Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

I know I keep saying thank you, but thank you for keeping me going tonight. It means so much a d I hope you can keep with me on this utterly shit journey. I have no idea where it’s taking me and I don’t want to travel it, but I can’t stop it and get off, can I

We are now three years down the road and I'm glad to say the kids (now young adults) are rebuilding relationships with their dad. I think they need to for their mental health, so have never discouraged, and in fact I have actively encouraged them by being as neutral as I can.

They won't have anything to do with the ow, and they will never feel exactly the same about him as they did before, but it's not worth you arguing or getting upset about something that might or might not happen in years to come.

Be prepared for him to rewrite history, with you as the villain. In my experience all middle-aged-men-with-a-mid-life-crisis-and-a-bonkers-younger-woman do this. Just ignore him; he's gone, his opinion is not important. One day at a time build yourself up. It's a new normal, but it may well be a good normal as time goes on.

It doesn't sound as though he's much of a loss. Hang on to that thought

You are stronger than you think. Obviously you're going to feel shit right now, you're grieving, but you will get through it. You sound like a wonderful woman and a great mother. He will try and re write history but you know what's what. You're going to OK. Really, you are.

He said he loves her. He doesn’t love me, but he does her.

You will absolutely come out of this the strongest party.

It’s a shit road, hurts like hell but people find a way and after a little while you start to see the clarity.

At the moment you are dealing with the grief of the end of your relationship as you know it. He has completely changed the dynamics and you not only have to change your life around, you now need to change your whole perception of him. It’s exhausting, but bloody hell you come out stronger on the other side.

Right now you probably feel as though the best thing would be for him to come back, say it’s all a mistake etc but the truth is after a while (likelihood is he will) you just think sod off.

You see them for the weak and spiteful person they have been to throw it all away for something so self serving.

Try and get some rest. X

Is he texting you this stuff ?

He says he loves her. You know he’s thinking with his dick right now. It sounds like she’s a deranged control freak, whereas you’ve let him go so to speak.

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP.
You are right you are on a journey , one that you did not choose. However you can choose the direction you go forward in from here 💜.
Keep posting, lots of us here.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Oh *@MsKL* I’m so so sorry. I didn’t beg or plead I just folded my arms and looked daggers at him and reminded him to leave his door keys. Didn’t shed a tear. All I wanted to do was get down to my knees and beg him to stay.

They met on Illicit Encounters. I don’t know what it is but I can guess.

You handled this with grace and more dignity than I could have mustered. Bravo. Hang on to that - this shows how strong you are, even when you feel like you're going to crumble. And you haven't let your children down - not at all.

No @Onthedunes this was all said before he left. Almost like he was unburdening himself, getting it off his chest. I’d like nothing more than to message him now so he can see what I’ve been reduced to but he’ll have switched off his phone. Coward that he is, he won’t want the vitriol that would be coming his way by DD1 especially, so he hides away from it by turning off his phone. I imagine it’ll be off a couple of days knowing him

He’s just justifying his behaviour. He needs to make you into the bad person to do this.

He doesn’t love you bla bla bla,
He loves her is just to validate his decision to leave. It would be a lot harder to leave somebody if they admitted to themselves they still loved them and it might possibly be a mistake, so they don’t.

Almost like he was unburdening himself, getting it off his chest.

He just had to hand you the script he'd written about himself so he can stay in denial. It's all bollocks.

4.00am and they’ll be fast asleep won’t they

You know him well, he is a coward.

I should imagine your children will be in touch with him.
Tell him nothing now.

Pretend he is dead.

Well, they sound like they deserve each other!

Stay strong, here to hand hold and a hug x

He didn’t even speak to the youngest before he left. No explanation no reason no excuse not even goodbye. His own fucking children and he skipped off to her without a backward glance. I had to tell them. I just don’t think I can bear this

You can and will.

To give them an explanation would be the actions of somebody who is thinking logically, kindly and reasonably. From what you have written tonight, your husband sounds like none of these are true of him right now.

This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago and she is now happier than she could possibly have imagined and also incredibly happily remarried at the age of 62. This is so hard for you, but trust me, when the shock starts to wear off, you will start to find the parts of you that had been buried gradually over the years. All those parts of you will come back to life and replace the devastating blackness that is engulfing you at the moment. It will be horrible now, but there is something better on the other side of this. I was in a similar position a long time ago. Unlike you, I hadn't been married very long, but in a way I pitied my exh because I knew that he had made a choice that would compromise his relationship with his children. His lack of moral fortitude was demeaning ... I think that what I'm trying to say is that although you have given so much of your life to this man, he has sacrificed the priceless privilege of you both growing old together and your children won't find it easy to forgive that.

He is a coward, slinking off into the night without explaining anything to your DC or in fact you.

You deserve so much more.

Please make sure you still have access to cash etc just in case he decides to be clever and blocking any bank account you may share

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds like an absolute bastard. I hope all the messages are helping you. I just wanted to say I hope you know this is nothing to do with you, it's all him. It's not because of who you are, anything you have done etc.

It's him being a selfish twat. You will get through this and be stronger for it. It happened to my Mum, she managed to get through it so you will too. I never post but really wanted to offer you some support and say you're not alone.

One step at a time, don't worry if you break down in front of the kids, they will cope. I did and I'm glad I was able to offer my mum some support.

Did he mention divorce?

The best advice I’ve had is that when you’re going through hell, keep going.
Food - small amounts little and often.
Wrap yourself in a blanket.
GP if you need some help to sleep
Solicitor- get your financial ducks in a row He has had time to plan for this. Get copies of everything you can lay your hands on - payslips, pensions, P60s, savings
💐 for you.
You absolutely can get through this.

One of my favourite quotes ever is "If you're going through hell, keep going." I know this seems like the end of the world, but keep going, and know that one day you will look back on this time and be glad you got rid of the arsehole and that you have moved on to be so much happier! He will come crawling back. Don't let him back. Onwards and upwards (although for now, just do what you can do get through. It will get easier and easier, slowly, until one day you will realise you're happy again x

OP, I second everything that MadameMiggeldy has said! I'm so sorry for your pain at this time.

I will say this though. I've worked in family law for years and there are some cliches that unfortunately hold up. The cliche of the man, having had the support of his spouse for years (helping with his business unpaid, raising a family, making a home etc.) while he climbed the career ladder and became successful, who then has an affair with a younger version of his wife (I'm staggered at how often the new woman resembles a younger version of the wife).

BUT... There is another thing that I've witnessed over the years working in family law. The wives/ex-wives are more resiliant and adapt to their new free status much better (even if they didn't want the divorce) than their ex-husbands. The law practice I worked in dealt with custody issues which could go on for years and I witnessed first hand how well the women thrived after divorce compared to the cheating ex-husband who thought he'd find happiness in a younger woman.

It's too early now, so you're going to ahve to trust me on this, but you will be happy again and you'll be amazed at how happy you are to be free.

It’s the world’s worst feeling. But you will get through it. Be kind to yourself. Try your vest that eat and rest. Ring your gp and ask if they can give you meds if you can’t settle. Just short term they can be a massive help. From experience I know it seems so awful just now, but you will have a much better life without him. 💐