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Original poster

I think there’s another phone

367 replies

Dissillusioned · 08/01/2021 09:56

I may be paranoid but a couple of things lately have me thinking dp may have a secret phone.
I’ve looked but can’t find one, so I could be totally wrong but my gut is telling me to keep looking.
What I’m asking is, those that have found a secret phone, where was it hidden? I’m hoping there’s places I haven’t thought to look. I’m also hoping I’m wrong and just paranoid as I do have form for overthinking things, but I’m watching dp like a hawk right now.

OP posts:
Isitsixoclockalready · 14/01/2021 14:02

@QuentinWinters

I wasn't trying to be critical of you disillusioned more concerned about the effect on you if you follow some of the crazy suggestions in here (tape recorder in the bathroom??!! Really?) Also if it goes too far and your DH finds out you lose any high ground. I'd be livid if my DP was taping me on the toilet, even if I was having an affair. Its an unacceptable breach of privacy. If he's not having an affair and he finds out, he should definitely be leaving (not suggesting you are recording him BTW- just that was a suggestion upthread) I think you have three options now: 1) tell DH your concerns, give him an opportunity to come clean, but leave him under no illusions that if he lies to you its game over when you do find out (and mean it) 2,) move on and keep a watchful eye if there's a recurrence of odd behaviour in future 3) fully trust your gut and leave him as you know he's lying Ongoing hunting for evidence is damaging to you and not guaranteed to show anything. Good luck with whatever you decide Flowers
Some very good advice here.
Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 14:16

Problem with this situation is trying to find proof of a negative. If you don't find anything, will that make you feel more assured?
In a word, yes.

The phone is a symptom not the root of the problem.
Perhaps his problem, IF there is one. Certainly not mine. I had no problem before this

OP posts:
Catty1720 · 14/01/2021 14:22

But you said I’m your first few posts you had trust issues he had to work on with you because he’d lied before and had cheated on other partners??
Take a step back sometimes when we stop looking we find things. If he’s doing wrong he’ll slip up but if apart from this the relationship is really good then be careful this doesn’t go too far and cause damage. If I was innocent and found out this was going on I’d be very hurt and I’d then have trust issue in my partner.

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 14:31

I wasn't trying to be critical of you disillusioned more concerned about the effect on you if you follow some of the crazy suggestions in here (tape recorder in the bathroom??!! Really?)
Yes you were and If you read my posts you'll know that I am certainly not doing recording anyone is any bathrooms or anywhere.

Ongoing hunting for evidence is damaging to you and not guaranteed to show anything.
Thankyou for this wisdom. You think this hadn't occurred to me?

I am currently just watching and waiting and am very calm. I may or may not ask to borrow the old phone, I need to do that right if I decide to do that.
I haven't made any decisions as yet.
I will not be leaving my relationship based on my gut alone and zero evidence.
Its been a week since I first became suspicious. And maybe I went a little panicky, thinking all sorts of things, but I'm now calm, rational and if there is a secret phone, he will definitely slip up at some point in the coming weeks/months. I am just a little more astute and aware than perhaps I was a week ago and may notice those little signs more.
That doesn't mean I'm living a lie in my relationship and that I don't trust him with anything and I should just give it all up now.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 14/01/2021 14:34

Well said OP.

Pechanga · 14/01/2021 14:43

I had no problem before this

Before what? He hasn't done anything? If you are overly suspicious and he is completely innocent then it is very much your problem.

I think you should talk to him. Sit down and explain all your concerns and ask for reassurance (to see the old phone or whatever else you need) if you really don't trust him and believe he's a liar then you shouldn't be with him - is this mistrust based on anything, has he been known to cheat, lie before, is he sneaky and secretive? If he is then a relationship with him is not a good idea.

Remember it's very easy to prove someone's guilt but very difficult to prove their innocence, You have him on trial and he doesn't even know it.

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 15:03

You have him on trial and he doesn't even know it.
Right, I'll give him the heads up then.

Before what? He hasn't done anything?
Please read my posts.
Before this: Midnight wanders downstairs, detouring on said midnight wanders and holding what looks like a phone in his hand (his phone was upstairs by bed), Panicking I'd seen something when I walked into bedroom and relief when he realised it was something normal on the bed, Odd vibration noises randomly which sound exactly like a phone on vibrate when an alert comes in, a missing redundant 'spare' phone.
So no, he hasn't done anything if you take all these things on their own. But putting them together and knowing that up until a few weeks ago they were not happening at all, just makes it all a little odd.

Anyway, I'll leave the thread for a few days and I'll check back in when /if I decide to ask him for the old phone or if anything further happens which I deem to be out of the norm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 15:03

Thankyou to everyone who has been helpful and given great suggestions.

OP posts:
Bathsheba1878 · 14/01/2021 15:37

OP, there is no need to justify yourself to anyone on here. You have perfectly valid reasons for being concerned- you haven’t jumped to suspicion after one random incident, there have been several which (taken together) are somewhat strange. Ultimately you have to protect your own well being and you are very sensible to investigate further. Of course, in an ideal world, we would all be able to have honest discussions with our partners but a partner who is hiding something is simply not going to admit it voluntarily and you will just get another layer of deception. Carefully watch and wait is unfortunately the only strategy that will ultimately give you peace of mind. I truly hope there is nothing to find but if he is up to no good he will slip up eventually and this will happen sooner rather than later if he is unaware of your suspicions.

Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 15:53

I’d rather be like the op then like some posters who discover a 5 year affair behind their backs . We can always keep our wits about us and if really odd behaviour happens, like this , not just simply brush it under the carpet .
If you’re suspicious, jealous and on edge all the time that’s a different matter and not worth being in a relationship like that. If it’s due to sudden bizarre behaviour then it’s best investigated .
I’m sure if the op found it was an affair it would save her the heartache of getting married , kids etc with the wrong person . I believe they are looking at engagement soon. It’s important to look after and protect yourself and your future - even within a loving trusting relationship.

Fliss444 · 14/01/2021 16:09

I have been following this full thread and yes I am another one who has fallen for similar in the past. I believed many lies and cover ups which lasted 2 years before it all blew up in my face.

You have a lot of support here. Keep posting and never feel you have to justify your thoughts.

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 16:24

An ex of mine left it in his work backpack. Never thought to check in there as it was full of junk usually.

WhiteLily86 · 14/01/2021 16:25

Another suggestion that I can't see in posts above....

Kitchen kickboards? Some are really well fixed on in some houses and in others can come away really easily! Just somewhere you might not have checked. You mentioned on top of cabinets, but what about down low, underneath them?

My mum used to keep a wedge of cash under hers Wink

tartantroosers · 14/01/2021 16:57

OP ignore some of the posters who seem to be in denial about the situation. YOU are the only one who knows your OH and his usual habits. I would describe this 'feeling' like you would know if the temperature in your house had gone up or down by a couple of degrees. Imperceptible to outsiders, but you would sense it. I've been in great relationships and also those where something just felt "off" for no reason. And I was always right, even though it took a while to come out. Please trust your own judgment (this is not the same as your "gut"). You know, and you need to find out. That is entirely normal and not to be pooh-poohed by anyone. Good luck. Don't play your hand.

OldEvilOwl · 14/01/2021 17:18

*I second coat pockets of coats I don’t wear, or underneath a drawer. I mean where you actually remove the full drawer, hide something then put the drawer back.

That’s where I used to hide my fags as a teen.*

Same - pull the bottom drawer out and look on the floor

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 17:23

There's no need to even engage with posts which are unhelpful, at this stage in a thread.

I definitely wouldn't even ask to borrow the spare phone, for a while. I'd just wait. Keep calm, let him get over the alertness. If something is happening, you WILL find out now. Maybe not for a little bit, but you will.

Unless... he is reading this thread. Do you think that's a possibility? Apologies if that's already been tackled.

Fluffyhairforever · 14/01/2021 17:42

Did anything transpire re the small scratch OP made on his normal phone?

MrsLighthouse · 14/01/2021 18:02

Check where he “pops” to frequently in the house ...bathroom ( behind bath panel ) or bedroom ( under drawers in socks ) or garage , wash bag ....just think of somewhere you would have n reason to go.

JEE87 · 14/01/2021 20:40

OP I think your doing the right thing!! Your not going to leave your relationship based on 'gut' & until you find anything then I think your doing the right thing!! I would be exactly the same!! X

AviciaJones · 14/01/2021 21:04

OP your first post was on the 8th January, only a week ago. That’s too long for some people, they want you to have have found the phone or packed up and LTB by now.

Take your time, trust your instincts and ignore those who forget this is your life, not a novel to read from beginning to end in a day.

Boonlark · 14/01/2021 21:23

Take your time. It sounds like he's on high alert right now. You may need to wait a while to see what happens when he's more relaxed again.

The reality is though, that you don't trust him. You're living in a state of high anxiety. Maybe it's worth asking yourself whether you deserve to be living free of that kind of stress? And, just to make it clear, he broke the trust, and that is the problem.

Hawkins001 · 15/01/2021 04:50

I'd suggest op. To study how to conduct some espionage countermeasures that may help you locate the phone.

mumnowformerrockstar · 15/01/2021 05:54

Being this paranoid isn't good for you op, physically and mentally. Maybe you should both try therapy

CoachCarter · 15/01/2021 05:58

Not sure if this has been suggested but did you look in the toilet cistern. The phone maybe in there in a zip lock bag.

Eeeekim40thisyear · 15/01/2021 10:16

I knew of a married man that hid his 2nd phone under the plinth of the sink unit in the en suite - apparently it clipped on so was easily removed. He used to hide it in his sock when he pulled up outside the house & go straight to the en suite to hide it.
His wife eventually found it when he dropped it when she was in bed & it came apart (years ago - think old style Nokia - back came off & battery came out), he tried to say it was his watch but she found it a few days later.