's perfectly fine. Just say to DH he stays in lounge with kids when he gets through the door whilst you make a coffee for you both - kids can offload on him, then you can sit and have a coffee with him whilst you BOTH talk about respective days. Then he's in charge of entertaining the kids whilst you make tea in peace. Tell him to take his 20 minute shit at work.

Sometimes similar happens in my house, but I'm very blunt and tell my dp when he is annoying me. Sometimes he comes in and disappears because I'm still working (childminder), sometimes he has a quick chat.
I have learned to make it obvious that I'm not really listening and they tend to disappear.

Yabu. Seems fine to me just your problem is you don't communicate your needs to him, after all he's not a mind reader.

@Honeybobbin

I was going to say the same as respectabitch... he doesn't sound all that awful, most people would see it as nice that he comes and chats to you while you're cooking. I think you just don't like him.

That's not chatting. That's talking at someone. He's offloading. He is not interested in the OP, her day or his children. He is using her as a sounding board.

I think the lights thing sound like you have sensory issues but all the rest sounds absolutely depressing and infuriating

DJ gets home. Hugs us all, asks about our day. Makes me a cup of tea or gets me some wine and sends me upstairs to have a bath in peace while he looks after the little ones and sorts their dinner

Sometimes he’ll make our dinner too other times I will

I’m excited when he’s home as it means some alone time for me