Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

Mine tends to tell me nothing and never asks about my day or my DS day, (who can't tell him himself). I've long stopped asking about his. He thinks this is normal and is happy enough with things. Would love to live with people who tell me things (but also want to hear my things).

I am much older than you, so past the white heat of child rearing. It is hard, so cut both of you some slack.

However, looking back, I always felt relief and joy when DH got back - someone to share the load. I remember the few time he would phone to say he would be late back and my heart would sink - a day with children and no adult company can feel endless.

The fact you feel dread at your DH coming home suggests to me it is more than just the stresses and strains of a young family. I think you need a serious chat with your DH when the children are in bed.

@Honeybobbin

I was going to say the same as respectabitch... he doesn't sound all that awful, most people would see it as nice that he comes and chats to you while you're cooking. I think you just don't like him.

Just what I thought.

I love it when DH gets home. He showers, we eat, chat drink. He's great company.

But I love and like him, and I don't think that applies to you.

Sorry you're feeling this way.

Too much for me. He should take over the kids while you cook. Then manage the chat over dinner - listen and respond to the DCs while you zone out.

Kids in bed, you sit together and hear about each other's day. No phones.

Then chill out phones tv bath whatever

I'd go mad with being the person supposed to "be there" for everyone.

B1rthis
Your ideas work perfectly, I already know this because I did it, just before Christmas. For a few weeks, he had his set evenings with DCs and I had mine. I stopped washing all his clothes too.
I felt a LOT better.
Then Christmas happened, we had a generally nice Christmas together and we've slipped back into this routine again. Although the separate evenings didn't stop over Christmas.
It's sad, but I think you're right, I maybe have to demand that we go back to separate times with DCs. I would eat with them alone most evenings and DH would eat upstairs (I still made a meal for him) and I felt a lot lighter.

No DC here (at uni)
DH comes home, takes off his shoes puts in cupboard, goes to loo #1 (always after his commute), goes upstairs and changes into gym kit, goes to our home gym for around 45 minutes. Cools down, showers, then relaxes in front of TV or if its his turn starts on dinner.
Most days I stop working whilst he is in the gym and tidy up the kitchen whilst watching the news. I exercise at lunchtime and so watch TV if its not my time to cook.

When our DC were at home and we were 2 busy WOHP getting home around 6pm neither of us were able to exercise and evenings were a crazy round of clubs, baths, homework and bedtime. If DH wasn't travelling for work we were always a team and nobody took a 20 min toilet break.

I agree it sounds like you dont like him much, but i dont agree he's doing nothing wrong - far from it.

The twenty minutes for a shit as soon as he gets in and locking himself away to play at his "hobby" all evening instead of spending time with you would be enough for me to start to seriously dislike my dh.

For the record, my own dh talks a LOT, and as an introvert myself it can be overwhelming - however - he always asks about my day, doesnt blather on about work or stuff he knows im not interested in and is genuinely interested in mine and dc's lives and what we think.

Your DH sounds extremely draining!

@Seenyouontele

B1rthis Your ideas work perfectly, I already know this because I did it, just before Christmas. For a few weeks, he had his set evenings with DCs and I had mine. I stopped washing all his clothes too. I felt a LOT better. Then Christmas happened, we had a generally nice Christmas together and we've slipped back into this routine again. Although the separate evenings didn't stop over Christmas. It's sad, but I think you're right, I maybe have to demand that we go back to separate times with DCs. I would eat with them alone most evenings and DH would eat upstairs (I still made a meal for him) and I felt a lot lighter.

If you feel better by having him eat alone upstairs, and you with the children, that's surely a sign something is seriously wrong. Is there any point staying in the marriage?

At the moment we're both home, but before covid he would come into the kitchen where I would be finishing up dinner. We would chat (genuinely chat back and forth) if there was time, he'd ask what needed doing (or just spot that the table wasn't set etc.) and do it. If dinner still wasn't ready he'd go sit in the lounge and play on his phone. At dinner he'd be engaged with the kids and me. After dinner he would clean up while I sat in the lounge and read. Then we'd have some family Tv and once the kids headed to bed we'd do a crossword together and read/watch TV/do something else, usually together.

It's nice in a lot of ways and I generally enjoy it. I still don't think I like him, though (then, sometimes, I think I do!). Mainly from the years when the kids were younger when, similar to your situation, he seemed to abandon me after the kids were in bed - falling asleep on the sofa then staying up late working on his hobby. I could go all day without a proper conversation with an adult. It was lonely and I felt quite dehumanized by it.

I really struggle with bright lights too. Love our new build apart from the sodding overherad spotlights. Hate them. Normally have them off, spend too much money on candles.

I don't think i have sensory issues, I just think that in the winter harsh lighting from 4pm to 8am is really yuck. I think that might be a red herring personally.

I think it’s the mental strain, you’re suffering with, my ex did this to me, I’d be cooking and he’d start with the fucking questions or fast talking whilst I was at the most crucial point of trying to get it all on the table. He never cooked so couldn’t understand.

What he should have done was sort the children and get from under foot.

If he annoys you so much you'd rather he eat alone in your room, your marriage is over.

@JanuaryBlus

He's shutting himself away because every interaction with you is negative.

And why is that, do you think?

Would you class yourself as introverted?

Ok, so he walks through the door and that’s him done for the day, shoes off and relax. But you don’t get to do that, do you OP? You’re still “on duty” as a parent, as you have been all day. And he’s a parent too, but he doesn’t see it like that. It’s your “job” to do the parenting when he’s at work but when he comes home awww poor lamb he needs to chill out from his job. Whereas you don’t need to chill out, you don’t need any help because you don’t go out to work, why on earth would you need a break, you’ve been at home all day! This makes me so angry. He is simultaneously behaving as though parenting is beneath him and not worth bothering with but also too much like hard work...

What the fuck.
Get to a relationship counsellor now! You preferred it when he ate upstairs alone and had separate time with the kids
Genuinely - why are you together

It’s pretty obvious he’s avoiding you and I’m not really surprised, you can feel when someone can’t stand you. And guess WHAT so can your kids

I used to dip in energy just after the school run.

I used to have a ' mummy break' - as long as there was tea in my cup, they had to leave me alone.
It was only ever for about 20 mins, but I really needed it.
They would run in, look at my cup and run back out if if wasnt empty.

They are grown now and can't even remember this, so it didn't scar them or anything.

Come to think of it though, neither of them like tea.....

Walks in, puts kettle on, goes out for a fag, comes back in, moans that I didn't do the homeschooling yesterday, runs a bath, sits in it for 3 hours watching some TV program on his tablet, gets out, asks what's for dinner and when it will be ready, moans about his work, same moan every day, eats dinner, cuddles our 7 year old, sits on his arse playing on his tablet while I clear up, sort daughter out etc and then goes to bed.
How do I feel? Pissed off, drained and stressed out. I also work during the day and so between that and homeschooling I don't even manage to get out for "exercise". A trip to the supermarket feels like a treat.
So many selfish partners on here.
And yes, I've talked to him repeatedly about it nothing changes. He doesn't cook or do housework and yet he's always moaning about how tired he is.
I went on strike a few weeks ago, didn't do anything for him and only did mine and my daughters cooking and washing etc. Didn't make any difference. I just had more washing to do in the end.

Exactly @YesPleaseMary yet if he had to do the parenting it would be the most challenging job there was. Looking after the little cherubs would suddenly turn into an Olympic event

I used to get this with dp he would come home I would be in the middle of cooking and just stand there and unload his entire day into his head whilst I was concentrating on cooking and keeping dc out of the kitchen.
I would get that thing like a pre panic attack when everything would seem brighter and my anxiety would kick off. In the end I just told him no more. I wouldn't listen to it, if he wanted he could tell me later but to go in and see to the dc and I would call him when dinner was done.
Took a few weeks of reminding as he would come in and start but I couldn't cope with it.
This was when the dc were younger it's a bit better now.
Speak to him about it when you feel calm see what his thoughts are on it.

You are seething with anger because of the lack of attention from your husband.
This leads to acting out by ignoring him, just standing there while he rants and offloads, but never really offering your own side of things.
You 'allow' him to go on and on about his day. He assumes you've nothing to say for yourself because you don't demand time to say your piece.
You have taken on the role of listener, of soother of feelings.
Your role is to be the 'attender', your DH's role is to be attended to by you. This was always there between you, but it gets worse when kids come along because the woman then attends to her children but also has to keep up the 'mothering' of her DH.
This 'mothering' continues, and the DH starts acting more like the eldest son in the family who runs to 'mother' to tell her about his day.
The 'mother' continues to put her needs aside more and more, therefore the DH is unaware of her needs as only his needs are attended to. She makes less and less demands on anyone else, and her tendency to be self-reliant gets stronger.
Thus, isolation results.
As the woman's needs go unaddressed she gets more and more withdrawn, resentful, used up, and feels ignored and uncherished.
But she is a factor in this dynamic. It has developed without her really noticing.
You try to signal to him by rummaging in the cupboard behind him, hoping he'll notice the sighs, the thumping of saucepans.
Then when it all gets too much you have to act out and 'take to the bed' to try and get someone to notice. All that gets you is more isolation.
SO, you need to find out what your needs are, and start addressing them. Notice that your DH is not doing this on purpose because he's a selfish bastard, but rather that when he comes to tell you about his day, you stand there and 'allow' that.
Because somewhere in you, a part of you thinks it's safer to make yourself smaller and that you don't to take up deserve equal space in the world.
Just like your mother probably 'allowed' your father to watch the football, to get his dinner handed to him first, to get the best armchair in the room. It's a learned pattern of responding and it can be unlearnt.

I think this is an excellent post - i recognise aspects of this in my own relationship.

In the last relationship where I lived with dp and was a sahm to our dd...

He'd come home from work. Talk at me. I'd tell him about dd. He may or may not listen. He'd make himself some food and go off up to bed. Eat, read his phone, spend extraordinarily long periods of time in the one bathroom we all share. Possibly come downstairs in time to get dd riled up just as I'm taking her to bed...

My ideal scenario...

Myself and my partner get home from work (or at least one does), greet each other with a kiss and greet dd. Make dinner together, or take turns doing so on different nights, eat together - during which we can have a conversation both offloading about our day and try and find out what dd got up to at school. Snuggle on the sofa together watching TV, before going to bed, either at the same time unless one of us wants to go up first. Some nights we might not be snuggled on the sofa but we'd definitely do that quite often.

Is my ideal scenario too much to ask, or is that life for anyone? I've only ever lived with that one partner, but I'd like to meet someone else one day.

My husband used to come home to children climbing over him. He would change then play with them while I got dinner ready. I used to long for him coming home for the hugs, adult conversation and hands on assistance. I loved him. I think that’s the difference.

We’re both wfh atm but in the before times he would usually get in, we would have a chat on the sofa, decide what we want for tea, one of us cooks (usually him) while the other does any tidying or I would sometimes have a bath, eat tea, he might go for a run, watch the together then go to bed. This is on a good day, don’t get my wrong there were days when we both get in from work tired and bicker about what to eat etc

He probably needs you to state the obvious. Tell him to take the kids in the other room while you finish cooking. I do this with dp and the baby as after a day af babycare i need a few silent minutes to chill out while i cook. I dont think you dont like him, its just that you need a break