Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

Try explaining that you do not expect to be told what to do in your own house like a child. I can understand your DW wanting space in the freezer etc but it’s disrespectful of her to bin something that you explicitly told her you wanted to keep. Is this a power struggle?

Hi @Pickle48,

Do you find that your partner has a tendency to be controlling in other ways- separate to things you own?

I would ask how exactly is it affecting her? Put the ice pack in a box of fishfingers or something else in the freezer and then she can’t complain it’s in the way and explicitly tell her you will be keeping the nice box as it will be used again.

If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument
Sounds like you might need to bring up this subject in a less confrontative way - would probably be quite hard, but e.g. discussing it when there hasn't been a recent incident, and deliberately trying to avoid discussion of any specific incident. Then also trying to make it clear that you are not saying that she is wrong and you are right, or that she is good and you are bad, if you see what I mean?
Difficult situation, though. You'd probably be better off bringing in outside help.

When the incidents occur, what arguments do you use to try to make her see it from your POV?

She sounds like a controlling arse!

I think it is a power struggle yes :(

So with the ice bag, the thing is the freezer wasn't anywhere near full but she just said "when its in there, its hard to find other stuff".
I know that if I then reply to that, it will just turn into an argument so I back down.

I've told her I'm unhappy and that things need to change. She had admitted she can be controlling, but 15 months on and nothing has changed. I think things are getting magnified in lockdown. (I do all the cooking and I just told her what I am doing for dinner and she just said "again...." It was about 2 months when I last cooked this dish and its really hard thinking of dishes when you do lunch and dinner 7 days a week.

It takes 2 to have an argument. If something is not negotiable for you, set a boundary. So, if she wants to throw something out that you want to keep, explain to her what will happen if you find she's thrown it out. You'll be able to find an appropriate action, based on things you do in the relationship to make her life easier. Follow through.

Don't argue. Tell her what the consequences of her actions will be. That's all the words you need. It's a respectful way to deal with the problem, because it leaves the choice up to her. She is not being respectful towards you.

I think it is a power struggle yes

The relationship is likely over, then. If it's more important to have the power than it is to respect your partners preferences.

Tell her ?

You sound scared of challenging her because you’re scared of an argument, so you appease her. She is using that against you to control you and get her own way. Your fear is her power. So you stop giving her power by no longer being afraid of arguing your corner (way easier said than done of course). What’s @Eckhart said seems a good way.

So with the ice bag, the thing is the freezer wasn't anywhere near full but she just said "when its in there, its hard to find other stuff".
I know that if I then reply to that, it will just turn into an argument so I back down.
This is a question of opinion - she has one opinion, you have another. Neither of you is "right", so an argument won't get you anywhere.
The issue you have is that in this situation, she always wins. If you won sometimes and she won sometimes, then you wouldn''t be as frustrated.
So you need to address the fact that she always wins, not the difference of opinion.

I do agree with the above poster that when these little things turn into a power struggle, it's a sign that you probably just find each other annoying. Two people who find each other annoying is not a relationship.

So, e.g. say "OK, so we disagree on this. One of us will have to compromise, whose turn is it?"

How much housework and cooking and clutter clearing and food prep do you do?

OK. So the issue is not 'the ice bag' or the ' box' these are representative of something else. She has chosen to us these to force a power-play on some other aspect of your relationship.
My guess is that she feels not heard, under pressure, not helped out or you are both on different pages on how you keep or dispose of items.
Everything means something and in relationships where discussion is not healthy the battle ground is the toothpaste lid or the paper not put away.
So - ask yourself - what does it really mean?
Is it control? Tidiness? Hidden anger? Frustration at your ambivalence?

I'd start a conversation that began ' Tell me what you thought about keeping the ice packs?/ box. I would not use the word ' Why' in a situation like this.

Its not really about these things but they are the vehicle by which she can own and gain power and immediate feedback and maybe her relationship model only sees communication as push/ pull.

You can't fix somebody else abusing you.

You leave the relationship.

You are completely within your rights to have your own possessions in your own house and to do what you want with those possessions.
The ice pack i can kind of see because its packaging material that you decided to reuse. If you keep all packing material it can quickly stack up.
The box however was a gift to you so its none of her business what you do with it.

You need to start standing up for your rights in the relationship.

There's a list here which i found helpful

www.iamcourageous.org/courageous-youth/relationship-rights-and-reponsbilities

@Eckhart I don't want the power per se, but I do want to feel loved and appreciated. And I want to be treated like an adult and not like a child.

@ravenmum
I agree I do find it hard, its not a natural talent and I have to work on it. But I am trying to better myself and learn (reading books, blogs etc) and coming here. So the convo would be something like

• DW why did you take it out of the bin
• Me I said I wanted to keep it for sport, and the freezer isn't that full"
• DW You are not keeping it

And it would be at that point that I would likely concede. We had couples counselling back in March. She was reluctant, I organised it. In the end I stopped organising it after three months as I felt it was no longer productive. The counselor said that DW was driving the relationship forward, and that I was a passenger and ambivalent. Maybe I was in the wrong to stop it, but it felt as though the blame was on me. When we stopped my DW said that no wonder the relationship is cr-ap if I don't want to work on it. I think it was the point where my DW said that she doesn't want to have sex with me because doing housework doesn't make her feel sexy.. that I felt maybe it was a bit manipulative.

I do all the cooking and I just told her what I am doing for dinner and she just said "again...." It was about 2 months when I last cooked this dish and its really hard thinking of dishes when you do lunch and dinner 7 days a week

Your response to this is like a victim. Can you choose a healthier response even if she comments disdainfully. The more healthy your response the harder it is to respond in a negative.
Like:
' I didn't realise I had cooked it recently, when was the last time we ate this?
' Oh, maybe I should choose something else, is this not a dish you like?
'What about if we work on pulling together food ideas we both like info a folder then its easy to choose, what do you think?

You fall into victim and she gains more power. Shift it by being reasonable and gently challenging. You could both work on communication. Have a look at Esther Perel - she is super on his sort of stuff.

Sorry, final post.
'I don't want the power per se, but I do want to feel loved and appreciated. And I want to be treated like an adult and not like a child"

If you don't want to be treated like a child then act like an adult. If this were a work colleague you would say she is gaslighting you. You have to state your needs to get them met even if it involves getting hurt.

What was your dads relationship with your mum like?

@Pickle48

I think it is a power struggle yes :(

So with the ice bag, the thing is the freezer wasn't anywhere near full but she just said "when its in there, its hard to find other stuff".
I know that if I then reply to that, it will just turn into an argument so I back down.

I've told her I'm unhappy and that things need to change. She had admitted she can be controlling, but 15 months on and nothing has changed. I think things are getting magnified in lockdown. (I do all the cooking and I just told her what I am doing for dinner and she just said "again...." It was about 2 months when I last cooked this dish and its really hard thinking of dishes when you do lunch and dinner 7 days a week.

What did you say to her when she said "again" .... ?

*- DW why did you take it out of the bin

• Me I said I wanted to keep it for sport, and the freezer isn't that full
• DW You are not keeping it*

So you are trying to argue by defending your opinion, rather than addressing the fact that you both have an opinion, and both deserve to "win" sometimes.

How about if you avoid defending your opinion:
DW - why did you take it out of the bin
You - I want to keep it. You don't want to keep it. Whose turn is it to compromise?

I don't want the power per se, but I do want to feel loved and appreciated. And I want to be treated like an adult and not like a child

You want more power than she wants you to have. It's not wrong, but it is part of a power struggle.

@Jakey056 The thing is, that I feel I am acting like an adult. Its pertinent that you ask about my parents and my DW is saying that I am projecting their issues onto us. My Dad is non-confrontational, and does everything. My mum is manipulative and refuses to take acceptance for her own issues.

I'm just tired of it all. We have no kids BTW. So when she said she didn't want that dish again, by response was "well how about I cook X instead". I thought that was a pretty mature way of dealing it. She said "I dont like your X". Now in the past I would have then responded by saying "well you just cook then"... But I have stopped doing that as I realised I was at fault. It just feels like there is no way out if the conversation...

Have you considered that you might just not be very compatible, and might both be happier with someone else?

I don't understand why you think you are behaving maturely. To my ears you are being a doormat.

Your last example when you wife says "again?" regarding the meal you last cooked two months ago.

You say "well how about I cook X instead?"

I would have said "take it or leave it you rude cow!" Not really. But you could have said, "well that's what I'm making, we last had it two months ago. If you don't want it, find something else yourself."

She is treating you like shit .