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Original poster

I think there’s another phone

367 replies

Dissillusioned · 08/01/2021 09:56

I may be paranoid but a couple of things lately have me thinking dp may have a secret phone.
I’ve looked but can’t find one, so I could be totally wrong but my gut is telling me to keep looking.
What I’m asking is, those that have found a secret phone, where was it hidden? I’m hoping there’s places I haven’t thought to look. I’m also hoping I’m wrong and just paranoid as I do have form for overthinking things, but I’m watching dp like a hawk right now.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 13/01/2021 13:11

I know this is hard but I'd be inclined to keep quiet for a bit longer, keep searching. You might think of new hiding places, he might slip up and you discover it, or you might find something else.

nolovelost · 13/01/2021 13:13

Could you try and stay awake later than him, catch him off guard, check under the bed on his side, check his clothes, check his car etc.

QuentinWinters · 13/01/2021 14:16

I think this has gone a bit far now.
You have absolutely no evidence that he has a second phone and your investigations have found nothing. I think you should accept that it wasn't a second phone. Not saying forget it but just try to move on unless/until something else comes to light.
Some of the posts on here are batshit and bordering on emotional abuse/stalking. You will drive yourself mad trying to prove a negative.

Heyahun · 13/01/2021 14:44

I can't believe this is still going on to be honest! if there is no other phone and he's up to nothing - the poor guy - sounds like no matter what happens you are never going to trust him !

Something else will come up in a few months i'm sure

Jobsharenightmare · 13/01/2021 18:17

@Heyahun it hasn't even been a week since OP inadvertently alerted her husband that she was suspicious. He's likely to be able to rein it in for longer than that to avoid getting caught!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/01/2021 18:39

Walk out of the loo cursing whilst dismantling your phone, nip the SIM card out and shove the handset in a bowl of rice. Ask him immediately to use the spare phone whilst yours “dries out” watch and see what his reaction is.

Heyahun · 13/01/2021 18:44

This is mental tbh ! If you really distrust him that much then your relationship has massive problems already

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 09:22

Walk out of the loo cursing whilst dismantling your phone, nip the SIM card out and shove the handset in a bowl of rice. Ask him immediately to use the spare phone whilst yours “dries out” watch and see what his reaction is.
Thanks, I think i will try this, I'll do when I'm not working though as I'll need a phone.
I could ask to use for someone else but I don't want to ask anyone to text me because I don't want to tell anyone in real life what I suspect, at the moment.

Heyahun Yes I know it sounds mental and I know relationships should be total trust, but when someone in that relationship is acting in a way that makes you doubt that, even a little bit, I'm the sort to try and find out why as opposed to sticking my head in the sand. Could be a totally innocent explanation. Or it could be something.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 14/01/2021 09:33

No need to justify yourself OP. Imagine if you just ignored it and in 2 years he walks out having got his ducks in a row to screw you over. You'd feel even worse. We all hope it's nothing but people we trust let us down all the time sadly.

Catty1720 · 14/01/2021 09:51

Agree with above. I hope your wrong and can sort trust issues out but if this is bothering you this much and it really feels wrong it needs sorting. The longer this goes on the more damage it’s doing to the relationship (if he’s not done anything) and your state of mind.

gannett · 14/01/2021 10:07

when someone in that relationship is acting in a way that makes you doubt that, even a little bit, I'm the sort to try and find out why as opposed to sticking my head in the sand

But if it's not this it'll be something else. You can read suspicious motives into every slightly odd thing if you try. If this is resolved are you really going to relax into 100% trust or are you still going to be on alert and driving yourself mad?

And yes people we trust can and do let us down all the time, and they can do this without any suspicious behaviour whatsoever. If you're in a relationship with someone then on some level you have to accept that, and take the risk. If you don't want to risk it that's actually understandable but that attitude makes for a relationship that's stressful and paranoid, not safe and relaxing like a relationship should be.

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 11:56

But op you are sticking your head in the sand now. Your sticking your head in the sand as to how dysfunctional your relationship has become.

Do you want to spend your whole life searching for a hidden phone? Or some other drama? If the trust is gone and you are splitting up and still wonder if you were right to be looking for the phone so keep searching on the off chance then fair enough. But you cant seriously think that it would be acceptable to continue dating the man after driving yourself nuts the last week looking for a second phone.

It would be an insult to him!
Imagine if things were reversed, would you think he was in a place where he should be in a relationship with anyone right now?

SendMeHome · 14/01/2021 12:09

Could still point to it being dead/redundant somewhere? Anyone know how long a phone might show in there after not being used for a period of time? Or does the fact its there mean its been used fairly recently?

Mine shows every device I've used with my Apple ID; some of which were years and years and years ago and have been dead for just as long.

I think you need to consider your next steps here. If you find that he's using a phone, you've got proof and you'll leave, fine.

But if you don't find proof, what are you going to do? Because you're spiralling like this. You'll never be able to stop searching for the phone. Nothing will ever be able to reassure you that there ISN'T a phone, because you can't prove a negative, so you'll always be looking for it. And that'll drive you insane, in the end... searching for something that doesn't exist.

Like I said, I don't know your partner. I don't know why he went downstairs, or what he freaked out about on the bed, or whether he has a second phone. Maybe he does. But if he doesn't, I don't see where this ends for you.

I'm not saying to stop looking. But I am saying that I'd be considering whether this is a relationship that it is at all healthy for you to be in, given everything that's at play, and where it stops. How do you stop searching if you can't find it?

Fluffyhairforever · 14/01/2021 12:23

Not particular elaborate; but could you "accidently" walk in on him if he sneaks off to the bathroom early on in the morning again?

Fluffyhairforever · 14/01/2021 12:29

Further to previous posters' ideas to ask to borrow his phone if yours is playing up; you have said that you couldn't do this during work because you need your phone during that time. However, you could use this to your advantage by creating a sense of urgency. E.g. "I have just dropped my phone in water, please can I borrow your old one for [important conference call with directors etc.]"

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 14/01/2021 13:06

I'm not spiralling and I'm not driving myself mad. Just to clear that up.

And sorry but when someone suddenly starts doing things they hadn't before like getting up in the night, seeming to hide things, I think most people would wonder why. And then seeing what looked like a phone in his hand. And the fact an old one seems to be missing.
Yes I could be wrong, I hope I am, but I am doing what I consider logical things to actually find out before outright accusing him of something.

And the logical things to do is to try and see if he visits anywhere other than the toilet in the night and to find where the old missing phone is.
I may well end up just asking him. But I can't imagine anyone who is using a secret phone would just admit to it. Without proof.

My relationship is otherwise pretty great. I asked for advice on where someone might hide a phone, if one should exist. And advise on how I can broach the subject of where the old phone is. Not advice on how mad I am or how I can't have a relationship at all if I can't blindly trust another person. I don't need to justify why i'm in this relationship, because until he started acting weird I had no reason to question anything.
And if things were reversed...... well, they wouldn't be, because I wouldn't suddenly just start acting weird for no reason. And if I did, I would fully understand my partner wondering why.

Anyways, since I think he suspects I know something is off, oddly enough theres been no odd buzzing sounds and no more midnight flits downstairs. And lots of proclamations of his undying love for me.

I will not still be searching for a phone in 2 years time, THAT is insane. And no there won't be something else in a couple of months, unless his behaviour goes all weird again, or something is obviously not right and then it'll be that which I'll be focusing on.

I'm just trusting my gut feeling here and I hope I am wrong, but I can't ignore it.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 14/01/2021 13:08

spare wheel compartment in boot of car

Happyone8 · 14/01/2021 13:08

Good luck op , I’d be doing the same thing . Are you going to ask to use his old phone then , what’s the plan ?

AlwaysLatte · 14/01/2021 13:10

It'll need charging somewhere private so check where hidden plugs are like washing machine plug in a cupboard/utility or loft/garage?

Boomboombroom · 14/01/2021 13:11

Anyways, since I think he suspects I know something is off, oddly enough theres been no odd buzzing sounds and no more midnight flits downstairs. And lots of proclamations of his undying love for me.

This is weird…
Something is definitely of @Dissillusioned
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

ivykaty44 · 14/01/2021 13:11

It'll need charging somewhere private so check where hidden plugs are like washing machine plug in a cupboard/utility or loft/garage?

power pack for charging

AlwaysLatte · 14/01/2021 13:19

Ah yes, power pack - good thought. So maybe one of those regularly on charge/in use? That would be odd when WFH and with access to a socket at all times...
On the other hand he might have given his old phone to someone? The gardener told me my DH had given him his old iPhone a few weeks ago because his was ancient and had packed up.

Isitsixoclockalready · 14/01/2021 13:27

Problem with this situation is trying to find proof of a negative. If you don't find anything, will that make you feel more assured? If there is any lack of trust in the/a relationship then this kind of thing will come up over and over again. The phone is a symptom not the root of the problem.

QuentinWinters · 14/01/2021 13:30

I wasn't trying to be critical of you disillusioned more concerned about the effect on you if you follow some of the crazy suggestions in here (tape recorder in the bathroom??!! Really?)
Also if it goes too far and your DH finds out you lose any high ground. I'd be livid if my DP was taping me on the toilet, even if I was having an affair. Its an unacceptable breach of privacy. If he's not having an affair and he finds out, he should definitely be leaving (not suggesting you are recording him BTW- just that was a suggestion upthread)
I think you have three options now:

  1. tell DH your concerns, give him an opportunity to come clean, but leave him under no illusions that if he lies to you its game over when you do find out (and mean it) 2,) move on and keep a watchful eye if there's a recurrence of odd behaviour in future
  2. fully trust your gut and leave him as you know he's lying Ongoing hunting for evidence is damaging to you and not guaranteed to show anything. Good luck with whatever you decide Flowers