Can someone just hold my hand? Just for a bit

[MoreLegsThanMe]

My husband of 36 years has left. I don’t know how to get through tonight. Can someone just hold my hand, please?

You WILL get better I promise you although it will take time. Be kind to yourself and your older children will understand what you need right now. It’s very early days and still a shock - do you work - when this happened to me I found that although it was the last thing I wanted to do, work gave me a few hours respite before I went home and collapsed again. My children were younger than yours but we have all come through it. Make sure you drink and try to eat little snacks. It WILL get better OP💐

So sorry that this is happening to you .I know how you feel as I have a similar situation , even the March birthday. Married 31 years.
But due to other circumstances, he is still in the house . No OW involved at the moment . Believe me , it is hell on earth and this is 2 years down the road.
Guess what I am trying to say , is that him being out of the house is a good thing. Please do not let him back when it all goes to shit for him as it will eventually do.
You have the upper hand here, he has left the marital home. When you feel strong enough , please seek some legal advice , even delegate this to your older kids for you.
Everything you are experiencing is normal under these circumstances . The shock is so traumatic, your body reacts too. But I assure you , it will pass . Just be kind to yourself and if necessary , phone your GP for some advice and help.

It is hard to imagine life without him as it has been so long. And I know it is so overwhelming at this point to see any future by yourself. But you wont be by yourself , you have kids, grandkids and they have your best interests at heart and are there for you . They are worth more than a lying cheating partner.

The OW sounds like a prize catch ! Ha ,all he wanted was a bit of fun , Illicit Encounters , how pathetic. Now he is stuck with a crazy , nasty bitch. Definitely not Juliet!

Everyone is telling you that you will be OK ,it is true. I found it hard to believe that I would be normal sometimes, but it does happen.

I actually did smack him across the face . Not advocating it , but damn it felt good!

So sorry you're going through this. It will take some time for you to process this betrayal. Thank goodness for your children. So many of us have been where you are and come out from it happier and with a life of our own choosing. You won't be the same by the end of this, it will change your perspective on life and what you want from it. You sound a lovely, strong woman - naturally you're devastated and struggling at the moment, but slowly it will get better, I can absolutely promise you that.

Will be thinking of you today - take care of yourself my lovely.

I really hope your asleep right now because that is the first thing you need.

OP this scenario happened to my mum when she turned 50 and my dad was 54 and he left for a 26 year old. She was emotionally unwell for about a year and it wasnt a great time but it got better and now she loves her independent life - she has her children and her grandchildren around her, she doesn't have to worry about looking after my bastard of father in his old age (he had a stroke 5 years ago and wanted to move back with my mum cause the newest girlfriends at 24 didn't want to deal with that). She politely told him to fuck off.

37 year old chasing after their 60 year old affair partners are looking for stability and most likely of the financial aid. I dont know your circumstances but if hes the main earner he's going to have a massive shock to the system when a lawyer lays down how much your entitled to as raising 5 kids and with two still dependant. Any flash cash he has now will quickly disappear.

Which brings me do this. I know your hurting and you do need to speak to your GP because you seem distress but fiest point of call once your awake is to shut down joint finances, split anything and move to your bank account. OP he may very well wake up to and drain any finances, your hurting but you need to act quickly.

I am so sorry for you and your children. You will get a load of good practical advice and support on here. Keep coming back and MNs will hold you up. Take time to grieve and cuddle you children as they grieve, you will get comfort from that.

Why are you crying for someone who clearly isn't worth it. I wouldn't even want the lying cheating scum back anyway.

Get a solicitor and make sure he gets away with nothing. I would just be so angry with him. You need people in real life to talk to. I'm sure one of your older children will be there for you.

@Haggertyjane it’s not as easy as that. I wish it were!

I mean your first post.. agree with the solicitor part 😃

My head hurts so badly. I’ve been downstairs for paracetamol. DD3 and DS are awake. I’ve told him to do a bit of schoolwork today. They both seem to have slept all night. DD4 has already had one Google Meet for school.

I keep seeing my left hand without my ring. It’s so alien it’s like it’s wrong I’m not wearing it.

The panic just keeps taking me over. It’s like I can’t cope I can’t do this I just can’t.

You are doing really well and you sound like a lovely woman. I promise you once you get through the initial shock and settle a little, you and your DC will find a new way of living without him that is in fact better than with him around. Stay strong and keep us posted because we are all here for you and many of us have been through similar situations, he will in time regret his decision and the OW sounds dreadful, shouting outside your house?? Classless and crass!
Your children will be closer to you as a result of his actions and you will be find happiness again. He has probably done you a favour because why would you want to be with him when he has shown how weak and selfish he can be? Try to compartmentalise- yes you had good time during your marriage and you can't deny that, and you have created wonderful children, but that's not who he is anymore (he's an idiot and a fool) Yes it's heartbreaking but you will recover and be full of hope again, I promise. Take care x

I found propranolol and low dose diazepam really helpful for that overwhelming panic feeling / can you ring your gp?

Also try to sleep as others have said on here and eat well, this makes a huge difference. Treat yourself and your DC whilst you get through the difficult initial stages.

You can do this. You've already shown how strong you are. Get some help for you and just take things hour by hour for now. Children are much more perceptive than they are often given credit for - they don't want him back so there must be things they've picked up on.

@Haggertyjane

Why are you crying for someone who clearly isn't worth it. I wouldn't even want the lying cheating scum back anyway.

Because, you insensitive twunt, they've been together over 36 years. YEARS. Had a family together and as far as she knew planned to be together until the end now he's run off with someone his daughter age & it hurts like hell, screws with your self confidence and completely changes your future

What you think you might want & what you actually want when it happens are two different things.

What she wants (understandably) is the life she had planned.

Oh op, I am so sorry. I have been there too, I know how you are feeling. You will get through this - I am two years down the road now, and life is soooo much better. Remember though, that while all this may seem quick for you (it did for me, it seemed to come out of the blue), the fact is it’s not quick for him. He has had time to plan this, and check out of your marriage completely. So: get planning. Get a lawyer. Tell people - don’t hide away. Be kind to yourself. We are all rooting for you - I wish I was there to give you a hug.

I know that panicky feeling, the not coping one . But the body is so very resilient , it is amazing. I sometimes lay down and did some breathing exercises or just went out for a walk.

You can do this, your stronger than you think. Be kind to yourself. Once the shock has worn off you can contemplate the future, for now just take care of yourself and your children. We're all here behind you

What an absolute bastaard! But let me tell you something, he may think he's in a Romeo and Juliet situation but that won't last, and then what? he will be all alone with some crazy woman , I mean who turns up in the street screaming they love someone when that person is married in their martial home. Anyways, hold your head high, the life you knew it is over, but you have the chance to have a new life, one that is not tainted by a liar and an uncommitted partner. Live life for you now, take up hobbies you have always wanted to do, start socialising, I know in this climate it's hard but it will get better, you have your children who love you, and they will encourage you to find your new lease of life. Do not let him Destroy you, he's not worth it... you will find you happiness and it won't be based on lies and deceit.
Stay strong

Hope today is feeling like your ‘turning the corner’ day.

A friends husband did the same - needless to say when his money ran out, so did the new woman (who was also a street screecher). He came crawling back and who did take him back (for some reason known only to herself).

I’m going to have a shower.

Thank you all so much.

I’ll come back later - see if I can get through the day at least

When you are ready get planning. Get a lawyer. Tell people - don’t hide away. Be kind to yourself. This. But yes, your left hand will look bare without your ring. When you can, try to treat yourself to a beautiful new ring, from you, to you. Or perhaps you have a family ring somewhere, which you can bring out, and use? I have a ring of my mum, and really love thinking of her - a strong, loving woman - when I look at it.

I'm the same age as your eldest daughter. This happened to me last year. So I have two perspectives.
The first - i needed to fall apart and lean on the people around me who cared. It was what got me through.
The second - if my mum had felt like you're feeling right now and not turned to me for support I would have felt very hurt. Let them care for you. It doesn't make you a bad mum. The older ones will want to help you. It will make them feel better to help you.

I'm not proud of it but I lay on the floor weeping in front of my 8 year old. He came and cuddled me and it helped. He felt better knowing that he had helped me. This bit is so so so hard but you will survive it and mumsnet is amazing. Tough love when you need it, support when you need that. You will get through this.

I’m so sorry, what an absolute dick he is. You deserve better, how dare he.

It will be ok OP, I know it doesn't feel like it will ever be ok, but it will