Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

My mother consistently treated my father in this way.
It is not the relationship I have with my husband but, every now and again, I do make an assumption that ‘my’ way is best. I don’t mean to be dismissive or disrespectful. I’m just being thoughtless and blinkered.

For example: We do share household stuff 50/50 but cleaning is my department. I hate bars of soap. I like bottles of hand wash. It’s not just my hand washing preference; it’s because bars of soap leave messy residue round the sink. I kept replacing DHs bars with hand wash. In the end, the thing that he said which hit home was “but why is your preference for hand wash MORE important than my preference for bar soap”. I really just thought it was.
I then bought a neat soap dish for the side of the sink which prevents mess and have been able to consider since that there is no reason why my likes and dislikes should prevail. It sounds ridiculous and I feel stupid writing it but my mother is such a dominant figure that I I don’t think I ever considered another way. I was just blundering along making sure everything was the way I like it.

I don't understand why you think you are behaving maturely

Same here. Feeling like you can't get things right is solved by choosing to get things right for yourself, instead of bending to demands you view as unreasonable.

So, she says 'I don't want to eat x', you say 'OK then.'

@AintPageantMaterial Exactly, it can be really useful to have a reminder that neither opinion is superior. And if you've never had any examples of compromise when you were growing up, it is something you have to learn. (Whether this dw will have the same epiphany as you is another question, though.)

The relationship counsellor seems to have phrased things in a rather blunt un-nuanced way which felt blaming to you. However, there may be something in their reflections you could use. We all have a style of attachment in relationships and usually we learn it early from our parents. It might be helpful to consider what your relationship with your parents was like and what you took from that. Also - and this is not to be deliberately provocative - what have you gained from being the ‘child’ in your relationship? It’s clear you want the dynamic to change and I wonder what’s driving that for you? What does she gain from being ‘in charge’? Clearly there is a communication struggle in your relationship and that parent/child dynamic can kill sexual desire and respect on both sides.

Your DW sounds rude and as though she doesn't respect you. Sounds like she doesn't treat you as well as she would a colleague (although she might - yikes - be like this at work too!!).
People say if the respect is gone the marriage is dead and I tend to agree, even though it's true there are a lot of zombie marriages stumbling along.

You don't have kids, you've had (some) counselling, she's still being a dick about stuff... Do you really want to hang around to teach her how to practice normal civility in her own home?

She has no respect for you.
Sounds like she doesn't like you.

Thank god you don't have children.

You have a choice to suck it up and remain in this miserable relationship or you take the bull by the horns, accept it is over and tell that you want a divorce.

It really is that simple.

Miserable future OR chance of future happiness.

Your choice.

Wow... thanks everyone. There is so much here that its going to take a while to digest and work from. Its really useful though.

I do struggle with confrontation. As I have said, I have started to stand my ground more but it usually goes two ways. Sometimes she will get loud and just speak louder and louder. It culminated with a row that ended when she screamed and then slammed the door at me. She admitted a few weeks later than she had anger issues. In her defense she has got better. But she has gone almost the opposite way. Now she will just stay quiet and do a lot of whistling. I know I have pissed her off when she goes like that, but when I ask her whats up she just says nothing.

On the attachment, I agree my parents are so detached you could fit the grand canyon between them. I think I fell into that roll, but as I have grown older I am not sure its what I want.

Well we havent had sex for years and yes I was getting frustrated. So after a while of working on myself and thinking about what I wanted I told her that I though the sexless relationship was as a result of the dynamic outside the bedroom. She says I'm not very manly... I have no confidence anymore

I think maybe early on in the relationship I was fine being the child. Maybe I didn't know anything else.

I don’t think your DW is good for you, I’m sorry OP. My best friend from uni stayed with a woman like this for ten years too long and he is afraid of his own shadow now -plus she deliberately destroyed him financially because he finally dared to stand up to her. Please start to detach and plan your escape.

[quote Pickle48]@Jakey056 The thing is, that I feel I am acting like an adult. Its pertinent that you ask about my parents and my DW is saying that I am projecting their issues onto us. My Dad is non-confrontational, and does everything. My mum is manipulative and refuses to take acceptance for her own issues.

I'm just tired of it all. We have no kids BTW. So when she said she didn't want that dish again, by response was "well how about I cook X instead". I thought that was a pretty mature way of dealing it. She said "I dont like your X". Now in the past I would have then responded by saying "well you just cook then"... But I have stopped doing that as I realised I was at fault. It just feels like there is no way out if the conversation...[/quote]
OK.
We bring our family styles to our marriage - this is how we learned about conflict, power, sharing, etc. If those models are unhealthy - (in your wife's case she seems to see the use of contempt as OK for example) then these end up being our default models which we are stuck on.
So, you are your dad, you are bringing him to your home really by behaving as he did, thats fine as it is all you learned. Your parents are the model you saw. That doe not have to be the model you follow though. However to not follow that model you need space and support to change and in a healthy relationship this is possible.

My response to her comment would have been to say very little. Its your turn to cook, she is being cooked for so accept what is being cooked. I'm not saying say nothing but say little.
By saying ' How about I cook X instead' you are validating her comment and giving her traction. So she knows you can be manipulated.
The 'you just cook' is not the answer either. Then it becomes a battle of wills and again will validate her view that you are 'difficult' - can't win either way.
So, I would say if challenged ' Hmmm, it seems like you don't like this food, but today I am cooking it and maybe it would be a good idea to plan what we both like going forward, what do you think?' This puts it back to her, allows you to continue and does not push her away.
I have had these kind of issues in my marriage and this is how I handle them but only after going for counselling around my communication style.
Don't be afraid to change. It's not nice living like his. She has also brought her dynamic to the relationship. I hope you can see that she sounds like your mother?
Finally - I use 'What do you mean? as a question a lot - useful to head off an argument as it stops the other person and makes them explain.
I hope this helps, you sound like a great guy. Remember though, If you cannot be who you really are you can leave. If people treat you like an option, leave like a choice.

I'm quite surprised at a lot of the answers here. Had you been the wife saying this and the husband being the one telling you what you can keep etc then I know the answers would be very, very different from the majority here. "Get your ducks in a row", "LTB", "Red flags!", "Domestic Abuse!" But instead you're bing told that you need to compromise. That perhaps you are at fault. That your gel pack (which I agree can be very useful) is getting in the way in a half empty freezer that you jointly own. That you should offer an alternative meal instead of doing what I would and just saying well fuck you and ordering a takeaway for myself. (Apologies if not, but I am assuming with everyone else that this is a heterosexual marriage and you are male?)

I'm sorry but your wife sounds very controlling and quite frankly, awful to live with.

Stand up for yourself, Richard and tell Hyacinth that you're just as entitled as her to have your own possessions as long as you're not a hoarder!

She says I'm not very manly

If she's attached to gender stereotypes, doesn't she think she should be more subservient to her man? So you could tell her to fuck off with her opinions and get back to the washing up? (this is obviously not a suggestion, but points out how unreasonable her viewpoint is)

The truth is, she doesn't want you as you are.

The question is, do you want you as you are?

@AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour

I'm quite surprised at a lot of the answers here. Had you been the wife saying this and the husband being the one telling you what you can keep etc then I know the answers would be very, very different from the majority here. "Get your ducks in a row", "LTB", "Red flags!", "Domestic Abuse!" But instead you're bing told that you need to compromise. That perhaps you are at fault. That your gel pack (which I agree can be very useful) is getting in the way in a half empty freezer that you jointly own. That you should offer an alternative meal instead of doing what I would and just saying well fuck you and ordering a takeaway for myself. (Apologies if not, but I am assuming with everyone else that this is a heterosexual marriage and you are male?)

I'm sorry but your wife sounds very controlling and quite frankly, awful to live with.

Stand up for yourself, Richard and tell Hyacinth that you're just as entitled as her to have your own possessions as long as you're not a hoarder!

I didn't say he needed to compromise. I said that he should remind his wife that both people need to compromise in a relationship, rather than one person always winning.

OP asked what he can do aside from leaving, so I answered that question. As his whole problem is someone telling him what to do and treating him like a child, I thought he might appreciate it if we didn't tell him that his idea of staying was stupid.

I can see both sides.

You want a voice in what's kept in the house.

She's sick of you keeping random shit which 'might be useful' but generally never gets used and just adds random clutter.

The dinner thing was rude. I'd have told her if she's so bored of it then she can cook tonight.

Jesus christ why are you hanging around for this?? Shes a nasty piece of work and a half.

Hmmm me thinks you don't know when to quit.

And yes this relationship is abusive, which is exactly what I would be dating to a woman in your shoes.

Again, learn when to throw the towel in. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache in life.

I think you'd be so much happier without this controlling woman in your life.
She has no respect for you.

I also save stuff. I found a beautiful, large Christmas bag that I was saving outside full of kindling.

I did mutter a bit to myself.
I tipped the kindling out and put the bag upstairs. Dh noticed and his only remark was
'I wished you'd found another bag for the kindling. '
No drama, just sorted.

It isn't great. She is being controlling/rude as you say, and you seem v passive.

If my partner chucked out something I wanted to keep I will be v clear I wasn't happy, and if they did it again I would be v pissed off. It wouldn't happen a third time. And if you are cooking and she is critical then that is simply not on - if she'd like more variety she can politely suggest it or perhaps do some cooking herself.

Anyways, you aren't happy and suspect she isn't either. So either - draw a line, tell her you are going to start being more assertive as your dynamic needs to to change, see if that improves things. Or - sit down and say you both need to thrash out what is the matter with or without support.

Please don't go on being passive - I'm not being mean - it's just a slippery slope and you need to get a hold on it.

If you don’t have kids then I think you really need to think if this relationship is making you happy. How old are you and do you want kids? There’s no sex and no respect. It all sounds a bit shit to be honest and she sounds controlling. You can leave you know. You could actually find somebody nice and gentle who likes you!

But she says she likes me. I want kids desperately, she says she wants kids too but she doesn't think I would be a good Dad and said that I need to improve.

I think the point about being more assertive is spot on. Because no matter what, I cant take this into another relationship.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a while back because I was starting to become physically unwell and the GP said it was stress related. I worsened a lot in lockdown. At first my DW was just like "get on with it, we are all having to deal with this". She has backtracked a bit and said she doesn't understand why I'm like this but it will be ok. She said she preferred the old me

I think your depression is probably being contributed to significantly by being with someone who is undermining your confidence and making you feel useless.
I want kids desperately, she says she wants kids too but she doesn't think I would be a good Dad and said that I need to improve.
This is not someone you want to covalent with. Your partner should love you and cherish you, which means they should see your positive qualities.
Children mainly need to be loved and it doesn't sound like you need to "improve" that bit.
However if she is critical parent in the same way she's a critical wife that could definitely be damaging to them

Coparent not covalent

You have depression because you are in an utterly miserable marriage.

You want children but she has no interest in you or sex with you.

You need to leave this miserable relationship and work on yourself outside this dead relationship.

You are only wasting time.

Your anxiety and depression are a direct result of your gut screaming at you to leave this awful relationship and you ignoring it.

Listen to your gut.

she doesn't think I would be a good Dad and said that I need to improve

If you believe her, she's right. The only thing that will change this whole situation is you viewing yourself differently. Her logic fails: if she wants kids, why is she in a relationship with somebody who would not make a good co-parent?

Tell her she's right, and that with her, you could never be a good father. Tell her that you're going to find someone who understands you better, so that you can form a healthy base from which to raise a child. Then leave.

See if she finds that manly enough.

@billy1966

You have depression because you are in an utterly miserable marriage.

You want children but she has no interest in you or sex with you.

You need to leave this miserable relationship and work on yourself outside this dead relationship.

You are only wasting time.

Your anxiety and depression are a direct result of your gut screaming at you to leave this awful relationship and you ignoring it.

Listen to your gut.

This 100 %