Constantly being told what to do

[Pickle48]

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

To keep appeasing someone is to feed a crocodile time after time hoping today isn't the day it eats you. While women do not put up and nor should they with bullying men. They do not respect weakness. You can blame Darwin for that.

@HGDavid

To keep appeasing someone is to feed a crocodile time after time hoping today isn't the day it eats you. While women do not put up and nor should they with bullying men. They do not respect weakness. You can blame Darwin for that.

Are you blaming the victim?

After she turned down the second thing you offered to cook I would have told her ''this isn't a restaurant''.

This is how my sulk teens talk to me.

If you genuinely do your fair share of the housework then you are right, she has gone off you because you're not holding your own.

She walks over you and it's killed her respect for you.

She doesn't deserve your respect much either mind you. So if neither of you respects the other that is the death knell.

If you're not ready to leave yet, start practicing how you want to be in your next relationship.

I like the line ''so, we disagree, whose turn is it to compromise'' is a good line, and a good way of viewing things. One person shouldn't appoint themselves the dictator.

I'd be so tempted to throw out something of hers. Not mature I know but it'd be hard to resist making the point that way!

@HGDavid

To keep appeasing someone is to feed a crocodile time after time hoping today isn't the day it eats you. While women do not put up and nor should they with bullying men. They do not respect weakness. You can blame Darwin for that.

I was the same in my relationship with my xh, I see that now. I bent with the wind I bent with a breeze. I bent over so far backwards to accommodate him that he had zero respect for me. I was afraid of conflict as well.

Similar parents to the OP.

It's not about blame though. You just realise, this is who I am, this is the impact my parents' parenting left on me. Somehow, I have to stop fearing conflict. Somehow I have to start defending boundaries. Somehow I have to figure out what my boundaries are!

I think this relationship is dead and buried tbh but practice who you want to be . Before you end up splitting up, act like the person you want to be in your next relationship.

OP has said that he knows he has to leave.

That's what happens when respect fails in a relationship. One or other partner decides to leave. It's not a reason to excuse the abuse of one partner by the other.

Honestly I think you are being abused.
If someone threw out something on purpose I had expressly said I was keeping I'd have taken something of theirs and binned it.
Which is why no-one I've ever lived with has tried this shit on me.
You are obviously a nicer, gentler more reasonable person. And you deserve a partner who appreciates and respects that.
I really think you should leave her.

I really feel for you OP. You sound like you try so hard but nothing works out for you in respect of improving your relationship. I can well imagine how leaving seems an awful option - you have naturally invested in this marriage, had expectations of what the future will be (kids etc) and it is so hard to "give up".

But it just sounds like there is too much to sort out and unlikely that you CAN sort it out, other than by having a personality transplant, and maybe not even then! Maybe she'd treat any man like this.

Divorce will be hard and very painful but ultimately I think it could well be the only answer. You're young/ish, I presume and you can start again and find someone else.

Maybe start planning in your head, get yourself used to the possibility. Think where you might live, what you could do as a single person etc. Maybe set a deadline - 3 months, 6 months, next Christmas, whatever.

You know I think of myself when you describe your wife, though I don't believe I'm abusive - but I am strong willed and bossy, I know I have controlling tendencies and I have learnt to resist them because I'm also sensitive to others' feelings.

In my 20s I had a boyfriend who gave in to me. If we argued, as we often did (no idea what about now, it's too long ago), I remember he would apologise to me and how I would feel guilty and sick as I knew I had been the one to pick the argument. Looking back, I know I used him. It suited me at the time to have a boyfriend and I waited until my life was in a better place to chuck him. He was never "the one" and nothing he did would have ever made him so.

Wishing you all the best.

Divorce. Your best option is divorce.

If you are particularly averse to confrontations, and want to work on that, that# fair enough, but I would question if you should be in a relationships where you feel the need to assert yourself all the time. There's something wrong with that. You need to questions if you want to be with someone with an attitude of 'well it's my way or the high way'. I have no idea what the details of your dynamic are, but if you feel like you're treated like a little boy, that's not good. You shouldn't feel like your partner is domineering or won't accept no as an answer to anything. Unless you like that kind of thing, it will make you really sad, deflated, tired and it will make you doubt yourself. I mean, who the fuck are you mean to be? Her intern???

Good god, she’s treating you like a doormat because you’re jetting her. Grow a set and stand up to her, stop being bullied. It sounds as though you’re just housemates now. I’d move on and find someone less vile.

@lalafafa To be honest that's what she told me. She said that because I like to play a victim then the oy role she can play is the dominant one.

I watch the Priti Patel story with interest. On the face of it she is a strong confident woman, but some say she is a bully. I think it's a fine line.

I've been unhappy for 18 months, so I think mentally I'm further ahead maybe I appreciate. In the autumn the fear of being alone crippled me. She spent Christmas with her family, I got caught in lockdown and was alone. I was in a very dark place, which she said was self inflicted as I should have just broken the rules. When she came back she never asked me how I was. I think deep down I wanted to put myself there so I knew I could cope. And I'm out the other side, and into a new year and feel stronger.

This forum is great for nudging you and thinking about you, and the person you are. I do a lot of endurance sport and quite enjoy pushing myself to an edge. I've climbed Himalayan mountains, swum to France and ran across deserts. Im now thinking that resilience and strength is probably what's stopping me from quitting right now.

I need to find a different type of strength

"I know I am controlling at times, but you let me"

Lol.....well that's quite the sentence isn't it! Imagine if someone said 'I know I flirt with other women at times, but you let me' or 'I know I drink too much at times and then I'm horrible to you, but you let me'.....hmmmmmm.

I don't think I would ever say anything like that to my partner. She shouldn't be abdicating responsibility of her own negative behaviour and dumping it on you in that way. It shouldn't be up to you to constantly manager her behaviour, assert your boundaries, to have to always fight your corner. She should have a natural respect for those boundaries, and a respect for you as a human and her intimate partner without you having to show her where the line is all the time. Some people are like that. They will walk all over you if you give them an inch, and they should be in a relationship with someone else who thinks that way, not with someone like you.....except often they won't be. Despite their assertions that they like someone who can stand up for themselves, these types of people don't like being challenged at all and are attracted to people they think they can push around.

The really sad thing is is that people like that will only seriously start to respect their partners when their partner's leave or threaten to leave. By that point, it's often too late and they have shown who they truly are and have damaged the other person.

Also, I don't know what else about you makes her think that you enjoy being the victim, but whatever's going on here, it's not a healthy dynamic.

@lalafafa

Good god, she’s treating you like a doormat because you’re jetting her. Grow a set and stand up to her, stop being bullied. It sounds as though you’re just housemates now. I’d move on and find someone less vile.

Do you think you would say that to a woman?

She sounds awful. I totally agree with what Eckhart said upthread. You aren't compatible, she says so herself with comments like "because I like to play a victim then the oy role she can play is the dominant one" and "I know I am controlling at times, but you let me"
If she loved you for who you are she wouldn't be exploiting your perceived weakness. She doesn't respect you but other women will and one of those is the woman you should have children with.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling to help you figure out your boundaries and stick to them

Because I think telling her is going to be hard, I'm just dropping in to say that for a relationship to end all that's needed is for one person to decide to end it. The other person doesn't have to give their permission, they don't have to agree, they don't have to like it or be fine with it. The other person can be very much not ok with the relationship ending, but you can still end it. You have that right. You don't have to get sucked into mind games or justify your decision.

I think you need to start thinking about money.

What is your housing situation, what can you do with your salary.

See a solicitor on the quiet, even if it's on Zoom, and get advice.

You don't have to decide anything about anything..... but the next stage may seem less daunting if you know what you can afford on your own going forward.

That wont be an issue. I've worked hard in my career (as as she) saved and invested. We have houses that we rent out although I dont want to chuck decent tenants out. Money will never be an issue. I can afford a rental in the short term when we work out what to do. To be honest, we havent had sex for years and like I said I'm now in a different bedroom.

Anyway, it just happened again and that was the last straw. I just went out of my way to help her with something. Then 30m later she asks me a question about it.

It wasnt a simple yes no question. It was like "What's the best way to do this, is it x or y or maybe z. I didnt answer immediately and she wasnt in the same room as me. I paused and thought about it and before I could answer she said "stop bloody ignoring me". The time gap would have been a out 3 or 4 seconds. I replied and said 'I'm not, I just need time to think".

So trying to be more assertive I said "please dont speak to me like that", to which she just said "fine, I just wont speak to you" and walked off.

She's shot herself in the foot a bit there, because you don't really want her to speak to you! It's a shame she's being passive aggressive rather than actually meaning it, but the best way to deal with PA is to take them at there word. So just carry on oblivious, assuming that she now doesn't want to speak to you.

I was thinking about what a PP said up thread, about how you shouldn't need to be trying to be more assertive in your relationship. You're already assertive enough. If she doesn't like it, it's not your problem. I'm sure there are millions of women who would love to be with a polite, well mannered man who takes his time to think when asked a question. The word 'gentle-man' doesn't come from nowhere.

Some good advice on thread.

Your DW is rude and controlling. & You are passive in the face of of it, which I guess you know.

She now says you won't be a good father. She's a joy sponge with a need to dictate and if you want any chance at a decent and fulfilling life for yourself, she's not the one for you. Maybe hard to accept but that's what it is.

As for power-struggles - who wants to waste days of this one life getting into all that? It'll just be an argumentative, stressful home and relationship. & Not a good environment to bring children into at all.

Comes a time to stop flogging a dead horse. Sort your life out. You don't have children so now is the time.

But at the same time, passivity is in the eye of the beholder.

I wouldn't find you passive - I'd find you easy to live with. She's just accusing you of being passive to justify her innate tenancy to bully.

Bullies are always contemptuous of their targets.

You sleep in separate bedrooms, haven't had sex for years, constantly snipe at each other, spend Christmas alone...she says this..."she doesn't think I would be a good Dad and said that I need to improve. "
What a horrible thing to say.

It's time for a break. Why don't you decide to have a trial seperation? You make the decision and tell her. There's a massive communication issue where both of you are angry but won't express your feelings nor will either of you leave. So there is this behavioural acting out shit going on.
You could have a lovely life. You really could but not here with this woman.
Move out on your own, have counselling for yourself and find peace with yourself.

@ElspethFlashman

But at the same time, passivity is in the eye of the beholder.

I wouldn't find you passive - I'd find you easy to live with. She's just accusing you of being passive to justify her innate tenancy to bully.

Bullies are always contemptuous of their targets.

Yes! Well said.

Omg op she sounds a right piece of work. Please pluck up the courage to leave. Don't bother focussing on her behaviour because she'll just deflect. Simply focus on the fact that you are unhappy and unwilling to continue like this any more. Get a SHL and get the ball rolling.

I didn't read the whole thread but I am having individual counseling for very similar issues.
I think you would benefit from therapy to work on your self esteem issues and assertiveness.
You can then leave your wife and find someone better.
They never change. And I say it after a very, very long relationship. They never change.
While you play the part in the dynamics of the raltionship, it is not your fault. Your wife being a controlling cow is not your fault.