Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

@burnoutbabe

I can imagine finding more and more extra work to keep him in the summer house until dinner time if he isn't wanted at all when he had finished work.

I assume he hasn't really chatted to anyone all day besides work chats.

This.

And he walks in and OP turns the lights off , nags him for where he's standing , and then despite actively wanting silence at the dinner table to breathe nags him for zoning out or being on his own phone.

I don't know why so many people are so actively supportive of OP here.

It’s not you @Seenyouontele or because you don’t love him enough (wtf).

It’s him and the fact you only exist to fill his needs. There is no reciprocity and no involvement as a father and a partner
You are expected to give attention to everyone but no one gives you any attention..

OP my friend was just like this. They didn't have kids but she had/has a tough demanding job but he would come in and it didn't matter what she was doing/watching, he off loaded about his day and the shit he's had to deal with and if she interrupted, he started again. He would then wander off, get his tea, feeling better that he's off loaded and she sat there exhausted. She said it was like Groundhog Day.

It got to the point where, just like you, she felt it as soon as she heard his key in the door. They're not married anymore, not just for that but it was a big factor. Not saying this is the answer to your problem but you need to sort it.

I can only suggest what I did to my husband which was point out that he rarely asked about my day, it was all me me me. Not quite sure why it sunk in with him but he started noticeably stopped talking about himself and would ask how my day was.

I hope you get it sorted as I know how you feel and I know how my friend felt (she's much happier and when she bumps into him, he's still the same so no hope for some!)

@Wheresmykimchi and when exactely is the OP getting the opportunity to talk 1- about her day and 2- to another adult?

Why should the OP make her DH welcomed but somehow it’s ok for him not to return the favour? Or expect him to fall into his role as a father and partner? Aka helping to cook dinner and dealing with the kids instead of just being in the way, making things harder for the op and then disappearing for a shit.
He could have talked to her whilst doing all that . I’m sure the OP would then have been able to listen rather than feeling under huge pressure to be and do everything at once n

[quote TonMoulin]@Wheresmykimchi and when exactely is the OP getting the opportunity to talk 1- about her day and 2- to another adult?

Why should the OP make her DH welcomed but somehow it’s ok for him not to return the favour? Or expect him to fall into his role as a father and partner? Aka helping to cook dinner and dealing with the kids instead of just being in the way, making things harder for the op and then disappearing for a shit.
He could have talked to her whilst doing all that . I’m sure the OP would then have been able to listen rather than feeling under huge pressure to be and do everything at once n[/quote]
Then she needs to discuss it with him and compromise. He sounds as fed up and as ignored as she does and I can see both sides.

I hear DH pull up on the drive, I head to the door unless I'm in the middle of something, we kiss, hug, ask how each other are. He takes off his coat and shoes, I ask how work was, we head to the kitchen for dinner, he asks what I've been up to. While we chat he's getting cutlery ready for dinner, bringing stuff to the table, making us drinks. We keep it light and affectionate.

He works full time, long, hard days. He doesn't come in and moan about how he's had such a rough day, he doesn't sit down and say 'you don't work, you should do all the cleaning'. When we're together we work together, the house is a joint responsibility. We know when the best time to have a whinge or complain is, and it's certainly not the second we see each other.

If we're having a rough day, want quiet or dim lighting, we just say it and eat in comfortable silence or with quiet music on.

Communication is key, tell him he's not meeting your needs, ask him how to meet his. Set aside some time after the kids have gone to bed to sit down with a cup of tea and ask how work was, keep the first moments he comes home light- get the kids to show him something they did in the day to get him to engage. Then when you sit down encourage the kids to speak to him, 'tell Dad about what you've done today'. Get them to offload to him for once. Then when the kids are occupied or in bed, you can have adult conversation without distractions. Try to steer the conversations so they aren't all directed at you.

So he comes home, talks at you and you dismiss him.

Then later, you talk at him and he doesn’t listen to you.

Sounds like crap communication all around.

@Wheresmykimchi This guy didn’t engage with ANYONE at all.
Not his dwife, not his dcs.

What will a compromise be? For her to stop everything to listen to his godly person in the hope he will act at 50% as a father and partner? (Eg talk to his kids and parent them)

Compromise happens when both parties are somehow INVOLVED in a process but would like different things from it. He is not involved. What does he have to compromise on?
(FWIW him doing half of what he should do as a father would already be a huge compromise)

What you hinting at is what would happen in a more BALANCED relationship. Which it clearly isn’t

That sounds exactly like ex dp. He has ADHD, combined type, so will waffle on for hours about the most uninteresting things imaginable with himself, his thoughts, his needs at the centre of every story. He can hyper focus on things like the TV, phone or even his own thoughts so he will 'zone out' and be totally oblivious to his surroundings.

He also can't tell (or doesn't care) if the other person is bored or getting flustered by the constant stream of consciousness monologue. He interrupts, doesn't listen or will focus on the wrong detail of a story I'm telling him to the point I eventually get angry and give up.

I completely, 100% understand you op. I find it almost physically painful to be bombarded with ex dp's talking and the dc screaming at the same time (the dc know he steals the limelight so will play up to compete for my attention). I only have to put up with it one evening a week and it leaves me feeling exhausted. As you live together, you need to sit him down and tell him you're overloaded at the end of the day and need him to take over the kids and save the brain dump for when it's just the two of you. If he doesn't listen then you'll just have to be assertive and maybe rude to get him to shut up. You're mental health and feelings are just as important as his and he doesn't get to drain your energy to replenish his.

[quote TonMoulin]@Wheresmykimchi This guy didn’t engage with ANYONE at all.
Not his dwife, not his dcs.

What will a compromise be? For her to stop everything to listen to his godly person in the hope he will act at 50% as a father and partner? (Eg talk to his kids and parent them)

Compromise happens when both parties are somehow INVOLVED in a process but would like different things from it. He is not involved. What does he have to compromise on?
(FWIW him doing half of what he should do as a father would already be a huge compromise)

What you hinting at is what would happen in a more BALANCED relationship. Which it clearly isn’t[/quote]
But what is OP doing to rectify the situation apart from making him feel even more of a burden? There is no evidence of any effort on her part and some of her behaviour is bizarre.

Well I can tell you are a bit stressed OP. But I must admit I read it feelings kind of sad that other people have husbands who come in and want to chat to them rather than just sit and look at their phones

@burnoutbabe

I can imagine finding more and more extra work to keep him in the summer house until dinner time if he isn't wanted at all when he had finished work.

I assume he hasn't really chatted to anyone all day besides work chats.

Whereas OP has had numerous fulfilling relaxing chats with.... ?

He doesn't want to chat to her though, Bluegot, he wants to chat at her - he isn't engaging or even trying to engage with her in any meaningful way.

You are in the middle of the witching hour, it is loud, busy time and stressful. Your children are just as demanding now as a baby, cooking, juggling DC demands. Your DH seem oblivious to the demands of that hour, and retreats once he has been fed. He is a manchild in his own right.
As much as I love my DH he can get under my feet, standing around the kitchen loading his day about unknowns from the office who he assumes I remember and all their idiosyncratic details; at that point in time I give little care. Later in the evening I am more receptive.
Communication 101 is having a willing listener and speaker.
Kitchens are bright and hard surfaces, noise and light bounces around.
I need to retreat to a softer light to help relax. I suggest you need similarlynto be heard your self, communucation both ways and adukt relax together.

@AliciafromGalicia

He doesn't want to chat to her though, Bluegot, he wants to chat at her - he isn't engaging or even trying to engage with her in any meaningful way.

He wants to unload.

Is that not allowed now?

Much of your post resonates with me op. I have now concluded I am a highly sensitive person (perhaps there is more to this and sensory issues at play). I love my dc very much and try to give them quality time but I often feel overwhelmed and need to extract myself to get some head space.

My issue is a bit different in that my husband helps around the house but doesn't communicate with me. Our relationship is dysfunctional and I am in an unhappy place but feel unable to make changes any time soon (small dc involved and absolutely no support network amongst other things). I have a reason to dislike my husband but I manage to keep it together and it's like a housemate situation - I could honestly be living with a robot. I have a teen who talks 'at me' like this, so I totally get how this feels. The sense of isolation is crushing and also the sense that no-one really cares as my husband said tonight when I commented about something - no-one is interested. I am a sahm and I have not developed any proper social circles. I can't seem to bring myself to tell the few good friends I have how I'm actually feeling, I just try to keep myself busy and I've promised to look after myself the best I can and find things I enjoy when my pre-schooler starts school (I am also waiting to commence counselling when face to face counselling resumes).

Incidentally, I used to rush to the door when my husband returned home from work etc. Things can change quickly...I never imagined it would turn out this way.

Not sure what to add op, just to say, you are not alone.

@Wheresmykimchi,
I’d say HE needs to change?
What can the OP do? Point out he needs to step up? But I suspect she has already done that.
And tbh someone as self centered as that would enrage me. He shouldn’t need to be told to talk to his dcs, help cook the meal. (rather than staying in the way)
It’s not rocket science

I presume he’s wanted as a partner, a lover, an equal, as company, as a husband and as a fellow parent. Not as an extra mental load for OP to deal with

Who needs someone else to mummy, especially a grown man?

[quote TonMoulin]@Wheresmykimchi,
I’d say HE needs to change?
What can the OP do? Point out he needs to step up? But I suspect she has already done that.
And tbh someone as self centered as that would enrage me. He shouldn’t need to be told to talk to his dcs, help cook the meal. (rather than staying in the way)
It’s not rocket science[/quote]
I agree.

But I don't think he's a villain here. They have different expectations.

Given that OP is asking what other people's routines are and not if he's unreasonable , it doesn't appear clear she knows what she wants either. Nothing he is doing is right.

I think this is incompatibility as opposed to badness.

Oh and I should add, my husband retreats to do his hobby and watch stuff I'm not interested in on the TV. Usually I end up on mumsnet. Rinse and repeat.

I would find your situation of being talked at pretty hard to handle, judging by how my teen leaves me feeling at the end of one of her monologues.

Btw @Wheresmykimchi, he IS a burden.
I’m not sure why the op should go to length to convince him he isn’t when he is like a guest in his own home

I have had countless discussions with him about our marriage failing and us needing to stop this separate-in-the-evenings habit, but he doesn't appear to want it to stop.

I'd say this counts as evidence that OP is trying to do something.

If she's already spoken to him about things and he's ignoring this, then I'd say any further talks will just reinforce his crap behaviour.

I mean, she works 3 days a week, has the DC the rest of the time, including supervising homeschooling, does the vast majority of the chores, and what does he do? He comes in and talks at her not with her. It could be anybody in front of him, it sounds like.

Then he's zoning out at dinner, and hiding away to do his stuff. Where is there any evidence he actually cares about his wife?

As he's currently working from home, he can use what would have been the commuting time towards decompressing without impacting on the OP.

My own commute is a minimum of 45 mins each way, and now that I'm wfh, I get up later in the morning (still at my desk for the normal time), and use what would have been my commute home to read for a bit. Then I can get on with interacting with everyone.

My ex could be like this, he didn't care what I had to do as long as he wasn't asked to help. I'd get home from work maybe 5-10 mins before him, and while I'd be sorting dinner as well as DC, he'd be swanning off to change and then plonk his arse down leaving to do everything. And he wasn't being thoughtless, he knew he was opting out, and when dinner, etc, was almost done, I'd get a call "can I help with anything" when he was sure that nothing then needed doing because I'd done it all.

Having gone back and re-read all OP's posts, it's clear to me her DH is not interested in reconnecting with his DW, and I think separation is on the cards.

XPost.

Different expectations?
What sort of expectations does the op have that is unreasonable in any shape or form?

@TonMoulin

Btw *@Wheresmykimchi*, he IS a burden. I’m not sure why the op should go to length to convince him he isn’t when he is like a guest in his own home

Because presumably she loves him?

She dreads him coming in but from the picture she paints I would dread going in.

@TonMoulin

XPost.

Different expectations?
What sort of expectations does the op have that is unreasonable in any shape or form?

I didn't say either was unreasonable. I said they were incompatible.

I couldn't live with OP with how she presents things. others couldn't live with DH. That's life.n