Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

OP, sending you a hand-hold and a hug. When you said you had no family, I thought you were truly on your own but you have your children and although they will all be experiencing shock at this latest turn of events, they will also want to comfort and support you, so please do let them. I know you will feel like you have to be strong and hold it together for their sakes but your older children especially will be there for you to lean on. Please don't try and go through this all on your own.

Secondly, although it doesn't feel it right now, you have the upper hand in this situation. Your husband has just torched his marriage, his relationship with his children and by consequence his grandchildren, and all for the sake of someone 22 years younger who quite frankly sounds utterly unhinged. The excitement of an illicit affair is gone and they now have to live day to day real life with everyone close to them knowing how disgracefully they have both behaved. In time, he will come to realise just how much he has lost and for nothing. Your best revenge is to let her have him.

You have a rough few months ahead as you grieve the loss of your love, family life and partnership as well as the future you thought you had together but each day that passes takes you closer to being able to live happily in a newly forged life without someone who had so little respect for himself, you and his children that he was unable to leave the marriage and family without lying and cheating and in the process, subjecting you all to the crazy shit from the OW. You will get through this!

Handhold and hugs OP xxx

You are going to be okay

Here to hold your hand too.

As much as you may want to, please don't get into the "pick me" game - look how deranged she was when she started playing it, out in the street, of all things!

Also, you say that he gave you 10mins notice last June that he was leaving - I would guess that he had already met someone, either her or another person, as (and I'm sorry to say it to you) HE went looking on websites for a skank. She really isn't your issue, so please don't try to compete with her.

So he's had an argument with her, messages you that he's coming back and 10 mins later She's sending messages/pics to you AND your children - and he goes off with her AGAIN!

Please please please don't let min back into your life again - don't do that to yourself or your children - because he WILL continue to treat you like this, even if they break up - because HE went looking for someone else first and will do it again.

I'm really sorry to be saying these things to you - but you sound like such a lovely person and a great Mum. I know things looks so bleak now, but like others have said, once the shock wears off, you will start to see that you & the kids will be OK.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry. He has brutalized you and the children and is frantically trying to justify his cruel, unethical behavior.

Your dignified reaction likely unnerved him, as he probably expected the pick me dance. He is already experiencing the consequences of his (and OW’s) heinous actions, particularly the loss of the trust and respect of all of you.

You and the children will grieve, but will go from strength to strength with each other. He, on the other hand, will forever be the pathetic loser who tossed his family and sabotaged his life with an unhinged loon. His future will not be a pretty picture.

When possible, perhaps you should consider seeking counseling to help you move through the grieving process. I have no doubt that you and the children will prevail.

Oh bless you .Have just read this ...I really hope you are asleep by now...you must be exhausted..Thankfully you have older children so they can look after you and they can look after themselves ie cook food.clean and so washing etc.
Give yourself a couple of days digesting what has happened and then contact a solicitor.
He is an absolute idiot and will have a lot of time to reflect on his stupidity when it has all gone tits up !!
Make sure you eat and drink and keep up your blood sugar levels ...it will help you think more clearly .X💐

You will get through this op.

I know this is a really shit situation but everything seems worse in the middle of the night.

He will look like the prize idiot when everyone he knows realsises what he's done.

One day you will look back on this time as a distant memory.

Stay strong

Op 💐 to start with.

Youve been awake all night you need to be kind to yourself. Today you should do 3 things:

Phone a solicitor and make an appointment.
Make sure you eat something however small.
Let the kids do what they want, I’m guessing the 16yo has gcse commitments but let them do the minimum requirements,just for today and for goodness sake have a nap.

Then over the next few days sort the financials out, make a folder of everything.

Are you able to stay in the house? If so use lockdown to start to plan how you can change it so it reflects you.

Then once lockdown is over you can truly start to rebuild, find something that interests you.

I think he probably hasn’t got ahead of you with planning, everything he’s done doesn’t seem controlled and well thought out, you’ve done amazing not to give him the satisfaction of anger etc.

@MoreLegsThanMe Just wanted to pick you up on a comment from a couple of pages back. You have not let your kids down, and you will not let your kids down even if you are struggling to cope right now. You are not the one who betrayed your marriage by going on an "illicit encounter" site, or whatever it calls itself. You are not the one who choose to have an affair with someone who does not understand the meaning of the word "illicit", and was sufficiently batshit to try to drag your kids into interactions with them. You are not the one who didn't recognise the numerous red flags in the behaviour of their illicit liaison, and has instead decided that they're in love with them and that they're worth destroying your marriage for. You are not the one who has completely ignored the well-being of your kids in all of this.

I know you want to shield your kids from the worst of this, but trying to suppress your hurt and upset over this isn't healthy for you. Make it a principle that you're not going to slag him off to the kids if you think that's the right thing to do, but you're allowed to show them that you're sad about the end of your marriage. This is a big thing, and you don't have to try to be superhuman.

Your older children are old enough to deal with this and support you. Whatever you do or say they will form their own opinions about their father . It will be tough but you will get through this . Don’t let him use you again.

Thank you. Thank you. I’ve had about an hour and a half sleep all night. I think the wind howling woke me. I have the worst headache and my eyes feel like I’ve been rubbing gravel into them for a good while.

I’ve been downstairs and got some tea and a hot water bottle and I’m going to try and just rest for a bit. It doesn’t help that I feel sick to the pit of my stomach but I’m sure that’s just a reaction rather than a bug or something I’ve just eaten.

While waiting for the kettle to boil I managed to get my wedding ring off. It feels so wrong to be without it. It’s never not been there in 36 years, even in hospital.

Your posts all mean so much to me. Please stay with me today. It really is just me against the whole world now.

My poor poor children. They don’t deserve any of this

Bless you OP

I think you’re doing amazing. You’ve told him to leave his keys ( shows great presence of mind), told your DC when he was too cowardly to do that and managed to get some sleep.
Be kind to yourself today. Keep yourself hydrated, maybe try some soup.

Of course you’ll be ready, it’s a huge shock. But you’re showing real strength and you will get through this.

I will be thinking of you today and sending my hand to hold

Oops, teary not ready

You sound amazing OP, you're going to get through this.

I'm sorry this has happened.

You're a strong woman.
That relationship will not last and he'll try and weasel his way back in.
Don't allow him to OP. You're strong and independent. This part of your life is now over and new chapter to find yourself has begun. Be easy on yourself and realise what a great job you're doing for your children.

It will hurt. The hurt will then turn to anger and you will realise someone who does this isn't worth a second of your time.

Ride your emotions and don't question them and feel silly for having them. You've got this!

You will feel sick op thats normal, your body has had a massive assault on it with shock thats why you must try to eat tiny ammounts, sweet tea,
drinking chocolates a good one.

Ask your children to go to the pharmacy to get you some Fortisip drinks, they have all the vitamins you need in them, in drink form.
It will help.
Get some pain relief for the headache.

Try and rest, turn the phone off, we will still be here when you wake to support you.
We won't go away.

Keep your phone switched off today. Just set yourself little targets.

Your kids don’t deserve it, it was a long time before my friends kids reconnected with their dad and even now 10 years on the fb entries of them together are few and far between and it always looks a bit forced. But they’ll be ok, they’ve got a lot of processing to do too.

I understand exactly what you're going through. My husband moved out a week and a half ago and we've been together 31 years. It's scary and horrible I know.

My kids are 20 and 24 and have been really supportive. Your older ones are more than capable of helping your through this - they will have issues of their own but you can all lean on each other.

Much sympathy, it's crap isn't it? Xx

You will get through one day at a time ,he has probably done you a favour long term , because you can start to grieve for your marriage and start the long road to recovery .
He has deceived you for months keeping you as an option to run back to , you are worth more than that x

This happened to my sister, the circumstances were virtually the same. She didn’t cope, at all. She stopped eating and went from bad to worse.

Please don’t let this happen to you @MoreLegsThanMe. We are all worth more. Please reach out for help wherever you can. My sister relied heavily on her adult children and subsequently I can see that she did this far too much. Their dad was still their dad and my sister effectively excluded him permanently from their lives. Yes he deserved it but the children didn’t. Their father’s behaviour and my sister’s decline was dreadful and the adult children suffered terribly.

Stay strong @MoreLegsThanMe and accept help and support where you can. 🌺

Oh Morelegs, I am so sorry. Your posts are very painful to read. As a pp has said, you won't forget, but you will start to feel better, not today, not soon, but sooner than you might think.

Look after yourself. The hot water bottle is a good idea. Regular drinks. A little walk if the weather is nice. You won't feel like eating much, but a bit of toast and soup, a small portion of what your ds4 and 5 have will help to keep your strength up. If you can add some Complan to your next shop, that's good for keeping you going.

He will regret this. There was a reason he came back - all was not happy in 'paradise'. He may be trapped with the madwoman now, as pride might stop him leaving again, but he will regret it. In the meantime, you will be close to your children and grandchildren. You will be the one they want there at Christmas, you will be the one they come to visit, and share their milestones and achievements with. You will be the one they laugh with. And you will start to find new achievements, new enjoyment, which is yours. You will have new friends, new interests, new skills. But all of that is in the future. Right now, be your own best friend, snuggle up in a blanket, look after yourself - and keep posting. Sadly there are many MNetters who have been where you are now and know your pain. And we are here 24/7.

Apart from trying to eat and rest today, ring a solicitor. At least you will know your rights and have some advice. Do not listen to him on what the law is! Also tell people in real life. This was some of the best advice I got on here

OP you are fucking incredible and I really wish I could give you a big cuddle right now.

Today is your new life

Use today constructively,

Find all the paperwork relating to the house, pensions, shares, accounts his and joint ones.

Passports, birth and marriage certificates

Get it all dropped off at a friend's house.

Can you access his emails, phone records, you have her number at least you can gauge when it started.

Block him on everything except email. This will stop the late night, after a bottle of wine,I miss you texts.

At the moment he is riding high, he has his new GF and he isn't giving you a second thought.

Soon he will land with a bump, when he realises how much this is going to cost him in the divorce.

As soon as that happens he will come crawling back to pacify you.

Keep strong