Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

He is stuck in habitual patterns and doesn't change his behaviour.

I think you're both stuck in patterns and neither of you are changing your behaviour. It's ok to have needs. It's ok to get those needs met.

It would drive me mad too all those people in the kitchen whilst trying to cook, even the dog knows to stay out of my way at dinner time..... as do my children unless they are helping which they are welcome to.... but it's just rude to not help and just stand there waffling on....

I do think you should talk to him about it... and ask him to cook 3 times a week
Or take the kids off to play whilst you do!

And as for the hobbies etc if he doesn't want to end up divorced I'd tell him exactly how you feel

@Seenyouontele

The whole MN issue of "drip feeding" drives me mad. Nobody can include every single detail of their lives in the OP.

And I also don't think that him being at home on a working day makes much difference anyway.

No, but its quite a significant detail!

@OP. Have some big hugs. You sound truly miserable. Something needs to change but you sound too tired and ground down to initiate that right now. On the plus side, your husband sounds thoughtless more than anything but that’s quite a biggie if it persists. He probably has no idea how much you are doing (not that he has any excuse for that). Can you maybe write him a nice note suggesting that after the kids are in bed that instead of doing his hobby, you both sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine for a chat. You can then tell him simply how miserable you are feeling and ask for his help. Just that. Let him figure out why, and what he can change. You need to talk. Good luck.

You sound very intense OP. Have a glass of wine and enjoy your family

When mine were that age the dc would have eaten as dh didn't get in until almost half six. He would say hello to us all and dish out hugs and kisses. He would either see what needed doing and get on with it or ask me what I'd like him to do. We'd eat after the kids were in bed. We had three under five so when ours were 7 we had a five and a three year old too so at times one would cook our food and one sort the kids. We would then talk. If dh was in the arm rarely, I'd ask him to sit and stay still.

You need space and you need to tell him what he needs to do for you when he gets in, to make your evenings less stressful. He's coming into your work space if you are at home more than him with the children.

In the way, not arm.

@SinkGirl I wasn’t being sodding judgemental i was asking what the norm was - I was surprised so many posters hubby’s did so much while working too. I just wouldn’t personally feel up to doing that after a day in the city (pre covid) of course everyone has different circumstances but I meant generally do a lot of husbands (or wives) cook and basically take over after working all day . No need to take everything so personally

@Wheresmykimchi

OP - what would DH say?

He comes in from work to tell you about a stressful day and you turn the lights off, tell him to move in front of cupboards....

Doesn't sound good at all.

Can the OP go to her husband's workplace (she's cooking dinner - that's her workplace) and start venting about her day, whilst standing in his way?

Why can't he come in, they greet each other. He maybe gets a drink and then goes to spend time with his DC till the meal is ready.

Then they talk to the children and each other over dinner. One clears up, one sees to the DC.

They can then discuss their day when the children are in bed.

Do you properly sit down and talk about it? If it's everyday I would hate that too.

@Sway19

You sound very intense OP. Have a glass of wine and enjoy your family

OP - basically, Put Up and Shut Up.

@Nanny0gg I don't disagree there's an issue (although I think your workplace analogy is a stretch) but I can equally see it from his side , her behaviour is bizarre.

I’m home at 4, he at 6pm. I’m normally making dinner and he comes home, kisses me, we ask about each other’s day, he talks to teen DC if around. He changes out of his clothes and we sit down to eat. After 24 years married I still feel a little bit of excitement when I hear his car pull up.

When dc were little I was a sahm. He’d get in and immediately help with feeding and bath time.

Do you think that this is a new thing, as in frustrations within a family, and not much to your liking. Its been like this for years and years in some marriages, except that there was no forums and social media to complain about such things. You just have to speak out, and get sorted if you wan't to change things.

Ooh er op. DH, DC grown now, can be a demanding, selfish pig. However even now when we hear the key in the lock we still all go "it's daddy" in a trilly sort of way. Has he ever helped no. Has he ever been a pain in the arsenal, sometimes a bit. But generally we are all pleased to see him and on the whole he makes us happy.

It sounds like absolute hell tbh.

I don't have a partner but I would want man to come in, muck right on with whatever needs doing /dinner/kids contribute to the smooth running of the household and then once they are in bed ask each other and tell each other about our days. Your dh from the sounds of it sounds just like a kid and it would drive me insane, like what's the point Its just another person to look after

Feed the kids earlier, then have a later more grown up time with DH (with reheated meals)?

Creating a bit of quality time together?

Why eat as a family if it does not work for you

That’s what we did

Pre lockdown
We meet at the gym, he teaches the kids class which my dds attend then we train for 2 hours, next to each other with different partners but maybe spar with each other. The dds do their homework at a desk in the gym during this time. Then we all come home, dds go to bed (I've fed before we leave) and he and I chill.

In lockdown
He wfh some days , so will work in our room until 5, walk the dogs with me, I'll make dinner and he insists on cleaning / washing up

He will clean the house while I work

I've not RTFT so I'm really sorry if I've asked stuff already asked, ignore me if that's the case!

How old are the kids? We don't have every meal with the kids (more than half with them, but a few just us) and that helps. We ate with them less when they were younger, partly due to the time DH used to get home (not an issue now), but also partly due to the fact I was with them all bloody day and my head was going to explode. But I was always happy to see him mainly because when they were little I'd say 'this belongs to you now' and hand him a small person in relief

These days, DH comes down from the office, and I say 'Oh finally, can I get you a beer so I can have a glass of wine?' then depending on the day, I dish up the family dinner, or we both go out and have some fresh air.

Perhaps just have a word and say 'when you come in could you xyz?'

The biggest thing we've discussed is, he loves having the radio on, and when the kids leave the room I just crave silence, so now he asks if i'm ok to have the radio on. Mostly I'm fine (it's amazing how just having somebody consider your feelings on something so small helps) but some days I ask for 5 mins, and he goes and lights the fire, or something to give me chance to recover from the fact my house is full of noise and stupid school questions.

Just seen they're 7 and 3, oh god, feed them earlier at least a few nights a week. It doesn't make you a bad parent to not want to eat every meal with them, especially right now!

I love eating with the kids on the nights we do, but they're conversation can still be inane and mind numbing when I just want to chill after a long day. xx

@cosmicbabe

I wonder if this is situational and how people have been bought up. As I'm of you mum was a house wife and did everything you may tend to do this out of habit. Where as a full time working parent may not have time to do all the chores?...

But ultimately I think if you dread someone coming to your home I'd change this.. especially as it's your husband. For both your sanity's

Ours is nothing like either of us were raised, we just did what suited us. Something like this might help you OP:

When dcs were little we had a timetable
4pm I make dinner for dcs/batch cook
4.30pm Kids eat at table. I sit with them and give them my full attention (and teach table manners, etc.)
5pm Kids help clear table/wash up tidy up toys, etc.
5.15pm DH home, excited to see kids, they're excited to see him, I leave them to it and put my feet up/have a break, de-stress
5.30pm DH goes upstairs to change, kids follow and they all play upstairs
6pm DH bathes the dcs, I get anything that's needed for next day sorted.
6.30pm They all come down and DH reads story in living room. Youngest snuggled up to me.
6.45pm DH takes youngest up and spends time 1-1 tucking into bed time whilst I have 1-1 time with eldest downstairs
7pm DH takes eldest up and has 1-1 tucking into bed time
7.15pm DH cooks/reheats dinner and we eat in peace and catch up with each other.
8pm watch tv together or do separate activities, whatever we want really the rest of the evening is downtime. If chores need doing we both whiz through the necessities and then chill.

Just adjust it to make sure you get adult social time and alone downtime.

Of course if you don't like your dh none of that will help.

Your OP reminds me of my DF. When I was a DC I remember he would come in from work and talk none stop about his day, so much so that 45 years later I could name every single one of his colleagues, who was having an affair with who, going for promotion etc. My DM was a teacher and she would just absorb everything, a bit like a sponge as you have said. It was a standing joke that my DF would walk around the loung and punctuate silences with news flashes of information but when you spoke a far away look would form on his face. I loved my DF as did my DSIS and my DM, but he definitely needed to come home and offload. He had a very senior position in government and I beleive that this was his coping strategy, doed your DH have a high powered career?

I can imagine finding more and more extra work to keep him in the summer house until dinner time if he isn't wanted at all when he had finished work.

I assume he hasn't really chatted to anyone all day besides work chats.