I must admit I haven’t read the entire thread but I have read the OP’s responses and it sounds like you have had some really solid advice. Apologies if I am echoing something someone else has posted.
It sounds like you have a real self-love problem, probably your wife too for that matter! However she isn’t here so I can’t address her.
You seem thoughtful, willing to work on things and I don’t read much that would make me dislike you (just take that as an outsider’s perspective for what that’s worth).
I think once you sort your self-esteem out you’ll be off to the races. You are clearly capable of commitment and willing to put in the work to make personal relationships work.
What I really think you need to do is some affirmations and realise your own value. Then maybe take a leadership position in your own life.
I have to say it sounds like things have gotten really toxic with the mrs, but I’m rarely bothered about getting into the he said she said bullshit. You are both clearly deeply unhappy.
One of the things about depression is it is often repressed anger, so I’d advise doing a deep dive in what it really is you may have to be angry about. There is often an urge to bury anger as a man for fear of toxic masculinity, however this is counter productive. It actually sounds like you wife is almost unconsciously pushing you to get angry in the hopes you can integrate the shadow aspects of your nature instead of running from them.
Two things about conflict, taking it as a given nobody REALLY likes conflict, I mean honestly there is something wrong with you if you actively seek it out. However any conflict avoided is a conflict magnified in the future, it’s best to get into the habit of resolving it immediately as soon as it comes up. It’s actually easier to do that than sitting on it to defer to the future.
The other element in these conflicts with your wife is you are actually enabling her into becoming the worst version of herself by giving into her all the time. Set a boundary and stick to it. A boundary is not just and act of self love it’s also loving the person you are setting the boundary for.
Take the freezer example, I think the way I’d have handled that is after the discussion I’d say ok I hear you, you don’t want it to be tough to find things in the freezer. Let’s have a drawer each in the freezer, and the rest is communal space. That should obviate the problem. It wouldn’t be a negotiation either I’d TELL her that was how it was going to be. If she still wanted to push it to conflict I’d be like “ok fine then give me another solution, where we both have our preferences met and respected, I’m all ears here. If you can’t work with me on something so fundamentally trivial, as freezer space there is no way in hell we’ll parent effectively together, and honestly fatherhood is a big dream of mine and if we’re really that far gone I’m out.
This isn’t a case of manipulating her it’s a simple of case of where you want to be in life and I’d start making solid strides in moving in that direction, she is welcome to come with you if your goals and values align, if not it’s best to end it now amicably.
However it does seem to me there are some fundamental incompatibilities between you. Sex being the big one. There isn’t in truth any right answer here. Sex is a big part of intimacy for you and it isn’t for her, neither of you are right or wrong here but it IS a pretty big incompatibility. Personally I’m like you, but I’d also be horrified to end up with someone who just lay back and thought of England simply to appease me. Sex is something pretty special to me and it’s a side of life I want to explore with someone I love, not just to reduce it to a biological function (not that I am saying you do). Anyway best of luck, and much love.