Husband walks in from work... what does he do? How do you feel?

[Seenyouontele]

I'll kick off...
My husband walks in from work, he kisses the kids, walks into the kitchen before hovering around me and following me around telling me about his day as I prepare dinner. I keep asking him to not stand infront of particular cupboards as I'm in and out of them. He's oblivious.

The kids are going "mum, mum, mum" but DH continues, in a world of his own... I feel tense and stressed. I feel overloaded by my senses and switch some bright lights off to counterbalance the noise. I feel angry, frustrated, heavy, so heavy. I snap.

He then stops and apologises for "going on," scoops up the children and listens to them for 10 minutes before going for a 20 minute shit.

Meal time arrives and he comes just in time to set the table. The children begin bickering for our attention, DH hasn't noticed as he eats his meal like some sort of ravenous animal, staring out of the window. I suggest DCs take it in turns to speak to us, this goes well. DH is still staring out of the window. I eat my meal without even noticing, I'm eating far too quickly, I feel tense and nauseated as I'm tryingto pay attention to DCs and eat my meal but all I really want is peace. I turn off the lights, switch on the lamp, softer lighting my be what's needed here.

After DCs have finished talking, I breathe a sigh of relief and start to enjoy the first 2 seconds of silence, before DH snaps out of his trance and says loudly, "you'll never guess what X said today? Let me tell you!"

I feel like a sponge.
Everyone offloads on to me.
Who do I offload on to?
I finally begin speaking about my day after dinner and DH starts playing on his phone. I feel used and unheard, unimportant, taken for granted. I tell him, he says "sorry, what were you saying again?" And slides his phone back in his pocket, but I can see his eyes are looking straight past me, he's noticed a parcel with his name on on the work top.

I get angry later on when we're tidying up when he puts something in the wrong place, I overreact, calling him "useless." He calls me "mental" and I start thinking I am too, but deep down, I know the tension in my stomach all started from the moment he walked through that door.

Once every couple of weeks, I get a genuine migraine right after school run, he has to take over for the evening as soon as he walks in and I go to bed for the whole evening. It's like my body just has to rest from the stress of meal times and DH.

I'm not looking for advice on my situation particularly, but I would like to compare my experience of DHs arrival from work with others. My DCs are 7 and 3 for context. I work school hours 3 days a week from home, so I'm always lumbered with this post-school, post-work drain of an evening.

Wheresmykimchi - there are considerate ways of off-loading though and his approach doesn't fall within these. Generally you wait until it's a good time for your partner (don't make their life harder unnecessarily and pay attention to their signals and what they're dealing with; OP has said that the kids are demanding things from her at the same time and that she's trying to cook dinner, needing access to various cupboards her husband keeps blocking) - and show some interest in hearing about how their day went before spewing out every last detail about your own. Balance and engagement in conversation is generally the ideal.

Hmm I'm going to take a different angle - am wondering if you could have chronic migraine?

You mention you have acute attacks (which sound like classic migraine experience) where you have to lie down and are basically incapacitated.

Do you ever have nausea/light sensitivity/dizziness along with finding noise really difficult to cope with (photophobia)? You could be having silent migraines a lot more frequently than you realise, and honestly anyone would struggle to deal with chatty children/husband in those circumstances.

• sorry in my last post that should read "phonophobia"! Photophobia is of course light sensitivity.

@AliciafromGalicia

Wheresmykimchi - there are considerate ways of off-loading though and his approach doesn't fall within these. Generally you wait until it's a good time for your partner (don't make their life harder unnecessarily and pay attention to their signals and what they're dealing with; OP has said that the kids are demanding things from her at the same time and that she's trying to cook dinner, needing access to various cupboards her husband keeps blocking) - and show some interest in hearing about how their day went before spewing out every last detail about your own. Balance and engagement in conversation is generally the ideal.

I agree. But given the OP, I don't think she's particularly considerate to him. They could play the well why should I game all day. Having the kids all day isn't a trump card.

Sorry OP I missed this...."I have had countless discussions with him about our marriage failing and us needing to stop this separate-in-the-evenings habit, but he doesn't appear to want it to stop.
I can never understand why he has so much to say to me when the DCs are competing for my attention and yet he never takes up the opportunity when they're in bed. It's very odd."

It sounds like he's got into bad habits which don't work for you as a couple. As long as he is not abusive and there is love there, would counselling help?

You asked about routines. Dh and I both working at home. Kiss at home too. Dh and I stop work, usually walk the dog together. Then one cooks and one washes up. The one who doesn't wash up runs D's 's bath. My kids are older, 10 and 16.

In the evening we have a cuppa and maybe some chocolate! We watch something on TV that we both like and go to bed.

We are very different personalities.

I love to listen to my DH’s day but I don’t talk about my job, he’d never get a nights sleep again if I did. One day I’ll write it all down and he can read about it, until then he doesn’t need to know the details.

I hear you OP. I sometimes feel like I'm the epicentre of the house and everyone talks to me/asks me stuff and with all the overhead lights and noise from devices I'm completely overwhelmed. I feel like shouting why don't you talk to each other???????

In what way is OP being inconsiderate kimchi? Maybe she can be but I haven't read anything that makes me think that particularly.

I don't know OP you do sound very tense and wound up.

If you were working FT around your kids I would understand it, but working 3 hours a day is really not bad. Sure kids are a pia in lockdown but this doesn't seem to be specifically a lockdown issue.

You get wound up because your DH wants to talk to you when he gets in and but then you're annoyed because he doesn't want to talk to you later on. If, as you say you need space and quiet then surely that gives you exactly what you need?

Maybe you need a routine whereby he lets you crack on with the children's supper or he does it himself. And then you and he sit down for a meal later where you talk. After than he goes and does his hobbies.

@AliciafromGalicia

In what way is OP being inconsiderate kimchi? Maybe she can be but I haven't read anything that makes me think that particularly.

There's a difference between inconsiderate and not actively considerate.

If I came in from work and my partner switched the lights off and moaned at me being in the way and resented me opening my mouth I wouldn't be feeling particularly...considered.

I get migraines too, and needing to switch the lights off is often the beginning of an episode for me

Be kind to yourself. Can you feed the kids before he comes home? Then you have a cuppa and a chat and then make dinner together?

She hasn't switched the lights off though. She's switched off some bright lights. They haven't been plunged into darkness. And she isn't moaning about her husband being in the way. She's asking him not to stand in front of cupboards that she needs to open and close frequently while cooking. She says he's oblivious to these requests. She doesn't resent him opening his mouth. She resents that his conversation is completely focused on himself. If I had a husband whose attitude when he came in the door was, "I'm so happy to see you, so I can tell you all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee", I'd be resentful too.

@AliciafromGalicia

She hasn't switched the lights off though. She's switched off some bright lights. They haven't been plunged into darkness. And she isn't moaning about her husband being in the way. She's asking him not to stand in front of cupboards that she needs to open and close frequently while cooking. She says he's oblivious to these requests. She doesn't resent him opening his mouth. She resents that his conversation is completely focused on himself. If I had a husband whose attitude when he came in the door was, "I'm so happy to see you, so I can tell you all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee", I'd be resentful too.

But the world just isn't black and white, DH self indulgent dick, OP a martyr. It just doesn't work like that.

I think the op is feeling invisible. Her husband goes straight to the kids and gives them attention whilst she too has been lacking adult company etc. Meanwhile, in this invisible mode she carries out her usual tasks (unseen) and is expected to then give her attention to him. Not only is her need for acknowledgement not being met, demands to listen to another adult are being issued when she may not have this to give (and ends up feeling like a sponge). This is aggravated further by the sensory issue (root cause to be determined as migraines factor too).

Op has also wanted to talk about things that affect her and their relationship and it doesn't seem like her husband wants to listen. Granted the timing of their conversations is relevant but it is really difficult to communicate with someone who just wants to talk at you. I realise now, the start of the demise of my own relationship (as far as I'm concerned) was when communication started to break down. Not really sure what to suggest op other than to perhaps allocate a bit more time when dcs are in bed to talk. It's not easy though when you feel like you're being squeezed between dcs and an action movie (or whatever else the desired distraction is on the part of the husband/partner).

@AliciafromGalicia

She hasn't switched the lights off though. She's switched off some bright lights. They haven't been plunged into darkness. And she isn't moaning about her husband being in the way. She's asking him not to stand in front of cupboards that she needs to open and close frequently while cooking. She says he's oblivious to these requests. She doesn't resent him opening his mouth. She resents that his conversation is completely focused on himself. If I had a husband whose attitude when he came in the door was, "I'm so happy to see you, so I can tell you all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee", I'd be resentful too.

Although I did laugh at the image of a grown man running in shouting meeeeeeee na la Gaston

I fee the exact same. I have noticed that if I'm hungry while preparing the dinner it's all worse and I've no patience at all. I often do prep late in the evening for the next day and always make sure I'm not hungry.

I guess when your kids are there, your DH feels the need to compete for your attention.
What do you do yourself when the kids are in bed? Have you asked him does he want to watch some series or something together?
What's his hobby?
Its doesn't sound good that you call him 'useless'. Hopefully you don't speak like that to each other in front of the kids. I would think trying to be nicer to each other would at least make your day more pleasant.
At least if you do insult him, then notice and apologise, especially in front of the kids.
Things are shit generally with this lockdown, so go easy on yourself.
People can't go out to meet friends, or get social support elsewhere when their partners don't meet all their needs.

OP you're being used.

You're being used for cooking and cleaning.

You're being used for sex.

You're being used as a dumping ground for him to talk about himself.

You're being used for taking care of everything while he disappears off for hours to his room.

He offers you nothing in return. Not his time, or his attention (unless he wants sex, in which case he probably gives you a lot of attention. But again, only for what he can get out of it.) Nothing to make you feel valued - because he doesn't value you except for those things above where you're useful to have around because you make his life so much easier by doing them.

I'm not generally an LTB'er, but I hope you can begin to realise how one sided this marriage is. He is being completely selfish, and that you don't think he's doing it maliciously doesn't mean you can ignore his selfishness, or decide that isn't what it is.

All those things you're useful for can be bought. I hope one day you find the strength to tell him he'd better get wallet out, because you're off.

OP I really think this poster Etinox has a point "Can you feed the dcs before then eat with him, with him participating either cooking or washing up or at least setting the table.
The shutting himself away to watch films is intolerable. There are so many new boxed sets and series now to watch together. We particularly like geopolitical procedural dramas."

DH and I watch police dramas and real life (non-violent) crime like 'How to rob a bank' and '24 hours in police custody' and 'How to catch a killer.

In the past we have played board games, like back gammon or family games. It doesn't happen automatically, we have to make an effort and dh lets me know he wants my company on the sofa, watching a tv programme. Going for walks together as a family etc takes a lot of effort but it is worth it.

If you find it overloading to hear all his day can you work some sort of compromise. It's only really if it is worth it, but if there is still love there then maybe it is worth it.

None of this is worth it if you feel things are abusive but so far it just sounds like you are living separate lives under the same roof, to some extent.

My DH has to be dragged away from work/sports TV and rarely pays anyone but himself any attention. He does hoover, bins, dishes or cooking if I ask him... though he only ever cooks spag bol or spag a la jar sauce. The kids rarely bath. We both WFH full time.

I think I act like your DH sometimes too. I offload a lot on work and worries re kids etc to him. I hide in the loo (and pretend not hear kids bicker so he deals with them) and i give kids kisses but not him.

Kids + lockdown doth suck life out of relationships.

My partner sometimes comes in quite chatty about his day but then doesn’t really listen when I talk about mine. Most days though he comes in the door in a moody grumpy “I don’t want to talk to anyone” mood and then precedes to spend most of the evening on his game console or asleep. We both work full time and I get he is tired but so am I and I always manage to muster a smile and a how are you / how was your day / give me a kiss “lean towards” moment!
Some days I just feel quite invisible and like I’m in the way and aggravating him, most evenings I work or watch tv alone. I feel like my problem is similar in some ways but not in others sorry if I’m no help to you at all 🤣