Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

Shift things. Remember why you fell for each other. Batch cook so dinner is quicker to prepare and get the kids to help. Set up a board game for you all to play. Take 20 mins out and read news or whatever online. Ask him what he thinks about it. What is his online hobby? Do you ever show an interest in it? My dog works from home and I come in mid afternoon. I kiss him ask how it's going and make cup of tea and chat for a bit. Our kids are older so emerge looking for food. I listen to their news. They set the table. I help with school stuff (Alevel) as required, potter about. When DH stops work I cook dinner, he rests up, we listen to the news. We eat together, then maybe watch a film, catch up with emails, hobbies. It's about making an effort, treating him how you want to be treated.

I think he sounds off about his day as soon as he walks in as it's the only time of the day (during the week) that we're around each other. So it's always stressy, he talks loudly at a million miles an hour, the 3 year old is always tired and needy at that time, the 7 year old wants to talk too.
He has really fell into a habit of spending evenings alone, this has been going on since the birth of DC2 when I would go to bed early and he would stay up. I have had countless discussions with him about our marriage failing and us needing to stop this separate-in-the-evenings habit, but he doesn't appear to want it to stop.
I can never understand why he has so much to say to me when the DCs are competing for my attention and yet he never takes up the opportunity when they're in bed. It's very odd.

I'm impressed that so many of your DHs cook when they get home. I really don't mind cooking, so it's fine for me to continue doing this, I'd just like a little head space to do so I think.

Comes home. Kisses everyone. Feeds dogs. Has shower. Plays with kids while I make dinner.

Try working full time then you will both be so exhausted there will be zero conversation .
Bolt your meal and then start on the chores and engaging with children/

@Happyone8

Genuinely curious .. do people’s husbands actually come home from work and do the dinner ? Are you guys working full time too ? I would not be impressed if my dh expected me to make dinner when he’s stay at home one , after a full day at work . Understandable , if both work full time etc I guess some might say sahm is a full time job but I’d see that as also making dinner ( as part of that role ) . Definitely on weekends etc I do dinner and I serve up dessert / tea etc at night - but if I walked in and was expected to do dinner and kids after work - erm no

My dh has always cooked the evening meal, even when I was a SAHM for a while.

Fucking hell, people will be suggesting she gets changed into a pretty dress and puts some make up on before he gets home in a minute!

This is not okay. You don't need to make more effort; he does.

[quote Seenyouontele]@hollowtalk I have to admit, I'm upset at the responses.

I'm wondering why I'm not coping very well and thinking there must be something wrong with me.[/quote]
I get you OP.

My DH would wander in and say "So... what have you been doing all day while I've been out working then?" and to be honest I could have screamed at times. I completely lost it with him one day and he did stop saying it after that. He is also adept at standing in my way when I'm busy and insists on telling me (at great length) all about his day. I don't want to know.

It's not you

I'm really torn on this one.

From your OP, he really doesn't sound all that bad, but your update reveals some further problems.

Have you ever sat him down and spoken to him about how you feel and what you'd like to be different?

Yes @vanillandhoney but although he's definitely not malicious at all. He is stuck in habitual patterns and doesn't change his behaviour.

It sounds like a rut. In his defence, you snap at him for helping put something away in the wrong place. He probably feels like he's walking on eggshells. Do you snap or seem annoyed when switching all the lights off etc? Is there a chance he genuinely doesn't want to say the wrong thing and that's why when they are in bed he is on his own, because you don't seem to want to be near him? Maybe he makes effort in front the kids and not when they're asleep as you don't seem to want him to. Saying you feel nauseated by him isn't normal. I honestly don't think he sounds awful! I think you both need to sit and work hard if you want to sort this out. As it's written it's two people tolerating one another for the sake of the kids, and I don't think either side is innocent. Two to make the marriage work, effort on both sides.

I hear you OP, he's not interested in you, when you start talking he switches off but you're expected to listen to him as soon as he gets in the door. My now ex was like this, chuntering on at me for hours but as soon as I wanted to talk about my day he had something else to do - watching telly usually. It doesn't make you feel very good about yourself, you're good enough to listen to their problems but they can't be bothered to do the same for you

I ended it before Christmas after 15 years together

I think it sounds very lonely, he sounds like he's in his own world and isn't paying any attention to you, especially later if he just shuts himself in another room. My evening can be similar to yours at first, although we do have a nice evening together once the kids are asleep. Have you tried any variations to your evening? Is there something that you would look forward to? Can you eat later in the quiet? I've started a routine of having a bath in the dark with the headspace meditation app playing once the kids have had tea, and I ask DH to play with them/listen out if they're playing or I wait till they've gone to sleep. I really look forward to it. If your husband is being selfish then I think turning it round to focus on yourself, make sure you are caring for yourself can help clear your mind to know how to change your situation. It's hard to do that if you're exhausted and overloaded.

@Seenyouontele

Yes *@vanillandhoney* but although he's definitely not malicious at all. He is stuck in habitual patterns and doesn't change his behaviour.

It sounds like you're stuck in a bit of a rut.

He comes home and talks at/to you, which immediately sets you on edge and probably sets the tone for the whole evening as you're annoyed the minute he comes through the door!

I'm not sure how to solve it, though, if he's not willing to listen.

He works from home, always has. So, I come home with child, like a whirlwind into his lovely peace and quiet. I unpack all school shiz (mine and hers), stick stuff in the dishwasher etc, he appears from his office. We sometimes cook together, sometimes one of us does, sometimes child watches telly, sometimes not. We always ask each other how our day was - I suspect that neither of the adults really listen to each other, but we definitely listen to the child tell us about her day. Then we either sit at the table and have dinner, or do teas on knees.

All very boring really.

If he came in from work and went upstairs I’d understand, but the man comes home from work and goes to talk to you, clearly he just wants to spend time with you. I get that he gets in the way (my other half has a habit of this too) but I enjoy his company so I don’t mind too much. I feel like the way you’ve written your post it sounds like you’re waiting for him to do the next thing that will piss you off. I’d give him a break personally, he’s not a mind reader and if you want to rant and have a whinge about your day then tell him. Don’t stew in your own frustration hoping that he’ll notice.

You are seething with anger because of the lack of attention from your husband.
This leads to acting out by ignoring him, just standing there while he rants and offloads, but never really offering your own side of things.
You 'allow' him to go on and on about his day. He assumes you've nothing to say for yourself because you don't demand time to say your piece.
You have taken on the role of listener, of soother of feelings.
Your role is to be the 'attender', your DH's role is to be attended to by you. This was always there between you, but it gets worse when kids come along because the woman then attends to her children but also has to keep up the 'mothering' of her DH.
This 'mothering' continues, and the DH starts acting more like the eldest son in the family who runs to 'mother' to tell her about his day.
The 'mother' continues to put her needs aside more and more, therefore the DH is unaware of her needs as only his needs are attended to. She makes less and less demands on anyone else, and her tendency to be self-reliant gets stronger.
Thus, isolation results.
As the woman's needs go unaddressed she gets more and more withdrawn, resentful, used up, and feels ignored and uncherished.
But she is a factor in this dynamic. It has developed without her really noticing.
You try to signal to him by rummaging in the cupboard behind him, hoping he'll notice the sighs, the thumping of saucepans.
Then when it all gets too much you have to act out and 'take to the bed' to try and get someone to notice. All that gets you is more isolation.
SO, you need to find out what your needs are, and start addressing them. Notice that your DH is not doing this on purpose because he's a selfish bastard, but rather that when he comes to tell you about his day, you stand there and 'allow' that.
Because somewhere in you, a part of you thinks it's safer to make yourself smaller and that you don't to take up deserve equal space in the world.
Just like your mother probably 'allowed' your father to watch the football, to get his dinner handed to him first, to get the best armchair in the room. It's a learned pattern of responding and it can be unlearnt.

He comes in, I am working in upstairs study. Kicks off his shoes and doesn't put them away. Comes straight upstairs, puts phone next to mine, talks annoyingly until I also finish and we do something together

I would say that during lockdown 1 when I was furloughed, I felt much the same. I felt that he didn't value you my contribution. We spoke about it and he didn't realise how it looked from my perspective, so he is now much better at asking about us, and not expecting me to do everything.

I think you need to have a really honest conversation with him about how he is making you feel.

Your experience is pretty typical of a lot of women I know with kids the same age who aren’t working long hours in high paying corporate type jobs. The women who leave before DH and get in after seem to have the best lives/respect. Just being honest. They don’t seem to have to deal with any of this shit. Their husbands adore them and buy them presents and flit around them like their shit doesn’t stink. They have nannies/au pairs/cleaners/gardeners and pre Covid go to the gym after work to “relax”. I think those women have the right idea to be honest. Take back some power. Can you afford after school clubs/childcare. Do it. A nanny/childminder couple of times aweek? Do it. The more “selfish” (and I say that not in a judgey way but in a descriptive manner) a woman is the better off she seems to be. Think they have the right idea to be honest. Stop being everybody’s crutch.

Partner, not husband.

Usually I get a kiss as does the dog, he then plays with my son for about half an hour so I can escape for half an hour and cook. After dinner he does some more work while I do story time, bath and bed.

Once my son is sleep we’ll do something together even if its just watching something, but we’ll also do something independently as well. So I may play piano, he may go for a run etc. He goes to bed earlier than me, I do tend to go to bed with him for half an hour or so before getting up and entertaining myself before I want to sleep.

So many men just haven't heard of team work. It sounds like you could do with some help with the routine. Like him looking after dc while you are cooking or doing bath time every now and then. Think it would be important telling him when you feel calmer about what you need.

I find it accumulates worst at bedtime. They all call me to do a million tasks and I get very angry. Hot water bottles, stories, glasses if water, trips to the loo, tuck ins X 4 kids. And they always ask me the next thing just as I'm leaving. I start to rage and want to scream at them leave me alone BUT I know it all stems back to anger at DH not being the sponge for them and not seeing that my life with them us a series of task after task. He doesn't get that from them and doesn't see to intervene and help divert the situation. It only gets to me after I've been doing it alone for 8-12 hours already. But God, I wish he could take on some of my role, not increase his role (because it's a different one to mine in terms of the kids and house) but just do my role a bit.

OP I haven't read full thread, but I've read your posts.

Have you told him how you feel? I can very much see why you'd be frustrated. Your needs are mismatched.

Your need - to have your husband come in from work and take the kids off your hands so you can finish cooking dinner. To have your DH talk to the kids more at mealtimes so you're sharing the load and not managing the show on your own. To have your DH tell you about his day, and listen to how your day was later, after the kids have gone to sleep.

Your husband's need - to come in from work and offload immediately about his day. To sit quietly at dinner and decompress from work, having offloaded to you. To use the rest of his evening to do his own thing.

There is an obvious mismatch there. And it's not fair that he gets to sit quietly at dinner while you deal with the kids - you should be sharing the load - he's letting it fall to you. And he should be taking the kids off your hands more if you've been with them, it's his turn.

It should be relatively easy to fix this, if he's the type of person that can take feedback and be willing to change some behaviours.

You might need to negotiate and compromise. For example, if he likes to come in from work and have some time to decompress before engaging with the kids, perhaps he could take his lengthy shit first?!

Tomorrow you could do this:
Tell the children that when their father comes home, he's going to be making dinner with them so they need to look in the cupboards at what they like.
You hear your DH engine and you put your coat on. As soon as he opens the door "oh, the children have been so looking forward to telling you about THEIR day!" And walk out.
Get in the car and say "I'll be back soon" and take a drive to a supermarket, where there's no signal in the shop.
Buy non-perishable items and take the long route home. Don't arrive back until at least 8pm.
Go into his hobby room, and try out his hobbies.
Leave him with his children.
Have a bath and a glass of wine. If he dares to come in and ruin this, just talk at him about your trip to the supermarket.

@Seenyouontele he sounds like a kid, ducking out of parenting, pissing off to the spare room to play games, spending 20 minutes on the toilet?! Wtf? He needs to step up big time.