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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constantly being told what to do

402 replies

Pickle48 · 08/01/2021 09:32

I've NC'ed for this, not sure why as its so outing but hey ho. There are other issues in my marriage but this is something that's bugging me. Because I cant seem to find a way to solve it.

Over the past number of years I feel more and more like a schoolkid in our relationship and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.

This is a bit random but an example. Had a delivery and it came with one of those gel ice packs in them. I thought it seemed silly to throw it away, especially as I do a lot of sport and they are useful for injuries. So I put it in the freezer. DW asks what it was doing in there, so I explained. Next day I find it in the bin. I asked why she did it and she said we didn't need it. I said I had explained why I wanted it and put it back. A week later I heard my wife complain again that "it made finding things in the freezer hard" and it ended up in the bin again.

And again. My parents sent me some presents and they had bought a box to put them all in. Im not talking some random cardboard box, its purpose built and decorated. Before I had even said anything my DW said "don't think you are keeping that". Then again this morning I was asked "why is that not in the recycling yet"

And before you ask. We live in a big house, its not cramped. I am not a hoarder, but I hate throwing stuff away when they could be reused. But its not just this - I get told what to do in other areas of life as well. For years I have just backed down. If I try not to back down it just ends in an argument. What do I do.... (aside from leave)

OP posts:
Deadringer · 09/01/2021 21:08

Op she sounds awful. I think you should reach out to your family for support and make plans to leave her. On the plus side you have no children and money is not an issue so it should be possible to make a clean break. You sound like a nice person and you deserve better.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 09/01/2021 21:37

OP you need to leave. Nothing you do will ever be right. There is a fucked up dynamic here and I honestly don't think you can fix it. You've spoken to her about it, you've gone to counselling and its still 'all your fault'. Split up and get some therapy to try and break this dynamic that you've clearly inherited from your childhood. This is not the person to have children with. You need to sort out any issues you have then find someone stable where you both consistently make each other happy before you have children.

Day to day, what are you actually getting out of this relationship currently?

cyclingmad · 09/01/2021 21:55

Wow the most assertovr thing you csn do is now that she has said she doesn't want to talk to you, wake up int he morning pack your bags, and all you need to say is this marriage is over I am no longer in love with you and walk out. Let her say whatever she says and all you have to repeat is this marriage is over its not working ojtnfkd me anymore and thats it.

No over explaining, no empathy or anything just simple statement and action of leaving

And then never look back. You said you felt alone in lockdown plenty of people on their own but actually you should see it as a positive step, your alone you can breathe and live say to day without being put down or abused. It will feel strange and you will feel abit lost but use that time, read some self development books or podcasts. Get back to doing things you love doing and it'll be easier.

Then with any future contact is only purely to sort out divorce and assets and keep it business like.

Please leave for your own mental health, you owe it to yourself

user1471462428 · 09/01/2021 22:33

Please leave. I spent too long in a miserable relationship. There are women out there who are lovely and would appreciate being with a nice, quiet and hardworking man like you. Go and find one. Get onto a leggings agent on Monday, pack your things tomorrow. The time to be happy is now.

HGDavid · 09/01/2021 23:51

The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. You put in the effort and people don't see what they have to loose. If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then give up. No point in being a damn fool about it. Maybe a shake up is what's needed. Absence may help her to see what you both had.

cyclingmad · 10/01/2021 01:09

You've tried and tried even with counselling and no change. She isn't going to change. How many chances are you going to give a person meanwhile your mental health deteriorates.

Best love is self love right now.

SuitedandBooted · 10/01/2021 01:20

Please end this miserable situation. You can have a better life and happiness without her. She is breaking you.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/01/2021 02:15

Being alone in a relationship is far worse than being single and alone, I speak from past experience.

As for her not respecting you I think that has little to do with your personality and more to do with her as a person. In nearly all of my relationships I've been the 'dominant' partner but I have never been disrespectful, bratty or just plain nasty in the ways you describe.

The problem is OP you're a giver and an accomodator.. Some people will love and appreciate that in you (other givers) and some will resent, use against you, and see it as a green light to take the piss (takers).

I would like you to read up on sunken cost fallacy as I think it may be applicable to this situation.

BuffaloMozzerella · 10/01/2021 02:25

I think once a partner starts speaking to you with contempt the writing's on the wall. Sorry OP.

AlaskaSometimes · 10/01/2021 02:58

Just one of these issues I’d be out. Gather your strength and leave. Block her on everything so you don’t get manipulated back, discuss the split through a solicitor or emails only. She’s abusive and you need to escape.

Just the fact of not having sex would be enough for me to leave. This is supposed to be the person you share your life with, instead you’ve got a nasty room mate who puts you down and make you feel awful.

Find someone who adds value to your life and who loves and cares for you. Nothing this woman does shows any deep feeling for you.

HGDavid · 10/01/2021 10:08

I commented above and sounded colder than I intended. Right now she has the power. Power is an odd word. In a correctly functioning relationship an equitable balance exists. Whats happening now is you desperatly (sorry for that word) trying to stay apart of something you value. In doing so you shift the power balance. It becomes like trying to put out a fire by adding more wood. The more you try the greater the distance. Stepping away might be the only answer and way to restore the equity. The word 'should' is used alot. Opinions are like belly buttons everybody has one. Only you know the right 'should' for you. Having the courage to step away may save the relationship it may not. Either way it will save you.

Original poster
Pickle48 · 10/01/2021 13:50

Just sat down and been what felt like 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I said the way she thought that they way she talked to me was acceptable. I asked her if she would talk to someone at work like that and she said yes she would.

So during the day we had a busy day of getting stuff done in the house. Throughout the day she made various "requests". Eg "when you clean, dust the pictures". Its spot of hard to respond to that..its not a question, it's a demand. Often I just say "ok", but I think once at the end of the day I just nodded. So she said the reason why she said what she said to me was that I constantly ignore her. And that I ignore her to get a response out of her...ie i enjoy pushing her buttons. So she says yes it was acceptable to say what she said because I pushed her to it.

I told her I want to separate, initially for 6 months. But I caved at the end. She said she wanted to be very clear that that's what I want and she doesnt want it.

I said I dont want to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage and that it makes me unhappy and unfulfilled. I asked her whether she was ok with it and she just said that she saw it as the natural progression of any long term relationship.

I can see that she is changing history, by saying I said somethings that I didnt. Even regarding saying "again" about my cooking. She is claiming she never said it but I'm 100% sure she did. I never would have written it on this post if she hadn't right ? I'm not sure. I'm sure she said it. She says she loves me and doesnt want me to go and that I am throwing away everything. It made me physically sick at that point so I just asked for time to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickle48 · 10/01/2021 13:56

Sorry first paragraph should have read unacceptable

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 10/01/2021 14:17

I am throwing away everything

Sunken cost fallacy OP, have a read.

ElspethFlashman · 10/01/2021 14:27

The "everything" she's talking about is corroded.

The Everything is a loveless, respectless, sexless, friendshipless life.

ElspethFlashman · 10/01/2021 14:29

And by the way, time to think is good.

It can strengthen you, as you mentally prepare yourself.

Here it's called "getting your ducks in a row".

AngusThermopyle · 10/01/2021 14:54

Of course she doesn't want this 'relationship' to end- she loses full control of someone to boss around and abuse, then she can play 'the victim' after.
As for " she just said that she saw it as the natural progression of any long term relationship. " this is not always the case. I've have been married 30+ years and we are still in a loving supportive committed relationship with fulfilling regular sex.

So as well as the abuse, she's now gaslighting you with regard to what you KNOW she said, versus what she says she said.

Please, get yourself some help, courage and leave. Honestly, you can be happy, strong and free from this.

AngusThermopyle · 10/01/2021 14:57

Maybe you should try the Freedom programme for men op. It might help you.

SuitedandBooted · 10/01/2021 15:49

She is incredibly manipulative. Look up "gaslighting" if you haven't already.

The only think you will be throwing away is a miserable, unfulfilled existence. She doesn't want to lose her convenient victim, and have the embarrassment of a split. Nobody who loves a person treats them the way she treats you.

She has made it very clear that:

She sees nothing wrong with her behaviour
She won't change.
It's your "fault"
She doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with you.

What you decide to do is entirely up to you, but I would be leaving ASAP, and be looking forward to a happier life without her.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/01/2021 16:24

Gaslighting. Manipulation m. Emotionally abusive. And telling you it's all your fault.

Textbook stuff. I recommend writing everything down immediate after she's said it because otherwise you will feel like you are losing your mind!

chocolatepie2012 · 10/01/2021 16:31

I have to admit that after a very long marriage, I became like this too. I was snappy and stupid things irritated me. I should have known that it was deep down unhappiness, along with having a husband who in my mind was "useless". I began to treat him like a child which I now see was wrong.
Now divorced I look for confident men who don't want me to be their mummy.

ravenmum · 10/01/2021 16:34

She said she wanted to be very clear that that's what I want and she doesnt want it.
Why did she want to be clear about that? You weren't saying anything different, were you? You were saying what you wanted, not what she wanted. You don't need her permission to end it.

I said I dont want to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage and that it makes me unhappy and unfulfilled. I asked her whether she was ok with it and she just said that she saw it as the natural progression of any long term relationship.
Zero sex is not the natural progression after - what, 7 years? When you're in your 30s? Who is she trying to kid?

She's trying to kid you. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, then she doesn't have to have sex with you. But instead of having a reallistic adult conversation in which the two of you discuss what's going on, she's avoiding that entirely by claiming that nothing is going on. That is also gaslighting.

You've explained why you're unhappy, she's refused to engage with it, there's nothing more you can do.

She says she loves me
But she doesn't show you that she loves you. That's what you want her to do.

She is claiming she never said it but I'm 100% sure she did.
Without wanting to be rude, this argument is doing my head in just reading it. I hope that in another 10 years, this petty tripe is a distant memory.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/01/2021 16:38

@chocolatepie2012

I have to admit that after a very long marriage, I became like this too. I was snappy and stupid things irritated me. I should have known that it was deep down unhappiness, along with having a husband who in my mind was "useless". I began to treat him like a child which I now see was wrong. Now divorced I look for confident men who don't want me to be their mummy.
I hope that wasn't a dig at the op? If so that was probably unnecessarily harsh.
HGDavid · 10/01/2021 16:47

Candy and Chocolate above are both right. Its a natural part of the unconscious phycological process of breakdown. An unhappiness within hitting out in all directions at once manifests itself in an irrational unfairness and need to blame. Just be aware whatever is said here it's only what you want and feel that matters.

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