Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

Op, please don't have children with this woman. You'll never be allowed to do anything or decide anything for your child.
She's very controlling and very rude bordering verbally abusive , sounds like she does NOT like you at all.
No wonder you have depression. This relationship does not work op. I think you need to have faith in yourself to decide to end it, move on, work on your self esteem and be happy without her.

This isn’t a life OP. It’s a prison sentence.

@Pickle48

Wow... thanks everyone. There is so much here that its going to take a while to digest and work from. Its really useful though.

I do struggle with confrontation. As I have said, I have started to stand my ground more but it usually goes two ways. Sometimes she will get loud and just speak louder and louder. It culminated with a row that ended when she screamed and then slammed the door at me. She admitted a few weeks later than she had anger issues. In her defense she has got better. But she has gone almost the opposite way. Now she will just stay quiet and do a lot of whistling. I know I have pissed her off when she goes like that, but when I ask her whats up she just says nothing.

On the attachment, I agree my parents are so detached you could fit the grand canyon between them. I think I fell into that roll, but as I have grown older I am not sure its what I want.

Well we havent had sex for years and yes I was getting frustrated. So after a while of working on myself and thinking about what I wanted I told her that I though the sexless relationship was as a result of the dynamic outside the bedroom. She says I'm not very manly... I have no confidence anymore

I think maybe early on in the relationship I was fine being the child. Maybe I didn't know anything else.

You can't reason with the unreasonable, which is exactly what she is.

Start reading up about emotional abuse. Sounds like you're on the receiving end. There are plenty of threads on here. As a pp pointed out, you can't fix that. You can't control someone else's behaviour only your own. for you.

That comment about the dinner was rude. You don't have to accommodate, accept or appease rude. If she does that again just make one portion of food for yourself. Not as punishment, but because she's told you she doesn't want it.

Your post I've quoted here shows how her behaviour escalates when she's challenged. The whistling is passive aggressive. Won't tell you what's wrong, letting you stew, letting you fret, mind games. The shouting is aggressive. Be prepared for further escalation into violence.

Her having anger issues doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You don't want to leave. Nobody ever wants to leave! That's why they end up deeper and deeper into an abusive relationship (I've been there). Nobody want to accept that their partner is horrible, that the lovely person they fell in love with doesn't actually exist and was an act. They want their partner to be nice, reasonable, a decent person. You don't want to leave. That reaction is normal, doesn't make it right though.

Emotional abuse wears you down. There's something wrong but you can't quite put your finger on it. Is it you? She says it's you, you question yourself. She says you're "lesser than" to her and she doesn't like it. That's kind of why abusive relationships never work. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. She did this to you and now she doesn't like you for it. If you learn assertiveness (which you should) and start standing up to her, she won't like that either and her behaviour will escalate.

Why don't you tell her to make her own dinner if she doesn't like it? You're not her servant

“If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument.”

So have the argument. The reason she does this is because she knows you will always back down and she will get her own way. Oh, and because she’s a complete cow.

@BestWatcherInTheUnit

“If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument.”

So have the argument. The reason she does this is because she knows you will always back down and she will get her own way. Oh, and because she’s a complete cow.

Having the argument is not a good idea, because it demonstrates that you feel the need to justify and prove your point. You need to state your boundaries, the consequences, and then stick to them.

Arguing your point is a good idea when you're not being abused.

Don’t ever kids with this woman and don’t explain away or psychoanalyse yourself in order to mollify or affirm her.

She is not bossy. She is not strong willed or sensible. She is controlling and abusive.

Leave and be happier on your own or with someone who will cherish you.

There’s no reason to put up with this, it’s not a marriage, it’s a farce. Start the divorce process rolling and enjoy your life. Christ, do not impregnate her, the last thing this dying planet needs is yet more fucked up people bred into it. I wish the people who produced me had taken that advice.

I would rather be single than live like that.

I would not want to bring children into the world to be parented by someone who does what you have described your wife does.

Leave her.

What’s your personality like at work? Do you avoid confrontation there too? Would your work colleagues recognise home you?

@Longtalljosie I generally avoid confrontation. I had a heart to heart with my Dad and he said that I had inherited it from him and that he was sorry.

At work I am too passive yes. I work in a very small close team, we socialise a lot outside work. They see me at work as being very hard working and extremely resilient. I've had to work so hard to get where I am today. I faced many failures and setbacks. My DW said that maybe these failures are the cause of my mental state, and the cause of the deterioration of the relationship.

(p.s My Dad is the hardest working man I've ever known)

You might have learnt it from him, but you didn't inherit it. This means you can unlearn it.

Saying what you need and want isn't confrontation, unless you're saying it to someone confrontational. Start surrounding yourself with less confrontational people. People who make you at ease. People who get you.

Have you got anybody in your life like that at the moment?

@Jakey056

I do all the cooking and I just told her what I am doing for dinner and she just said "again...." It was about 2 months when I last cooked this dish and its really hard thinking of dishes when you do lunch and dinner 7 days a week

Your response to this is like a victim. Can you choose a healthier response even if she comments disdainfully. The more healthy your response the harder it is to respond in a negative.
Like:
' I didn't realise I had cooked it recently, when was the last time we ate this?
' Oh, maybe I should choose something else, is this not a dish you like?
'What about if we work on pulling together food ideas we both like info a folder then its easy to choose, what do you think?

You fall into victim and she gains more power. Shift it by being reasonable and gently challenging. You could both work on communication. Have a look at Esther Perel - she is super on his sort of stuff.

How about 'If you don't like it, cook something yourself?'

But she says she likes me.
What do her actions say?

I want kids desperately, she says she wants kids too but she doesn't think I would be a good Dad and said that I need to improve
Please find someone who doesn't think this and get on with being the kind of dad you want to be.

Why did your dad apologise for being who he is? Has he also been ground down over the years by his partner?

this is fucking hilarious! There is another thread running where the wife admits to nagging over minor irritations (like the OP's wife here) and is told it is the DH (despite her admitting he is otherwise a good DH) who is a lazy bastard with no standards.

Same thing here but from the other side, although also a DH, and its the opposite advice. It really does depend on whose telling the story.

OP, I'll give the same advice. She is not right for you in this relationship. You are not compatible. She is controlling and that is abusive. Get out now.

Sorry have just skim read this. Your DW does seems very critical of just about everything/area that you do. House, cooking, work, potential dad. But is she every critical/take criticism well?

Your relationship just seems highly unhealthy, destructive and you must both be feeling miserable. The thing I'm struggling with here is you seem to be doing everything to try and 'change'. Is your wife taking any responsibility for her own behaviour and working to improve herself (aside admitting she has anger issues)? I seems like whatever comes out of your mouth she has something nasty and degrading to say for no reason other than to be spiteful and break you down. I'm genuinely curious why you want to stay with her? Assuming you are fairly young (you mention wanting kids) why do you feel like she's the best thing in terms of a love that life has to offer? Have you thought about your own self worth whilst you reflect? I'm not talking about reflecting and thinking "yeah I'm passive and not manly" because a. Passive isn't always a bad thing and b. That's just something spiteful your wife has told you. I'm talking about reflecting on how YOU see yourself and the positives, like you are a hard worker, obviously caring etc etc. This could really help with your confidence and come to a decision as to how you want to live your life and if its with your wife. I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I know someone who used to be in a relationship like this. For the record he is divorced and is now happily engaged to the love of his life with a baby. Sorry this is such a long post, I couldn't just read and run!

I think it was the point where my DW said that she doesn't want to have sex with me because doing housework doesn't make her feel sexy.. that I felt maybe it was a bit manipulative.

This comment was interesting to me. How much of the housework does she do, and how much do you do? (Is she a SAHW?)

Why did you think it was a manipulative comment rather than an honest one? There are many, many threads on here with women who no longer find their husbands attractive because they're treated like a skivvy. I wonder if she's just fed up of tidying up after you?

You both do not sound happy - it suits her to be with you as she has her own issues. She sounds very domineering.,
I would go to therapy by yourself actually.
She is abusive to you. You may not see it.
I know as I could be like her with my ex husband.
I was very controlling but so was he.
She has her own issues from her child hood.
Have a look at Coda - it’s for adults who have co dependent relationships.
Does she have any good qualities - she’s stringing you along re kids - how old are you?

OP,

It is a wonderful quality to be hard working and to succeed through hard work.

You say you are resilient.....you can move on from this bloody awful relationship.

You have faced difficulties and overcome them.

This is just another one.

Ffs...don't wait around for a child with a woman who treats you like shit and doesn't want to have sex with you.

Your relationship is dead, over, long gone.

Stop thinking about fixing it.
It's over.

Get your head together, reach out for support and get the hell out of this awful relationship so you can meet someone who will love you and have sex with you, so you can have that family you would like.

Honestly, just reading this is upsetting. Yes, it's a good life skill to be assertive and learning to be more assertive will certainly improve your life.

BUT it will only ever go so far with a partner who is unreasonable and unwilling to look at their own behaviour. Take the soap dish example above - the husband made a point assertively, and the poster listened, took what he was saying on board and adapted. The key is that she cares about him so was willing to change.

If someone is emotionally abusive (I agree with pps that it sounds like this is so) rather than just having a blind spot, then all the adapting and compromising is for you to do. And then your partner may or may not throw you a bone.

I don't feel it's ok to suggest that if someone only comes up with the perfect responses and reactions then they can get their partner to treat them properly. My DF was (is) emotionally abusive. He's worse when challenged, however mature the challenge. And I've been schooled in the strategies too. He becomes louder, more aggressive, more extreme, more belittling. He just won't tolerate not being in control and will do anything to put you back in the subservient position. It's a good strategy to try and can work on occasion, but sometimes I have to walk away. My DM did this by divorcing him, and it's offensive to me to to suggest that if she'd been more assertive he wouldn't have have behaved as he did.

I also take issue that being passive is somehow a fault equal to being controlling. There is no excuse for treating someone the way the DW is treating OP.

OP, you say you want to stay with your wife, but you should consider that if this is not a case of both partners being willing to adapt then it's better for you to get out.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I cooked the dish last night - it wasn't lasagne but it was similar, where you have to make several elements and then bring it all together and cook it. So it took a couple of hours, in and out of the kitchen whilst also working from home. I got excited when the initial response was that "it tastes good". But then I felt a bit deflated when the next sentence was "but is it worth all the effort".

To the poster who said how much do I do. Well there is just the two of us. Hand on my heart I know I pull my weight, if not more. Since lockdown her work has go busier and mine maybe a bit more flexible. I've done all the cooking and 80% of the ironing and we split the cleaning equally. She has started to say that I'm too slow at cleaning though. The bit that gets to me though is that when we talk about the dynamic and the house work we do she will just say "yea, you've probably improved in lockdown but before that I did most of it". Its not true, and I explain that I did a fair share before lockdown as well she just says that its bullsht. I dont know how to have a mature conversation anymore when her view of events differs to mine.

This morning I said that I was going to wash my bed sheets (she asked me to move out of the bedroom as I've not been sleeping and it was impacting her) and did she want any or her washing doing. She then started questioning as to why the hell was I washing my sheets. That I only washed them earlier in the week and why was I doing them again. I said "no its been around 10 days" and so I think its time for a swap. And then she just says that I'm making it up. To be honest I just feel numb and when she is talking I just think to myself "why... why...why". Who cares whether is was 2 days or 10 days of three weeks. Why would anyone

I started the post by saying don't advise me to LTB. The reason being is deep down I think I know thats what I need to do. But how the hell do you have that conversation. I've never once accused her of anything, and actually the first time we ever talked about emotional abuse was when she said that I was "making her out to be an abusive partner". I just said no I'm not, I am just telling you how I feel. And as I said before she has said in the past "I know I am controlling at times, but you let me"

Oh and the freezer pack is back in the bin. I'm done on that front.

You leave her by telling her how you feel. You don't have to refer to her behaviour at all. You just use sentences that start with 'I feel'. You refer to 'the relationship' rather than 'her behaviour'. You tell her 'I want to leave this relationship'.

Whatever she says in response, ('You're exaggerating', 'I haven't done anything wrong', 'You're an arsehole', 'I will jump off a high building if you leave') you say to her that, as individuals, you are each responsible for your own responses to your feelings, and that you are bound to feel different, and that's why you need to break up: because you have different emotional responses to things.

That's all you need. No picking apart of history, no discussions about who is wrong and who is right. No arguments. Just quiet self respect. Tell her you're leaving because you're not happy, and tell her that you understand if she doesn't like it, but you're still leaving. Don't be afraid to physically walk away if she starts being unreasonable.

Maintain your dignity. You will thank yourself for this more than anything. Stay calm. Do not be pulled into her drama. She will try.

@Eckheart I couldn't have said it better myself. Sound bit of advice here. I would also just make sure you speak to a lawyer before your wife to make sure you're OK financially etc. Although it feels horrible to think that way, from how you describe your wife, it would be in your best interests to seek advice on what to do before talking to her. That's the first step in getting some independence from her and a hopefully get you on the road to happiness.

It is very difficult to change a controlling person. If you are determined not to split up over this then I recommend looking in to your own family of origin issues and why you cannot handle conflict. For me, the reason I couldn't handle conflict was because I didn't trust myself not to lose it. I either accept ten tonnes of shit or I push back on a boundary, I met with resistance and I fucking lose it altogether then and go down in flames. I fine it difficult to calmly defend a boundary and defend that boundary in such a way that the atmosphere doesn't turn to shit.

I wish you good luck figuring it out! I have lived through this and I escaped! My x gave out to me for taking the bus to the next down instead of the train. The train was quicker but I wanted to see the route the bus took in case I drove the route. He got annoyed with me that I hadn't taken the train like he said, even though he was not with me and he was at work. I think that was the point at which I realised that he had a real problem, but that it was me that was suffering!