Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

He's shutting himself away because every interaction with you is negative.

He comes in, washes his hands, gives me a kiss, DD a kiss and ruffles the dog. He then goes for a shower and a change.

Then he makes dinner for us all, I sit at the breakfast bar and we discuss our days and any other on going things. Then we eat and we both scroll on our phones while tv is on in the background and chit chat with each other and DD.

He walks through the door and greets whoever is home. Goes to the loo, gets changed and starts making dinner.

I feel relieved he is home! He is my favourite person in the world, but also because he can take over the kids!
I don’t think your husband sounds particularly bad but I definitely think you are over loaded. With nothing “fun” to look forward to at the moment life definitely feels like a slog. In normal times the mumsnet response of “book into a spa for a few nights” is wheeled out lol, but it definitely sounds like you need more of a break. Maybe you could have 2 nights a week where you have a super easy dinner and you have cheese and crackers in your room watching a film while he takes over the minute he walks in the door. It doings a bit shit but at the moment, might be enough to give you some space.

@FippertyGibbett

The thing is that you know what’s going to happen when he comes home, do you go straight to overload. I understand it as I had this when the kids kicked off when they were young. You need to change what happens when he comes home.

I think this could help too. How about if, when he comes home, you haven't started making dinner - you make a cup of tea and sit in the lounge and chat for 20 minutes. Then one of you makes dinner and the other deals with the kids.

I used to enjoy mealtimes as it was the one time we were all doing something together in some kind of orderly fashion. We'd discuss something together, so everyone was focused on one thing. Exh was usually either not there at all or entirely silent, however.

One thing my ex wife never could understand despite many conversations about it, was the idea that it was not necessarily easy to just instantly flip the switch from work to home responsibilities the second I walked in the door. There was never any feeling of reconnection after a day apart, and after a while, going home from work was something I was obligated to not, not really something I wanted to do.

Before Covid - Comes in, kisses me, spends 10 mins telling the cats he’s missed them, drinks the tea I have made. Gets changed.
Plays X box.
An hour approx passes.........
Eats the dinner I prepare.

I sit on the sofa.

He then clears the table, washes up, wipes down the kitchen, does the bins, sorts a washing for the morning. Brings me a cuppa. Does the litter tray if needed again.

Works for us.

During Covid - same as above, he just comes out of the office/dining room instead.

Hmmm. Tbh, he doesn't sound that bad. Kind of standard. It's nice that he wants to share with you. It's hard not to conclude that you don't really like him very much. I can't remember what it was like when my husband came home from work, as he has been working from home for nearly a year. We have had much more significant problems with him losing his temper with the kids, as he has zero time to switch from "important work person" to "these are not your employees, they will not jump when you bark at them aggressively, and they are 5 years old"...

Well, in non-Covid times, I often get in from work later than him, and he virtually always does the cooking, whoever is home first, because he likes it and is a good cook. We have a glass of wine together, and talk to DS, though we're both still often on work mode for a bit.

At the moment we both work primarily from home, though he still travels for work at times on a professional exemption to do with his field, but I'm up in my study waiting for someone to approve something so I can send it, and he's downstairs cooking and wrangling DS. I've earned a bit more work time, as he was away most of the day for work, so I was dealing with homeschooling...

I'm really shocked at the number of people who don't think that's bad!

He shows no interest in you whatsoever. As you say, it's as though you're his mum, just there to keep the household going.

If he's not spending any time with you in the evening, what's the bloody point in him being there?

You don’t like him so that’s your problem
Why stay together if he doesn’t act like a partner?

@hollowtalk I have to admit, I'm upset at the responses.

I'm wondering why I'm not coping very well and thinking there must be something wrong with me.

@Seenyouontele

Do I like him? Sometimes,no. I feel like his mother. Perhaps if there was more conversation and intimacy from him when the kids were in bed then I wouldn't feel like this. But, as soon as the kids are asleep, he shuts himself in the spare room where he will do his online hobby or watch action films. I feel like he's acting like a teenager, following me around, talking about his own day and not listening to mine, having to be reminded to pay attention to the DCs, spending a long time on the toilet and then skulking off to his room in the evenings to do his own thing. I feel used.

I was going to say something a bit different, but this makes me feel like he really needs to sort himself out as a partner.

It does sound like you might have some sensory issues going on, although to be fair, kids asking for your attention, dh in the way and yapping at you, trying to cook - there's a lot going on for anyone.

I think I’ve read a different OP to some posters too.

He sounds like a self absorbed arse who shows no genuine interest in his wife to me!

Genuinely curious .. do people’s husbands actually come home from work and do the dinner ? Are you guys working full time too ? I would not be impressed if my dh expected me to make dinner when he’s stay at home one , after a full day at work . Understandable , if both work full time etc I guess some might say sahm is a full time job but I’d see that as also making dinner ( as part of that role ) . Definitely on weekends etc I do dinner and I serve up dessert / tea etc at night - but if I walked in and was expected to do dinner and kids after work - erm no

To add, he does sound like he thinks you're his mum.

@Seenyouontele

Do I like him? Sometimes,no. I feel like his mother. Perhaps if there was more conversation and intimacy from him when the kids were in bed then I wouldn't feel like this. But, as soon as the kids are asleep, he shuts himself in the spare room where he will do his online hobby or watch action films. I feel like he's acting like a teenager, following me around, talking about his own day and not listening to mine, having to be reminded to pay attention to the DCs, spending a long time on the toilet and then skulking off to his room in the evenings to do his own thing. I feel used.

This sounds awful OP. I am sorry. Time for a serious chat I think. Take care OP. It must be seriously testing your patience. You can't carry on like this so your only option now is to talk face to face, be honest and try and work through whatever has made you drift apart.

@HollowTalk

I'm really shocked at the number of people who don't think that's bad!

He shows no interest in you whatsoever. As you say, it's as though you're his mum, just there to keep the household going.

If he's not spending any time with you in the evening, what's the bloody point in him being there?

Me, too. He doesn't seem like an equal partner in the household, or an equal fellow-parent, he is totally uninterested in what she has to say, and avoids interacting with the children or making dinner by strategic toilet visits or closeting himself away to game or watch films.

The OP appears to fulfill some kind of domestic function, somewhere between a nanny, housekeeper, washing machine and therapist.

I would boil over with everyone demanding my attention and going on at me while I’m trying to cook. DP does this sometimes. I need silence at the end of the day, especially after a day working with people whether online or in person, I need to decompress, I don’t want someone droning on at me about people I neither know nor care about.

I easily get a sensory overload, it comes from issues with my hearing but it doesn't stress me out. But, when I am stressed or frazzled it seems to be an issue as I struggle to gather my thoughts effectively. Usually just 5 minutes meditation (breathing exercise type stuff) sorts it nicely.

DH comes home, kisses girls and me, then cuddles cats, chats mindlessly, whilst he makes me and him a hot drink, sets kids up on ipads and goes to have shower so I either prep family dinner or just for the girls as some nights we eat super late and watch our shows and do other stuff on nights where he's not been at work 12 hours . DH takes over with girls/tidying up when he is down.

Your DH sounds like he is offloading his day on his rock- you. It can become a lot so just lead him upstairs to his shower/shit as he gets home so HE is ready when he comes back down the stairs to help you. Feed kids first then palm them off with tablets. You and DH in dinner in peace some nights and you will notice a shift.

I understand that feeling of frantic when DH walks through the door but as long as you are happy to see him it may just be a lockdown behaviour which pisses you off as each day is the same and we all feel a bit like we are drowning in one thing or another. If it's this, just have a conversation after kids are in bed and outline a better homecoming routine to suit you both. If you're not at all happy he is home and you think he is being selfish then you may need to have a more serious talk and seek some support. Good luck OP!

I think you sound overloaded and exhausted. Do you have much opportunity to be by yourself? Maybe to get up before the children or rest for an hour on your own at night?

I don't think your husband is behaving badly, I think he wants to offload or maybe he thinks you'd want to be brought up to date on his day. Either way, you need to be listened to too and he needs to recognise that. Talk to him about this before or builds too much.

If I've been working all day and my husband has been home with the children I like to offload and decompress too.

I hope you're okay.

I think this could help too. How about if, when he comes home, you haven't started making dinner - you make a cup of tea and sit in the lounge and chat for 20 minutes. Then one of you makes dinner and the other deals with the kids

This.

I am the same as you o/p. Too much going in and I just want to scream at everyone to fuck off and leave me alone.

It sounds like your evening is squidged into a small space of time. Spread it out.

I can’t cook and eat unless there’s nothing else needs doing. So dh would come home, we’d feed the kids, bath, bed, chat. Then sit down for dinner.

Either utilise your slow cooker or prep the night before, or one of you meal preps while the other deals with the kids.

But it sound like you need to make half an hour when he gets in to chill and adjust before starting with jobs...

I doesn't sound like a very happy household........I'm not surprised he's zoning out.

In your situation id prioritise making time for myself. There's absolutely nothing stopping you going for a walk in the evening and letting him deal with dinner. Could you outsource some things ? Something like gousto boxes so that doesn't have to be thought about. Or even a cleaner for a few hours a week.

But FFS talk to him before you both end up pissed off and resentful and there's no way of fixing things.

Sometimes, without even realising we fall into roles. Yours sounds like the role of put up on martyr, he's firmly in the role of being useless and probably not even knowing why most the time.

DH comes in, kisses and hugs for me and the baby, takes over feeding her if she isn’t done or picks her up if she is. Plays with her while I tidy up the kitchen. Goes for a quick change, we take the baby for a short walk where we talk about our days, he always asks after mine even though I’m not doing anything interesting. Come home he carries on spending time with the baby while I do a whizz around. We do bath bedtime routine together, he finishes tidying up baby’s things (towels nappy bins etc) I get dinner on, we eat and then crash out on sofa together.

I’m always happy to see him, and I feel seen by him too.it sounds like you don’t feel seen.

You're both bored, that's all.

Switch it up a bit. Get him to cook twice a week, you cook twice a week, get a takeaway one night, feed the kids early one night and have a grown up meal together later, that sort of thing.

You just need to talk to each other and plan how to change the monotony of it all.