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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think there’s another phone

367 replies

Dissillusioned · 08/01/2021 09:56

I may be paranoid but a couple of things lately have me thinking dp may have a secret phone.
I’ve looked but can’t find one, so I could be totally wrong but my gut is telling me to keep looking.
What I’m asking is, those that have found a secret phone, where was it hidden? I’m hoping there’s places I haven’t thought to look. I’m also hoping I’m wrong and just paranoid as I do have form for overthinking things, but I’m watching dp like a hawk right now.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/01/2021 17:29

No you don’t have to be perfect but ideally you’re not a paranoid mess. Have you had professional help for this? If you can’t trust him then end it

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 11/01/2021 17:31

We’re not married, but it’s being discussed.
So I need to know.
If I had found the old phone safe and sound and where it was supposed to be, I’d probably just assume ultimately there’s an innocent explanation for the other stuff, but as that’s nowhere to be found, it’s just reinforcing my gut feeling.
Should I just blindly trust my partner? He isn’t making that blind trust very easy to be honest.
Does he deserve better if it turns out there’s no secret phone? Maybe.
All I’m doing is trusting my gut, and if things were reversed and my dp had trust issues, and ghosts in his past that required validating my commitment every now and then I’d be doing whatever he needed me to do to reassure and prove my love and commitment.
If he needed to access my phone whenever, no issue.
If he needed reassurance I love him 100 times a day, no issue.
If he got paranoid about something I’d done, I’d ensure it was righted and him reassured.
If he’s been hunting for a secret phone I didn’t have, I’d tell him I loved him, I tell him I understood why he did it and make sure he was ok. Whatever it takes for him to feel safe in our relationship.

Right now, im flying between wanting to trust him and wanting to trust my gut.

OP posts:
Strike000 · 11/01/2021 17:38

If he has a second phone, how is he paying for it? It could be pay as you go, but if it’s listed as a second number on his account you might be able to find the number and call the number (withheld) to get it to buzz. Can you log into the account for his normal phone and see if it’s on there as a second number?

Kintsugi16 · 11/01/2021 17:44

It’s not a case of ‘if you can’t trust him then end it’ though is it? The OP is wary because of past experiences and this will just continue into the next relationship.

I hoping that it’s nothing and the OP is reassured.

Personally, I would never fully trust anyone ever, and think that anyone who does is a fool. Does that mean I should never have relationships or friendships with anyone?
Of course not

PhilCornwall1 · 11/01/2021 17:47

Personally, I would never fully trust anyone ever, and think that anyone who does is a fool. Does that mean I should never have relationships or friendships with anyone?

I'd agree with this. The only person you 100% know if they are going to do something or not, is yourself.

nolovelost · 11/01/2021 17:49

Trust your gut.

BigFatLiar · 11/01/2021 18:01

Personally, I would never fully trust anyone ever, and think that anyone who does is a fool. Does that mean I should never have relationships or friendships with anyone?

Friendships fine, FWB fine. Any deeper relationship (marriage/moving in) no. If you were going to look at a LTR then without trust its pointless.

purpleboy · 11/01/2021 18:02

I really hope it turns out to be nothing, but for sure trust your gut.

BigFatLiar · 11/01/2021 18:08

f he got paranoid about something I’d done, I’d ensure it was righted and him reassured.
If he’s been hunting for a secret phone I didn’t have, I’d tell him I loved him, I tell him I understood why he did it and make sure he was ok.

Does he know you're getting paranoid about it? Or that you're hunting for a secret phone? He can't reassure you about it if he doesn't know that's what's bothering you but at the same time you can't tell him in case he hides the evidence.

His behaviour is suspicious. Your's may well be heading that way too.

gannett · 11/01/2021 18:12

Personally, I would never fully trust anyone ever, and think that anyone who does is a fool. Does that mean I should never have relationships or friendships with anyone?

Trust is a choice, not a certainty.

You can't know for sure what someone is thinking or what they might do in the future. You can let that uncertainty consume or control you - or not. The choice to acknowledge but be free of the uncertainty isn't foolish, nor blind - it's because the alternative is no way to live.

gannett · 11/01/2021 18:13

And not to add to the OP's paranoia but it's curious that the assumption for 10 pages is unanimous that phone = affair.

There are unfortunately a fair few other shady things a secret phone could indicate beyond cheating.

Heyahun · 11/01/2021 18:46

Oh gawd this is just spiralling even further - if my husband told me he needed access to my phone because he needs reassurance - I’d not be ok with that because it would say to me he doesn’t trust me and it feels controlling! It’s not up to me to prove constantly there’s nothing going on / I’m not cheating on him when I’m actually doing nothing on!

You definitely need some help for this op - it will follow you around forever this lack of being able to trust anybody!

If your husband doesn’t have another phone on the go - will that be enough for you to move on and get back to normal - or will something else come up in a few weeks that makes you start questioning things again?

BrilliantBetty · 11/01/2021 19:10

My friend saw her husband with what she thought was a phone (different colour to his normal phone) she got really suspicious. Don't know where she found it but the object turned out to be a fake vagina wanking toy.

She'd got suspicious before she saw the object in his hand coming out the loo because he'd started spending a lot of time in there.

Kintsugi16 · 11/01/2021 19:18

@BrilliantBetty

My friend saw her husband with what she thought was a phone (different colour to his normal phone) she got really suspicious. Don't know where she found it but the object turned out to be a fake vagina wanking toy.

She'd got suspicious before she saw the object in his hand coming out the loo because he'd started spending a lot of time in there.

Ah well, that’s ok then HmmGrin
queenofSI · 11/01/2021 19:24

this is utter madness OP

NovemberRain2 · 11/01/2021 20:02

OP I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. I went through something similar with my XH and there was a second phone and there was an affair.

It's very easy for people to say "just end it if you don't trust him" but I know how it feels to be in limbo and hope that it's just you going slightly mad. Especially when there are kids involved.

I hope you get closure on this soon as it must be causing a lot of stress.

roxisolerenshaw · 11/01/2021 20:20

My friends told me I was paranoid, one said I should go into therapy for my paranoia. When I finally found out the truth about my partners double life part of me was elated to realise I wasn't crazy and that I was actually very perceptive.
Your sixth sense is your gut feeling...listen to that. The truth will come out.

LowestEbb · 11/01/2021 20:34

I also agree you should trust your gut and get as much evidence either way Flowers

BigFatLiar · 11/01/2021 21:15

Hope you're ok.

He may be up to something, he may not. No one here can say.

It may be an unpopular thing to say but I'd talk to him about what's giving you suspicions. He may lie, he may not. We can't know, you may not even know at first. You've previously been betrayed and find it difficult to trust. Someone betraying your trust is not your fault and isn't a reason not to trust again.

WindyRose · 11/01/2021 23:20

Was thinking of you tonight OP as I was watching TV...nothing unusual about that...but, I could hear a phone ringing. Different ring tone from mine but got up to check anyway, nothing. Ringing stopped then started again about a minute later. This repeated several times and I'm sure it was coming from a neighbours vehicle parked out front of my house.

He parks there all the time (much to my annoyance, but nothing I can do about that) and I've noticed he often leaves their house, sits in his vehicle, uses the phone then returns to their house, but I've never heard it ringing previously so I guess he's accidentally left it switched on...LOL I also think the phone was outside the vehicle, such as in the wheel arch or somewhere like that, so I will watch to see if he accesses his 'hiding' place.

Thinking of you and totally agree you should trust your gut instinct, but remember to look after yourself at the same time. Flowers

Alternista · 11/01/2021 23:32

Bit gobsmacked at the phone that turned out to be a fake vagina Grin

Oh OP, I really hope it turns out to be nothing for you.

Mintyt · 12/01/2021 07:43

Try now to put this to bed, and enjoy what you have rather than driving yourself mad. Now I know this is very hard but you have to do this. Just be on your guard a little bit and things will either settle down and become in the past or something will happen, but I think not in this case. Every other thing you say about him points to him not being up to anything. I know this goes against the MN grain but it's how I feel. This is no way to live on edge all the time. Try to let things calm down and enjoy what you have, you have looked and looked. Set traps and found nothing so now stop

Changi · 12/01/2021 08:10

Bit gobsmacked at the phone that turned out to be a fake vagina Grin

I'm a bit gobsmacked that the only noticeable difference was the colour.

Original poster
Dissillusioned · 12/01/2021 09:14

Checked the find my phone bit on his phone last night and there's another iphone listed under the devices section. It says location not found, so I guess that means its switched off.
Could still point to it being dead/redundant somewhere? Anyone know how long a phone might show in there after not being used for a period of time? Or does the fact its there mean its been used fairly recently?

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 12/01/2021 09:16

OK so when did you last change WiFi provider? It shouldn't be listed now if he got his new phone after a switch.

I guess you need to check when he's in the toilet, or "taking a work call" in the garden etc...if it comes on then you know.