Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

OK @Pickle48, a couple of questions for you:

1. Do you believe that she wants you to be happy and fulfilled? and if 'yes'

• why do you think you're so unhappy?

and if 'no'

• why are you with her?

Just answer those. First and quickest answer that comes into your head. Don't think twice or second guess.

Well as a PP said, you dont sound passive to me, but nice, considerate and easy to live with.

I also agree with PP who said that it is very clear that she sees nothing at all wrong with her behaviour and will not be changing.

This you now know to be a fact. So....are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this? If you are not, get yourself onto Rightmove tomorrow and get yourself somewhere new.

EarthSight yes, why not?

@eckhart my first gut response to that question was "no I dont think so". But even if it was yes, then...

... I'm unhappy because we dont have sex, we dont do what other couples do, and I don't have a family of my own.
... why I am with her - because I dont have the strength or belief in my own decisions to leave.

For example, she has been understandably been very upset. It hurts me to see her this way. My actions have caused her to be unhappy and I cant live with that guilt. If I had said nothing, she would have had a pleasant day.

I admit that I've nothing to compare with, this is my first real LTR. She said that her behaviour is just normal, partner arguments. And that I cant keep talking about an event that happened a year ago when she got aggressive because it's on the past.

Sorry for using this as a place to gather my thoughts. I think the sex issue is real. She has a friend who is pregnant and she says that they are pretty sexless, but just decided to have a baby and had sex for a month. It makes me think that maybe she just doesn't want sex with me other to conceive. She said was that she doesnt feel comfortable being naked around me.

2021 so far :(

If she doesn't want children with you because you're not good enough or need to improve then that's reason enough to leave. Also if you did have children then who's to say she wouldn't criticise your parenting skills too and then feed that into your child? I think you know what you need to do but it's not easy, especially at the moment.

find some freedom. She sounds unhappy and domineering. You sound unhappy. You can't change anything in life but yourself.

OP I have read the whole thread and can see no warmth and affection in your relationship, all couples argue and disagree but I don't think you really "like" each other do you?
Do you enjoy spending time with one another? She obviously doesn't fancy you and this is very hard to accept for you, but why waste any more time being miserable.
The only reason she got upset when you mentioned splitting was because she doesn't want to alter the status quo, she is okay with your compliance to her way of doing/having things.
if you are not a naturally assertive person, get out now as she is not going to miraculously become the partner you want.
The lack of sex is awful, (my first marriage was like this) craving affection and intimacy and being brushed aside is awful and lowers your self esteem.
Tell her quite firmly what you want from your marriage if its not forthcoming call time.
Good luck, life is all too short don't waste yours!

Your marriage is clearly over but it appears to be convenient for her.

You have been very brave and have said you want to separate, a great first step.

Repeat this.
Start organising yourself.

Just because having an emotional punching bag around suit her, doesn't mean you have to comply.

Continue to move forward.

Billy's Right. The grass isn't greener on the other side its greener where you water it. But the ground has to be fertile in the first place.

You sound like a good and kind man.
Please stay strong and stick with your decision to separate.

Be careful with any manipulative behaviour from her in the meantime. Make sure you have copies of all important paperwork and safeguard yourself with finances.

Don’t resume a sexual relationship with her if she suggests this. The worst thing you could do is have a child with her. She is likely to start saying anything you want to hear when she realises you are serious about leaving. BUT her behaviour will NOT magically change - Remember this.

From what you have said the marriage is over and you deserve much more more from a relationship. She is abusive and every time she behaves badly she finds a way to blame her bad behaviour on you. This is wrong on every level and please do not put up with it for a moment longer.

Work on your self confidence, build yourself back up again and regain your life. Good luck to you for the future.

She absolutely detests you but wants a baby and is worried that it won't happen if she ends this quite frankly miserable relationship. She has a case of sunk cost fallacy and is using it to excuse her abusive behaviour towards you. She sees nothing wrong with her behaviour because she resents you, detests you and feels stuck because she has invested so much into the relationship that she would rather make you both miserable than potentially end up on her own and maybe miss her chance of being a mum. And you have been passively allowing yourself to be treated this way. You need individual therapy to work on your doormat tendencies so you can extricate yourself from this situation safely and make sure you don't fall into similar patterns in future relationships. You deserve better, you deserve a partner that doesn't detest you but actually loves you.

So she has friends who also have a dysfunctional, and odd sexual relationship? Wow, who'd have thought it? . Don't let her use this to justify her behaviour towards you. It is NOT normal in a loving, healthy relationship.

Don't bring a child into this. Watching your Dad being constantly criticised, (and maybe getting it to) is no way for a child to live.

Leave. There is something wrong with her, and you can't fix it.

I hate that people are calling you a doormat. I was really abused by my last partner and learnt to keep quiet and just let him rant at me. It doesn’t make you a doormat it just means that you’re trying to defuse the situation. Would you even feel comfortable being intimate with her anymore? I can’t imagine it being an enjoyable experience with someone who is actually your bully? I really think you need to get out and find a woman who loves you and fancies the pants off you!

She said that her behaviour is just normal, partner arguments

This doesn't matter. Why would it matter? Why do you think you should need to compare your situation with that of others? Your situation stands alone. You might be happy with things others aren't, or you might be unhappy with things that other people are ok with. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

As soon as you start thinking about whether or not you should be happy, you minimise whether or not you are happy.

Who do you think decides whether you should be happy?

You need to ask yourself why you feel so guilty about her being upset when she clearly has no qualms about squashing your emotional happiness.

She says she loves you but her behaviour shows contempt and disrespect. And this isn’t normal partner arguments - it’s controlling and abusive. She sets it up so no matter what you do you are in the wrong and lies to you about events you know happened.

Can you imagine what it would be like if you did have a baby together and she behaved like this about you being a parent? That she would simply give orders on how to be around the baby and criticise everything you did - making it impossible for you to be a decent parent? That alone should give you the strength you need to get out of this abuse - I hope it does.

Besides, you grew up watching your dad get criticised constantly and went on to pick a similar situation for yourself. Do you really want a child of yours to be round three in this dysfunctional generational legacy? Do you want to live out the rest of your life like your dad? And for your
child to experience the same? My suggestion would be to get some individual therapy to address this. You CAN choose a different path for yourself if you decide not to stay and perpetuate this cycle.

OP,

Please do not under any circumstances bring an innocent child into this utterly toxic relationship and home.

She sounds as if she would use the child to berate and control you.

You would only be making your situation a 100 times worse having a child with a woman who actively dislikes you.

Also it sounds as if she is gaslightening you about the past.

She has shown you who she is, believe her.

Do not have a child with someone who despises you.

Thanks all. I find the collective wisdom of you all exceedingly reassuring and supportive.

I know that I have a significant part to play in the dynamic. I've been working with a therapist for over a year now (initially I didn't tell anyone. I don't know why really, I think I just felt really shamed admitting that I couldn't cope). My default mode had been to bottle things up, and I also detach away when things become tough. I've learnt to realise this and push through. I'm not perfect, but I am aware of it and tell myself every day.

She pointed out that its created a vicious circle. She is still saying that she is only aggressive towards me because |I am not affectionate enough. I did explain to her though that I don't feel affection to someone that's shouting and lecturing me. Its a catch 22 situation. There is an element of love languages as well. I am definitely a 'doer'. I show my love by trying to help and look after her. She is busy with work today so I cooked lunch and took it to her, and make coffees etc.

She says that I am only suggesting a trial separation because I don't have the balls to end it. Maybe that's true, but I do feel there is a part of me that wants to save it. She says she has changed and is less angry now. But I think she just internalises it and it stews unconsciously.

She continually refuses to go to counselling on her own, and she says that it has no impact on the relationship. And that the only way to resurrect the relationship is through couples counselling.

She is still saying that she is only aggressive towards me because I am not affectionate enough

Yes of course. If only you would change, then she'd stop having to be so awful
So again, it's your fault, you make her behave so badly. I'm sure she really wishes she didn't have to be so awful but, gosh, what a shame, your behaviour leaves her with no option but to act so badly

Honestly OP, you need to pull your big boy pants on and start acting out what you've told her you want - to separate. Why are you still making her lunch and taking her coffees the day after you've told her it's over??

She says that I am only suggesting a trial separation because I don't have the balls to end it.
And I say that she is only claiming to love you and want to stay with you because she doesn't have the balls to end it.

Even though she supposedly doesn't want you to end it, she's criticising you for not ending it! How does that make any sense? Where do you get the patience from to take any of her criticism seriously?!

Find a woman like me who is embarrassingly grateful for every cup of tea she is brought unasked 😂

I'm not perfect, but I am aware of it and tell myself every day

Nobody is perfect. Nobody needs to constantly remind themselves of this. Everybody has a duty to make sure they spend time doing what they love, with people who give them good feelings. Nobody has a duty to change in order to fit with what someone else wants them to be.

She tells you she loves you. I am telling you that I am god. If you believe one of us and not the other, why is that?

You need to work out why you want someone in your life that makes you question and criticise yourself so much. You don't need it and you are in no way shackled to it, so why are you choosing this uncomfortable option?

I'm afraid he may be sticking with it because of this:

I admit that I've nothing to compare with, this is my first real LTR.

My exh was my first LTR too, but he was more experienced - and he came from an intact family, whereas my parents were divorced and like OP's family. I thought my exh knew more about healthy relationships. I also thought that it would be hard to find someone better. Looking back, it was nonsense - he wasn't massively experienced and I was underestimating my own ability and chances.

I was underestimating my own ability and chances

This too. I think OP has been convinced he's a pile of crap by somebody who is a pile of crap.

She is still saying that she is only aggressive towards me because |I am not affectionate enough

Why are you falling for this, OP? 'Cuddle me more and I promise not to knife you' Is that really the relationship structure you want to buy into? And what about the imbalance? Why does she get to be aggressive in the face of a lack of affection? Why aren't you getting aggressive?

If you stay together, what about making a chart on the fridge that eg lists various tasks and when they were completed and have it spread over a month and a tick box style ect ?

I'm a 'doer'. I show my love by trying to help and look after her

And whats her love language OP? barking orders, criticism and passive aggressive whistling???

I'm starting to think you enjoy being a doormat and a victim.